Aslanbek Posted August 5, 2014 Posted August 5, 2014 I have been married for 25 years and the relationship has gone from strained to miserable to hellish. We haven't had sex for years, she doesn't sleep in the bed with me, and she is a total cold fish in terms of affection. She is also extremely verbally abusive toward me, especially in front of the kids. In short, I am sick and tired of her - in fact this whole thing is turning into, if not already turned into, hatred. Most of the time she acts like she can't stand to be in my presence, and the feeling is definitely mutual. I very strongly crave love and affection (and/or sex), but I know that for a lot of reasons, I can't really have an affair. But is there something wrong with me for wanting to?
Ronni_W Posted August 5, 2014 Posted August 5, 2014 I very strongly crave love and affection (and/or sex), but I know that for a lot of reasons, I can't really have an affair. But is there something wrong with me for wanting to? No, of course not. You are looking for connection, closeness, emotional intimacy (as well as physical)...for adults, romance and sexual enjoyment are also proper, appropriate ways to experience those things. I am sorry that your life has turned into this. You haven't given your age -- it could be 45 to 65 -- but no matter what else, are you sure divorce will not be a better, saner, more self-compassionate, self-loving option for you?
Author Aslanbek Posted August 5, 2014 Author Posted August 5, 2014 No, of course not. You are looking for connection, closeness, emotional intimacy (as well as physical)...for adults, romance and sexual enjoyment are also proper, appropriate ways to experience those things. I am sorry that your life has turned into this. You haven't given your age -- it could be 45 to 65 -- but no matter what else, are you sure divorce will not be a better, saner, more self-compassionate, self-loving option for you? I'm 51. I'm pretty sure it may end up that way, but the process is what I fear. The "wife" is a nasty, vindictive sort who wants to "win" rather than have a fair resolution. I don't want to be a part-time parent either.
Ronni_W Posted August 5, 2014 Posted August 5, 2014 With you as their part-time parent, though, your children will at least get to have HALF a life of love and kindness and good stuff. Divorce can get ugly, it's true, but the legal system also does strive for (relative) fairness in the matter. One way to start to overcome your fear of the process is to just arm yourself with accurate information for the jurisdiction you're in. Doesn't have to be through a lawyer...unless you do end up deciding such might be in your own -- and your children's -- best interests. 1
central Posted August 5, 2014 Posted August 5, 2014 There's nothing wrong with wanting one. There is something wrong with staying in a hellish relationship. End it and free yourself to pursue happiness.
whichwayisup Posted August 5, 2014 Posted August 5, 2014 I have been married for 25 years and the relationship has gone from strained to miserable to hellish. We haven't had sex for years, she doesn't sleep in the bed with me, and she is a total cold fish in terms of affection. She is also extremely verbally abusive toward me, especially in front of the kids. In short, I am sick and tired of her - in fact this whole thing is turning into, if not already turned into, hatred. Most of the time she acts like she can't stand to be in my presence, and the feeling is definitely mutual. I very strongly crave love and affection (and/or sex), but I know that for a lot of reasons, I can't really have an affair. But is there something wrong with me for wanting to? How about you and your wife go to marriage counseling, come clean about how you feel and why you're unhappy in the marriage. Seems you two let life get in the way, stopped making time for one another, allowed resentments to build up and detached from each other which is why your marriage isn't good anymore. Obviously you had the love at some point, enough to get married and have children. 25 years of marriage is a lot to throw away without trying and giving your best. If you and your wife are both unhappy still after marriage counseling and efforts have been made to try to salvage things, then talk about divorcing. Why stay in a miserable marriage? Imagine what life will be like once the kids move out and it's just and her? Glad to hear you're not going to cheat. That will just make things worse.
whichwayisup Posted August 5, 2014 Posted August 5, 2014 I'm 51. I'm pretty sure it may end up that way, but the process is what I fear. The "wife" is a nasty, vindictive sort who wants to "win" rather than have a fair resolution. I don't want to be a part-time parent either. If you have an affair you'll be a part time parent anyway. You will make every and any excuse to get out of the house as to not spend time with your wife and the kids. What if you end up falling for the woman you're having an affair with? Also, give this some thought...Your kids see the dynamic between you and your wife... What is that? A healthy, loving and kind relationship? OR one that is distant, angry and resentful. Your kids are basing how a relationship is supposed to be by example, what they see at home. It's dysfunctional and not healthy for them. You can co parent with your wife, have two households and still have a great relationship with your kids. They will adjust with the help of family counseling and respect between you and your wife to always put the kids well being first above your own.
Author Aslanbek Posted August 8, 2014 Author Posted August 8, 2014 With you as their part-time parent, though, your children will at least get to have HALF a life of love and kindness and good stuff. Divorce can get ugly, it's true, but the legal system also does strive for (relative) fairness in the matter. One way to start to overcome your fear of the process is to just arm yourself with accurate information for the jurisdiction you're in. Doesn't have to be through a lawyer...unless you do end up deciding such might be in your own -- and your children's -- best interests. I've done a lot of research.....no guarantee of fairness in these courts.
Author Aslanbek Posted August 8, 2014 Author Posted August 8, 2014 How about you and your wife go to marriage counseling, come clean about how you feel and why you're unhappy in the marriage. Seems you two let life get in the way, stopped making time for one another, allowed resentments to build up and detached from each other which is why your marriage isn't good anymore. Obviously you had the love at some point, enough to get married and have children. 25 years of marriage is a lot to throw away without trying and giving your best. She won't go to counseling. If you and your wife are both unhappy still after marriage counseling and efforts have been made to try to salvage things, then talk about divorcing. Why stay in a miserable marriage? Imagine what life will be like once the kids move out and it's just and her? I know things will end then. I just can't wait that long, but I'm stuck. Can't afford to move. Glad to hear you're not going to cheat. That will just make things worse. Yeah. I don't have any prospects even if I wanted to cheat anyway.
Author Aslanbek Posted August 8, 2014 Author Posted August 8, 2014 If you have an affair you'll be a part time parent anyway. You will make every and any excuse to get out of the house as to not spend time with your wife and the kids. But that's a major reason I wouldn't do it. My wife doesn't care if I spend time with her or not; same here. But I'll never take time away from my kids. What if you end up falling for the woman you're having an affair with? It'd be implausible for me to even have an affair, so I don't see anyone falling for me or me falling for anyone. Also, give this some thought...Your kids see the dynamic between you and your wife... What is that? A healthy, loving and kind relationship? OR one that is distant, angry and resentful. Your kids are basing how a relationship is supposed to be by example, what they see at home. It's dysfunctional and not healthy for them. Yes, I know it is a bad example. You can co parent with your wife, have two households and still have a great relationship with your kids. They will adjust with the help of family counseling and respect between you and your wife to always put the kids well being first above your own. You don't understand. My wife is not a rational, respectful person. Marriage is miserable, and so would divorce be because I'd still have to deal with her.
RonaldS Posted August 8, 2014 Posted August 8, 2014 Some thoughts: - you're probably way past the point that counseling could help, but maybe some IC could help you out - you are modeling relationships to your kids. You are showing them, 'This is a healthy relationship'. But it's clearly anything but. Taking a stand is for more than just yourself....it's for your kids, too. - affairs are messy and rarely work the way anybody wants them to. To me , this isn't really a moral issue. Look, you're in a terrible relationship, stuck in it. You are seemingly getting nothing from your wife. So, why stay married? There's no prize for going through life being miserable. You're miserable, you're miserable, you're miserable....and then you're dead. Is that an acceptable life for you? I'm divorced. It's caused all kinds of issues, because I have young kids. That being said, it was maybe the best, smartest move I ever made.
Author Aslanbek Posted August 9, 2014 Author Posted August 9, 2014 Some thoughts: - you're probably way past the point that counseling could help, but maybe some IC could help you out - you are modeling relationships to your kids. You are showing them, 'This is a healthy relationship'. But it's clearly anything but. Taking a stand is for more than just yourself....it's for your kids, too. - affairs are messy and rarely work the way anybody wants them to. To me , this isn't really a moral issue. Look, you're in a terrible relationship, stuck in it. You are seemingly getting nothing from your wife. So, why stay married? There's no prize for going through life being miserable. You're miserable, you're miserable, you're miserable....and then you're dead. Is that an acceptable life for you? I'm divorced. It's caused all kinds of issues, because I have young kids. That being said, it was maybe the best, smartest move I ever made. Hmm. How could it have been such a great move if it caused issues regarding the kids? That's what I have tried to avoid all these years.
RonaldS Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 Hmm. How could it have been such a great move if it caused issues regarding the kids? That's what I have tried to avoid all these years. There isn't a direct correlation between having parents together and happiness of the kids. What kids need are love, support, guidance, understanding, love, discipline, caring, love...you get the pic. Sometimes, it's far easier to authentically provide that when the parents dissolve the marriage than it is when they stay together. When two parents don't love each other, or like each other, but insist on staying together, the kids notice and it affects them. Having both parents under the same roof isn't always good for the kids, and having the family split up isn't always a bad thing. Kids are super resilient, and if the aforementioned parenting elements are provided by both parents, the kids can still have a great life. When I spoke of issue, really, most of them were logistical. Sometimes it's a pain. It can be a pain shuttling kids back and forth. But I'm terms of day-to-day existence, my life is infinitely better. Not even close. And I'm there for my kids, so they're in good shape. Arguably, better shape than they might have been in, given that they now have two happy parents.
ascendotum Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 "I can't really have an affair." You listed not being there for your kids which I totally understand, but you still feel you can't fit in a casual clandestine affair as well as be a great dad? It is still very important that you be you the individual as well you the father. I didn't begrudge my dad working overtime or going out for beer with his work mates or old buddies or going off to the country to visit some old relative, or spending time working on things in the garage. You could even visit a pro once a month for an hour for a bit of pleasure. From what you have said I realise divorce will be ugly and its not always fair by any means, but don't underestimate the damage it can do to kids pysche or their desire to get married themselves, living in a house were there is seething resentment between their dad & mom.
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