ahoymatey Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 My very long time friend (we are middle aged) is having an affair with a married man. It's been going on for a couple years now. His wife knows, and yet the affair continues. Perhaps she is okay with it, because she enjoys all the of the benefits of living with her husband (who admits to my friend that he does love his wife very much), spending all weekends and holidays and vacations with her husband, and being loved and accepted by his family and friends. To summarize: the betrayed wife knows her husband is having an affair with my friend, but has apparently come to terms with it and their married life is going on as usual, with lots of togetherness and shared activities and all that (including sex). My friend and her married man make up and break up over and over because she is extremely unhappy that he will not leave his wife. All she wants is to be with him, but it's clear even to her that he isn't going to leave his wife. She is now pretty much a mess. She drinks too much, is clearly depressed, parties hard on the weekends while he's with his wife and family, and frankly, she is a total bore now. Our friendship is pretty much nonexistent because she has nothing else to talk about except the affair. When she's not sleeping or drinking or depressed, she is throwing herself into one self-improvement project after another to try to "win" her married man away from his wife. Honestly, I think she is being emotionally abused by this guy, who is no gem by any definition of the term. My friend is a shadow of her former self and I've given up on our friendship pretty much. She blows off her plans with me if her married man suddenly is freed up from his wife and can hang out with my friend. I'm talking important plans, like getting together on the holidays. I know, I should just detach and move on. I just had to let it out. I feel like my friend has lost her mind!
freestyle Posted August 5, 2014 Posted August 5, 2014 Ouch---I've been through that myself. I played the supportive sounding board for years with a friend who was in an on again, off again affair with a man in a LTR.... (if I had a dollar for every tearful phone call I took from her..) And when she finally broke free, & met a guy, & got married? I was disposable. She was so immersed in her new relationship, for months, that she wasn't there for me, when I needed support. (I lost one of my closest friends to cancer) She didn't even tell me about meeting the new guy for a coupe of months-- I just had radio silence from her. It was a very hurtful slap in the heart, after that many years of friendship. I'm sharing my experience as a warning to be careful about how much you invest yourself emotionally in this friendship--I'm concerned that she's already blowing you off, on short notice, when the married guy summons her...... You might find yourself holding the bag...... One other question--how does this sit with your core values? If you're against cheating, but torn between wanting to support an old friend---this might affect you , more than you realize. (something I experienced myself---I didn't want to be judgmental, but when my SO had an emotional affair, I couldn't help but start to view my friend in a different light--I realized she was being a party to the deception of an innocent person...) 2
VeronicaRoss Posted August 5, 2014 Posted August 5, 2014 Mid-life can get really ugly, I'm seeing sides of friends I never would have guessed and affairs are just part of it. In so many ways this age is like puberty again, people are changing so fast and doing unpredictable things. We have a smidge of youth left and if you didn't get your romantic fill I guess this seems like the last shot. Luckily I did and can treasure what I have. The affair you describe is so one-sided and sounds so self-destructive, let alone the other stuff she's doing. Doesn't sound like this person can be a friend to themselves, let alone you. I was in a self-destructive relationship in my early 30s. The friends that helped the most told me straight up why it was bad for me, that they were worried, and they didn't listen sympathetically for long. Their absence sends a strong message for sure. At the time I thought 'good riddance' but as I woke up and realized I needed to get out remembering what they said helped a ton -- gave me insight and courage to get out. To this day I'm grateful for their willingness to be honest -- very few people in life will be. I just did something similar to a friend of over 30 years. It took me years to do it, she was in my wedding, but it's a relief not to be implicitly involved in what she does. 1
gamman Posted August 6, 2014 Posted August 6, 2014 Worry about you. Don't get involved in this bull****. Even though it seems like you love it. Good luck..
Sugarkane Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 I can't blame you at all for being over this friendship. I had a co worker with an on and off again relationship, with someone abusive. And each time they'd get back together she would brag about it. People got sick of it very quickly. Your friends relationship sounds extremely unhealthy. She should be lucky you have stuck by even this long.
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