Cheerbabe93 Posted August 6, 2014 Posted August 6, 2014 I started to notice that whenever I tell him that I am not ok with something he did or that he hurt my feelings with something he says he gets pissed off and starts a fight. I guess I can give you a few examples of what I mean… 1) One time he went out with a friend of his and told me he'd be back home around 1-2 am. I stayed up watching tv but 2am passed and he was still out. I texted him to ask when he's coming home but got no answer. After a while I fell asleep but woke up around 4am. He was still not home so I called him but he didn't answer. At that point I was really mad. I woke up the next morning around 8am and still no sign of my boyfriend, now I was getting worried actually. I decided to call him around 10 am and he did pick up and said he was on his way. When he came home I told him I was mad cause he didn't even tell me he wasn't coming home. Instead of apologising he then got mad at me because I was so upset and said something like "I cant be in a relationship with someone if I cant even go out with a friend" He totally didn't understand that that wasn't my problem but that I was so upset cause he was gone all night without telling me. We made up after a few hours. 2) One time I asked him if he wanted to come sleep over at my place and stay for the week cause my parents were on vacation and he doesn't like staying over when my parents are home (he's 28 and I'm 21 btw) He said he won't stay for the entire week but maybe one night. I told him I was disappointed that he would only wanna stay for one night and then he got mad at me and said that I am making him feel bad for not giving me more and that he doesn't need that kinda treatment in his life. Those were his exact words. We made up again but he didn't end up coming over at all. 3) Last night he asked me to come visit him (we are currently in a long distance relationship cause he's in the military) and when I told him I found a cheap flight for 750 bucks he said I shouldn't come visit and that I should buy a car instead. That actually really hurt my feelings so I told him and again he got pissed off at me and started this huge fight. Why does he always act like that? He's been like this ever since we got together back in 2012 so I usually don't tell him if I am upset because he will twist it around and turn it on me. I just don't understand why he does that, its like I cant tell him if he made me upset or sad or hurt my feelings or else he will get pissed off at me for "being a little victim" thats what he always says. Any ideas and tips for me?
Lernaean_Hydra Posted August 6, 2014 Posted August 6, 2014 Because he's a manipulative jerk plain and simple. He makes every argument seem like your fault, he turns every discussion you try to initiate into a conversation about what YOU did wrong and he makes thinly veiled threats about ending the relationship as a way to shut you up. It's classic misdirection. Why does he do this? Because it's worked on you for two years now and it's kept you around. It makes you too fearful of breaking up to bring up the issues in your relationship. I mean hell, he got to go out drinking with his friend , disappear for hours and not come home until mid-morning the next day...yet what were the consequences? Exactly. He weaseled his way out of that simply by turning the tables on you. He sounds like a whiny, spoiled teenage girl to be honest. Why you're wasting the your "peak years" on him is beyond me. 8
pteromom Posted August 6, 2014 Posted August 6, 2014 1) "I cant be in a relationship with someone if I cant even go out with a friend" He totally didn't understand that that wasn't my problem but that I was so upset cause he was gone all night without telling me. We made up after a few hours. I can see both sides of this one... he shouldn't have told you 2AM if he thought he may be out all night. He should have said he would talk to you in the morning. But since he told you 2AM, if he wasn't back at 2AM, he should have called/texted and said he is fine but he's going to stay out, and he'll talk to you in the morning. He wants freedom to go out and do what he wants, which may not be compatible with what you want in a relationship. 2) One time I asked him if he wanted to come sleep over at my place and stay for the week cause my parents were on vacation and he doesn't like staying over when my parents are home (he's 28 and I'm 21 btw) He said he won't stay for the entire week but maybe one night. I told him I was disappointed that he would only wanna stay for one night and then he got mad at me and said that I am making him feel bad for not giving me more and that he doesn't need that kinda treatment in his life. Those were his exact words. We made up again but he didn't end up coming over at all. He doesn't want more. He doesn't want to stay for all week. You need to decide whether you are OK with the limited relationship he wants. 3) Last night he asked me to come visit him (we are currently in a long distance relationship cause he's in the military) and when I told him I found a cheap flight for 750 bucks he said I shouldn't come visit and that I should buy a car instead. That actually really hurt my feelings so I told him and again he got pissed off at me and started this huge fight. I agree with him! If you don't have a car, you shouldn't be wasting $750 on a flight. Here, he's thinking logically, and you are thinking emotionally. I am with him on this one. Why does he always act like that? He's been like this ever since we got together back in 2012 so I usually don't tell him if I am upset because he will twist it around and turn it on me. I just don't understand why he does that, its like I cant tell him if he made me upset or sad or hurt my feelings or else he will get pissed off at me for "being a little victim" thats what he always says. Any ideas and tips for me? It doesn't matter if he gets pissed off. NEVER stop sharing your feelings with him. It just might be though, that he doesn't want the same kind of relationship you want. You need to decide whether this is really what you want. 3
TAV Posted August 6, 2014 Posted August 6, 2014 He keeps doing this because you keep telling him it's ok to not take any responsibility for his actions because you keep 'making up' after a few hours. Does that involve him admitting his guilt? No? Doesn't surprise me. 2
Author Cheerbabe93 Posted August 6, 2014 Author Posted August 6, 2014 He keeps doing this because you keep telling him it's ok to not take any responsibility for his actions because you keep 'making up' after a few hours. Does that involve him admitting his guilt? No? Doesn't surprise me. No, I always have to apologise for "making him upset" because once he starts the fight its not even about my actual problem anymore but about him being mad because I was either mad myself or hurt. Its stupid, he's almost 29…
Philosoraptor Posted August 6, 2014 Posted August 6, 2014 No, I always have to apologise for "making him upset" because once he starts the fight its not even about my actual problem anymore but about him being mad because I was either mad myself or hurt. Its stupid, he's almost 29… He's almost 29, not going to change. I was in a relationship with a manipulator for years and did the same thing. The issue loses focus, becomes all about what they want and the only way to diffuse the situation is to take the blame. Learn from me, it's not worth it. So many great people out there who act like mature adults and can actually have an open conversation. 1
CarrieT Posted August 6, 2014 Posted August 6, 2014 There will come a point where you realize he is not relationship material if expressing your feelings makes HIM upset. The answer to the question, "why does he always do this to me?" is because you let him. He will continue to get away with all these disrespectful things you hate as long as you stay in the relationship. Either accept it as it is or chose to move on. Most of us can attest that there are far worthier guys out there that won't treat you so badly. 2
Author Cheerbabe93 Posted August 6, 2014 Author Posted August 6, 2014 There will come a point where you realize he is not relationship material if expressing your feelings makes HIM upset. its only if its something bad or negative though. which makes sense if you think about it
Eivuwan Posted August 6, 2014 Posted August 6, 2014 its only if its something bad or negative though. which makes sense if you think about it Mature people don't respond that way even if they are called out for something. 1
Author Cheerbabe93 Posted August 6, 2014 Author Posted August 6, 2014 Mature people don't respond that way even if they are called out for something. funny that you say that cause he always tells me I'm immature and gotta move out and live on my own and all that stuff. Ironically when he was 21 he was still living with his parents too
Candice Luna Posted August 6, 2014 Posted August 6, 2014 OP, is this the ex who broke up with you back in February? When did you guys get back together? From what I see in this thread, in June you were still dating a new 24 yo guy in the military: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/long-distance-relationships/481781-how-can-i-get-his-attention-again Anyway, my point is that if this is about the old boyfriend who broke up with you last February and is already behaving like that after just a couple of weeks back together, please let this guy go. Date people who will be nice to you.
Author Cheerbabe93 Posted August 6, 2014 Author Posted August 6, 2014 OP, is this the ex who broke up with you back in February? When did you guys get back together? From what I see in this thread, in June you were still dating a new 24 yo guy in the military: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/long-distance-relationships/481781-how-can-i-get-his-attention-again Anyway, my point is that if this is about the old boyfriend who broke up with you last February and is already behaving like that after just a couple of weeks back together, please let this guy go. Date people who will be nice to you. same guy, but we both never dated other people, i just talked to this other guy but nothing came out of it.
Gaeta Posted August 6, 2014 Posted August 6, 2014 Why do you endure this at your age?? You are young, you have your entire life in front of you, you have all the time in the world so WHY give your time an an a-hole like this?? This is NOT how boyfriends are suppose to treat their girlfriend. Do you know how a man is suppose to treat a woman he loves? Because if you have been enduring this for 2 years, You sure don't know what respect, consideration and love look like. 1
Author Cheerbabe93 Posted August 6, 2014 Author Posted August 6, 2014 I agree with him! If you don't have a car, you shouldn't be wasting $750 on a flight. Here, he's thinking logically, and you are thinking emotionally. I am with him on this one Not to brag or anything but I actually have enough money to do both, spend the 750 on a flight to see him and buy a car once I'm back home again.
CarrieT Posted August 6, 2014 Posted August 6, 2014 its only if its something bad or negative though. which makes sense if you think about it No, it does not make sense to me. I can tell my husband things that upset me - and vice-versa - and work through the whys-and-wherefores of what upsets us and try not to do or say those things again. We don't get mad about it. We talk it through and it is done with and is rarely an issue again.
Author Cheerbabe93 Posted August 6, 2014 Author Posted August 6, 2014 No, it does not make sense to me. I can tell my husband things that upset me - and vice-versa - and work through the whys-and-wherefores of what upsets us and try not to do or say those things again. We don't get mad about it. We talk it through and it is done with and is rarely an issue again. nah what i mean with that is it makes sense cause if i tell him how much i love him that doesn't give him a reason to get upset. thats how i meant it. guess i didn't word it right
pteromom Posted August 6, 2014 Posted August 6, 2014 Not to brag or anything but I actually have enough money to do both, spend the 750 on a flight to see him and buy a car once I'm back home again. That's good... but don't waste the $750 if he isn't wanting you to come out anyway.
Author Cheerbabe93 Posted August 6, 2014 Author Posted August 6, 2014 That's good... but don't waste the $750 if he isn't wanting you to come out anyway. yup, I won't go see him. Especially not after last night 1
Zahara Posted August 6, 2014 Posted August 6, 2014 its only if its something bad or negative though. which makes sense if you think about it I read your history. This numbskull left you for another woman 3 weeks after you two broke up -- which to me sounds like something was probably already going on while you were together, then had the audacity to diminish and mock you and the relationship to his friends. Prize you have on your hands. Sounds to me that there's more this guy than you are letting on -- he's only a jerk when we fight. Right. At 21, it's unfortunate that you're already conditioning yourself to tolerate men like him. 1
pteromom Posted August 6, 2014 Posted August 6, 2014 I would probably back off and see if he makes an effort to be the initiator of contact in your relationship. See if he wants to see you, wants to talk to you, etc. And when/if he DOES initiate contact, make sure it isn't just because he wants sex/sexting/etc. 1
Quiet Storm Posted August 6, 2014 Posted August 6, 2014 This is a common dynamic. His reactions make it so you don't feel safe to express your feelings. You feel that he is manipulating you to keep your feelings inside. He feels "guilt tripped". He actually feels like you are manipulating him! (by using emotions as a tool to get your way). I would preface any complaints or expressions of negative feelings with a statement like this "I am not saying this to get you to change your mind. I am not playing the victim or trying to guilt trip you. I am simply telling you how XXX made me feel. We are in a relationship and I need to be able to express my feelings to you. I am not trying to say that you are responsible for my feelings- just that this is how I feel." Then you wait & see what he does. Don't keep bringing it up. You already told him what your expectations are. If he continues to disregard your feelings, then he is not the guy for you. You need to be able to express your feelings, as it's part of a healthy relationship. Remember that he is not responsible for your feelings. It's YOUR job to protect yourself from those that are inconsiderate and hurt your feelings. You can't keep saying "You don't care about my feelings" and stay with him, arguing every time this comes up. That sends the message "She's upset and mad, but she'll get over it". I see so many women that think by getting upset, crying, arguing, yelling "I will not tolerate this!" -that she is showing him that his behavior is unacceptable. It doesn't work because for most men, it just feels like you are using your emotions to control him. And by yelling, crying, arguing but STILL staying with him, you show him that you aren't serious... yeah, you don't like the way he acts, but it's not bad enough for you to leave him over. You have to state your expectations, drop the subject & wait for his actions. If he disappoints, you have your answer. Tell him "I can no longer be with someone that is so inconsiderate of my feelings. I need to be able to express the way I feel in a relationship, even if it creates an uncomfortable conversation. If we can't even talk & share feelings, then we aren't good for each other and I need to find someone more compatible". And then you have to split up with him. If you tell him that, but stay with him, he will just respect you less & less.
Author Cheerbabe93 Posted August 6, 2014 Author Posted August 6, 2014 I would probably back off and see if he makes an effort to be the initiator of contact in your relationship. See if he wants to see you, wants to talk to you, etc. And when/if he DOES initiate contact, make sure it isn't just because he wants sex/sexting/etc. yes, thank you that is a good one. He cant really text me for a booty call since we live on different continents at the moment lol but yea I didn't text him after our "fight" last night and he didn't text me yet
pteromom Posted August 6, 2014 Posted August 6, 2014 He cant really text me for a booty call since we live on different continents at the moment lol No, but he can text you when he is feeling lonely and wants some relief. If he wants a relationship, he should be wanting to talk to you about what he is experiencing away from you. He should be seeing things that remind him of you - things he can't wait to tell you about. If he isn't wanting to share what is going on in his life with you, and only has a need for you when he's lonely and has no other option, then that really isn't a relationship you want. 1
preraph Posted August 6, 2014 Posted August 6, 2014 He isn't committed and he doesn't want to be and he wants to spend less time with you and not more, so it's not a real love relationship. You need to find someone who deserves you a bit more -- and stop wasting money on his sorry as and buy a car instead.
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