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I feel like a shallow, awful human being.

DontBreakEven

By DontBreakEven
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DontBreakEven Established Member

DontBreakEven

Posted
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I met a girl 2 months ago.

 

I am falling in love with her. She is an amazing person - smart, driven, and so sweet and kind and very, very good to me.

 

She has the face of a model, and when I posts pics of her and I everyone wants to know who is that??!!

 

Problem is ... she used to be a big girl. I'm not even sure how big exactly and she is just rather disproportionate and I have never dated someone like that (I'm super fit).

 

Sex with her is beyond amazing. Today she said something about how ugly she was and self conscious she is that I have never dated someone bigger, and it broke my heart. :(

 

I hate myself for even caring about. I hate it. I guess I just need to rant. Anyone else ever been through something like this?

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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acapelo_dp Established Member

acapelo_dp

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Exactly how bad is it?

 

You already said she has a beautiful face, and she is motivated enough to lose weight. That should be attraction in itself. I haven't dealt with this exact problem myself, but I have dated someone I was not initially physically attracted to. He just grew on me as I got to know him better.

 

I say if she is a great catch and you are still attracted to her, then stick with her. There is not much she can do about lose skin except surgery. Either love her flaws for what they are or move on to someone with a better body if it doesn't please you.

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todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

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when i was with my ex i lost a lot of weight......i was as big as i have ever been at that point...i lost weight by participating in masses of exercise ......i have military training and when i go for it i really do go for it injuries and all i still keep at it...... and my stomach in the past has always been proportionate it seems to go down at a good rate...i do a lot of crunches.....but i also have had five kids.....so my stomach probably always is going to sag a little.....when i would lose weight i become a man magnet.....dont particularly like that fact..or the men i attract...my ex used to like it when guys did double takes i think its more my bounce when i walk i literally bounce....even as a big girl i can bounce just not as much or for as long......as a big girl i get enough attention and tend to attract more the right type of guy i really do want to be with...i have been told i have an angelic face.....when i lose weight its a definite heart shape......big blue eyes even more pronounced...i think i look like kermit.....

 

 

i am more than what my body is a hell of a lot more and i want to be with a guy who sees my heart not my shape.....i dotn need to lose weight to date......i have enough offers

 

the reason why i have answered your post is i normally date as a bigger girl......if they like me now they are in for a pleasant surprise sort of attitude if they can look beyond my body then i look beyond their flaws too,i see a guy who looks a little deeper than the surface and i need that..... they are worth the effort i will and would make for them

 

 

i would be concerned about being with a guy who hasnt dated bigger women....it would be a concern for me....carrying weight or not carrying weight.....because i see a guy who bases a lot on looks....not the guy for me...they tend to eb judgmental and shallow....thats why i prefer to date as a big girl adn get fit when i am in a relationship because i like to be fit and if i do it in a rleationship guys dotn tend to eb so forward either on approach....iam secure....adn a bit safer to be who i am on the outside and inside....i am a multiple.....so yeah need a guy with a bti of fortitude and not so shallow ...bit of a thinker rather than an aesthetic seeker.........i like fit guys.....and fit guys can have pods too.....i like fit guys because i like to do things in a relationship go places and be busy.....and its cool when you can get fit together in a relationship....its safer too..i would motivate the guy i was with to join me.....marathon walks turning into sprint run walks and kick boxing yoga ....it rocks when you get fit together....

 

 

your gf has a right to be concerned doesnt she?..you knwo you are beign shallo wand i really cant change that or give you any ideas on how to other than to appreciate what you have before you lose her and you will..deb

Edited by todreaminblue
gaius Established Member

gaius

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I had one girlfriend I loved deeply and every once in a while I'd be laying over her in bed and she'd be looking up at me and the thought that she kind of had a little bit of a pig nose popped into my head. =/ I felt horrible for thinking it and I feel a little uncomfortable admitting it now but it's the truth. It honestly never made me love her one bit less though and I still had better sex with her than a bunch of women who didn't cause that kind of thinking. Maybe you're just not totally smitten with this girl.

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mammasita Established Member

mammasita

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If you're truly in love, IMHO, then the flaws...no matter what they are.....wouldn't even matter. They'd be invisible to you. Perhaps she's not truly the girl for you.

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Imajerk17 Established Member

Imajerk17

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I'm not seeing why you need to feel guilty OP. All I read was that you are falling in love w a great girl. Good for you both. No one is perfect and you need not like everything about your partner, not even everything physical.

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Dork Vader Established Member

Dork Vader

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No matter how bad it is no one is perfect.

 

 

If the relationship is other wise amazing deal with it. It can be corrected with a small amount of plastic surgery.

 

 

You should also consider most women are going to have kids at some point. When they do they are going to get stretch marks. Very few women do not get any at all.

 

 

We all get old and that age will show at some point. It's the love you form with that person and connection beyond physical attraction that make the relationship last.

 

 

Not that I would wish this on anyone but your good looks are just an accident away from disappearing.

 

 

I would not run off have her have the plastic surgery yet. See if she is someone you want to get married too. If so start saving for the operation after the two of you are done having kids you can consider it.

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smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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Beware, they don't always stay thin. Prepare yourself, because depression, having kids, age, getting comfortable, etc will have her put that weight back on. She is feeling insecure and upset about how she looks....this will be for the rest of your relationship, in fact it's going to be constant.

 

It's not going to be an easy road.

Dork Vader Established Member

Dork Vader

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I don't know that I agree with smackie. It's understandable that she is insecure about it.

 

You never know what someone is going to become and having kids doesn't mean she'll become over weight again. I've seen plenty of women lose weight and keep it off.

 

I've also seen plenty of health nuts get bigger then the good year blimp.

 

You just never know. What can be a sign of the future is how dedicated to staying in shape is she?

 

A loving SO that supports and pushes her to stay healthy will likely curb any risk of gaining weight.

 

I really think you can and should try and move beyond this. Really think about the positives.. Ask yourself what you truly want in your future. A physically perfect woman with a horrible personality that's bad in bed? Or a woman with a few physical flaws, an awesome personality and is amazing in bed?

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DontBreakEven Established Member

DontBreakEven

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I really think you can and should try and move beyond this. Really think about the positives.. Ask yourself what you truly want in your future. A physically perfect woman with a horrible personality that's bad in bed? Or a woman with a few physical flaws, an awesome personality and is amazing in bed?

 

God I love this. Thank you Dork ... because I've had the former. Too many times to count. And now I have the latter. And with the best heart ever. I am very lucky, and whoever else said it that we are all one accident away from losing our looks is right as well ... It just shouldn't be about that. I'm so much happier now than I ever was with my gfs with rockin bodies.

 

Thank you everyone for your insight.

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Tayken Established Member

Tayken

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Unfortunately...we live in a superficial world where looks is everything. Women on dating sites just looks at pictures, and don't bother reading the profile. They all want that cute guy....whatever else they say is BS

 

Funny thing is, some of these women have kids, and they want this guy to just take them with their baggage....which sometimes even includes dogs and cats.

 

Big girls are a lot of work when it comes to sex i.e. hard to get a momentum going.

todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

Posted
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Unfortunately...we live in a superficial world where looks is everything. Women on dating sites just looks at pictures, and don't bother reading the profile. They all want that cute guy....whatever else they say is BS

 

Funny thing is, some of these women have kids, and they want this guy to just take them with their baggage....which sometimes even includes dogs and cats.

 

Big girls are a lot of work when it comes to sex i.e. hard to get a momentum going.

Big girls are a lot of work when it comes to sex i.e. hard to get a momentum going.

 

this is really silly.......and quite untrue...but I have broken a few beds in my time...i have no problem with momentum.....i can even dance as a big girl too surprisingly..so i would say big girls can dance ...big girls can also have no problems moving during sexual interludes.........deb

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Smilecharmer Established Member

Smilecharmer

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Unfortunately...we live in a superficial world where looks is everything. Women on dating sites just looks at pictures, and don't bother reading the profile. They all want that cute guy....whatever else they say is BS

 

Funny thing is, some of these women have kids, and they want this guy to just take them with their baggage....which sometimes even includes dogs and cats.

 

Big girls are a lot of work when it comes to sex i.e. hard to get a momentum going.

 

What in the world are you replying to? :confused:

 

OP, she sounds lovely. I thought your concerns were well written and I think with time you can see past that skin of you give yourself a chance to be more of a compassionate being than you thought possible.

Edited by Smilecharmer
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Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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How old is she?

 

OP, I am assuming she is a young woman and some of that skin will actually go back with time, it can take up to 2 years. I am not sure how much skin we are talking about but if you have never been with a woman that had children before you may not know that what you see is actually normal for a belly that's been extended.

 

I lost 127-lbs a few years ago. I was 45 so too old for my skin to go back into place. I had to have a surgery we call a lower body lift. I had 18 inches of skin removed from my stomach and 10 inches on my hips and bum. I doubt your girlfriend has that much skin to remove?

HeartbrokenNewbie Established Member

HeartbrokenNewbie

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Wow your lucky I think bigger people have better personalities probably because they haven't relied on their looks/bodies to get them by & now she has lost the weight u probably have a beautiful, bubbly GF... That extra skin shows how committed, motivated & strong she is she should be proud x

Mrs Carter Member

Mrs Carter

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Wow your lucky I think bigger people have better personalities probably because they haven't relied on their looks/bodies to get them by & now she has lost the weight u probably have a beautiful, bubbly GF... That extra skin shows how committed, motivated & strong she is she should be proud x

I don't know about the OP's gf but I don't find the bolded true at all for a lot of large people. I think it's a complete misconception. Bigger people are often bigger because they deal with their anxiety/depression/emotional dysfunctions through comfort eating rather than tackling those things head on. You wear your inside on the outside.

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Grilled_Salmon Member

Grilled_Salmon

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Wow your lucky I think bigger people have better personalities probably because they haven't relied on their looks/bodies to get them by & now she has lost the weight u probably have a beautiful, bubbly GF... That extra skin shows how committed, motivated & strong she is she should be proud x

 

I think that's perhaps a little bit naive.

 

My brother is also on the big side, and has a terribly bad temper, not to mention he's extremely fickle, regardless of his achievements at school and all the praise he gets from his teachers and other acquaintances....never mind that he's also a bit of a misogynist as well.

 

I'd be surprised if any girl would date him, and that's just one person....

Tayken Established Member

Tayken

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this is really silly.......and quite untrue...but I have broken a few beds in my time...i have no problem with momentum.....i can even dance as a big girl too surprisingly..so i would say big girls can dance ...big girls can also have no problems moving during sexual interludes.........deb

 

 

Would you date an ugly or heavy guy then?

Dork Vader Established Member

Dork Vader

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It's not true that bigger people are bigger because they have emotional issues or over eat.

 

I'm 6'1 and about 200lbs. I'm not over weight. I consume at a minimum 6000 calories a day and have not set foot in a gym since I was 19. I do no drugs. I simply have a very high metabolism and do not gain weight.

 

I just now started going to the gym again. But not to lose weight. Simply to get in shape.

 

People can become obese for all sorts of reasons some of which are legit medical problems.

 

Physical appearance is no indication of whether or not a person has a good personality.

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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Some of my closest friends (known them since I was 2) Still struggle to this day (46 years later!), still feel insecure, still get frustrated, still yoyo diet, one runs and is still heavy. I am just saying the possibilies are real that I quoted, when it comes to someone who has struggled with their weigh all their life.

 

No one is shallow if they don't find fat attractive. You are attracted to whatever you are attracted to. Some men and women just love chunk, and those are the people that date over weight people....there is someone for everyone.

 

OP if you are struggling with the look of her stomach, you are not a bad person for feeling that way. It is what it is. Either you get used to it or down the road it becomes a deal breaker, that will be up to you. Not everyone can look past things, it's not a crime.

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DontBreakEven Established Member

DontBreakEven

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I think with time you can see past that skin of you give yourself a chance to be more of a compassionate being than you thought possible.

 

 

I am in love with that thought. I want to be more than I thought possible. I believe she can help me to become that person. :bunny:

  • Like 1
HeartbrokenNewbie Established Member

HeartbrokenNewbie

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The fact that u even posted this here shows u arent shallow because if u were u would have legged it when u first saw the loose skin... nobody is perfect, dont beat yourself up its just not something u have encountered before and anyway in a few years time we will all be saggy!!! :-) x

  • Like 1
smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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I find the older (mature) you get the less superficial you are....the more you find a deeper attraction to personality, compatibility, etc.

todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

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Would you date an ugly or heavy guy then?

 

I have never dated an ugly person...not to me ....i dont give a stuff what others say and i have had a relationship with a five foot tall guy......a six foot four guy...footballers and body builders these guys were heavier than me.....and no one ever called them ugly to their face.....i dont consider to have really met an ugly person......i have met cold guys and i dont date cold guys and that is personality related or lack there of....most guys probably would consider me ugly ...i would not date them no matter what they looked like.......deb

FitChick Established Member

FitChick

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Most people find something they don't like about a lover's appearance. You just tolerate it if they don't want to change. If they do want to change something, encourage them, support them and maybe even offer to pay for part of it.

 

OP can offer to pay for part of her tummy tuck. Otherwise buy her some sexy lingerie to wear during sex and tell her to keep it on because you find it sexy.

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