Victoria7 Posted August 6, 2014 Posted August 6, 2014 I can't name them all because this post would be about 1000 pages but here are three things: 1. Why would a woman consent to an "open marriage?" Sure, it's great for the guy but it goes against natural female survival instincts. 2. Why do women post bathing suit pictures of themselves and complain when they get a bunch of cheesy comments? 3. Why do men like trucks?
dogeared Posted August 6, 2014 Posted August 6, 2014 I can't name them all because this post would be about 1000 pages but here are three things: 1. Why would a woman consent to an "open marriage?" Sure, it's great for the guy but it goes against natural female survival instincts. 2. Why do women post bathing suit pictures of themselves and complain when they get a bunch of cheesy comments? 3. Why do men like trucks? 1. I don't get it from either angle - who has the time or energy for that? 2. Attention probably has a lot to do with it for some people. However, you're kind of implying they're asking for it. Men can post pics of themselves in bathing suits and not have the same issue. Why can't women? 3. I like trucks too.
CarrieT Posted August 6, 2014 Posted August 6, 2014 \ 1. Why would a woman consent to an "open marriage?" Sure, it's great for the guy but it goes against natural female survival instincts. I - as a woman - was the one who suggested an "open marriage" for my first marriage when I was in my 20s. I have no idea what you think "female survival instincts" are as I apparently had no such instincts. I just had a rampant libido that my husband could not satisfy and was okay with our mutual play dates.
Author Victoria7 Posted August 6, 2014 Author Posted August 6, 2014 1. I don't get it from either angle - who has the time or energy for that? 2. Attention probably has a lot to do with it for some people. However, you're kind of implying they're asking for it. Men can post pics of themselves in bathing suits and not have the same issue. Why can't women? 3. I like trucks too. No. I don't think women are asking for trouble but when you post a sexy picture that shows most of your body you should expect that you'll get cheesy comments from men and some nasty ones from women. It's sort of like "Don't do the crime if you can't do the time."
Author Victoria7 Posted August 6, 2014 Author Posted August 6, 2014 I - as a woman - was the one who suggested an "open marriage" for my first marriage when I was in my 20s. I have no idea what you think "female survival instincts" are as I apparently had no such instincts. I just had a rampant libido that my husband could not satisfy and was okay with our mutual play dates. You weren't worried that he'd leave you for the sex partner?
jackslife Posted August 6, 2014 Posted August 6, 2014 I can't name them all because this post would be about 1000 pages but here are three things: 1. Why would a woman consent to an "open marriage?" Sure, it's great for the guy but it goes against natural female survival instincts. 2. Why do women post bathing suit pictures of themselves and complain when they get a bunch of cheesy comments? 3. Why do men like trucks? 1. Just realised that I can't answer this as I'm not a woman. However I would say we are all different. Some people are happy in sexless but loving "Howard and Hilda" marriages, others like swinging. If your question is why would a woman consent to an open marriage if she doesn't want to, then she shouldn't. But if both partners want to, it's their choice. 2. errrrr, pass 3. I don't like trucks. However, trucks in the UK are a lot smaller than US ones so maybe size is a factor. I think men just like mechanical 'man' stuff. When a friend buys a new bike, we'll stand around admire and discuss it. Same for a new car. Don't get the truck thing. 1
Lernaean_Hydra Posted August 6, 2014 Posted August 6, 2014 (edited) I can't name them all because this post would be about 1000 pages but here are three things: 1. Why would a woman consent to an "open marriage?" Sure, it's great for the guy but it goes against natural female survival instincts. 2. Why do women post bathing suit pictures of themselves and complain when they get a bunch of cheesy comments? 3. Why do men like trucks? 1) It's not a male vs female issue and not all open relationships are created equaly. Some people - of both sexes - feel that wanting (and having) a committed relationship and sex with other people are not mutually exclusive. Emotionally, many (most?) people aren't built for it. It's can be a difficult business, especially depending on the level of "openness" but for someone who like sex and with a variety of partners it can work. 2) A picture in a bathing suit is not an invitation or an advertisement. I post pics of myself, maybe not in a g-string bikini or something but still) because I'm proud of the way I look. I'm not seeking attention, I just used to weigh nearly 300lbs so uh yeah, this new body ain't staying hidden under a burka these days. Also, most women don't get annoyed at simple compliments; but there's a difference between "you look nice here" and "hay bby want sum ***?" Its the latter style comments most people have an issue with. 3) I don't know. I don't know why men like such big trucks either. Or putting gigantic rims on a mid-sized car (or any car for that matter). Edited August 6, 2014 by Lernaean_Hydra 1
Lernaean_Hydra Posted August 6, 2014 Posted August 6, 2014 You weren't worried that he'd leave you for the sex partner? I know this was meant for Carrie but I personally hate when people say this or some variation. It's always said like some dire warning that no one in an open relationship ever thought to think about. If your man is going to leave you, he's gonna do it regardless. I mean it's not as if men in monogamous relationships don't leave since we see examples of just such a thing every day of the week here. Him being beholden to your vagina and your vagina alone won't stop that. *all "you's" here are used in the general sense. 3
HereNorThere Posted August 6, 2014 Posted August 6, 2014 I can't name them all because this post would be about 1000 pages but here are three things: 1. Why would a woman consent to an "open marriage?" Sure, it's great for the guy but it goes against natural female survival instincts. 2. Why do women post bathing suit pictures of themselves and complain when they get a bunch of cheesy comments? 3. Why do men like trucks? 1. - It goes against YOUR instincts, but the numbers and culture do not lie. Some people feel differently about sex or sex with multiple partners. 2. - Validation. This is more like celebrities who supposedly hate the paparazzi and still tip them off as to where they will be. They'll say they don't like the attention, but that's just to save face. 3. - Men like things that are big and powerful. Guns, power tools, trucks, etc. Not all men of course, but enough that the numbers and culture reflect it. Part of human evolution was/is developing and using tools and big truck is really just an avatar for a human to use as a tool.
Author Victoria7 Posted August 6, 2014 Author Posted August 6, 2014 I know this was meant for Carrie but I personally hate when people say this or some variation. It's always said like some dire warning that no one in an open relationship ever thought to think about. If your man is going to leave you, he's gonna do it regardless. I mean it's not as if men in monogamous relationships don't leave since we see examples of just such a thing every day of the week here. Him being beholden to your vagina and your vagina alone won't stop that. *all "you's" here are used in the general sense. But now you're giving your husband your blessings to take a brand new car out for a test run. The car is all polished and asking nothing but that you enjoy your ride. Don't you see how that can be very VERY seductive?
Author Victoria7 Posted August 6, 2014 Author Posted August 6, 2014 1. - It goes against YOUR instincts, but the numbers and culture do not lie. Some people feel differently about sex or sex with multiple partners. 2. - Validation. This is more like celebrities who supposedly hate the paparazzi and still tip them off as to where they will be. They'll say they don't like the attention, but that's just to save face. 3. - Men like things that are big and powerful. Guns, power tools, trucks, etc. Not all men of course, but enough that the numbers and culture reflect it. Part of human evolution was/is developing and using tools and big truck is really just an avatar for a human to use as a tool. I know what you mean about the power tools. My husband actually polishes his snow blower. 1
jackslife Posted August 6, 2014 Posted August 6, 2014 I know what you mean about the power tools. My husband actually polishes his snow blower. LOL!
oldshirt Posted August 6, 2014 Posted August 6, 2014 1. Your "survival instinct" theory actually favors open marriage. In a sanctioned polyandrous arraingement, a female and offspring are supported and protected by multiple males thus increasing their chances of survival. Historically polyandry has been a mating strategy in areas of very harsh climates and limited resources. In modern first-world scenarios women choose open marriage for much the same reasons as men in that there are more opportunities for to have a wider variety of wants and needs met. A women may have the kind, stable husband with resources at home yet enjoy the tall, handsome, muscular stud on the side without losing her support at home. One man may be bold and exciting, another may be sweet and romantic, another may charismatic and fun while another is wise and intellectually stimulating. Women are often the ones that benifit most from open marriage and in many couples it may be the female that is initially hesitant to try it, but once they've experienced it, it is usually the female that keeps the couple involved in it. 2. They want to be noticed, admired and desired and have someone of quality step up to the plate and pay a fair market value for the merchandise. To achieve that end they simply have to put up with the low-bidders that either can't afford it or aren't serious about buying it. 3. Because they can haul stuff and go over big bumps. 5
oldshirt Posted August 6, 2014 Posted August 6, 2014 You weren't worried that he'd leave you for the sex partner? That's kind of a nonsensical question when you really think about it. That simply that monogamous relationships never end and monogamous people never leave each other for someone else. Many people involved in consensual nonmonogamy believe the opposite in that if you are allowed to have some variety and some extra fun that people will be less inclined to leave. In my personal case, when we were highly involved in swinging (not the same as open marriage but close enough for this discussion) I wouldn't have dreamed of ever leaving my wife because there are so very few women that would have let me have the fun I was having and she felt the same towards me. Is there a risk of someone taking off with a play partner?? Of course! Just as there is a risk of your partner leaving you for someone at work or at church or on their coed softball team etc etc etc. The risk of your partner leaving for someone else is always present and there is nothing that can be done to guarantee it won't happen. My feeling on the matter was that she may leave me for someone else some day whether we were 100% monogamous or whether we were swingers so I might as well have as much fun and adventure as I can untill then ;-) 3
Author Victoria7 Posted August 6, 2014 Author Posted August 6, 2014 In modern first-world scenarios women choose open marriage for much the same reasons as men in that there are more opportunities for to have a wider variety of wants and needs met. A women may have the kind, stable husband with resources at home yet enjoy the tall, handsome, muscular stud on the side without losing her support at home. One man may be bold and exciting, another may be sweet and romantic, another may charismatic and fun while another is wise and intellectually stimulating. That makes sense if the Open part is only open for the female. I doubt many husbands will say: "Honey I'm going to financially support you and you can have sex with anyone you want. I'll be at home organizing the junk drawer, you go out and have fun tonight." But while the female is having a jolly good time with Hot Guy Bend me Over Biceps hubby is having his thrills with Sexy Samantha who doesn't tell him to take his shoes off because she just cleaned the floor.
jackslife Posted August 6, 2014 Posted August 6, 2014 That makes sense if the Open part is only open for the female. I doubt many husbands will say: "Honey I'm going to financially support you and you can have sex with anyone you want. I'll be at home organizing the junk drawer, you go out and have fun tonight." But while the female is having a jolly good time with Hot Guy Bend me Over Biceps hubby is having his thrills with Sexy Samantha who doesn't tell him to take his shoes off because she just cleaned the floor. Victoria, then you're mistaken. There is a whole sub-culture of cuckold husbands who get their rocks off when their wives have other men. In the relationship the husbands often don't have sex with their wives at all and certainly not with other women. Often the husbands are very much alpha males in the office, but enjoy this life at home. Turn the porn filter off the laptop and type cuckold husband into google. 2
Lernaean_Hydra Posted August 6, 2014 Posted August 6, 2014 But now you're giving your husband your blessings to take a brand new car out for a test run. The car is all polished and asking nothing but that you enjoy your ride. Don't you see how that can be very VERY seductive? Many women would rather let their husbands take that test drive and let the initial excitement wear off on its own rather than deny him that and watch as he pines for it, builds it up in his mind as his dream car, convinces himself it would've been the ride of a lifetime, etc etc. . So he either leaves you and gets the car anyway or stays but unhappily so. This whole analogy is flawed though because when speaking about real live human beings and relationships, it is impossible to compare that to a car; there's too many variables like history, emotional connection and oh I don't know, love? An open relationship isn't a license to go out and seek secondary LTRs...that's polyamory. Yet this is precisely why you can't have an open relationship with just anybody. You have to trust your partner to an extreme degree and feel secure enough in their love for you and commitment to the relationship that YOU are still a priority no matter what and that they will know when to draw the line when it comes to other parties. Nevertheless using your same analogy, at the end of the day that new car could be the shiniest, fastest Mustang in the state but I'm still an Aston Martin .
oldshirt Posted August 6, 2014 Posted August 6, 2014 That makes sense if the Open part is only open for the female. I doubt many husbands will say: "Honey I'm going to financially support you and you can have sex with anyone you want. I'll be at home organizing the junk drawer, you go out and have fun tonight." But while the female is having a jolly good time with Hot Guy Bend me Over Biceps hubby is having his thrills with Sexy Samantha who doesn't tell him to take his shoes off because she just cleaned the floor. People have two very powerful forces driving them sexually. One is the drive for variety and novelty (don't think for one second that it's only males) And the other is to keep your partner exclusively for yourself. Those basic drives differ in intensity and priority with different people. If someone has a strong drive to be with other people and not so strong a drive to keep their spouse exclusive they will consider an open marriage and be good with it. If someone has a stronger drive to keep their partner to themselves than their drive for variety, they will grit their teeth and suffer through the frustration of monogamy. If some has a very weak drive for either, they may consider letting their partner take an extra lover but not really pursue an outside interest themselves. If someone has a very strong drive for extra but also has a strong drive to keep their partner exclusive, they will be more inclined to cheat. So it all depends on where you fall on those spectrums. 2
Author Victoria7 Posted August 6, 2014 Author Posted August 6, 2014 Victoria, then you're mistaken. There is a whole sub-culture of cuckold husbands who get their rocks off when their wives have other men. In the relationship the husbands often don't have sex with their wives at all and certainly not with other women. Often the husbands are very much alpha males in the office, but enjoy this life at home. Turn the porn filter off the laptop and type cuckold husband into google. I'm going to add "Cuckold Husband Lifestyle" to my list of Stuff I Don't Get. 1
CarrieT Posted August 6, 2014 Posted August 6, 2014 I came back to respond, but Oldshirt and Lernaean_Hydra have answered the questions just fine for me. Thanks, friends! Victoria, I understand you will never "get" those of us that live these alternative lifestyles and that's okay. All we ask is to not be judged harshly for these decisions that work for us. 2
Author Victoria7 Posted August 6, 2014 Author Posted August 6, 2014 Many women would rather let their husbands take that test drive and let the initial excitement wear off on its own rather than deny him that and watch as he pines for it, builds it up in his mind as his dream car, convinces himself it would've been the ride of a lifetime, etc etc. . So he either leaves you and gets the car anyway or stays but unhappily so. This whole analogy is flawed though because when speaking about real live human beings and relationships, it is impossible to compare that to a car; there's too many variables like history, emotional connection and oh I don't know, love? An open relationship isn't a license to go out and seek secondary LTRs...that's polyamory. Yet this is precisely why you can't have an open relationship with just anybody. You have to trust your partner to an extreme degree and feel secure enough in their love for you and commitment to the relationship that YOU are still a priority no matter what and that they will know when to draw the line when it comes to other parties. Nevertheless using your same analogy, at the end of the day that new car could be the shiniest, fastest Mustang in the state but I'm still an Aston Martin . The thing is when two people become intimate there is a whole other biochemical experience going on. Men will experience a jolt of oxytocin during orgasm thus causing him to begin bonding with the new partner. Also, my guess is during an open marriage men and women don't only have sex. They probably talk, laugh, go to dinner and begin to share experiences. This all sets the stage for a new romance.
Author Victoria7 Posted August 6, 2014 Author Posted August 6, 2014 I came back to respond, but Oldshirt and Lernaean_Hydra have answered the questions just fine for me. Thanks, friends! Victoria, I understand you will never "get" those of us that live these alternative lifestyles and that's okay. All we ask is to not be judged harshly for these decisions that work for us. I don't think it's wrong to have an open marriage if everyone is in agreement. Much better than cheating. I just don't understand how a female can handle this emotionally. If my husband slept with another woman I would be enraged, jealous and massively concerned about STD's. I don't think I'm all that different from most women. Here is the ONLY scenario where I could see an open marriage working for a woman: Young female from impoverished home marries older man for money. She's not attracted to him but he provides for her financially. He sleeps with other women and she is free to sleep with men she's attracted to.
oldshirt Posted August 6, 2014 Posted August 6, 2014 I don't think it's wrong to have an open marriage if everyone is in agreement. Much better than cheating. I just don't understand how a female can handle this emotionally. If my husband slept with another woman I would be enraged, jealous and massively concerned about STD's. I don't think I'm all that different from most women. . Many of us that have experienced swinging/open marriage first hand felt the same way and said the exact same things before we actually tried it. In fact I would be doubley enraged if I found out my wife was cheating now since there is a mechanism in place for her to have a little extra sumpn-sumpn on the side. But it's an altogether different reality when it is something that all parties are in agreement on. You may think you would be enraged now because your mind is only operating on an infidelity model, however in a situation that is mutually consensual and mutually benificial, you may in fact find yourself highly aroused and excited seeing him with someone else. That's an alien concept for you now because you haven't been there an haven't experienced it, but having it be mutually consensual changes the entire dynamics completely.
CarrieT Posted August 6, 2014 Posted August 6, 2014 The thing is when two people become intimate there is a whole other biochemical experience going on. Men will experience a jolt of oxytocin during orgasm thus causing him to begin bonding with the new partner. Also, my guess is during an open marriage men and women don't only have sex. They probably talk, laugh, go to dinner and begin to share experiences. This all sets the stage for a new romance. Well, this is the point. You are guessing at things you don't understand. There are some women - like me - who can enjoy the physical act of sex and friendship with men WITHOUT having romance or bonding. That biochemical thing you are referring to does not necessarily happen for every person. I believe you are making assumptions that all human beings react and feel the same which is why you are "don't get it." 2
Author Victoria7 Posted August 6, 2014 Author Posted August 6, 2014 you may in fact find yourself highly aroused and excited seeing him with someone else. I would find myself highly homicidal and enraged about seeing him with someone else.
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