Need some kind words and reassurance.

[lolok7]

I've already read through all that I needed to know, I understand what I should do and shouldn't do and how I can move on relatively quickly and stay healthy all the same. But since it's only the second day post the break-up, I could use some reassurance. I am deliberately not talking or moping with my friends because I have heard them all out in the past with their relationships and it just becomes a habit. I do not want to wallow but the pain and the tightness in the chest is just coming up and going down every few hours, I cry when it gets too much and I feel relieved. I have exams coming up and I'm completely unable to concentrate although I'm trying.

 

The brief background is this - 5+ years, immense emotional investment from both of us, we gave in at least in the beginning. Things went south about 3 years in (I was an annoying, insecure person and it was only getting worse, and he wasn't perfect but he was also giving me a million second chances).

 

Yes, if I had to make some kind of a rough sketch of where the fault lay for the failure of this relationship, it would be 70:30 (me:him). I accepted my faults, and have been working on myself for a while now, but I guess it was too late.

 

In a sense I knew I had it coming, but I wasn't prepared for him to do it when things were actually good, and he showed no signs at all. He "dumped" (I hate this word but so be it) yesterday - and he did it by telling me he had met his soulmate via Twitter. He said he had been looking for someone, anyone for a while and that he was more clever than me because now he has someone to fall back on while I don't; and that he wasn't sorry.

 

I could only only laugh when it happened because it was too much to process. The ONE person, not as a lover, or friend, but just as a human being with whom I thought we'd always have each other's back even if eventually we decided to end the relationship but find a friendly ground because that's how deep we went.. he did this.

 

Now I cried my heart out, then I thought about it - and the good thing is I don't hate him at all. I know I made many goofups earlier and he probably never let go of that, so I'm happy if this new girl will give him the love and respect he wants and deserves.

 

I'm not angry at myself either, I wasn't very good when I could have been, but I have forgiven myself and I try every day not to repeat the old behavior patterns.

 

I just miss his presence, I also feel hurt that he hated me enough to pull such a sucker-punch of a break-up on me instead of just walking away. If he planned a revenge then he really must have kept so much anger and hatred against me. I know that's not my problem to deal with but it makes me wonder if I'm underestimating how bad a human being I am. I don't feel like I am.

 

I miss him, I am still slightly shocked and it feels surreal, I'm also accepting this has happened and I'll just have to deal with it. I'm feeling like I was replaced and my ego is bruised. 5+ years of habit, the companionship, the sudden absence of that is the biggest jolt right now.

 

I know this is it, it's gone and life will be different now, and I do want him to be happy and I truly hope he has met his soulmate. I just wish he had given me time to prepare too, because he was letting go while we were together and I was there for him through so much I didn't deserve this. But it's happened and I'll just have to deal with it.

 

Honestly, I've already lost track of what I've written and forgotten what I wanted to write. It's all a daze but it's only the second day. I WANT to love again and I want the pain to go quickly. And I really, really need to study right now.

[Missy0724]

I'm so sorry...Hugs!

 

Just know you are not alone!

 

I'm impressed with your attitude already, so soon after a break up! You are stronger than you realize!

 

It sounds like you are processing, thinking in a healthy way, although it's SO hard! I don't think I wish my ex happiness right now, especially with someone new. Sure, I'm accepting it's over, and he also had already "left" the relationship before break up. Just how it works. Sucks to know now he already probably met someone, too. Same- this man was my best friend, someone I truly believed would be in my life forever. Love is blind, oh yes.

 

You sound like a very strong person! I'm inspired by you! I think you will be ok!

 

If he's telling you he found someone else, listen to his words. Let him go, which sounds like you're already beginning to do... Maybe someday after healing, you could be friends again. It happens.

 

But right now, take care of YOU! Kick ass on your exams! So hard! I can't imagine! But take back your power now, so YOU and what you're doing matters, is your priority.

 

Go NC, so you can heal. He's made his choice. Listen to him and stay away. There are consequences to our choices. When someone chooses to leave us, they've made up their mind. It's not an easy thing to do, esoecially if it was a deep relationship. They can't have their cake and eat it, too. He found his "soulmate". Good for him! If that is what he believes, Best of luck to them! Stay out of his life, bc that's best for you, him, this new person.

 

Stay strong! Know you are not alone!

[lolok7]

Thank you for replying! It really helps, I hope you know that, and your words gave me strength.

 

You're absolutely right - my confidence has plummeted but there's still some self-respect left in me, and no matter what the reason for any relationship ending, I can't ever get back in touch with someone who planned on betraying me, hurting me. No-contact is not a problem, I have already blocked and deleted wherever I needed to - and soon (I'm not ready yet) I'll get down to deleting all the pictures and other memories. But those can wait, they're not in front of me.

 

I just had another hearty cry and some more clarity on my own feelings - and I miss what I thought this relationship was about, more than I actually miss him. The more I think about him the more I lose respect, I keep replaying yesterday's meeting in my head where he sat next to me telling me about his new soul-mate.

 

I am a strong person and I will be over the point where this will stop hurting, sooner than I think, and since this was my first real relationship and all-too-real break-up, I guess I can learn a lot from this, and hopefully when I do find love again I'll be a far more mature person, and I won't take anyone for granted or assume their love is unconditional and permanent. That's the biggest mistake I made and for that I feel very sorry.

 

I'm so sorry to hear about your pain too, you hang in there and we'll all just make it through and feel free and happy again. I have only read about this pain up until now and now that its finally happened to me, good God it sucks, worse than anything I could have imagined.

 

But when the pain gets too much I find myself smiling or laughing, and I look up a funny video on youtube. When it comes down a little I cry out the negative thoughts and move around and release the tension. And I'm back to studying - thank you again for your words, this support is so much better than whining over the phone to someone, for me personally.

 

It's just life.

[lolok7]

Okay so since I last posted I ended up losing control, stopped NC and sent him as many angry mails/messages as I wished to, when the physical pain from the heartbreak got very bad.

 

Today was the lowest point I have ever reached in my entire life - I ended up stalking the new girl he's with, she's posted her phone no. publicly (so easy), and messaged her about how cruel people can be, 6 years of commitment is nothing compared to 15 days of new attractions etc. Nonsense trashy message.

 

I sort of sank on to the floor right after, in disbelief about how pathetic I was behaving, and whether ANY person anywhere is worth making a fool out of myself. He called and messaged soon enough to tell me to stop behaving like an idiot and harassing the girl and let it go - and I'm going to do just that.

 

I thought I was going to be brave while dealing with this but I didn't realize how much I was holding in, today I sort of slapped myself in the face and I've snapped out of the emotional cyclone I was trapping myself in.

 

Posting this update just to share that I did end up acting insane when I thought I'd keep things under control. I'm still so embarrassed and this wasn't worth it, letting go and not breaking NC would have been far more dignified.

 

--------

 

I've also realized I'm a codependent, with very real implications for my future as well. I have no residual feelings anymore, no blame no guilt, this relationship should have ended much sooner I pushed a nice enough guy to the brink. I don't blame myself because I've had a tough childhood and I haven't had many friends or any real support, I dealt with everything best I could. I'll make sure to get in a relationship with myself now, for real, I shouldn't feel lonely on my own I have a lot of talent and potential for good things.

Edited August 16, 2014 by lolok7

[lonewalker]

It is ok. It is not easy to go NC especially for someone u been with for so long.

 

You said u dont have residual feelings but i can feel ur sadness. Being sad is not being weak. It is only human.

 

And you need to get it off your chest. Especially if you had no one to talk to.

 

And you are not insane. Just depressed and these negative emotions makes one irrational.

 

You are completely normal. And i feel if you can admit 70% of the fault lies you, you aint that bad. U just need to know not to make those mistakes and take things for granted.

 

All you need is time. Dont force urself to be ok. And it is ok to cry and grieve.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Okay so since I last posted I ended up losing control, stopped NC and sent him as many angry mails/messages as I wished to, when the physical pain from the heartbreak got very bad.

 

Today was the lowest point I have ever reached in my entire life - I ended up stalking the new girl he's with, she's posted her phone no. publicly (so easy), and messaged her about how cruel people can be, 6 years of commitment is nothing compared to 15 days of new attractions etc. Nonsense trashy message.

 

I sort of sank on to the floor right after, in disbelief about how pathetic I was behaving, and whether ANY person anywhere is worth making a fool out of myself. He called and messaged soon enough to tell me to stop behaving like an idiot and harassing the girl and let it go - and I'm going to do just that.

 

I thought I was going to be brave while dealing with this but I didn't realize how much I was holding in, today I sort of slapped myself in the face and I've snapped out of the emotional cyclone I was trapping myself in.

 

Posting this update just to share that I did end up acting insane when I thought I'd keep things under control. I'm still so embarrassed and this wasn't worth it, letting go and not breaking NC would have been far more dignified.

 

--------

 

I've also realized I'm a codependent, with very real implications for my future as well. I have no residual feelings anymore, no blame no guilt, this relationship should have ended much sooner I pushed a nice enough guy to the brink. I don't blame myself because I've had a tough childhood and I haven't had many friends or any real support, I dealt with everything best I could. I'll make sure to get in a relationship with myself now, for real, I shouldn't feel lonely on my own I have a lot of talent and potential for good things.

 

Should you have sent that message? No. But, girl, if that is the MOST insane/inappropriate thing you ever do in the wake of a break-up, you are better off than 95% of people. It sounds like you're already aware of the mistakes you've made and the psychological needs that affect them. Find a professional who will help you and start the work to become stronger and more resilient.

 

Don't worry. You got this.

[Smilecharmer]

We all make mistakes when we are in pain. Don't beat yourself up because you will learn from this and it will make you stronger. Safe hugs, if ok.