SoonMyFriend Posted August 5, 2014 Posted August 5, 2014 Hi LS, need a little advice on something. I'd like to talk to my boyfriend about where we stand/where he sees things going. Not in a serious "let's define everything" sort of way but more as a check-in to make sure we're both on the same page. However, one thing he doesn't really know about me yet is my anxiety disorder and the steps I am taking to improve myself. He knows I deal with it a little bit, but he doesn't know the full extent (I've had panic attacks in the past, for example). I see a therapist monthly, and have begun daily journals to help with my anxiety and I've come a long way. So here's where my question comes in - which subject do I broach first? The relationship, and then discuss my anxiety? Or my anxiety, and then let that sink in, and then discuss the relationship? I want to frame it with him as, my feelings for him are really developing and I want him to really know me from all sides. It's important to me to have both discussions, I am just not sure which one to deal with first. Some background info: we're both late 20s, been in serious relationships before, and have been dating just under 3 months. And yes I realize for some people the "what are we?" conversation happens a lot earlier, but things have been progressing very naturally for us so it never seemed to be a topic to really discuss. We've been exclusively dating the entire time we've been together. I guess I just want the verbal confirmation he feels the same, and the time feels right to have this discussion. Thanks everyone
Dork Vader Posted August 5, 2014 Posted August 5, 2014 I've always done this.. I just want to make sure we are on the same page.. So no one gets hurt.. Where do you see this going? As for the anxiety. It really depends on how bad it is. I'm OCD (which is an anxiety disorder). I go to therapy about once every 2-3 weeks for it. I do not take medication for it for numerous reasons. But I have to tell them with in the first 2-3 weeks of dating. People tend to notice something is different about me they just don't know what it is. I've been told that before. It's also hard for me to hide that I go to therapy. How I bring up the subject sort of depends.. But when I put it out there it goes something like this.. I'm OCD it's part of who I am. I go to therapy for it every 2-3 weeks and have it mostly in check. I don't have any crazy or extreme rituals.. It's not like what you see on TV.
Assasda Posted August 5, 2014 Posted August 5, 2014 Yeah, you should defintely tell him about your anxiety first. I personally have an aversion to "what are we talks" Just tell him that yo like him, and You hope that he likes you too, if you make everything real serious it can add too much pressure to the relationship
preraph Posted August 5, 2014 Posted August 5, 2014 I think three months is too soon to talk about where you're going. A lot of people don't consider they're going anywhere until they've survived a year. It scares guys off because they think the woman is pressing for commitment way before they're ready. I'd skip the where are we going talk because you might just derail your relationship by asking that question. I'd let him know about the anxiety but not in a dedicated one-subject conversation as if you set the stage because this is so important but more when you're anywhere near the subject, add in the details but don't make a big deal out of it and scare him off. A guy will talk about where you're going once he thinks he might be thinking in that direction. Of course, if he waits too long, like over a year, it may be time to see what's up. 1
somedude81 Posted August 5, 2014 Posted August 5, 2014 Is there a real need to have the "where are things going" talks? My guess is that at three months you guys should already have an idea of what you want. But maybe I'm mistaken? I didn't have one of those in my relationship and she dumped me at six months.
Author SoonMyFriend Posted August 5, 2014 Author Posted August 5, 2014 It's funny, I think the "what are we talk" and my desire to have one actually stems from my anxiety. I don't like uncertainty (aka I don't like not being in control). So right now, without the verbal confirmation from him, I am anxious about where I stand with him. It also doesn't help that I had my heart broken over a year ago because I was falling for someone who was not falling for me. I am also trying to avoid that heartbreak again. My anxiety USED to be a real problem. I've made great strides. It's more to tell him, hey - it's possible down the road I could have a setback and I may need some emotional support from you as I pick myself back up. Kind of a heads up I guess. I don't want it to be an intense "where are we going" conversation, more or less like a "I really like you, and I am really excited to see where this is going" conversation. By no means do I want to make this guy feel overwhelmed.
preraph Posted August 5, 2014 Posted August 5, 2014 Any mention of a direction your relationship is going will be picked up on for what it is because men are on the alert for this. Three months is too soon. When he has any inclination to state his intentions, which will be after he knows he has longer term intentions, he will bring it up in some way. Don't let your insecurity ruin every relationship you have by demanding commitment too fast.
Author SoonMyFriend Posted August 5, 2014 Author Posted August 5, 2014 I am not demanding anything. I just want to tell the guy I like him... seriously, that's too much? I am not declaring my love for him...
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted August 5, 2014 Posted August 5, 2014 On what planet is three months too soon to talk about your relationship status? If you're dating exclusively and you consider each other boyfriend and girlfriend, there's absolutely no reason why you can't have this talk. I think you should broach the subject and bring up your anxiety issue if it arises. If you've been seeing each other regularly for three months, he probably has some idea about it already.
clia Posted August 5, 2014 Posted August 5, 2014 I am not demanding anything. I just want to tell the guy I like him... seriously, that's too much? I am not declaring my love for him... But doesn't he already know you like him by virtue of the fact that he's your boyfriend? Did you have an exclusivity talk and discussion about being boyfriend/girlfriend? To me, that's the "where are we going" talk, and it sounds like you must've already had it since you are exclusive and boyfriend/girlfriend. I guess I don't really understand what you are angling for with this talk. Preraph is right -- even if you don't mean to declare your undying love for him, some guys leap to that conclusion at the first sign of a commitment talk and run away screaming. 1
d0nnivain Posted August 5, 2014 Posted August 5, 2014 I always have a where are we talk of some sort before intimacy. three months into the relationship in your 20s at most this conversation should be about exclusivity but nothing more. In your late 20s maybe, you could test the waters to determine the other person's views on marriage but not whether a relationship this young was even possibly headed in that direction. I also don't think you have to make an announcement about your mental health. If the topic comes up organically . . . like he asks you to do something on a particular day but you can't because you have therapy, it's OK to tell him that you are under care but he really doesn't need details & a diagnosis at this point.
Sunfire73 Posted August 5, 2014 Posted August 5, 2014 I think going out with him for 3 months is obvious that you like him. No need for the talk, or you can just say it after a good date or night out. As for your anxiety, i agree with others, it shouldn't be a serious topic as well. When you are just casually talking with him you can bring it up, or when you're watching a tv show about it or something. That just means you have it under controlled and want to share it with him. I had those mild anxiety issues, and it got worse last year with panic attacks, and ended up taking meds before I met my bf. At that time, I got it under controlled, stopped the meds and didn't mention it to him when we met. Not until I got comfortable when I was able to share that, probably 6 months into our relationship. It was just casual when the topic just came up. You don't need to rush anything, wait for the right time, and it's always good to talk about it naturally.
Author SoonMyFriend Posted August 6, 2014 Author Posted August 6, 2014 We haven't had any talk of exclusivity, it just sort of organically happened. We started dating, and I can't speak for him, but I knew after our third date I didn't want to date anyone else and wanted to focus on him. I know he hasn't been dating others either. I guess I just started feeling like I needed the verbal confirmation, just to know I wasn't getting my hopes up for someone who doesn't return the feelings. It's funny - last night we were out for dinner and we bumped into some old school friends of his and for the first time he introduced me as his girlfriend. Guess I don't need to have the chat anymore
Recommended Posts