Is it possible that I love too strongly? How can that be??

[dreaming4ever]

I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately. My past ones and the one I'm in now and I realized something. With the 3 main guys I've dated in my life (meaning the only guys I've dated that really MEANT something to me and that left an impact)......I have ALWAYS been in a situation where I've loved them more than they've loved me. What's that about? With each one of them I loved them soooooo much.....and they loved me back but both of us could tell (each time) that I loved them more. Do you realize how much that hurts? To realize you don't mean as much to someone as they do to you? To feel your heart actually HURT because you love someone so much.....yet you also know they don't feel the same? I can tell you one thing....it's definitely one of the most painful feelings I've ever experienced.

 

Has anyone else experienced this before? Why is this a trend for me? Is there something wrong with me? Do I simply love people TOO strongly? And if so, what does that mean....how is it possible to love someone TOO MUCH? I don't get it...it makes no sense to me. All I know is that for ONCE I want someone to love me as much as I love them.....is that really too much to ask? Or could there possibly be something unloveable about me? I don't understand.....

 

I read this book called "Are you the one for me?" by Barbara DeAngelis and one thing she said was if you're in a love relationship where person A loves person B more than person B loves person A then it'll just simply never work out. It can't. She said the person who loves the other MORE will end up resenting their partner and will end up unhappy. That makes me so sad.....because I just don't get how it's a bad thing to love so deeply like I do....how can that possibly be a flaw? Hopefully some of you have answers....because I REALLY don't want this to keep happening to me... And I have a STRONG feeling that this is why my relationships never work out....

[dmac]

emotional energy and emotional needs are finite, there is a limit. If you discover a juicy secret or got some goss, you tell 1 person and the need to tell peopls about it is gone, the emotional energy is gone.

 

People give love in order to get love. I your boyfriend gets love, there is no longer a need to show love.

 

hold off with the lovin just a lil bit and he'll love you back.

[glitter_bug]

hello dreaming

 

I really can sympathise with your situation - this is from someone who is is also recovering from a break up where he decided he just didn't love me enough any more. I know this hurts HEAPS

 

However the kind of love you talk about sounds like more like need than love (although i'm sure you love him as well). Do you feel like you are dependant on seeing your partner and you need them in order to be happy? Maybe you find that after a while in a relationship your world seems to revolve around your SO, and your other interests/hobbies/friends that he doesn't share drop away?

 

I know in my last relationship, I became needy and clingy - i wanted to see my bf every day, and pined for him and missed him terribly if he went away for even a weekend. I'm sure this can't be terribly attractive to my boyfriend. Also when you break up your whole world feels like it has crumbled, as you depended on him to make yourself feel good/pretty/funny/wanted.

 

I'm now working on being a more confident and interesting person. Hopefully, if i have the ability to make myself happy, when I get into another relationship I wont be quite so dependant.

 

 

 

I know i have just rambled on about myself here - hopefully some of this might apply to you or give you some insight.

[d'Arthez]

I am sorry for the loss of your last relationship.

 

First of all love is not quantifiable. It is a quality, a state of being. Therefore it is ridiculous to say you love too much. However, you do make a point: if you love 'more', it is probably true that you have looked after every whim of your bfs. And I mean every whim. That is not necessary for being in love. It smacks of insecurity. You do everything in your power not to lose him, and give up your own life, in your attempts to accomplish that. You lose him, because you give up your own life.

 

Second of all, it is not necessary to be in a relationship with someone with whom you share mutual love. True friends, although a rare occurance, love you for who you are with all your flaws. They'll be there for you when you are down, they are there when you are up. And you reciprocate. This can even be true of friends of the opposite sex.

 

Third of all, and this is not necessarily the case with you, you might confuse love with lust. Sometimes people are very much attracted to another person for the wrong reasons. Even though some of these relationships can be fun, they almost never work out. Consider a succesful college student with an IQ of say 140. She might date some hunk with an IQ of 80, and even though the sex can be satisfying for the both of them, their conversations will no doubt leave much to be desired for either of them. Sexually people can be highly compatible, but otherwise it might not be the case. Also think of different world views, widely differing political opinions, views on morality et cetera.

 

Fourth of all, love is a productive state. I don't mean the sexual part of a relationship, but the emotional (spiritual) part of a relationship. You don't want the other person to keep the same. You want the other to develop himself. If he has a creative streak, let him try painting if he wants to. If he wants to try skydiving, let him try that. Of course one should never be blind about the practicalities (money), but the absolute prioritizing of efficiency or cost-efficiency is detrimental to love. It is a quite common occurance though. You are probably well aware of the way some families function, as if they were a small military unit.

 

Fifth, contrary to popular beliefs love is not a game. A lot of games are played to gain 'love.' If you have to feign intelligence to get a bf, he is going to find out. Given your complaint, you did not consider love a game. Maybe you were extremely needy in your past relationships, or satisfying every whim of your bfs. Insecurity, lack of communication skills (not only on your part, but on part of your bfs also), to name but a few possible causes.

 

Sixth, love is never easy.

 

"For one human being to love another human being: That is perhaps the most difficult task that has been entrusted to us, the ultimate task." - Rainer Maria Rilke

[hyjacked]

Pretty smart of you to look objectively at yourself and see your life patterns. Just how many of us don't do that and repeat the same thing that doesn't work over and over for an entire lifetime?

 

Yes I was guilty of loving my 1st wife more than she knew how to love me. I in a lot of sense put her on a pedestal. It does suck not to be loved as much as you put out to another person. It couldn't work and it didn't work. It was miserable as you have felt. I later remarried to my best friend. Same senerio shortly after. I knew this was going to get "not good" real quick. I had her on a pedestal too. She was quite honest about it. It scared her, it was overwhelming to her.

(It was once suggested by a smart person that people you place on a pedestal will eventually fall on you. )

 

What I did was backed off somewhat and gave her some breathing room so to speak. Evidently that was the key for us because she was able to get comfortable and we have bonded so very close over the following couple of yrs. Next month will be 7 yrs now.

 

I don't understand either why were taught and vow to love with all your heart, soul and mind and then it scares the hell out of your significant other. Nope it doesn't make sense. My wife now says she doesn't make sense and she had "issues."

[Hep]

Maybe you need to try and find a good "christian man". Some might laught at me, but I don't care. Most men my age (24) just want to go out to bars, have a lot of girls, strip clubs. ect... I felt like I was weird b/c I wasn't interested in men like that... I am now with a wonderful man that fills all the voids... Like your feeling.