may_girl Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 So I am in the process of cutting off my fwb. Basically asked him straight out if he wanted me to stop texting him because it never feels like we can hold a conversation and I got no reply. I think that was my kick up the bottom. Now, I need motivation/ideas how to just cut someone off and stick with it. These things I have always been terrible at. What works? What doesn't? Hopefully this helps a lot of people as well as me. Thanks guys
d0nnivain Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 Mind over matter. Take them off all social media so you aren't tempted. I always make a list of why I'm better off without the person & re-read it a lot, especially when I'm feeling weak. Staying busy is also a good idea.
Author may_girl Posted April 30, 2014 Author Posted April 30, 2014 I left a casual situation I had with someone I had known for a very long time, only a few days ago. I told him I was done with it and I wasn't going to text him any more. And despite him sending me a few texts, I ignored them - because of this I was proud of myself. But I am also hurting. It hurts more than I thought it would. I believe I was forced into leaving the situation because him not committing fully to me was hurting me. I am somebody who struggles to let go. It was the same with my ex and it's happening again now. I need some words and quickly, before I undo all my hard work here. >_< Thanks.
Echomaker Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 I left a casual situation I had with someone I had known for a very long time, only a few days ago. I told him I was done with it and I wasn't going to text him any more. And despite him sending me a few texts, I ignored them - because of this I was proud of myself. But I am also hurting. It hurts more than I thought it would. I believe I was forced into leaving the situation because him not committing fully to me was hurting me. I am somebody who struggles to let go. It was the same with my ex and it's happening again now. I need some words and quickly, before I undo all my hard work here. >_< Thanks. I'm wondering if you can clarify a couple things. First, you said you weren't "going to text him anymore." Was this relationship long-distance? Online? Were you dating at all? Second, you said it was "a casual thing" but then said you felt forced into dumping him because he wouldn't fully commit. Was this casual BECAUSE he wouldn't commit, or was it a mutual decision that this relationship was casual? More to the point, I don't have the most experience when it comes to dumping someone, but I do remember the guilt I felt when I did though she and I had only gone on a few dates. The thing is, it still feels bad to dump someone. It's normal. The key is to stick to your guns - if you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it and your best bet is getting out of it so you both can find someone, rather than string him along. 1
Author may_girl Posted April 30, 2014 Author Posted April 30, 2014 I'm wondering if you can clarify a couple things. First, you said you weren't "going to text him anymore." Was this relationship long-distance? Online? Were you dating at all? Second, you said it was "a casual thing" but then said you felt forced into dumping him because he wouldn't fully commit. Was this casual BECAUSE he wouldn't commit, or was it a mutual decision that this relationship was casual? More to the point, I don't have the most experience when it comes to dumping someone, but I do remember the guilt I felt when I did though she and I had only gone on a few dates. The thing is, it still feels bad to dump someone. It's normal. The key is to stick to your guns - if you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it and your best bet is getting out of it so you both can find someone, rather than string him along. Hey, thanks for your reply. The relationship was essentially friends with benefits although there was indication of it evolving into a relationship at the beginning. We live a little way apart so met up whenever we could but texted pretty regularly (until it began fading out recently). As far as commitment goes, the roles reversed. We agreed this was commitment free, then he began wanting more. He then stopped and I started developing feelings. He was aware of this but continued to give me mixed signals- he couldn't make a decision about what he wanted and then began distancing himself. I then had to leave the situation. So although technically I didn't 'dump' him because there was no relationship to begin with, I was the one who walked away from what we had. I don't think there is any danger of stringing him along in this case. I'm sure you see that now I have explained the story. He would have continued this bit I had to leave for my own good. It is the classic story, head says leave but heart says stay. I need to really keep my strength but I am struggling.
Echomaker Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 Hey, thanks for your reply. The relationship was essentially friends with benefits although there was indication of it evolving into a relationship at the beginning. We live a little way apart so met up whenever we could but texted pretty regularly (until it began fading out recently). As far as commitment goes, the roles reversed. We agreed this was commitment free, then he began wanting more. He then stopped and I started developing feelings. He was aware of this but continued to give me mixed signals- he couldn't make a decision about what he wanted and then began distancing himself. I then had to leave the situation. So although technically I didn't 'dump' him because there was no relationship to begin with, I was the one who walked away from what we had. I don't think there is any danger of stringing him along in this case. I'm sure you see that now I have explained the story. He would have continued this bit I had to leave for my own good. It is the classic story, head says leave but heart says stay. I need to really keep my strength but I am struggling. While he could very well have started having feelings for you, perhaps once he saw - or felt, I suppose - you reciprocating, he was scared to go further. An unfortunate thing that does happen. Oh, I definitely don't believe you would be stringing him along since you walked away. I was just agreeing and making the point that you did the right thing. That said, try not to beat yourself up. Easier said than done, of course, but that's really all you can do. Find ways to distract yourself if you need to, vent if you have to. We're all here to listen and help.
stillafool Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 You completely did the right thing. Why continue in a relationship that doesn't lead to more when that is your goal. If this guy wanted you to be his gf he would be the one calling you and trying to work it out. It is spring now and he has decided it is best that he runs free. Do not engage in anymore FWB type relationships because one person always ends up wanting more. Decide what type of relationship you want and seek someone who feels the same.
FredJones80 Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 Do not engage in anymore FWB type relationships Never understood these, I guess I just get too emotionally attached.. even for a guy
Author may_girl Posted May 2, 2014 Author Posted May 2, 2014 Basically a few days ago I wrote on here about how I cut off my fwb because my feelings were getting too strong. I decided it was for the best. On a side note: When we were hanging out, a close friend of mine had some awful news about a family member. I confided in him and he was very supportive. Last night I received good news regarding the situation and decided to tell him, as he asked to be kept informed. We got straight back into the same conversation as last time. He couldn't understand why it was that I had to break contact altogether from him and why I thought we couldn't stay friends. He said over and over again that I was overreacting. When I tried to explain the situation on my part, he then turned extremely cold, telling me to not bother and that I can walk away 'quite freely'. This was a side I hadnt seen of him before. He said there was nothing more to say as I had already made my decision. He also stated that I was using emotional blackmail - I assume by that he meant that if he couldn't give me a relationship, then I was taking my friendship away from him as some sort of punishment. I then thanked him for the conversation, as it helped me decide that what I am doing is for the best. And I ignored his replies as none of them made me feel good. I felt like he was being horrible, not understanding and very bitter towards me. I understand this was a fwb arrangement but my feelings changed. I couldn't keep this up anymore and he didn't like it. I don't know why but I am always left doubting myself, feeling bad and like I have done something wrong. I told my friend about it today and she told me to delete him off Facebook - that way it shows I am serious and there is no temptation to go back. So I did. LSers, am I in the wrong here or am I taking the right steps?
Zahara Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 You're not in the wrong and you did take the rights steps in self-preservation. If he cannot accept your needs, it isn't your responsibility to adhere to his. Whatever his reasons are for acting this way isn't your issue. It was an FWB arrangement. If it's not working for one, then there is no arrangement. And if there are emotions, the only way to cut that off is to disengage.
Author may_girl Posted August 4, 2014 Author Posted August 4, 2014 Can anyone please offer advice here? I have been 'friends with benefits' with this guy since January. He started out really warm and wanting a relationship. Now, for the last few months, the tables have turned and he has been EXTREMELY hot and cold. More-so cold recently, with me mostly beginning conversation where often he doesn't reply for days. Although it is not what I want, I know deep down this should end. I am wondering how can I 'break up' with him?We are not together. He owes me nothing but at the same time I feel I need to shut this off. I am not at all happy, I am extremely anxious and when I hear from him I have a knotting feeling inside; most the time I become scared he will moan/be grumpy about something I have said or done to him. Advice will really be appreciated here. Thank you everyone X
marcjb Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 Just be straight forward and tell him you aren't interested in a "FWB", and are looking for something serious with someone. Then get rid of the "friendship", as it will only be toxic to keep around when you are with someone who is serious.
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