What do I do about my roommate?

[TheBathWater]

So, here's a post I never thought I'd have to write in the 15 years I've known this guy...

 

Me and him have been best friends since high school. We got a place a little more than a year ago, and for the most part, things have been just fine.

 

He recently decided to start dating a woman 10 years younger than him (she is 19, he is 29). It's his choice, and though I wouldn't do it, I think she is very nice. She annoys me a little with her loud laughing constantly, but otherwise she's cool.

 

Anyway, the problem is that they started going out 1-2 months ago, and about two weeks after that, she has been spending 5 nights a week here at the house since. She is here during the day when he is at work, has moved her bathroom supplies into the bathroom, uses our kitchen, etc... I think he even has let her use our extra set of keys a time or two. And she is not paying one dime!

 

What pisses me off the most is that he never even consulted with me as to whether this is okay or not and is going about it all like there are no unfair implications. I can't bring it up either, because he'll just get defensive. He is known to rationalize anything unfair, and because I'm more timid, I don't say anything.

 

What should I do? He has been a real jerk lately, bossing me around and ignoring me when I say hi and try to make conversation. This was the absolute tipping point for me and now I am not talking to him at all. It is very uncomfortable.

Edited August 4, 2014 by TunaInTheBrine

[SpiralOut]

You might have to move out to save the friendship. Either that or he can move out and find a subletter to take his spot. If I were you I would tell him the situation isn't working anymore, and ask him how he wants to proceed.

[USMCHokie]

Add her to the lease. There could be a number of second and third order effects resulting from this...

 

How much do you value this friendship...?

[TheBathWater]

Add her to the lease. There could be a number of second and third order effects resulting from this...

 

How much do you value this friendship...?

 

There's no way she could afford to pay rent here. They work together. She makes minimum wage and pulls 2 shifts a week I think.

 

I do (did?) value the friendship, but I am really fumed right now. In addition to this, he has just been a lackluster friend for a while. It's whenever he has a girlfriend, he just starts acting like a total ******* for some reason. His whole attitude changes.

 

I'm just thinking about how I'm going to get out of this if I leave, because the lease isn't up until April.

[SpiralOut]

There's no way she could afford to pay rent here. They work together. She makes minimum wage and pulls 2 shifts a week I think.

 

I do (did?) value the friendship, but I am really fumed right now. In addition to this, he has just been a lackluster friend for a while. It's whenever he has a girlfriend, he just starts acting like a total ******* for some reason. His whole attitude changes.

 

I'm just thinking about how I'm going to get out of this if I leave, because the lease isn't up until April.

 

Are both of your names on the lease? If it's just yours, then you can find a subletter and you won't need his approval. If it's both his and yours, then you can't do much legally without his signature. I'm not sure what the laws are like in your area, so you should read up on them to see if there are any loopholes that work in your favour.

 

Tell him you're unhappy living with him and that one of you needs to leave. Tell him you are willing to move out if he would rather keep the place, but he can leave if he wants. Let him choose. Ask him if he would be willing to live with another person, if you were to find a subletter to take your place. You could introduce them to make sure he approves.

 

By the way, it might be better if he moves out instead of you. I can't imagine many people wanting to move in with a guy whose girlfriend lives there for free.

Edited August 4, 2014 by SpiralOut

[CC12]

I can't bring it up either, because he'll just get defensive. He is known to rationalize anything unfair, and because I'm more timid, I don't say anything.

 

You can bring it up. Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself. This is one of those times. He's making your living situation uncomfortable by introducing someone else without your permission.

 

Look at your lease. It likely has a limit on the length any overnight guests can stay. My lease says a guest can't stay any more than three nights per month. Find it on your lease.

 

Have you told him that you don't want to live with a third roommate and that that's not what you signed up for? That's all you really have to say. No need to continue arguing about it, especially if he's someone who's never wrong. Just keep referring to the lease and be like, "Look, we're breaking the rules and we could both be evicted. What do you want to do about it?"

[TheBathWater]

I obtained a copy of the lease, and no single guest is allowed to sleep over for more than 14 days in a calendar year. That policy has been easily violated, maybe twice by now, in the last month alone.

 

I think I am going to approach him and first suggest that she movie in with us and join the lease, paying a third of the rent. I do like her, and do not object to her being around (as long as she is not living here on my dime).

 

If that is not possible, I'm then going to suggest that she decrease the amount of nights she sleeps here/hangs around the house. For me personally, that limit would be 3 sleepovers per week or 4 days hanging out. That is still in violation of the lease, but I mean, it is his girlfriend and I don't want to be an *******. I think if she is here half the week or more, it starts to become a live-in arrangement like it is now.

 

If that is also not possible, I am going to suggest that he will either have to move out or I will have the landlords talk with him. I notified them today of what is happening and they suggested I go this route first and then get them involved if all else fails.

 

Sound good?

Edited August 5, 2014 by TunaInTheBrine

[CC12]

I think I am going to approach him and first suggest that she movie in with us and join the lease, paying a third of the rent.

 

I don't think you should do this, to be honest. She's not a very good guest, and she'll be an even worse roommate. Also your current roommate wasn't very respectful of your living space and I very much doubt he'll suddenly change his attitude, especially once he realizes that they, as a team, are paying two-thirds of the rent to live in half of the apartment. I just see it going badly for you, and if she's on the lease, you'll kind of be screwed.

 

If that is not possible, I'm then going to suggest that she decrease the amount of nights she sleeps here/hangs around the house. For me personally, that limit would be 3 sleepovers per week or 4 days hanging out.

 

I guarantee you they won't stick to 3 sleepovers per week. It's going to become just an extra night here or there because she was too tired to drive home that night, or she wasn't feeling good, they accidentally fell asleep, etc.

 

And who's going to keep track of how many nights she's there? Only you, probably, and you're going to end up stewing about it and being resentful when they inevitably spend more than three nights together. Or, you'll turn into the rule enforcer, nagging at them that they're not sticking to their promise and they'll become resentful of you.

 

It's a difficult situation. I guess what I'd try to do is to get him to agree to having overnight guests on weekends only, unless it's an unusual circumstance (like a visitor from out of town or something.) That's a much more clear rule, and I think it's totally fair. You don't have to be a hardass about it. If she stays over on a weeknight here and there, you should probably overlook it just to keep the peace.

 

Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

[TheBathWater]

Well, I did it. When I told him we needed to talk, he already knew what it was about (an obvious clue he knew it was not a good move on his part to be doing).

 

I basically said I was starting to feel resentful because I pay half the rent and she sleeps over all the time and doesn't, and that now I was wondering what their plans were. I was calm, rational, and communicated with confidence that I thought we could figure out a way to work this out. I was hopeful we could. This lasted about 20 seconds.

 

The guy flipped out on me, used every swear in the book at me, suddenly decided I have been a horrible roommate this entire time (huh?), that he had "had it" with me, told me I was crazy for even bringing this up, threatened to physically hurt me a couple of times, told me our friendship was over when the lease runs out, and walked away from me. The whole thing felt very childish to me. He was not interested in talking things through at all. It was either his way all the way, or cry.

 

Now, I am not sure what is going to happen. But I am not so comfortable with him living here at all now. If he threatens me again, I might file a police report.

[CC12]

Well, ****.

 

So are you both on the lease? Can you afford to move out? Can you easily find another place? What do you have to do to get out of your lease?

[SpiralOut]

What typically happens whenever you confront him on anything? Does he cool down and apologize later? Or does he just sort of pretend nothing happened?

 

He cannot seriously expect you to continue living with him, but he doesn't sound like a reasonable person either. Since he has violated the lease, I wonder if that would work in your favour.

Edited August 6, 2014 by SpiralOut

[lollipopspot]

Well, I did it. When I told him we needed to talk, he already knew what it was about (an obvious clue he knew it was not a good move on his part to be doing).

 

I basically said I was starting to feel resentful because I pay half the rent and she sleeps over all the time and doesn't, and that now I was wondering what their plans were. I was calm, rational, and communicated with confidence that I thought we could figure out a way to work this out. I was hopeful we could. This lasted about 20 seconds.

 

The guy flipped out on me...

 

Good for you for standing up for yourself. If this is an accurate depiction, it sounds like you handled it really well, despite his over the top reaction.

 

Unless he turns it around fast and communicates better, one of you has got to assume the lease and get another roommate. Since the gf can't afford to pay the rent, probably he needs to move out and get a cheaper place with her. Treat it like a pragmatic matter at this point. If he's seriously threatening you, then you probably need to get the landlord or someone else involved.

[rester]

It sounds like you are handling things the best way possible. If he's going to be unreasonable like you describe, I would look for a new place to live. If that's not an option, consider getting a third party to intervene. There's absolutely no reason a discussion about living arrangements should trigger such a temper tantrum. This guy has got some issues and he's taking them out on you.

[TheBathWater]

@SpiraOut: I don't confront him on anything, and this is why. He is a guy notorious for denying responsibility and taking out his feelings on people around him. He does not like compromise, and I do not like confrontation. Obviously, I did something different this time. He didn't like that.

 

We are both on the lease for another 7 months, and neither of us can afford the penalty to break it. Perhaps if one of us found someone to take over the lease for the other, that could work and allow someone to move out.

 

I agree with lollipopspot;unless he turns it around and communicates better, I think that somehow, one of us needs to go.

 

The entire time he was flying off the handle, I kept my cool. Calm voice tone, no swearing, being reasonable and with an attitude of "I believe we will find a solution". The fact that I even brought it up with him is a triumph for me; I wasn't worried about myself flying off the handle (I'm a therapist, so I'm typically non-confrontational and put others feelings before my own).

 

Thank you all for your support and input.