onoff Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 Hey all, I lurked on these forums before, but this is the first time I am posting on this website. I want to share my story and experience and get some feedback if I could. I was dating a girl for a little more than 2.5 years (with 1.5 years of that being a serious boyfriend/girlfriend relationship). We were both 18-19 when we started talking to each other. We had our ups and downs, overall it was a decent relationship. We had some minor "break ups" that lasted 1-2 days but overall even if things were bad, we tried to work on it. I liked her because I felt she was genuine, pleasant and caring. I enjoyed her company more than others. We both had our flaws (that we admitted were flaws). She is a lousy communicator and often resorts to text messages to make certain points across because she is unable to speak her mind in person. In that latter part of the relationship, I felt she became more indecisive and fickle about certain matters too. On the other hand, I tend to get angry quickly and it is hard for me to forgive things. I don't let go of things that hurt me quickly. There are also times when I could be stubborn or pushy. We broke up due to communication break down. It was her fault, I got upset at her, but I pushed her too far to the point where she decided to break up with me a few days later. She claimed she still liked me, that she doesn't deserve me - but she can no longer put the same effort she did before. In the beginning I felt that she had stronger feelings towards me than I did to her. But as time went on, my feelings for her grew. Post-break up, I felt that I had stronger feelings and it was hard for me to let go. We broke up in January 2013. For the first month we continued to talk here and there. But she was clear she did not want to go back into a relationship. That hurt me and things did not go anywhere. Throughout the year, we would have some "on and off" moments, but we could not talk for more than 4-5 days. We always end up having a fight or disagreement and we would decide not to talk to each other. Those NC moments lasted 1-2 months. One of us would break the ice (60% of the time its me, 40% of the time its her). Everytime, I say to myself I won't message her anymore, she would eventually message me. We would meet up, catch up, make out and do other things. We both said hurtful words to each other. We both blocked and unblocked each other off different social media and messaging platforms. We both told each other we never want to see or hear from each other. We both said we hated each other at different points in time. There was one moment where she met a guy at a party and claimed that guy made her feel something I never made her feel before (they only went on one date!). Those words hurt me. She later claimed she said that because she was mad at me and she wanted to push me away. Ironically, she claimed she was hurt and jealous at a point where I wanted to focus on talking to another girl. During this time, I know what I wanted from her. I wanted her company and I wanted to have a romantic and/or sexual relationship with her. Althrough, she enjoyed my company - she neither wanted a relationship or a friends with benefits relationship. It was unclear what she wanted when she would message me during this post-relationship phase. Her indecisiveness, fickleness and confusion gets me upset and that sometimes pushes her away. Furthermore, I still am unable to let go of past problems and things just became worse with new fights. During some of the NC phases, I put some effort to talk to other girls. I met a few girls and I went on many dates. But it wasn't the same. At best, they were moments where I could forget about my ex for short while. I was unable to connect with other girls the way I connected with my ex. Sometimes, it is me not putting the effort. Other times it was the girls who did not put that effort. By December of 2013, I told her I still liked her and I continue to think about her. She brushed me off and told me not to message her again. I didn't and focused on myself. I thought of her almost every day, I missed her - but I did not have a desire to message her. Then in May 2014 she messaged me. She wanted to see how I was doing and she wanted to apologize for behaving rudely in the past. We talked in text and I asked her if she wanted to meet up. We ended up meeting and caught up after nearly half a year (or longest NC gap). I felt she was growing as a person and had more things happening in her life than me. After we finished catching up, things got weird. We both wanted to spend time but we did not know what to do. I tried to make a move and kiss her - we kissed - but it felt weird. It wasn't the same as before. Shortly after she left and we said our byes. We talked for a few days through text message. She didn't tell me in person, but she told me later through text message that she was talking to another guy for a few months. She claimed it wasn't serious and they just went on activity dates. She claimed it ended because he asked her to be his girlfriend and she rejected his offer. She asked me if it is a good idea if we should be talking (she messaged me). She said she only wants to be friends. I said I don't want to be just friends with her as that would ruin what we had. She said we won't just be friends because of our past. I told her we should talk and see where things go. We talked for a few days through text (a lot of texting) and decided we would meet again the week after. But she again asked me if its a good idea to keep talking. She claims that if we continue to talk it might ruin what we had. She was also afraid of catching feelings for me again. (What does this even mean?). I got a little annoyed and told her to leave me alone out of impulse. She later assumed we weren't meeting next week and then said she has mixed feelings. At this point, I got upset and lashed out through text. In more than one occasion, I pointed out that it was ironic that she came to apologize for the past, yet left things at a worse state. Next morning I called to apologize. We talked for half an hour (I was talking she was just listening) but no success. I tried texting her a couple of times, but she gave me cold answers. When I'm upset or hurt, I tend to text long paragraphs (which might push her away?). After letting it cool down for a couple of weeks, I messaged her again asking to meet up and to talk. I wanted to smooth things out after that weird interaction. She asked me questions why and was sceptical. She said she is tired of talking about the past. I told her to trust me. I pointed out that she said she cared about what we had, so we should meet and talk about some things. At first she agreed to meet. Then she kept pushing the date away saying she is busy. That after messaging her again she claimed she doesn't want to meet. I pointed out that she is a liar and that if she respected me she would have seen me (maybe that was being manipulative?). Anyways, that last interaction was almost a month ago. I still feel lost and confused without her. I think of her daily. We broke up for silly reasons and I keep replaying it to see what I could have done differently. I don't know if she has any feelings for me or she messaged me out of boredom or whatnot. I feel I already talked to death about this girl to my friends (both guys and girls). I even told my situation to a councillor last year (who advised me not to reply to her if she messages me because that would be to pick a wound).
Chi townD Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 Sorry to tell you this dude. But, she's moved on with someone else. This dude that she went on activity dates with? He's still in the picture. When she brought him up to you, she told you in a way that wouldn't make her seem so bad to you. The fact that she rejected him as her boyfriend doesn't mean they've stopped going out. SO, while you've been stuck arguing with her over text and phone, she's been going out and enjoying her life. Isn't about time you start doing the same?
Author onoff Posted August 4, 2014 Author Posted August 4, 2014 I have went out and talked to other girls. I have went on many dates. Right now I don't feel like actively pursuing another girl. As for my ex, I honestly believe she is not involved with this guy at the moment. After she rejected him they slowly cut ties and this was at least a month before she messaged me. She claimed she was interested in him but she did not spend enough time to develop feelings for him. I believe her. The way she spoke to me, seemed like she still cared about what we had. I am curious of what her intentions of messaging me were. Should I even care what her intentions are?
BroknHrt Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 I have went out and talked to other girls. I have went on many dates. Right now I don't feel like actively pursuing another girl. As for my ex, I honestly believe she is not involved with this guy at the moment. After she rejected him they slowly cut ties and this was at least a month before she messaged me. She claimed she was interested in him but she did not spend enough time to develop feelings for him. I believe her. The way she spoke to me, seemed like she still cared about what we had. I am curious of what her intentions of messaging me were. Should I even care what her intentions are? I can see you following down the same trail I found myself 6 months ago and I sure as hell don't want someone else to experience the same feelings I had. These are the facts: She mentioned someone else being interested in her. You brought up a relationship. She said she wants to be friends. She is afraid to have feelings for you again. Do you know what this all leads to and means? She doesn't want a relationship with you. I'm sorry OP but that is the truth. She does care for you and what y'all used to have. But over a year and a half has passed since y'all were together. I think you are being too naive about this other guy. You have no reason to blindly trust her because y'all are NOT together. Think of it this way, if you are single and talking to another woman and she tells you that their is another guy on the table that she has been hanging out with and talking to, would you want anything to do with that girl? The answer is no. She is playing mind games with you and if you send her more long text messages it will continue to push her away. This has the potential to end in a nasty way and you are leaving yourself vulnerable. You don't want to be hurt. The ONLY option is No-Contact. Do not respond to any of her breadcrumbs because she has made it clear she is not ready for a relationship.
lovebug_5858 Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 I know a lot of people are going to give you the basic advie of going NC for good and moving on and whatnot. And yeah maybe you should do that but your story tugs at my heart because it is so similar to mine. It just seems so stupid when you think of it all. "Why did we let such small things get in the way?" "Why did we drift apart?" "Why didn't I go the extra mile before it was all too late..?" I mean, it's just really difficult. My ex and I are going through our longest and most realistic NC right now and it hurts like hell. I don't think there is any advice in situations like this honestly. She still thinks of you and I'm sure she still cares in some way, but right now it's not enough to make her want to come back. Let her go, and try your hardest to honestly leave her alone. It hurts and I'm sure you know this, but it makes nothing to have them by your side and still feel so empty when they don't reciprocate your intentions. Good luck! And we're here for you. I'm 2 months in to NC with a blip in the road and I'm still looking into this forum for support.
Author onoff Posted August 4, 2014 Author Posted August 4, 2014 The ONLY option is No-Contact. Do not respond to any of her breadcrumbs because she has made it clear she is not ready for a relationship. Yup, I haven't contacted her in almost a month after she gave me a clear answer she did not want to meet. She feels I do not let go of the past and I am a negative person, but it is hard not to let go of the past when the same problems occur. I thought after six months of no contact we may be able to communicate better. At this moment, I have no intention of contacting her. I don't know how to react if she messages me. I may just have to read it and ignore it. EVEN if she comes messaging me months later wanting a relationship, I would be skeptical of her reasons and intentions. She would to prove a lot to me before anything happens. I know a lot of people are going to give you the basic advie of going NC for good and moving on and whatnot. And yeah maybe you should do that but your story tugs at my heart because it is so similar to mine. It just seems so stupid when you think of it all. "Why did we let such small things get in the way?" "Why did we drift apart?" "Why didn't I go the extra mile before it was all too late..?" I mean, it's just really difficult. My ex and I are going through our longest and most realistic NC right now and it hurts like hell. I don't think there is any advice in situations like this honestly. She still thinks of you and I'm sure she still cares in some way, but right now it's not enough to make her want to come back. Let her go, and try your hardest to honestly leave her alone. It hurts and I'm sure you know this, but it makes nothing to have them by your side and still feel so empty when they don't reciprocate your intentions. Good luck! And we're here for you. I'm 2 months in to NC with a blip in the road and I'm still looking into this forum for support. Thanks for that comment. It does seem like our story have a common theme. When we did meet up in May, she did admit that she occasionally goes on my Facebook profile (we deleted each other). She admitted she has the gifts, letters and cards I gave her. That was a little consolation for me. That my memories are still present in her room and her mind. Of course, I also understand that I am part of her past and not her present. Take it from me, I had a six month No Contact period with my ex. I was at a point where I was too stubborn to message her and I thought I wouldn't hear from her for years. When you feel that way, you got no choice but to look forward. There were moments where it hurt and I missed her a lot. I also felt I was romanticizing the relationship a bit too much. But more often that not, I felt okay as time went on. Consider each month of No Contact a personal victory!
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