beavs Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 I've been helped here before and I'm hoping maybe I can get some help for this, too. This is going to be long, possibly confusing and probably over dramatic but here goes. I started dating my boyfriend, D (31), last September. I met him through my neighbors, S (27? I think) and M (31). S is female, M is male. They're engaged, I think, or at least that's what they like to tell people. D and M knew each other for about 5 years, S met D and M about 3 years ago. As soon as D and I started dating, S immediately became territorial of him. She made some comments about how she "sabotages of all D's relationships" and told my mother and I that she "was originally supposed to hook up with D, but she was more interested in M instead" and how "D was so heartbroken she chose M over him" but if she could "go back in time, she would make the opposite decision". I asked D about both of these comments, says S has never sabotaged anything and he was also not attracted to her as she looks like his sister. I just thought maybe she was trying to be funny or make jokes, so I sucked it up and continued to hang out with them. Every time I did, I felt like I wasn't supposed to be there. I felt tolerated rather than welcomed, I was extremely uncomfortable and ultimately I made the decision to no longer be around S and M (mainly S, M wasn't a total douchebag). She would always make me feel left out, ignore me, would rather not talk to me, always talking to D, making comments about blondes (I'm blonde), etc. D still talked to them from time to time and what have you, but when he would come down on the weekends (he lives about an hour and a half away), he would stay with my parents and I. He didn't see them much because we didn't see each other during the week and we were all lovey dovey. M and S had started to get close to my mother around this time. M had decided to run his mouth about D's finances. His finances aren't the greatest, he didn't make the best decisions when he was younger, but the debts are going down. My mom had told me "not to tell D about it", but I had asked him if everything was ok with him and M. He said as far as he knows and why would I ask that. And I told him his finances keep getting brought up in conversations between mother and M. This upset him because he's very embarrassed about his debt and living situation (parents house) and would prefer M not talk to his girlfriend's mom about it. He, stupidly, decided to keep quiet about it and just avoid M and S altogether. I told him he should have had a sit down with them about everything months ago, but he decided not to until last week. He decided to do that because S was baiting my mother into trying to talk about our sex life. She seems to think we've had sex in her house, even though we never did. I was not present for this conversation. D said they denied pretty much everything, S more or less called me a liar, and D left. Well, mom was upset that I had told him about M talking about D's finances and how he "used it as ammo" against them. I've "lost her trust", essentially. She's pissed at D now, wants nothing to do with him, has bad things to say about him, etc. She decided to apologize to S and M about telling me about what M had said. They also had a conversation about me, in which I'm sure S denied everything once again, and probably fed her a bunch of bologna. S texted me yesterday with a novel about how "we never hated you" "we wanted you to feel comfortable" etc etc etc. Pretty much calling me a loony toon and a half assed apology for "everything that has happened and how you felt" (sorry you were offended by my behavior, essentially). She's always still trying with the "you had sex in my house" thing, even though, once again, I never did. She forwarded it to my mom, of course. In my opinion, it was all about kissing my mom's ass. Regardless, they're not gonna tell her they dislike me TO her. My mom has done a lot for them and their dogs. They don't want to lose that. It's all about ass kissing. It was done for my mom and not me. I asked my mom why Stephanie texted me and she told me a little about the conversation. And said "And you know what? I really like her." Thanks, mom. All this time she's been saying she was on my side, she never was. Someone that made me feel like **** is completely ok with my mom, meanwhile, she's still pissed at me for telling my boyfriend that he has ****ty friends. I don't know how much longer I'm gonna have to live here, but I'm wondering if anyone can offer me some kind of advice on how to approach this with my mom? I want a peaceful household for the time that I'm here which hopefully won't be too much longer.
mrs rubble Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 OMG! S sounds like the looney tune in this story. I'd be really tempted to start making up stories about her and then deny them, just like she has! That's not going to get you anywhere though. Really, I think you should refuse to partake in the gossip at all. Tell all of them (including your mother) unless it's coming from the horses mouth you don't want to know!
preraph Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 No good can ever come of someone's mother making friends with their childrens' friends. A lot of them will try to do it unless harnassed early on about it, and they feel flattered young people like them and so it's no surprise she's taking her side. Your mom is using them to pry into your business, and until you get out from under her house and away from S&M, it's going to stay that way. If I were you I'd guilt your mom bigtime for not supporting you. And if she held her ground I'd tell her she's pathetic for hanging out with her daughter's friends to begin with and to get her own friends because you're dumping these two. And I hope D goes along with it. Men never see the collusion when there's a flattering female involved such as S. She's possessive of him, and that's what the real conversation needs to be. But I believe I'd make losing those two a condition of staying with D at this point and also be looking for a way to move out so your mom has to get a life of her own and will have to stop poaching off yours.
Author beavs Posted August 5, 2014 Author Posted August 5, 2014 OMG! S sounds like the looney tune in this story. I'd be really tempted to start making up stories about her and then deny them, just like she has! That's not going to get you anywhere though. Really, I think you should refuse to partake in the gossip at all. Tell all of them (including your mother) unless it's coming from the horses mouth you don't want to know! She is a loony toon. She's wanted to my boyfriend for years, even my mother (and my father, for christ sake) thinks so. She started all of this nonsense. Now she wants to play the victim. It's pathetic. No good can ever come of someone's mother making friends with their childrens' friends. A lot of them will try to do it unless harnassed early on about it, and they feel flattered young people like them and so it's no surprise she's taking her side. Your mom is using them to pry into your business, and until you get out from under her house and away from S&M, it's going to stay that way. If I were you I'd guilt your mom bigtime for not supporting you. And if she held her ground I'd tell her she's pathetic for hanging out with her daughter's friends to begin with and to get her own friends because you're dumping these two. And I hope D goes along with it. Men never see the collusion when there's a flattering female involved such as S. She's possessive of him, and that's what the real conversation needs to be. But I believe I'd make losing those two a condition of staying with D at this point and also be looking for a way to move out so your mom has to get a life of her own and will have to stop poaching off yours. I've already dumped those two, D has as well. We took a break about a month ago, and one of my stipulations for getting back together was to not have any contact with them (he didn't have much contact with them for the past 7ish months anyways). None of this had happened yet, but the drama for 10 months was beyond immature and not worth my time. I was not about to get back into this kind of crap again, and look what managed to happen. This time, it's 1000 times worse because it involves my mom. Mom actually wasn't even involved, she involved herself by "apologizing" to them for telling me what M had said. "They weren't even talking to me!" she said. Well, boo-hoo. They're mad cause you shared something with your daughter? HELLO. I'M HER DAUGHTER. I'M DATING THE GUY YOU CALLED A FRIEND FOR 5 YEARS. Plus, that's the reason I was afraid to date D to start with. Cause I knew M and S talked to my mom. I didn't want details of my relationship or whatever to get back to her. I'm so upset. I'm upset because she wants to be buddy buddy with the grown woman who was trying to take down her 20 year old daughter. I'm upset because I feel like I've been stabbed in the back. I'm upset because, really, I have no one else to blame but myself for allowing S to walk all over me. It never should have come to this. I'm upset because my mom would rather have a happy neighborhood than a happy household. I'm upset because she now hates my boyfriend even though, to me, he didn't do anything wrong. I'm upset because giving birth to me has gone completely out the window. I apologized for unintentionally starting crap. I really didn't mean to start anything. But that doesn't matter. Right now, my mom is pretty much acting like I don't exist. It's such an overreaction. I just want to talk to her so she can try to see MY side. Or at least acknowledge my existence and my feelings. Because, clearly, she doesn't care. She tried pulling the "I was always on your side" with me, but this just proves that maybe she once was, but she's definitely not anymore as far as I'm concerned.
preraph Posted August 5, 2014 Posted August 5, 2014 Your mom shouldn't be in your friends' lives, period. That's selfish of her. She's in the wrong here.
GoBlue Posted August 5, 2014 Posted August 5, 2014 Forgive and forget. These people are not the sum total of your relationship with your mom. There is a scripture that talks about defending yourself. Essentially it says "don't" because the kind of people that S and M are will become clear eventually. You can't convince your mom of something that she doesn't want to be convinced of. "As far as it is possible with you, live at peace with all men." You can't fight about something or someone whom you never bring up.
Blade96 Posted August 12, 2014 Posted August 12, 2014 No good can ever come of someone's mother making friends with their childrens' friends" Sometimes it can work. My parents are on good terms with my two best friends of 14 years. and I have her mother on fb, as well and am on good terms with her. Sometimes it can work. This situation though, as was pointed out, is looney tunes. and won't work here.
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