What would you do? (Online dating horror story)

[Butterflying]

I've been using dating sites to meet guys for over 3 years off & on. It has NEVER worked for me in my city. Usually I end up meeting someone at work, but that's always a long distance relationship.

 

So two weeks ago I joined Match, a paid site, since OK Cupid & other free sites are crawling with "catfish." I got several messages from men on the free sites. But none of them wanted to meet in person. In a year, I only met 3 guys from the site. And had ongoing messaging with about 20.

 

Now on Match, it has only been a week since I joined. Two guys have been willing to meet in person.

 

The first guy: we didn't actually meet because he lives in a rural area 30 minutes outside of the city. He's 35 years old. And claims to rarely go into the city. He got lost trying to find the restaurant we agreed to meet at. I was willing to go get him. But he was unable to tell me where he was. Like he didn't know how to look a street signs or surrounding places. He just freaked out & kept repeating "I'm lost. I don't know where I am." The next day he called to apologize for ruining our plans. The only way we can meet is if I come to his house since I'm better with directions. He doesn't have a GPS.

 

The second guy: we met. He is attractive & seems to have a lot of the moral characteristics that I'm looking for. But his lips were covered with fever blisters & cold sores. He asked me questions about rather I enjoy kissing & cuddling. I actually do enjoy these things very much. But I would never kiss him. It's like he was totally oblivious to those sores on his mouth. I didn't mention them. We still had a good conversation otherwise. He's 46 years old, never married, no children. But he wants these things. Just hasn't met the right girl. Today he has invited me out again. I can't get the image of his mouth out of my head. Should I ignore him? Should I date him? How can I deal with the sores?

[Gaeta]

 

The first guy: we didn't actually meet because he lives in a rural area 30 minutes outside of the city. He's 35 years old. And claims to rarely go into the city. He got lost trying to find the restaurant we agreed to meet at. I was willing to go get him. But he was unable to tell me where he was. Like he didn't know how to look a street signs or surrounding places. He just freaked out & kept repeating "I'm lost. I don't know where I am." The next day he called to apologize for ruining our plans. The only way we can meet is if I come to his house since I'm better with directions. He doesn't have a GPS.

 

That is a definite NO.

 

The second guy: we met. He is attractive & seems to have a lot of the moral characteristics that I'm looking for. But his lips were covered with fever blisters & cold sores. He asked me questions about rather I enjoy kissing & cuddling. I actually do enjoy these things very much. But I would never kiss him. It's like he was totally oblivious to those sores on his mouth. I didn't mention them. We still had a good conversation otherwise. He's 46 years old, never married, no children. But he wants these things. Just hasn't met the right girl. Today he has invited me out again. I can't get the image of his mouth out of my head. Should I ignore him? Should I date him? How can I deal with the sores?

 

I would have a conversation with him concerning his hsv-1. I would ask him if he's aware he has herpes type 1. I would also ask him how he is treating it. At 46 it's not normal to have cold sores. By his age his immune system should have gotten this virus under control and keep it dormant. He must have a weak immune system, if it's the case then he needs to take 500mg of valtrex per day, which will keep his virus under control and lower risk of transmission as low as under 1%. Then you pretty much have nothing to worry about. Please note 40% of new genital herpes are from oral sex, cold sores on mouth being transmitted to genital.

 

I would be extremely open about this. There is no 'I am shy to talk about this'.

[Gaeta]

I would like to add OP that you probably also have hsv-1 as by the time we reach our 40s 80% of the population carry this virus. Most people will never have symptoms, this poor guy just does. It's nothing to be ashamed of. You just need to be smart about it.

[Zahara]

The first guy: we didn't actually meet because he lives in a rural area 30 minutes outside of the city. He's 35 years old. And claims to rarely go into the city. He got lost trying to find the restaurant we agreed to meet at. I was willing to go get him. But he was unable to tell me where he was. Like he didn't know how to look a street signs or surrounding places. He just freaked out & kept repeating "I'm lost. I don't know where I am." The next day he called to apologize for ruining our plans. The only way we can meet is if I come to his house since I'm better with directions. He doesn't have a GPS.

 

No. You can still print directions off the internet. I sometimes do it as back-up when Google Maps on my phone is acting up.

 

The second guy: we met. He is attractive & seems to have a lot of the moral characteristics that I'm looking for. But his lips were covered with fever blisters & cold sores. He asked me questions about rather I enjoy kissing & cuddling. I actually do enjoy these things very much. But I would never kiss him. It's like he was totally oblivious to those sores on his mouth. I didn't mention them. We still had a good conversation otherwise. He's 46 years old, never married, no children. But he wants these things. Just hasn't met the right girl. Today he has invited me out again. I can't get the image of his mouth out of my head. Should I ignore him? Should I date him? How can I deal with the sores?

 

Echoing what Gaeta mentioned, specifically -- Please note 40% of new genital herpes are from oral sex, cold sores on mouth being transmitted to genital.

 

Something to think about.

 

I would suggest you keep your options open and just keep on dating. There is no need to latch on to the first two guys you meet on a dating site and limit yourself to these two "prospects".

[Butterflying]

I understand. There is a third guy who--after discovering that we both like hiking--asked me when would I like to meet. I told him "sometime during the weekend." Then he apologized & said he works weekends. But he will let me know if he's ever "available" to do some of the things we have talked about. In the meantime he wants to know where I live, where I work, where I hang out, how I spend my days.... every day. Why did he give me an option to choose when we meet & then have an excuse without telling me a specific alternate time to meet? Seems like he just wants a pen pal. And then I feel pushy for wanting to meet in person before sharing all that personal info.

[O'Malley]

Guy one is absolutely full of it. He's heard of maps and online directions, and he's apparently able to drive himself to work and to the grocery store (or, at least, one would hope). Even without GPS, it's not that difficult to arrange and follow through on a meet up at a well known public place. Avoid dating anyone who suggests that you come to his house as the initial meet up or early on in getting acquainted.

 

You're already turned off by the other man's sores and blisters, which is going to dampen your enthusiasm for him overall. He brought up kissing, but if he does have an STD, he needs to be honest and upfront about it.

 

It's only been a week, just continue to filter out guys who won't commit to a public meet up or appear to be lying by omission.

[BlueIris]

Are you contacting men? When I did OLD, the best matches were the men that I picked and contacted first.

[Zahara]

I understand. There is a third guy who--after discovering that we both like hiking--asked me when would I like to meet. I told him "sometime during the weekend." Then he apologized & said he works weekends. But he will let me know if he's ever "available" to do some of the things we have talked about. In the meantime he wants to know where I live, where I work, where I hang out, how I spend my days.... every day. Why did he give me an option to choose when we meet & then have an excuse without telling me a specific alternate time to meet? Seems like he just wants a pen pal. And then I feel pushy for wanting to meet in person before sharing all that personal info.

 

OP, you're going to meet all sorts of characters when you online date. It's no easy task. You're going to meet some really nice men and then across the spectrum, some really mind playing clowns. Most times you have to let it all slide off, don't take it personally, limit your expectations and keep it realistic. Whether a paying or non-paying site, I've found that the pool of men doesn't differ much.

 

Advice I've always gotten was to just go out and date and use it as a tool to just meet people versus the sole intent and focus on finding the one. When you do the latter and have those expectations, you end up being disappointed because it's going to take patience, time and effort to date and actually find someone that does it for you.

[deathandtaxes]

The 'lost' guy? What a sad sack. He has enough sense to use online dating site but gets lost going into a city? Jeez. If that's the level of his intelligence, I'd pass on somebody like that. Wow.

 

 

Cold sores guy? Cold sores suck. My ex-wife had them. They'd flare up when she would get very stressful in life. I would take precautions with her. Don't kiss her when she has sore, etc. I have never had a break out, and I first met her 16 years ago.

 

 

Third guy? Him not offering a specific time is just lame and shows a lack of interest.

 

 

NEXT!!

[longjohn]

First of all congratulations on actually having someone agree to meet from Match. I was on the site for a good 6 months and met one lady in the entire time. I had lots of women show an interest and none ever respond back. I fear it was a bit of a scam. OKC was very different, lots of women to talk to and lots willing to meet for coffee. POF was to be honest scary, there were some very nice ladies on there but a lot of no so nice ladies too.

 

As a man, when going on a fist date, even a meet up for coffee. I'll let the lady choose the place and have her give me the address. I'll then Google Map it, I'll street view it. I'll put the address in my phone, I'll put it in my SatNav (GPS) I will no matter what make that date. If I'm late or lost I'll phone to explain so. Failure to arrive in my mind is just failure and that isn't an option if your seriously looking to meet someone. I never ask too personal questions before a date. I'll get a full name and phone number, what field they work in and exchange similar information. I wouldn't ever give out too much information early on.

 

If I where you I'd poke/prod at these guys a bit more. Get more information on them, your the female you command the attention, use it and take control. If I where you I'd use that to get exactly what you want, how you want from the guy you want.

[Gaeta]

I understand. There is a third guy who--after discovering that we both like hiking--asked me when would I like to meet. I told him "sometime during the weekend." Then he apologized & said he works weekends. But he will let me know if he's ever "available" to do some of the things we have talked about. In the meantime he wants to know where I live, where I work, where I hang out, how I spend my days.... every day. Why did he give me an option to choose when we meet & then have an excuse without telling me a specific alternate time to meet? Seems like he just wants a pen pal. And then I feel pushy for wanting to meet in person before sharing all that personal info.

 

That is insane, drop him already.

 

Match is full of fake profiles and scammers. I was on it for 1 month and only got scammers emailing me. Ok cupid is better and believe it or not POF has less scammers than Match.

 

Do not give any personal information while online like where you live or work.

 

'I will let you know' is not acceptable, you move to next. Online is a mean to make contact to go out there and meet face to face. Don't waste time with those who want to get to know you online, they have something to hide.

 

A man that is on a dating site to meet a lady will make time to meet you within the first week you have a contact with him.

 

Get out of match.

[Butterflying]

Gaeta it feels like you're reading my mind! Lol.

This is exactly why I use dating sites: in order to be introduced to people I can meet in real life. I simply don't understand why anyone would spend days, weeks, or months talking to someone without ever meeting.

 

I commend "cold sore" guy for being brave & serious enough to meet for drinks. He even picked up the tab without any dicission (I ordered a beer. He order a soda pop). He asked questions about the taste of the beer because he had never tried the particular one I ordered. I described it as best I could. Normally I would have offered him a sip from my glass to try it for himself. But considering his sores... I just changed the subject.

[aprilisi]

I know a guy like number one, horrible at directions, even with google maps and he doesn't use his GPS because it got him lost twice.. He said one time it told him to turn left and it was a dead end street, so it's possible. Romannntic relationship didn't work out but we started a business relationship, have been working with him for months. Don't go to his house though.

 

Number two I'm sure he has HSV1, but as previouly mentioned, it could be the sexually submitted genital herpes though

[HappyLove]

First guy sounds like the killer.

 

Second guy you're turned off so move on.

 

Third guy is full of it.

[jay1983]

This is some terrible luck. Just start sending out messages to the guys you like.

[Gaeta]

I commend "cold sore" guy for being brave & serious enough to meet for drinks. He even picked up the tab without any dicission (I ordered a beer. He order a soda pop). He asked questions about the taste of the beer because he had never tried the particular one I ordered. I described it as best I could. Normally I would have offered him a sip from my glass to try it for himself. But considering his sores... I just changed the subject.

 

I have a feeling you liked this guy. Did he contact you since?

[Dork Vader]

Okay so I'm going to post this on here for the first time.

 

I just recently got HSV-2 from a now ex girl friend. When I found out I was devastated. That said.. I've done a ton of reading about HSV-1 and HSV-2.

 

Both are insanely common. You've likely dated a person who had had HsV-1 at some point.

 

Here is the deal.. Herpes while it is very contagious.. You can only get it when it is active in his system. Now what would concern me is why is his outbreak so bad? Mine was not really that bad and as soon as it showed up I got on valtrex. With in 5 days things were starting to heal. With in a week it was entirely gone.. I've not had another outbreak since and it has been about 2 months.

 

I asked my doctor about long term care and she told me.. It really depends on the person.. Some people fet it once or twice and it never shows up again.. Others get constant out breaks.

 

You can have a "normal" relationship with this man. If you are careful you'll never get it.

 

If you are interested in the guy. Give it a chance.. You'll likely want and need him to have STD testing done at some point. You'll also want to avoid physical contact with him until you can decide whether or not he is worth it.

 

You can get to know this man with out kissing and being physical. But you CAN if you really want too.. Have a relationship with him and NOT get HSV-1 from him.

 

But you have to decide what you are capable of and want. I would approach this man with caution. But not throw him under the bus yet.. He could have very well been in a similar situation as me. But as I said use caution!! Really get to know him.. Suggest he go on valtrex to really put it in remission befor kissing him. Read up on HSV-1 and HSV-2 and weigh your options and what you're willing to do.

[aprilisi]

I have the sexually transmitted kind. We used a condom, no sign of an outbreak on him at alll. Contracted it on my bday in April, happy birthday to me.

 

Then the fevers started and the aching. It was misery, hurt so bad. Had to literally keep my hand over my mouth cause I couldn't help but scream during urination. I didn't break out except for a few tiny bumps in my vagina. They looked like whitehead bumps but were painful.

 

I went through the treatment and have been symptom free for over 3 months. I hope never to go through that again. Just trying to live my life.

 

I agree, he shouldn't be having a breakout like that, I took the generic, 4 times a day for two weeks before it cleared up. Costs 17 a month through my local walmart. Not taking it currently but twice a day.

 

Just be careful, I learned the hard way that not even a condom can stop the spread

[FitChick]

I think the first guy had a new excuse for making a woman come to his house. He knows the "stop by and watch a DVD" excuse won't work on women any more. However, he is clueless enough to not know that women like a capable man. If he can't even read a map, he looks like a loser.

 

Or maybe he is agoraphobic.

 

Funny stories though!

[preraph]

If you think you might really like the guy with the sores, I like Dork Vader's ideas very much. You could go out a couple of times, but tell him you do not have Herpes 1 or 2 that you know of and that you will go get tested (since it can be dormant) and take him with you to treat his lip sores. Sometimes guys of a certain age without a woman let themselves get run down physically and don't even think about it. He gets defensive, tell him you realize most people have Herpes 1 since childhood, which is true, but that so far you don't and no kissing until it's cleared up.

[gaius]

I would tell the plane that transported the Ebola patients to come get the guy with the sores and forget about the bad direction guy. I guess you just have to keep looking at this point. I'm sure someone suitable will pop up eventually.

[Dork Vader]

This is not actually true. Sores on the mouth can indicate either HSV-1 or HSV-2. The HSV-2 is the more serious one with more serious outbreaks. Both can be transmitted both orally and genitally, or from genitals to mouth. Although most of the population has HSV-1 (the more mild version of HSV), 20% of the population has HSV-2. Both forms of herpes can be transmitted, even when there are no active sores on the body or the mouth, so waiting until the outbreak is over is not going to prevent you from catching it. Also, condoms are not going to prevent its transmission, since the virus can spread from areas that are not covered by a condom. This guy likely has the more serious HSV-2 if his mouth has all those sores, and you will likely contract it if you have intimate contact with him, even after the sores go dormant.

 

This is exactly what my doctor told me. When I found out I freaked out and started to cry. I had just touched the sores and with out washing my hands was rubbing my face lips and eyes. If it was going to come up orally it would have. I asked my doctor about it and they said it was extremely rare for HSV-2 to migrate to the face but it is possible. If it does to come back in.

 

 

My doctor also told me that while there might not be blisters HSV-2 could still be active in my system. But that so long as it is in remission when I have sex the transmission risk is fairly low.

 

 

She also said it would be possible for me to have a relationship with a woman that does not have it and me not transmit it to her if we are careful. Use condoms and so on...

 

 

All I was trying to point out is that she could have a relationship with this man if she really wants too.

 

 

I know numerous people with HSV-1 and their oral outbreaks are/were far worse then what I experienced. I had 1 lesion for certain and possibly 2 other small ones but I'm unsure if they were or were not.

 

 

If she thinks the man could be a stand up guy. Give it a chance and get to know him with out physical intimacy or contact. Do not share drinks or food with him and use caution. Before you get physical with him make sure he is someone you want to be with and make sure you are willing to expose yourself to it.

 

 

HSV-1/HSV-2 is not going to kill you.

 

 

Even before I had herpes I would have been open to dating women with HSV 1 or 2. If there is love there I'll take the love and deal with herpes.

[Gaeta]

This is exactly what my doctor told me. When I found out I freaked out and started to cry. I had just touched the sores and with out washing my hands was rubbing my face lips and eyes. If it was going to come up orally it would have. I asked my doctor about it and they said it was extremely rare for HSV-2 to migrate to the face but it is possible. If it does to come back in.

 

Kathy,

 

This is true. HSV-2 does not migrate above the waist. Theoretically it could but there are NO medical cases registered of HSV-2 on mouth. Also literature says if EVER hsv-2 would end up on the mouth it would be because the person has a very weak immune system like someone HIV positive. Again it's theory not practice because NO case of hsv-2 on mouth have been medically recorded. This information was confirmed to me also by my doctor, I too have hsv-2. I am asymptomatic, meaning I have never had an outbreak but I carry the virus. I take 500mg Valtrex per day to protect my partner. I have had it for 3 years, had several partners, and never infected any. I would say 90% of men I meet don't care at all I have this.

 

80% of the population by the time they reach 40 have hsv-1 on mouth. It's NO big deal you just need to understand it and control it.

 

Hsv doesn't kill, doesn't put you in a wheelchair, doesn't handicap you in any way, does not prevent you from living a full long life. It's the same virus as chicken pox.

[Gaeta]

This is not actually true. Sores on the mouth can indicate either HSV-1 or HSV-2. The HSV-2 is the more serious one with more serious outbreaks. Both can be transmitted both orally and genitally, or from genitals to mouth. Although most of the population has HSV-1 (the more mild version of HSV), 20% of the population has HSV-2. Both forms of herpes can be transmitted, even when there are no active sores on the body or the mouth, so waiting until the outbreak is over is not going to prevent you from catching it. Also, condoms are not going to prevent its transmission, since the virus can spread from areas that are not covered by a condom. This guy likely has the more serious HSV-2 if his mouth has all those sores, and you will likely contract it if you have intimate contact with him, even after the sores go dormant.

 

I might as well correct the rest of your post

 

For a person with outbreaks they are contagious 7 days before the outbreak, through the outbreak, and 7 days following the outbreak. That is without valtrex.

 

For a person like me with no outbreak ever, I am contagious 4 to 8 days in a year during a period we call shedding. It's impossible to identify this 4 to 8 days so that is why we take Valtrex each day which lower the chances of contagion to .05% to nothing when ever these 4-8 days arrive.

 

If you catch hsv-2 first then you are immune to hsv-1. Lucky me I caught hsv-2 first so no chance I get the other one.

 

If you catch hsv-1 first then yes you can get hsv-2. But, If you have hsv-1 you are naturally immune to hsv-2 at 40%.

 

If you are a woman you have 30% less chances of transmitting it to your partner.

 

Interesting little virus isn't it.

[Butterflying]

All of this info about herpes is very helpful. Thanks to all of you!! Someone asked if I send messages to guys I like. Yes I do. Out of around 20 or 30, only 1 replied. That was guy #1 who didn't have directions. A few of the other guys "wink" & view my page often but never reply. I can suppose they don't have paid access since it's free to wink & view. But I'm not sure.

 

Guy #2, the herpes guy initiated communication. We have a lot in common. He actually called me yesterday to see if I have plans for the weekend. We have arranged a second date. This one will be more official with dinner included.

 

Guy #3 initiated communication too. But he hasn't given me any reason to believe we will ever meet in person. And judging by his photos, he's not too attractive anyways!! Lol Guy #2 is attractive once you eliminate the mouth blisters. Hopefully it will clear up before I see him again.

Edited August 6, 2014 by Butterflying