Missy0724 Posted August 6, 2014 Posted August 6, 2014 Hi - I need advice. I am torn here... History: Serious relationship of 10 months ended a little over a month ago. He broke up with me. We had been struggling to maintain the relationship for a couple months prior to break up. He is a recovery addict and was struggling to find closure, move past anger, get over ex wife of many years. It caused a lot of issues in our relationship. I tried to be understanding and supportive, but it became too difficult, we drifted apart. Into the "friend zone" for him. In spite of the issues, and break up, I still have romantic feelings for him. He offered and wanted friendship with me right after breakup. Very confusing. Not used to that. I'm older, have been in many relationships, married for a long time as well. First time a man wanted to stay in touch, "close friends". Yes, we were best friends, so yes, very hard to walk away from that. I tried - I found out it would not work for me, as I still have romantic feelings for him. He seemed to have switched those feelings off very quickly. I realize that he perhaps had already moved on, and even meeting new people, prior to the actual break up. I know this is reality and it's been a process to accept this. I am getting there... :-) In a phone conversation about two weeks after break up, he was very upbeat, happy, even had a date. Nothing I wanted to hear about... I was very upset about the break up (even though did not mention or talk about that, we chatted about what going on in our lives) He knew my dad has been sick, testing being done. I very upset, because the signs show cancer. He did say, "I'm sorry", but that was it. He went on talking about himself and all the happy, positive things he doing...(a cover up prob, stuffing his true emotions; he's an addict, I know he does this) And him going out on a date came up. I was floored, as it was only 2-3 weeks post breakup. I guess I had hope because we were talking, that maybe he was feeling things out, maybe having some regret, wanted to start over as friends, and see were it went. I know now, that if he'd wanted that, he would have told me. Hindsight is 50/50... So I said, "good luck, I'm happy for you, yes you should be dating..." Then few days later I messed up, sent an email expressing some anger, about things he had withheld from me, lies, etc. Wow, how he has moved on so quickly, when 2 weeks ago, even when breaking up with me, he was telling me, I love you. "I just can't love you the way you want/need me to." ??? Following week, sent one final email - Saying I cannot be friends, we are not friends. I wanted a boyfriend. We both loved each other the best we could, and I'm accepting that. It's been NC since. I just found out yesterday that my dad def has cancer and it's not good. It's going to be a hard road ahead... Part of me wants to tell my ex. But I know that is not right, as he made the decision he didn't want to be with me anymore. And I've told him "no friends". But he did want to be friends, stay in each other's lives... I want that, too. But struggling with that. We are both older and I feel if I'm a mature person, just put the past behind us, forgive him, accept the romantic part is gone, we are both good people, who both screwed up, both made mistakes, both just couldn't make it work...That we could be friends. He was my rock. WAS, I know. And he may be dating someone new...No idea. Not my business. I am struggling to not reach out, tell him about my dad, and that I do want his friendship and support. But I just don't want to hear or know about his personal life, dating. Is that possible? Or is reality, that's not a true friendship then, so what am I doing? Just out of habit, since things are still so fresh and raw? I just need some tough love right now. I think I have just answered my own question, but need that verification, support. Thanks!
carhill Posted August 6, 2014 Posted August 6, 2014 Please accept my sympathies regarding your father. Regarding disclosure, a great example of my style with an 'ex' was taking my exW down to the courthouse to file our dissolution papers then saying 'I need to make a stop on the way back', that turning out to be picking up my mother's remains at the crematory. That's how my exW found out my mother had died. IMO, once intimate relations are concluded, the person goes back to being one of billions and is no longer part of my personal life. YMMV and best wishes for a positive outcome with your father. 1
BridgetGrey Posted August 6, 2014 Posted August 6, 2014 Missy hey. I'm in the same shoe as you. However, I think I moved past my ex since the breakup was 3 months ago. Like I said in the other thread it was long distance we drifted apart and I guess reality kicked in and we were in different stages I was a student and he was working man. Anyhow our situation are similar and I ignored my ex for a month I would say and he reached to me days messaged said if you need anyone to talk to I'm here and all of that I shunned him a bit and he called and yeah that didn't go very well. I'm actually gonna go through with calling him when there is a stable connection and tell we can't be friends now. I just think there too much water under the bridge and I don't trust him to be there for me at this time. It's hard because I could easily lean on him and take his support that he is offering , but you know when someone is no longer a part of your life and you no longer miss them and you wanna keep it this way for a while , so that you don't drift into your pattern with them. Me and my ex had a long pattern of this and I think as much as our friendship was nice , but we need to breakaway from each other. My ex is not a demon I repeat , but when you close a chapter you wanna close it and I dunoo if my ex still has feelings for me romantically , but I do know he cares for me which I appreciate , but damn I'm just starting to move on here and it toke me 3 months and a lot of tears and growth to get here. Do I wish things were different yes we had a great friendship and he played an essential part once in my life. However, it's too risky to let him back in like if my mom recovers or something happen I dunoo .. I'm going to have to give you the advise to stay away from him as you have strong feelings for him. Sometime we have to stand up on our own sadly. 1
Zahara Posted August 6, 2014 Posted August 6, 2014 He knew my dad has been sick, testing being done. I very upset, because the signs show cancer. He did say, "I'm sorry", but that was it. He went on talking about himself and all the happy, positive things he doing...(a cover up prob, stuffing his true emotions; he's an addict, I know he does this) And him going out on a date came up. I was floored, as it was only 2-3 weeks post breakup! Seek support and friendship from those that can and want to give it to you. The bold is an indication to you that when you needed it, he only managed two words to support and console you. He isn't your rock and I don't think he ever was. I'm so sorry to hear about your father. I've lost loved ones to cancer and the process is daunting and painful. If you are looking for consolation from your ex, you will be deeply hurt again because he won't be able to provide you with what you need. Clearly you are still struggling with detachment and expectations. Part of you wants validation from him that maybe this time in need will bring you both closer together again and possibly reconciliation. When you're in such a dark place, you try to grasp at everything and anything to bring some relief in your life. Lean on those that will be there for you. He is not who you should be seeking when he is a contributor to your pain and confusion, especially at a time like this. 3
Author Missy0724 Posted August 6, 2014 Author Posted August 6, 2014 Thank you, everyone. For confirming what my head knows. The heart is catching up... Yes, it's OVER. It is time to stop ruminating about the past and what was, or the "idea" of him, how it was in the beginning, "honeymoon" phase. That ended, the whole thing ended. He could not be a man or best friend to me, because he was not ready, or we are just too different, wanted different things, have different values. I am doing well, for only a little over month post break up. I am proud of myself. I will keep NC. I know in my head he is NOT my friend, that is over, and if he even cares a little about me, it DOES NOT MATTER. He chose to end things. I actually saw it coming, too. But at the time, not strong enough to bail myself. Those are my issues that I am working on... It was not a healthy relationship. Mostly on him, yes, but I know my part, my faults as well. I choose to be with him for all the wrong reasons. It happens. I admit that. He is NOT the man for me, nor my friend. He showed his true colors with his lame, "let's be friends", but then did not show the ACTIONS of a friend. We must remember the ACTIONS, not WORDS. It's so easy to get caught up in this shiny package. But underneath, they are not worthy, emotionally ready or available men. I will not tell him. It's not going to happen. Yes, I have too many genuine friends and support. What was I thinking? I neither want or need him. My feelings for him right now, only a month post BU are out of "habit" and routine, and in time that will end. I know this. And I only give my friendship to those who deserve it, earn it, are able to and give it to me in return. Too much drama - Time to end that and move on...and not settle or feel guilty, like I "owe" him something, to tell him. I do not. He is OUT of my life. i'm a "giver". That needs to end as well... Thanks and this is giving me some much needed closure. Thanks for the kind words re: my dad. My focus is to give to him, my family, my kids, me, my true friends who will help me thru this difficult time. This is life...so it goes. Best to all of you, as well! 1
whichwayisup Posted August 6, 2014 Posted August 6, 2014 I'm very sorry to hear your father has cancer. Thoughts and prayers to your dad, you and your whole family. Don't tell the ex. He isn't in your life anymore and honestly, he isn't going to 'be' there for you to lean on during this tough time. He may be sympathetic but look how he responded when you told him your dad was ill: He knew my dad has been sick, testing being done. I very upset, because the signs show cancer. He did say, "I'm sorry", but that was it. He went on talking about himself and all the happy, positive things he doing...(a cover up prob, stuffing his true emotions; he's an addict, I know he does this) And him going out on a date came up. I was floored, as it was only 2-3 weeks post breakup. I guess I had hope because we were talking, that maybe he was feeling things out, maybe having some regret, wanted to start over as friends, and see were it went. I know now, that if he'd wanted that, he would have told me. Hindsight is 50/50... To me, that is someone who isn't caring and someone who isn't going to be there for you..As a friend. Christ, he didn't even ask how your dad is coping with it, or even how you are doing. Rely on other friends for support, not him. He is too wrapped up in his own life.
BridgetGrey Posted August 6, 2014 Posted August 6, 2014 Missy. Since our situation is similar I have to tell my opinion once again I don't know your ex as a person , yet I can tell he may care about you but bragging about dating someone else when you both been a long term relationship is pretty insensitive to me. That's your cue to stay away from him. I can relate to you with the honeymoon stage when everything is fine and not a whole a lot of pressure in the relationship, yet when issues occur such as commitment and a future and issues he or you have come out and you can't deal this where it gets hard. I can tell you I did long distance with no communication for months ... I can also relate to ur pain yep you know it all along somehow just like I knew it he wouldn't commit to me in a proper real stable functioning relationship . He is his late 20's and he is way more progressed in life than I am , yet if at this point he didn't see he may even say in his 30s or 40's I knew I was in a dead end holding on him and he toke it all for granted. I don't think anyone will love him as much as I did because I was able to walk away from him calling a good guy and wish him well. Ton conclude, I don't miss him in my life anymore or I want to let him back in any shape or form. You know when you feel like your relationship with this person expired that's why even though he messaged telling sweet things like if you wanna talk and all it didn't make fall for him because I know better. Sorry for the essay and rambling , but I held on to being friends with my ex especially since I was friends for 2 years before the relationship , but I don't think you can be friends with him as close or right after a break up. Unless the break up was mutual and staying friends mean ok we are on good terms here we don't hate each other . It does mean your close with this person. Like my ex call his ex a friend and he hasn't talked to her in 2 years now lol. That's not friends .. Stay strong all you need is yourself believe me
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