Mingo Posted August 5, 2014 Posted August 5, 2014 Hey, I am wondering if anyone can give me insight to what happened to my relationship and how to get over it! I was with a younger man for just under 4 years. We are from different countries. We met in my country. He went back to his country and then came back to mine. We moved in together, then after 6 months he withdrawals from pressures of finding a job. He says he can't live with me in my country, and returns to his. He professes his love. He was very over the top with his love. We then go ldr via skype and email and one day, he dumps me, but cries like he does not mean it. So I jump on a plane and see him in person. We patch it up and decide that I should move to him. So I sell all my stuff in my country and move to his. I spend a year learning the language,and the next year working crappy jobs to get ahead. We then decide to have a baby. He seams so happy. He took good care of me. But during the time, he'd also say I was not doing enough, learning the language fast enough. He'd be uber protective of me, yet mention I would be a bad mother. That I can't take care of myself (which I can). He'd have crazy outbursts during arguments and throw stuff, potplants, plates, perhaps on 3 occasions. I started to feel tired and he'd get angry that I did not clean the house etc. But to my defence, I was working all nights, days, and studying the language on my days off. While at the same time professing his undying love. Saying we must do things for the couple etc. then I come back to my country for 6 weeks to see my family. At first, he misses me etc. then right before I come back he dumps me, saying he can't love with me. I am releived at first, but very sad because I thought we were in love. So I go back to my house abroad because it is our shared house and he is nice but extremely pushy for me move our. Turns our he has a list of my imperfections that he would put next to his computer while skyping me to cross check his reasons for dumping me. And these reasons were just couple stuff - like me being from another country, money, etc, but nothing that he did not already know or that could not be worked out. He said that I was not good enough for him and he is looking for someone better, perfection. He said he would never marry someone like me or have a baby with me (yet he was super keen before and we often spoke of marriage). He was domineering when getting me out and knew I had no where to go in my own country. He got upset about me breaking the 'rules' when we were together, like eating a hamburger in his car, or not cleaning his car. He said we have strong feelings for each other, but it is not logical to stay together. He said also he loved the cat more than me and hated living with me. He was caring one moment but nasty the next. So I get pushed to extreme and leave and come back to my own country broke, with no job or know where to go. He then keeps in contact for a bit bad fades off. He said we will never get back together and I beleive him. Anyway, this is really traumatic for me, has anyone and insight as to what happened. I had all my hopes and dreams that we'd get married and therefor, I spent all my money on making us a nice house. He did not even acknowledge my contribution to the household. I feel really guilty I did something wrong and really abandoned. He's now working on being the man he wants to be, and I am starting from scratch. He's going out all the time with his new best friend, clubbing and on a holiday. And seams happy as ever while I am crying into my pillow. Commitment phobia? Or, just hated me? Tips to get over it?
hoping2heal Posted August 5, 2014 Posted August 5, 2014 Hey, I am wondering if anyone can give me insight to what happened to my relationship and how to get over it! I was with a younger man for just under 4 years. We are from different countries. We met in my country. He went back to his country and then came back to mine. We moved in together, then after 6 months he withdrawals from pressures of finding a job. He says he can't live with me in my country, and returns to his. He professes his love. He was very over the top with his love. We then go ldr via skype and email and one day, he dumps me, but cries like he does not mean it. So I jump on a plane and see him in person. We patch it up and decide that I should move to him. So I sell all my stuff in my country and move to his. I spend a year learning the language,and the next year working crappy jobs to get ahead. We then decide to have a baby. He seams so happy. He took good care of me. But during the time, he'd also say I was not doing enough, learning the language fast enough. He'd be uber protective of me, yet mention I would be a bad mother. That I can't take care of myself (which I can). He'd have crazy outbursts during arguments and throw stuff, potplants, plates, perhaps on 3 occasions. I started to feel tired and he'd get angry that I did not clean the house etc. But to my defence, I was working all nights, days, and studying the language on my days off. While at the same time professing his undying love. Saying we must do things for the couple etc. then I come back to my country for 6 weeks to see my family. At first, he misses me etc. then right before I come back he dumps me, saying he can't love with me. I am releived at first, but very sad because I thought we were in love. So I go back to my house abroad because it is our shared house and he is nice but extremely pushy for me move our. Turns our he has a list of my imperfections that he would put next to his computer while skyping me to cross check his reasons for dumping me. And these reasons were just couple stuff - like me being from another country, money, etc, but nothing that he did not already know or that could not be worked out. He said that I was not good enough for him and he is looking for someone better, perfection. He said he would never marry someone like me or have a baby with me (yet he was super keen before and we often spoke of marriage). He was domineering when getting me out and knew I had no where to go in my own country. He got upset about me breaking the 'rules' when we were together, like eating a hamburger in his car, or not cleaning his car. He said we have strong feelings for each other, but it is not logical to stay together. He said also he loved the cat more than me and hated living with me. He was caring one moment but nasty the next. So I get pushed to extreme and leave and come back to my own country broke, with no job or know where to go. He then keeps in contact for a bit bad fades off. He said we will never get back together and I beleive him. Anyway, this is really traumatic for me, has anyone and insight as to what happened. I had all my hopes and dreams that we'd get married and therefor, I spent all my money on making us a nice house. He did not even acknowledge my contribution to the household. I feel really guilty I did something wrong and really abandoned. He's now working on being the man he wants to be, and I am starting from scratch. He's going out all the time with his new best friend, clubbing and on a holiday. And seams happy as ever while I am crying into my pillow. Commitment phobia? Or, just hated me? Tips to get over it? How about rude, controlling, anal-retentive jackass with a side of dick-head ass-hole? Hmm, sounds about right... Might be hard to see now, but you got the better end of the deal. You're free of this ass-hole, and he'll always have to live with the thoughtless prick that he is. Do you think you would have been happy on a long-term basis with someone who is so critical, demeaning, negative and just plain mean to you? It was a blessing in disguise that you did not have a baby with this man. Imagine how he might have treated your child:sick::sick: Grieve the loss and keep him away from you. Stay out of his life and his business. He's working on becoming the man he wants to be? Good for him. Now you're free of him and you can work on becoming the woman you want to be. You will have the opportunity for a second chance at love, and I hope next time you will choose someone who is truly loving towards you e.g. shows love, doesn't just profess it. When you feel down about it, envision the life you would have had with him...him always making you feel less than, him treating you like you are an incompetent helpless child, instead of a fully capable adult. Him having contempt for you for being a human being and inherently, equipped with flaws. This guy is a puke fest. :sick::sick::sick::sick: barf!!!
StalwartMind Posted August 5, 2014 Posted August 5, 2014 I'm sure there are people living and putting up with much "worse" relationships, but I couldn't really find anything overwhelmingly positive in any of what you wrote. Perhaps it's a cultural barrier between your two nationalities, depends on where you both are from, however no matter what he did not sound very pleasant at all from what you wrote. While you both may of been in love and wanted children, a life together etc. He seemed to change mood, attitude and behavior to a degree that would only ruin things. There could be many reasons as to why he treated you the way he did, but in the end none of them are appropriate to behave like he did. It may not be the best thing to hear right now when you are in tears, but my initial impression is you'll be better off without him. I couldn't imagine myself or anyone I care about, treating their significant other in ways that are so negative and hurtful. Take heart in your courage and commitment you've displayed, albeit for an undeserving man by the sounds of it, but you'll be able to channel all your love and passion into someone whom will return it equally without all the nasty bits. 1
Author Mingo Posted August 5, 2014 Author Posted August 5, 2014 Thanks, There were many positives too. Lots of compliments and lots of put downs. But it seamed like he was always searching for the negative in me. He had this thing where he'd mention that he had doubts. Could not decide yes or no if I was the 'one'. And in the end, his doubts lead him to ending it. He often talked about some big catastrophe of the future. Which did not make sense to me, because I always look at the positive. Do you reckon he always knew we were going nowhere and was faking it or something? When I came back to my country before he dumped me, he professed how much he missed me. I really just do not understand. I trusted him so much, and he let me down so badly. It was like he made me jump through hoops, and in the end, I was not good enough. He also sighted that he could not trust me, not my loyalty, but trust to do the small things in life. But that is not true, because I am super trustworthy. I am just an ordinary, nice person.
GoBlue Posted August 5, 2014 Posted August 5, 2014 Co-habitation is not a good way to prepare for marriage. Studies have shown over-and-over again that such couples have higher instances of domestic abuse, lower levels of marital satisfaction, and are much more likely to get a divorce. I suppose it can be attributed to human nature and the tendency to enjoy all the benefits of marriage without any of the real obligations of such a commitment. When you give everything a man wants without requiring the commitment, you are opening yourself to this kind of disappointment. I am a man so this isn't a bitter woman spewing anger. I really am sorry for your pain. I hope you find healing and wholeness soon.
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