sweetblubrry Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 (edited) I'm just seeking other opinions about this because I want to see if I'm just crazy or if this is kind of fishy on the girl's part. My boyfriend and I live together and have been dating for over 3 years now. We definitely want to get married and see a future together. A couple of months ago this girl from out of state has been texting my boyfriend a lot and she used to be in his group of friends probably 5-10 years ago around college time. He is a graphic designer and she would ask him to do a design logo of her name (which I am not sure why she needed as I don't think she legit needed it). The texting was getting to be a lot so I confronted him about it and he reassured me saying that there was nothing between them and that he loves me and that they are just friends. It seemed to stop for awhile. This week this girl came down from out of town and my boyfriend met up with for lunch on a friday and came home straight after that. I was upset by this but he again told me they are just friends and that he loves me. The next day he went to a theme park along w/ his best friend and a few others and hung out (her included). The next day a few of them also went to the beach. Then today while he's at work I get a text saying that she invited him over to her house to have dinner w/ her and her family and asks if I would be okay with it. Now to me that bothers me. I can understand hanging out in a group of friends but the dinner thing? I feel like that is crossing the line. He respected my wishes and said it would only be friends but that he is going to skip it and come home. Would any one else feel this way? I don't want to prevent him from seeing his friends but I am having a hard time explaining why it bothers me. It is more that I don't trust her intentions b/c I do trust him. If i was single I would not be inviting a guy over to have dinner w/ my family who I know was in a serious relationship. I don't care if you have been friends for 20 years! I know that she is only down here for a week so I can understand why you would want to see your friends but this seems odd. Am I crazy? Edited August 4, 2014 by sweetblubrry
preraph Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 Unless he had a close relationship with her family all those years ago, he's got no reason to be meeting them now. I think she is trying to move in on him. You might remind him how long it was before you met his parents or he met hers and what it meant. I think it's time to call it: No more outings with this girl even with a gang unless you're there. 4
Zahara Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 So, why aren't you being invited to the theme park, the beach, etc.? Does this woman know you exist because if I knew, and it was just platonic, I would include you as well. Has he introduced you to her? 5
TAV Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 Why did you not join the group of friends on their outing since you already feel this way about that girl? And why isn't your bf introducing you to this woman and/or suggests all three of you hangout together? Since you've repeatedly indicated you feel insecure about this friend I'd expect him to do this and make his life a whole lot easier. Unless he of course likes to lead her on and talks down on you in her presence then he would not want you anywhere near her.
TAV Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 So, why aren't you being invited to the theme park, the beach, etc.? Does this woman know you exist because if I knew, and it was just platonic, I would include you as well. Has he introduced you to her? ha, ha, you read my mind, Zahara
Zahara Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 ha, ha, you read my mind, Zahara I know! It's very apparent something isn't right if it's all on the downlow! OP, time to instill some boundaries. 1
No Limit Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 Tell your BF you'll come along too. Why would you miss out on fun with such a good friend? 2
ExpatInItaly Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 I also feel that's odd. Were you invited to the other outings? Does she know about you? He did the right by asking you how you felt and respecting your wishes, but I would have a talk with him about boundaries. Things are a little too close for comfort, in my opinion 2
Dork Vader Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 Okay so this relationship is having with her is inappropriate. Especially if you are not being invited. The only way this friendship would be remotely appropriate is IF they are/were long time friends and very close before, but had some type of falling out. Either way your boy friend can't have this separate life. The fact that he is not putting boundaries up with this woman should be a major red flag. I have a few female friends. We do NOT text daily. The only time that we do is if one of us is going through a hard time. It's VERY clear in the conversation we are just friends. When I have a girl friend she is ALWAYS invited to hang out with my female friends. When they are intentionally not inviting you. There is a reason for it. This new "friendship" is clearly creating conflict between you and your boy friend. That means your boy friend simply does not care or is to stupid to see it. He is slowly pushing the boundaries with this friendship. Be a strong confident woman and put your foot down. I've been down this road numerous times he's going to say.. "she's just a friend" "it's just platonic" and in general he will justify this friendship anyway he can. He'll rationalize it anyway he can. When he does tell him to knock it off.. 2
Author sweetblubrry Posted August 4, 2014 Author Posted August 4, 2014 (edited) Thanks everyone for your replies. I guess I was not invited because this was a group hangout thing of people from back in those days. Like a high school reunion type thing and I do not know any of them. I am perfectly fine with them hanging in a group setting. I'm pretty sure my boyfriend knows her parents from back in the day. Odd thing is my boyfriend's best friend's girlfriend was also having the same issue. She started harping on him about talking to this girl saying she was always texting him. Then the girl was texting MY boyfriend whining about how the other gf was upset about her texting his best friend. I don't know if that's just how she is or what. I do trust my boyfriend but I do not trust this girl. I just don't know her intentions but her actions are fishy to me. He says there is nothing going on and if they were going to date it would have happened before when they were in high school/college. I just find it weird because he has never talked to her or even mentioned her until the last couple of months. Why pop up out of nowhere now? It's just strange!! I am sure I'll be talking to him about it tonight. SO even if they have known each other from back in the day (her family as well) how do I explain to him that going to this dinner is inappropriate? Edited August 4, 2014 by sweetblubrry
ExpatInItaly Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 Thanks everyone for your replies. I guess I was not invited because this was a group hangout thing of people from back in those days. Like a high school reunion type thing and I do not know any of them. I am perfectly fine with them hanging in a group setting. I'm pretty sure my boyfriend knows her parents from back in the day. Odd thing is my boyfriend's best friend's girlfriend was also having the same issue. She started harping on him about talking to this girl saying she was always texting him. Then the girl was texting MY boyfriend whining about how the other gf was upset about her texting his best friend. I don't know if that's just how she is or what. I do trust my boyfriend but I do not trust this girl. I just don't know her intentions but her actions are fishy to me. He says there is nothing going on and if they were going to date it would have happened before when they were in high school/college. I just find it weird because he has never talked to her or even mentioned her until the last couple of months. Why pop up out of nowhere now? It's just strange!! I am sure I'll be talking to him about it tonight. SO even if they have known each other from back in the day (her family as well) how do I explain to him that going to this dinner is inappropriate? He already said he's not going, right? Tell him what you told us. He obviously checked with you first because he knew it might not be cool. Be honest and say her level of contact and behaviour make you feel uncomfortable. Hanging out one-on-one with this girl isn't cool, particularly when you're not invited in the first place. It's not respectful of your relationship for her to be inviting only him (and only him) to family dinners. This shouldn't be difficult for him to understand. If it is, you might have a bigger issue with boundaries. 1
Author sweetblubrry Posted August 4, 2014 Author Posted August 4, 2014 Yes he is not going. And he's not upset about it or anything, he just doesn't understand why I would be upset about it cause they are just friends. I've never had something like this come up before with him. He's a very homebody type of guy, just this friend from the past just sorta came up.
stillafool Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 If one of my old school chums wanted to get together I would definitely bring my husband because I would want them to meet him and vice versa. I think what she's doing is completely inappropriate at their age. Next time go with him. 1
Eau Claire Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 Get married! Please..... You are not even free to express your feelings when not married. This is a dead end relationship. Move on. He is completely oblivious or, worse, disrespectful of your comfort zone...and this after how many years?
DazedandConfused8 Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 Unless he had a close relationship with her family all those years ago, he's got no reason to be meeting them now. I think she is trying to move in on him. You might remind him how long it was before you met his parents or he met hers and what it meant. I think it's time to call it: No more outings with this girl even with a gang unless you're there. +1 This is not a "oops, we were hanging out and met her family." There's no need for him to be meeting them. 1
rester Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 My opinion: - Occasional lunch together is okay. - Occasionally catching up with old friends without you is okay. If it's an ongoing thing, I'd wonder why he isn't introducing them to you. - Dinner at her house without the other friends, and without an invite for you, is weird. Unless he's really close with her family, but that doesn't seem to be the case. And if he IS really close with her family, it seems like a good occasion to meet you. Sounds like your boyfriend is trustworthy, though. Glad he was willing to decline the dinner invitation because it bothers you. That's a good thing.
Dork Vader Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 Thanks everyone for your replies. I guess I was not invited because this was a group hangout thing of people from back in those days. Like a high school reunion type thing and I do not know any of them. I am perfectly fine with them hanging in a group setting. I'm pretty sure my boyfriend knows her parents from back in the day. Odd thing is my boyfriend's best friend's girlfriend was also having the same issue. She started harping on him about talking to this girl saying she was always texting him. Then the girl was texting MY boyfriend whining about how the other gf was upset about her texting his best friend. I don't know if that's just how she is or what. I do trust my boyfriend but I do not trust this girl. I just don't know her intentions but her actions are fishy to me. He says there is nothing going on and if they were going to date it would have happened before when they were in high school/college. I just find it weird because he has never talked to her or even mentioned her until the last couple of months. Why pop up out of nowhere now? It's just strange!! I am sure I'll be talking to him about it tonight. SO even if they have known each other from back in the day (her family as well) how do I explain to him that going to this dinner is inappropriate? No you do not trust your boy friend. You are questioning him and for good reason. You are rationalizing this and justifying it for your boy friend. The friendship is not appropriate and the whole "an old group hangout" thing is complete BS. Would he leave at you home because he's going to a class reunion? Why is this any different? It's not and even if it was an "old times" type of thing that would happen ONCE. The texting would not be constant and the relationship he is forming with her would be over and done with. There is a lot wrong with this picture. You know it because it's making you uncomfortable. It's not old times and it's time for him to grow up. When you are in a relationship you're committing your life to that person. You are committing to share your entire life with that person. Not bits and pieces of it. This idea that you can have these side lives is complete BS. Sure we all need space and time to ourselves. But that is what friends and family are for. Not some girl from years ago.. I assure you if you put yourself in this position he would be pissed. Even if you were in an open relationship (I was in one once). The commitment is still the same. But you agree to a degree of openness and put up boundaries and rules for it. There is no justifying this at all. 1
todreaminblue Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 i feel its good to have friends when you are in a relationship and have your own interests and hobbies.......but....its not really cool for dinner dates with opposite sex friends..... and even though its a high school reunion thing with a group of friends also.... you are part of his life now and should be included.....that includes meeting friends opposite and same gender friends...its not a jealousy thing it is a respectful and courteous thing......it is acknowledging a relationship that is between the two of you....and respecting that relationship as being really important .......... i think what is also important is to be able to express when you think boundaries are encroached on and that makes you uncomfortable.....this expression is just as important as saying how comfortable you are in a relationship......communication when you are uncomfortable stops a heap of problems from snow balling out of control.... so in my experience always err on the side of sooner tell than later tell....so you can deal with it without the build of resentment and doubt..i wouldnt have a problem with a partner of mine having friends and spending time with friends .....but if it was opposite sex friends i would ask him this.....how would you feel if i go out with this guy for dinner who you really dont know all that well and also his parents do you feel comfortable with that? because it doesnt matter how long one person has known someone ....if the other person isnt sure of them or doesnt know them at all.....it becomes doubt filled.i had this friend a female she had a boyfriend who was devoted to her and her son ......she used to ask my boyfriend to fix things a lot.....to come over and do this and do that .....i would often ask look can i help you to give him a break seh would say no you arent strong enough or no it needs a man to do it....i would go ok ....and my partner at the time would go over.......well yeah doesnt take rocket science she wanted personal plumbing done while her bf was at work working his butt off......i was young and naive at the time...and i wanted to trust her and i respected the way her bf spoke of her so highly...........you have every right to feel uncomfortable...so voice it./.....dont let it slide ever.....listen to your gut .........and there needs to be mutual comfortability not all on one side......your bf seems to be doing the right thing and is respecting you and your relationship by asking so just be honest with him how you really feel , and dont compromise on that honesty...........good luck...deb
amaysngrace Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 Why do you need to know the people at the amusement park or the beach to have fun? You know your boyfriend. And those places are fun! Your boyfriend should have invited you. 5
Omei Posted August 5, 2014 Posted August 5, 2014 I would talk to my bf and try to get him to start including you with these get togethers. I agree the dinner invite is weird and to me that's a move in on him.
Author sweetblubrry Posted August 5, 2014 Author Posted August 5, 2014 Well I talked to him about it and he said he definitely understands why I would feel that way. He has always saw her as a friend and they've known each other and her family a long time (along w/ the rest of their friends) and didn't think that is how I would see it. He came home tonight and agreed that if he were to go out it would only be in a group of friends b/c he doesn't want to make me uncomfortable. Said he's just been so happy to socialize w/ old friends b/c he never gets to do that anymore. He has no social contact at work and doesn't hang out with friends b.c we are at that age where people have their own lives now. My bf is a social person and I'm the total opposite. As far as hanging out with them, I really don't have a desire to. These are his old friends and I'm not a very social person and I would not be able to relate as they have known each other for a long time. I know it would make me feel left out and then he would be worrying about me not being included. I don't have a problem with him hanging out in groups of friends especially since they are only here for a week. It's just the having dinner w/ a girl but he understands why I would not be okay with it now and is not going to do it. 3
acrosstheuniverse Posted August 5, 2014 Posted August 5, 2014 That is just really weird. I would definitely question why I wasn't included in the plans and why my boyfriend wasn't super excited to have me over for dinner too to introduce me! One of my best friends in the whole world, T, I've been close to his parents for years too. I often pop round and see his Mum when T isn't there as he moved miles and miles away. I see his parents similarly to mine and I've even lived with them before for a month when I was totally stuck between rentals. They've over the years always been really excited to have my boyfriends over and meet them, whether T is there or not. I only catch up with them every few months but his Mum will always ask if I'm seeing anyone new or how my relationship is going and then tell me to bring him next time. That's not weird at all, but I could see why my boyfriend would be weirded out if I was going over there for dinner and he was excluded. It would look like something romantic was going on.
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