ThursdayChild Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 Hi everyone I was wondering if it is ever OK to seek revenge on people...like say someone is rude to you or no longer wants to be your friend. I know this might sound strange but sometimes I really want to get back at people who have hurt my feelings and I have in the past. For example, one friend said rude things to me so I forwarded emails to a mutual friend that she was complaining about in the past. Is there ever a situation where this is ok? Or does this only hurt me and make me look bad? I am also a parent....would this honestly be teaching my kids wrongly? Thanks everyone. I ask because I am truly trying to reflect on my behavior.
AnneT1985 Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 Honestly if one of my friends complained about me in the past and you informed me with no other intention than to cause hurt YOU would be the one I'd drop as a friend, NOT her- because I'd think...what else are you capable of? I believe as an adult it is never ok to seek revenge and as a parent it's worse. Do you really want your kids following that example? Just my 2 cents. Best of luck to you!
d0nnivain Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 There's an old proverb. If you want revenge, first dig 2 graves. Yes, you will be teaching your kids the wrong thing. I learned to overcome my desire for revenge by day dreaming about bad things to the other person who hurt me but never acting on them. I also don't wish death or injury but petty annoyances: they miss elevators, the phone rings as they get in the tub; they can't find a parking space at the mall etc. It's silly but I feel better. 3
whichwayisup Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 Hi everyone I was wondering if it is ever OK to seek revenge on people...like say someone is rude to you or no longer wants to be your friend. I know this might sound strange but sometimes I really want to get back at people who have hurt my feelings and I have in the past. For example, one friend said rude things to me so I forwarded emails to a mutual friend that she was complaining about in the past. Is there ever a situation where this is ok? Or does this only hurt me and make me look bad? I am also a parent....would this honestly be teaching my kids wrongly? Thanks everyone. I ask because I am truly trying to reflect on my behavior. If a friend wants out of your life, let them go. No revenge, nothing. Revenge is okay to think about but don't actually do it. Since you have a child, even more so to just let go and move on. Don't waste ANY energy, good or bad on someone who wants to walk out of your life.
GorillaTheater Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 I'd probably consider myself to be a vengeful person. If you put the screws to me, I'd look forward to returning the favor. But not for something like this. If they don't want to be your friend anymore, then both of you are better off. What is there to seek revenge FOR, exactly? 5
amaysngrace Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 I don't think there is anything wrong with standing up for yourself. I'm not a toilet so don't crap on me. I tried to teach my kids the same thing and they're not psycho about getting revenge, as you put it. They choose their battles and I think it's perfectly fine to be assertive if someone is trying to bring you down. Better them than me. 2
Eau Claire Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 Hi everyone I was wondering if it is ever OK to seek revenge on people...like say someone is rude to you or no longer wants to be your friend. I know this might sound strange but sometimes I really want to get back at people who have hurt my feelings and I have in the past. For example, one friend said rude things to me so I forwarded emails to a mutual friend that she was complaining about in the past. Is there ever a situation where this is ok? Or does this only hurt me and make me look bad? I am also a parent....would this honestly be teaching my kids wrongly? Thanks everyone. I ask because I am truly trying to reflect on my behavior. Yes, it makes you look bad. Really bad. You lose all your integrity. We all have feelings. Being a well adjusted adult means knowing when and how it is worth acting on those feelings. Being a bad example for your children is not being a good mother. 1
Author ThursdayChild Posted August 4, 2014 Author Posted August 4, 2014 I'd probably consider myself to be a vengeful person. If you put the screws to me, I'd look forward to returning the favor. But not for something like this. If they don't want to be your friend anymore, then both of you are better off. What is there to seek revenge FOR, exactly? For slighting me and making me feel bad.
stillafool Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 For slighting me and making me feel bad. Instead of revenge why not just tell them how they made you feel and then end the friendship? 1
GorillaTheater Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 For slighting me and making me feel bad. They're not responsible for how you feel; you're the only one who has control over that. So that leaves them slighting you. What do you mean by that? 3
anika99 Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 I don't think there is anything wrong with standing up for yourself. I'm not a toilet so don't crap on me. I tried to teach my kids the same thing and they're not psycho about getting revenge, as you put it. They choose their battles and I think it's perfectly fine to be assertive if someone is trying to bring you down. Better them than me. There is a big difference between standing up for oneself and getting revenge. Standing up for yourself would mean you set boundaries and when someone doesn't respect you or your boundaries then you confront that person face to face and let them know that their behaviour is unacceptable to you and that there will be consequences to the relationship (as in the relationship will be over) if said bad behaviour doesn't change. That is an adult and mature way to deal with conflict. Getting revenge by doing something malicious and cruel to the person who has offended you (general you) is immature and shows a lack of emotional stability. To the OP, yes what you are teaching your children is very wrong. Getting our feelings hurt sucks but we have all had our feelings hurt and we most likely have hurt someone else's feelings at some point in our lives. If your children hurt your feelings do you feel justified it taking revenge against them? If you hurt their feelings are they justified in seeking revenge against you? 4
me85 Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 Gosh, as much as I have daydreamed about it in the past, I still wouldn't ever actually seek out any kind of revenge, really. It isn't "ok" and I'm better than that. After all, the best revenge is being happy & just staying above all the BS. 1
AnneT1985 Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 You can feel whatever you want, but people tend to avoid petty and vengeful people like the plague OP...regardless of their slight, or perceived slight. 1
ascendotum Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 You can feel whatever you want, but people tend to avoid petty and vengeful people like the plague OP...regardless of their slight, or perceived slight. Petty I agree with, but what is so wrong about vengeance? It seems to me that it is stems from christian beliefs that it is wrong because that is god's job. Non religious New Agers will like to put their faith in Karma. Sorry but too many pricks prosper. If someone goes out of their way to **** you over, then I don't think it is immature to get revenge. My conscience will be better soothed knowing I got justice than turning the other cheek. I think in the context of the example of OP gave it was a little wrong as she really suffered no loss, just hurt feelings, but at the same time I get wanting to hurt the ex-friend same way she was hurt. Also there is risk her friend will realise she has been sitting on the information in those emails for awhile but is only informing her just now, not to do the friend a favor, but to get back at the other ex-friend. She should have just mentioned it in a conversation at some stage a little down the line.
AnneT1985 Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 (edited) Petty I agree with, but what is so wrong about vengeance? It seems to me that it is stems from christian beliefs that it is wrong because that is god's job. Non religious New Agers will like to put their faith in Karma. Sorry but too many pricks prosper. If someone goes out of their way to **** you over, then I don't think it is immature to get revenge. My conscience will be better soothed knowing I got justice than turning the other cheek. I think in the context of the example of OP gave it was a little wrong as she really suffered no loss, just hurt feelings, but at the same time I get wanting to hurt the ex-friend same way she was hurt. Also there is risk her friend will realise she has been sitting on the information in those emails for awhile but is only informing her just now, not to do the friend a favor, but to get back at the other ex-friend. She should have just mentioned it in a conversation at some stage a little down the line. It has nothing to do with religion, feelings, what the other person did or did not do or even about doing the right thing. It has everything to do with being an emotionally and mentally stable adult who has to go through life. It's human nature not to want to be friends with people who you have to walk on eggshells around constantly to avoid their petty grievances and consequent ridiculous behavior as in the example the OP gave. How exhausting. Feelings are also subjective. So to "hurt someone in the same way you've been hurt" can not be mathematically measured. What offends one person may not affect another in the slightest. If there is a major difference there, it can be talked over or simply leave the relationship behind without the unnecessary drama. I definitely agree with your second paragraph aside from mentioning that information period. It will only backfire on OP, and it's just unnecessary, petty drama. Edited August 4, 2014 by AnneT1985
amaysngrace Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 There is a big difference between standing up for oneself and getting revenge. Standing up for yourself would mean you set boundaries and when someone doesn't respect you or your boundaries then you confront that person face to face and let them know that their behaviour is unacceptable to you and that there will be consequences to the relationship (as in the relationship will be over) if said bad behaviour doesn't change. That is an adult and mature way to deal with conflict. Getting revenge by doing something malicious and cruel to the person who has offended you (general you) is immature and shows a lack of emotional stability. Thanks. I think I misunderstood. Revenge is planned. I just set boundaries as situations occur. Just either confront the person or let it go OP. They are much healthier options than stewing in negativity. 3
M30USA Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 Let God have the revenge. Ultimately all sin is agsinst Him. It is written: "Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord." If you take the revenge into your own hands, as a previous poster said, then dig two graves. Secondly, if you refrain from taking revenge, then God will see your mercy and you will be rewarded.
Got it Posted August 5, 2014 Posted August 5, 2014 Life is too short trying to even out with a tit for tat. Why lower yourself to their level and waste your energy on them? Either talk it out like a mature person or walk away. 1
todreaminblue Posted August 5, 2014 Posted August 5, 2014 dig two graves .......revenge is wrong plain and simple,,,,as a parent you cannot teach forgiveness to your kids and do the opposite...... to seek revenge is not personal growth to forgive is.....humility.....forgiveness compassion and understanding patience all virtues i want to see in my children.......they are my mirrors at the end fo the day i look inot to see fi i have done good...they cannot have these traits if they dont see them in use......i can talk about them all i want till my face turns purple...... it will not mean a thing unless i use them and they see them put to use and the blessings and peace it brings me that is what instils those traits in others.....forgiveness is an action word.....not a word written to eb said it must be used to be believed...... i want revenge on no one......not one.......my children know i forgive i dont seek revenge when people hurt me ....i try to understand why or maybe it was something i did......that i didnt listen or pick up cues on someones unhappiness to treat me the way they did or what boundary i crossed i tend to take responsibility......revenge ..... dig two graves is what i know to be true.... revenge will only kill the very heart of you i have no interest or desire in destroying my heart, for revenge never ends so its best it never starts let alone to destroy the fragility in a heart of another... be it friend, family, foe or brother from another mother revenge is best left to falter and quickly to die, that you not be the cause of one tear to be cried....deb 4
Author ThursdayChild Posted August 5, 2014 Author Posted August 5, 2014 They're not responsible for how you feel; you're the only one who has control over that. So that leaves them slighting you. What do you mean by that? I've mentioned this in another post but for example I have a friend who told me she would no longer be buying me anymore gifts if I didn't like them because I told her I already thanked her when she asked if I got the gift. I had thanked her husband when he handed it to me.
GorillaTheater Posted August 5, 2014 Posted August 5, 2014 I've mentioned this in another post but for example I have a friend who told me she would no longer be buying me anymore gifts if I didn't like them because I told her I already thanked her when she asked if I got the gift. I had thanked her husband when he handed it to me. I'm not sure if I get it, but this sounds pretty petty to me. Like I said before, I enjoy a good bit of revenge as much as the next guy, but it's pointless to "get revenge" in a situation like this. You start lashing out over nonsense like this, and other people in your life are going to stick the psycho label on you. You want that? 2
central Posted August 5, 2014 Posted August 5, 2014 It's revenge if it's interpersonal. Revenge is called justice if it's imposed by elected or appointed officials. Revenge is called national interest when perpetrated by the state. The main difference is that justice and national interest MAY include some checks and balances to protect the innocent - but even so, they have often been subverted and perverted for personal or greater interest. IMO, revenge is seldom worth the damage it causes to oneself, but there are times when it is the only acceptable answer.
Mrs Carter Posted August 5, 2014 Posted August 5, 2014 I'd probably consider myself to be a vengeful person. If you put the screws to me, I'd look forward to returning the favor. But not for something like this. If they don't want to be your friend anymore, then both of you are better off. What is there to seek revenge FOR, exactly? Yeah I am definitely spiteful but I pick my battles and tend to go for those that are malicious, not simply those that don't want to be friends. People fall out, that's ok. It's the motive that matters. 2
anika99 Posted August 5, 2014 Posted August 5, 2014 I've mentioned this in another post but for example I have a friend who told me she would no longer be buying me anymore gifts if I didn't like them because I told her I already thanked her when she asked if I got the gift. I had thanked her husband when he handed it to me. Okay I found that post in your history and I must say you were the rude and offensive one in that exchange. Is that the person you are so interested in getting revenge on? You want to get even with her because you were impolite and ungrateful to her? You were at an event and her husband handed you a gift which you didn't open there (understandable) and said thank you. You don't mention if she was standing there and heard your thanks. If she wasn't even there then you definitely never thanked her, but even if she was and she heard you, Part of the fun of gift giving is getting to experience the recipients feedback and hopefully happiness over the gift. Since you didn't open the gift there then your friend probably thought she would hear from you later when you did open it. When she asked you if you received it she was either looking for some feedback as to weather you liked her gift, or she was honestly wondering if you ever received it since her husband handed it to you and you never mentioned it again. Your response to her question was extremely rude and offensive and I understand why she reacted as she did. Maybe she should be the one wondering if she should get revenge on you..LOL. In any case the whole thing is incredibly petty and spending this much time stewing over it is so childish and immature. I don't generally believe in revenge but I can understand feeling the need for revenge when someone has seriously caused harm to you or a loved one. Say someone bilked you out of your life savings, or assaulted your child, those kinds of things would make me angry enough to entertain thoughts of revenge. Not the little playground fight you're talking about.
RonaldS Posted August 5, 2014 Posted August 5, 2014 The best revenge in the world is moving on without acting. Ride above the nonsense and drama and just move forward. Works every time. Then, instead of getting dragged down into the fray, you can live your life without the crap. And in all likelihood, the person or people who are bringing the sh*t and drama will stumble and fall on their own at some point, and being able to observe that from afar is an ancillary benefit. I like to move out of the way and let people crash and burn on their own.
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