He likes me a lot but doesn't want to be in a room alone with me

[ldrgirl000]

We met 4 months ago, started dating for a month. He is charming and sweet, everybody likes him, specially women. So of course he had many lovers, married young (23yo) and he is separated now (30yo).

 

We talk a lot and have fun. Quite a healthy beginning, he let his daughter go out with me, i met some of his friends. He is honest about his past, he cares about me

 

He hold my hands and kisses me goodbye. Slowly he started to seduce me by nibbling my lips when we were in the cinema, quick kiss on the neck, touching my face, kissing my hands in the cafe...But when I lean in for a deep kiss, he suddenly becomes shy and says he is not comfortable with PDA. I said I don't want to make out in public either, so we can go somewhere private, go home or a hotel. I don't want to rush things but I want to kiss him and be alone with him.

 

He said he doesn't want to be in a room alone with me just yet until I get to know him better. He said he is jealous, possessive and dominant. He won't like it when other men look at me, once I accept to come to his place, it will be to have sex, not just to make out and cuddle.

So we wait, but then he says things like 'i want you to be mine', 'I really want to hug you right now'.

 

He suggests we go on a date on the duck boat so we have some privacy and not indoor in a room with a bed. I hate that duck boat for two, i find it so lame and creepy so I haven't agreed to go yet.

 

I really really like him but I don't want fall in love with him and become too blind to realize his real personality. Can you please give me some advice, thank you

[DazedandConfused8]

Sounds like he's confused, and on the one hand pushes you away and attempts to scare you by saying he's dominant and possessive, and then tries to pull you back in by kissing you and saying he wants you to be his.

[ThorntonMelon]

He sounds dreadful to me, so I am assuming there are other things about him that you haven't shared that you find attractive.

 

That said, there's something very odd about his behavior. Lets you see his daughter but won't be alone? Comes out and tells you he's so jealous that other men can't look at you?

 

My guess is he is pushing you, hard, to completely submit to his whims so that when you do "conquer" his "fear" and he starts acting like a lunatic he can tell you that he told you so ahead of time and it's your fault for backing out on him now.

 

If you were my friend, sister, etc...I'd beg you to get away from him ASAP.

[writergal]

He sounds like a guy who emotionally manipulates and grooms women before he moves on to physically abuse them. His words don't match his actions by the way. He doesn't like public displays of affection, yet he kisses your neck, touches your face and kisses your hands while you're out in public? Almost like he's showing the public that you're "his" possession. He told you that he's jealous, possessive and dominant...and you're actually OK with that?!

[O'Malley]

He said he is jealous, possessive and dominant. He won't like it when other men look at me, once I accept to come to his place, it will be to have sex, not just to make out and cuddle.

 

This is his real personality, and the above statements should be a big red flag. Him being charming in public and letting you spend time with his daughter are just surface behaviors that require little effort on his part.

 

Certainly it's normal for some people to be shy about PDA, but from the sound of it, he does engage in it with you, and only stopped and claimed he didn't like it when you initiated it. More significant is that reasonable minded men don't tell you that you won't be allowed to visit his house unless you have sex with him, nor do they divulge that they are jealous, possessive and dominant. These aren't healthy qualities for a prospective partner to possess. I have to agree with some of the other posters, it's not advisable to continue dating him.

[GemmaUK]

You seriously need to read up on those types of behaviours he told you about.

 

Get away from this man right now.

 

This is scary and he already knows and has even told you how he is going to behave if you'd take the time to look it all up.

He has more than likely abused women in the past. Either verbally, emotionally, physically or all three.

 

I spent a few months with someone who turned out to be manipulative, controlling and emotionally abusive, that was bad enough!

I also had no idea what was going on until I researched it after I finally got rid of the idiot.

[TAV]

OP, everything this man does is obviously about control. He calls the shots, not you. That is the way it is going to go. He does not get his kicks from being with you, having fun and seeing you get along with his daughter; he gets his kicks out of controlling you.

 

It starts now by deciding where and when you will have intimacy and it will continue by him deciding how you will have that intimacy, what clothes you can and cannot wear, how you should behave when you are amongst other people, if and when you are allowed to go out on your own etc. etc.

 

I completely agree with the other posters. Get out now you have not yet fallen under his spell. He did you a favour by warning you about his personality.

[Stumble]

When someone tells you who they are the first time, believe them! Run away and consider yourself lucky that this one has given you the warning with all the red flags

[ktya]

The duck boat thing is about control of the situation. You cant escape.

 

I would expect forced sex if you get on that thing.

[acrosstheuniverse]

At best, he fancies himself a real-life Christian Gray. At worst, he's a jealous, possessive, controlling psycho. Seriously, if a guy told me that going back to his place meant I HAD to have sex for him I'd laugh at him so hard and then never see him again. Jesus. What happened to hanging out, things progressing slowly, what if you want to kiss and cuddle in front of a movie before you get intimate? He's pathetic.

 

He sounds deeply insecure, probably hoping that if he plants the seed in your mind you'll be desperate for him to 'accept' you and think you're good enough. He is getting a kick out of waiting for you to accept going to his place, because then he will get a secret kick out of calling you a whore, laughing at how easy you are, how badly you want it... it's all about his ego.

 

RUN.

[GemmaUK]

What scares me the most is him saying it.

 

It comes over as sinister....I shivered and swore to myself when I read your post OP.

 

My Mum was married to a guy before she met my Dad.

One of the last evenings she spent with him he threw his plate and the food she had cooked at the wall. The reason? They had the same meal a week before.

 

Shortly after that on the same evening he threw her at the same wall. Same reason as above.

 

She left with only the clothes on her back aided by a very good friend several days later but with many injuries.

 

The guy was a total gent and very well liked and respected.

He married again.

His 2nd wife died in her thirties. She was pregnant. That is all we know.

 

My Mum passed away through illness just before I turned 18 and I could kick myself for not asking what led to her being thrown at that wall.

I know it wasn't a one off..it breaks my heart. I'm so glad she got away and found my Dad.

It's only 27 years after her death that I now know exactly what led to her being thrown that day.

[preraph]

F*ck the duck boat. He sounds creepy and lots of red flags. I don't care if he's nice sometimes. Ted Bundy was nice sometimes.

[ldrgirl000]

He sounds like a guy who emotionally manipulates and grooms women before he moves on to physically abuse them. His words don't match his actions by the way. He doesn't like public displays of affection, yet he kisses your neck, touches your face and kisses your hands while you're out in public? Almost like he's showing the public that you're "his" possession. He told you that he's jealous, possessive and dominant...and you're actually OK with that?!

 

Actually, he is good looking and charming, so it wouldn't be hard for him to get almost any girl he wants without the manipulation. Before we dated, all the girls in my office knew him and talk about how cute and nice he is. Even my female bosses who don't always smile, they know him and like him too. There are a lot of handsome guys, but my guy is so charming that men and women, everybody is attracted to him (whether he is faking the charm or not).

 

 

At best, he fancies himself a real-life Christian Gray

 

No he doesn't know about that book, but now that you mentioned it, i remember what he told me b4. He just seems like a complicated person from a complicated family. Maybe he was a sex addict so he has to avoid sex? he told me about his bad habit, smoking and drinking, how he sleeps with nightmares, he gets sleep paralysis and see his grandpa hitting his grandma, someone trying to stab him.

 

When I got to know him better, he actually seems insecure and not confident as people see him. He acts careless then sometimes he texts saying he misses me. He acts tough, but when I play with his hair, he lean on my shoulder like a little boy. But I don't know maybe he wants to play mind games, maybe he is sick of easy girls, maybe Im the new challenge even though I'm not the prettiest girl.

[todreaminblue]

i don't go by others perceptions of guys to date them i make my own mind up ...that includes guys that are popular...or not so popular i get to know the guy...what is a duck boat?

 

i dotn know why this guy is sayign off things that would have my spidey sense tingling...if he were a nice guy i would say he doesnt want to be alone with you...because doesnt want to get to intimate with you and not too public shows of affection is understandable as g is always best in public.....but

 

 

then he said he will have sex with you that he is dominant ....which si nto normally what a dominant guy will say to you ...they just are who they are and they dotn need to say it......seems off to me....sorry ....i woudl keep the dates public.....at all times......open him up, does he actually look you in the eyes when he says these things to you about being dominant?....deb.

[writergal]

OP, by 4 months it's normal to be inside your significant other's home to have sex, cook, watch tv/movies together, sleep, eat, do laundry and such. Don't you find it odd that your boyfriend ignores all of your natural instincts and instead puts conditions on everything with you? Doesn't that set off your red flag alarm bells at all? It would for me. Don't you have any doubts or gut feelings nagging you about this man that make you second guess his intentions with you?

[acrosstheuniverse]

No he doesn't know about that book, but now that you mentioned it, i remember what he told me b4. He just seems like a complicated person from a complicated family. Maybe he was a sex addict so he has to avoid sex? he told me about his bad habit, smoking and drinking, how he sleeps with nightmares, he gets sleep paralysis and see his grandpa hitting his grandma, someone trying to stab him.

 

When I got to know him better, he actually seems insecure and not confident as people see him. He acts careless then sometimes he texts saying he misses me. He acts tough, but when I play with his hair, he lean on my shoulder like a little boy. But I don't know maybe he wants to play mind games, maybe he is sick of easy girls, maybe Im the new challenge even though I'm not the prettiest girl.

 

Of course he doesn't know about that book, of course... why would be be trying to ape what he thinks women are after and then admit that he's seen the book he's basing this weirdass behaviour on? I'm just saying, don't believe the words he says. He sounds creeepy and untrustworthy.

 

I also second what toodreaminblue says, if he truly was naturally a Dominant man, he would not need to be telling you this. He would let you learn this slowly and naturally if you're not in the Dominant/submissive scene yourself. My first experience with a Dominant man I was 22, he was 39. He took things slowly, we had a friendship to base it on already, he was just happy to be alone in a room with me and of course he pushed things further and further each time but if he'd had told me if I entered a room alone with me he'd be having sex with me he knows I'd have run a mile.

 

However even he, and he truly was a real and seasoned Dom (he makes Christian Gray's character look like a teenager playing for the first time) and a sadist, would never have told me the stuff your guy is telling you. About being jealous of other guys looking at you. About being possessive. Because he actually respected me and we remain friends to this day, four years after our relationship.

 

Try not to flatter yourself too much or it'll hurt so much more when it falls apart. Even if you were his latest challenge, what do you think will happen when he's 'won' and bedded you? Lose interest.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Also I'd like to add, I had a four year relationship with a guy who told me before we got together he was jealous and possessive, so that I could make my own mind up about being with him or not. I was so into him I went ahead anyway. He sure was jealous and possessive, I wasn't allowed to go swimming in case people saw me in a swimsuit, not allowed to wear a skirt in case somebody saw up it, wasn't allowed to see a male gynaecologist or doctor. I was with him for four years. Whenever I tried to challenge him he'd draw me back to 'but I TOLD you about this and you decided you could handle it and wanted to be together anyway'. Eventually I stopped challenging because he would make me feel so terrible and the relationship feel so rocky if I didn't obey that I was just desperate to keep the peace.

 

And to this day I don't really think he was nasty, or cruel. He was just a 19 year old kid like me who didn't really know how to handle deep insecurities. He would never have tried to suggest sex was mandatory. Not a fully-fledged grown man who sounds much more dangerous.

[ldrgirl000]

OP, by 4 months it's normal to be inside your significant other's home to have sex, cook, watch tv/movies together, sleep, eat, do laundry and such. Don't you find it odd that your boyfriend ignores all of your natural instincts and instead puts conditions on everything with you? Doesn't that set off your red flag alarm bells at all? It would for me. Don't you have any doubts or gut feelings nagging you about this man that make you second guess his intentions with you?

 

Also I'd like to add, I had a four year relationship with a guy who told me before we got together he was jealous and possessive, so that I could make my own mind up about being with him or not. I was so into him I went ahead anyway. He sure was jealous and possessive, I wasn't allowed to go swimming in case people saw me in a swimsuit, not allowed to wear a skirt in case somebody saw up it, wasn't allowed to see a male gynaecologist or doctor. I was with him for four years. Whenever I tried to challenge him he'd draw me back to 'but I TOLD you about this and you decided you could handle it and wanted to be together anyway'. Eventually I stopped challenging because he would make me feel so terrible and the relationship feel so rocky if I didn't obey that I was just desperate to keep the peace.

 

And to this day I don't really think he was nasty, or cruel. He was just a 19 year old kid like me who didn't really know how to handle deep insecurities. He would never have tried to suggest sex was mandatory. Not a fully-fledged grown man who sounds much more dangerous.

 

thanks for sharing.

 

We met yesterday, we went out to eat, drink then he took me back to his place.

I have to agree that he seems deeply insecure but I don't think he is creepy. Maybe he tries to act tough and dangerous, but when we were together he was really calm, he took things slowly, I felt really peaceful around him. I have been with my ex, who was a lot more aggressive and much less considering towards me.

He made out but didn't do it. He was gentle and didn't force me to do anything uncomfortable. Then he cuddled me and snuggled under my arms, really close to my armpit. He seems vulnerable like a kid. I don't know him well enough to understand why he has to act all tough and strong, try to seem mysterious.

 

Maybe my guy is a bit like your ex, he did say he wants to give me more time until I accept the fact that he is selfish and possessive. But i don't think he is a psycho. He never mentioned the duck boat again.

 

A bit more detail about him, if you want to know. When we were out, we went to a casual street food place, he joked with the waitress about the glass of water that she brought us. He was being silly and made the girl blush. He was very respectful and jokes that the glass was half filled and the water evaporated on the way up to the 2nd floor.

As we both wore torn jeans, and his jeans has a round hole and I ask if his toe got stuck there while he was putting the jeans on. I made fun of him, I was laughing so hard people passing by think I was crying. So everything, someone passes near us, I act like I was crying then they would give him the look like he caused it.

[ldrgirl000]

OP, by 4 months it's normal to be inside your significant other's home to have sex, cook, watch tv/movies together, sleep, eat, do laundry and such. Don't you find it odd that your boyfriend ignores all of your natural instincts and instead puts conditions on everything with you? Doesn't that set off your red flag alarm bells at all? It would for me. Don't you have any doubts or gut feelings nagging you about this man that make you second guess his intentions with you?

 

Also I'd like to add, I had a four year relationship with a guy who told me before we got together he was jealous and possessive, so that I could make my own mind up about being with him or not. I was so into him I went ahead anyway. He sure was jealous and possessive, I wasn't allowed to go swimming in case people saw me in a swimsuit, not allowed to wear a skirt in case somebody saw up it, wasn't allowed to see a male gynaecologist or doctor. I was with him for four years. Whenever I tried to challenge him he'd draw me back to 'but I TOLD you about this and you decided you could handle it and wanted to be together anyway'. Eventually I stopped challenging because he would make me feel so terrible and the relationship feel so rocky if I didn't obey that I was just desperate to keep the peace.

 

And to this day I don't really think he was nasty, or cruel. He was just a 19 year old kid like me who didn't really know how to handle deep insecurities. He would never have tried to suggest sex was mandatory. Not a fully-fledged grown man who sounds much more dangerous.

 

thanks for sharing.

 

We met yesterday, we went out to eat, drink then he took me back to his place.

I have to agree that he seems deeply insecure but I don't think he is creepy. Maybe he tries to act tough and dangerous, but when we were together he was really calm, he took things slowly, I felt really peaceful around him. I have been with my ex, who was a lot more aggressive and much less considering towards me.

He made out but didn't do it. He was gentle and didn't force me to do anything uncomfortable. Then he cuddled me and snuggled under my arms, really close to my armpit. He seems vulnerable like a kid. I don't know him well enough to understand why he has to act all tough and strong, try to seem mysterious.

 

Maybe my guy is a bit like your ex, he did say he wants to give me more time until I accept the fact that he is selfish and possessive.

 

A bit more detail about us, maybe it makes him seem nicer to you guys. When we were out, we went to a casual street food place, he joked with the waitress about the glass of water that she brought us. He was being silly and made the girl blush. He was very respectful and jokes that the glass was half filled and the water evaporated on the way up to the 2nd floor.

 

Then we just went seating on a public bench. As we both wore torn jeans, and his jeans has a suspiciously round hole, I ask if his toe got stuck there every time he put the jeans on. He just nodded, we joked about the jeans and I laughed so hard that people passing by thought I was crying. So everything, someone passes near us, I act like I was crying then they would give him the look like he caused it.

 

So later when we were at his place, we had a little game of putting jeans on really fast without having our toes stuck in the torn and ripped parts of the jeans.

 

Maybe it doesn't seem funny to u guys, but i think we are really silly and childish. And he is insecure and strange in a way, but i don't think he is a psycho. He never mentioned the duck boat again.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Sorry but none of this makes it any better. So he didn't actually force you into sex, he still told you you HAD to sleep with him if you went back to his place before. And he's still giving you time to 'accept' he's jealous and controlling before you get together. So, question is, do you see yourself happy in a relationship with somebody jealous, possessive and controlling? Are you ready to let go of your male friends? To adjust what you wear each day? To have to explain yourself? To focus your life on him at the expense of everything else you'd had going on while single?

 

I tell you, it's no fun crying on the way back from the gynaecologist because the woman you had asked to see was on holiday and faced with seeing a male gynae or having to wait another four months for an appointment in agony, you chose to see the Doctor. And then wondering how you're gonna explain that to your partner and how he's going to make you pay for it. Think carefully because once you're together, if you ever have an issue with his actions he will just say 'well I told you I was like this'.

[preraph]

Actually, he is good looking and charming, so it wouldn't be hard for him to get almost any girl he wants without the manipulation.

 

That's just the point. He wouldn't need to manipulate but he does it anyway, so he likes it and is a controlling creep.

[TAV]

That's just the point. He wouldn't need to manipulate but he does it anyway, so he likes it and is a controlling creep.

 

Being extremely charming, when they want to be, is actually a trait of any narcissist. They can pull the wool over your eyes like that.

 

I think the OP said somewhere that she feels lucky he 'picked' her since she is so average and he is so good looking and charming. I wonder who put that idea - that she is the 'chosen one' - into her head; her bf maybe?

[GemmaUK]

So, question is, do you see yourself happy in a relationship with somebody jealous, possessive and controlling? Are you ready to let go of your male friends? To adjust what you wear each day? To have to explain yourself? To focus your life on him at the expense of everything else you'd had going on while single?

 

 

On top of that which acrosstheuniverse posted here I want to point out a few more things that are likely to happen:

 

He will probably begin to alienate you from all of your friends (not just the male ones) and also from your family too.

These kind of guys like to alienate a person from any outside contact so that you have only them to rely upon.

 

You'll need to be checking in with him and telling him exactly what you are doing each moment of the day. Be aware that any hobbies or interests you have are likely not to be valid any longer and any free time you have becomes his by default.

 

He will also start putting you down using subtle comments based upon any slight insecurities you may have.

 

Talking to any male will cause a problem so that would have to stop (eg - always make sure you are served in shops by women, not by men). He will want to know details of whoever you speak to and what the conversation was about.

 

He will need passwords for all of your social media and any other accounts he knows of or finds out about.

 

A little later on he may very well also become violent. Any bruising you have will be covered most likely as you will have already had to adjust your clothing so as not to provoke any male attention.

 

Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury in women.

The FBI reports that 4 women are beaten to death by their partners every day.

 

 

 

The insecurity which you find so adorable is one of the main reasons that he is dominant. jealous and possessive.

He is also utterly charming to everyone including yourself but with you only initially and then intermittently (only when he has to basically) but he will always be charming to others.

Everyone will love him and by the time he is not so nice toward you no one would believe you anyway if you did tell them how he was treating you behind closed doors as he is seen by everyone as 'such a great guy'.

 

Sorry to be so blunt here but in my view finding a partner is one of the most important decisions we can make in life.

If I was looking to buy a new house and found a fabulous place, beautiful interior with a swimming pool, hot tub, 10 bedrooms and huge landscaped gardens going for a silly cheap price price then I would do some research into it - and probably find out it had been on the market for four years as it is smack bang next to the county lunatic asylum.....

 

 

 

So, what does he say about previous girlfriends?

Why did they split? How does he speak of them?