Yankees4331 Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 (edited) Hi all, I am looking for some dire and wise advice. I am a 21 yr old college male and my girlfriend is the same age. I will go ahead and say in hindsight from my girlfriend's perspective I was in a toxic relationship. I had been dating my girlfriend for one and a half years exactly when she left. It has been a little over a week since she has left. Long story short, we met studying abroad, have been through a lot in between there and now, she fell really sick while abroad and I was by her side the entire time in the beginning of our relationship. We do distance during the college school year after coming back from abroad but we see each other for breaks (winter and spring), holidays (thanksgiving), and birthdays. She was my first serious relationship, and definitely first love. The first fight that we ever had was when she told me about her past and how she had dated someone dating back to high school for 2 years before meeting me. At the time, I was so new to a relationship I was unable to maturely deal with this. Long story short, he eventually still tried to talk to her and I was unable to grasp why she wouldn't just block his number or his fb. I know, very immature of me in hindsight. This petty little thing literally was the only thing that I would ever fight her about, I would think man, you've had him over for all of your family outings and events, I am just #2 in everything, which was clearly the wrong way of thinking of things. Eventually in April this year, we ended p taking a break because of her ex still trying to contact her but knowing that we would be back together come summer(explained below). At this time I think the distance was also taking its toll on me and I was spending more and more time with my friends, and paying less attention to her. Last fall I was offered a great internship down in Texas for the summer. I talked it over with my girlfriend and we both thought it would be a new adventure to move down to Texas for the summer. She would eventually find an internship in Texas too which was only 3 miles away from mine (this is relevant as we would only have 1 car in Texas this summer and carpooled daily). I also knew ahead of time that her internship was unpaid and that I would be solely financially supporting her this summer. After taking this break and focusing on exams, in mid-May, a few days before she was scheduled to fly to my home (we would make the 18 hour drive down together in 2 days), she texted me and told me she was ready and willing to give me another chance if I was willing to change starting with never bringing up the ex regardless of his actions. We got to Texas, settled in, and everything was going great. We were traveling, dining out, just generally having a great time in a new environment. Eventually, she felt bad that she wasn't contributing anything financially and so she asked to move in a fellow intern from work who did not have a place to stay. He, in turn, would be paying us weekly rent/gas money since we would be taking him to and back from work also. I obliged, not thinking twice about it. He moved in and there was tension as I am a very private person, and this random person all of a sudden was living with us, eating with us, and riding in the car with us on a daily basis. That started the unraveling of our relationship this summer. As summer progressed, work started to pick up. My girlfriend's internship was for a local sports team, and so on their match-nights, she was required to stay and work and also stay late to help clean up after. Basically, 2 weekdays for a month I went to her events and stayed until midnight instead of driving home after work (the commute from home to the venue was ~40 minutes each way and not worth it). I also had to get up around 7 every morning for my work. Also, on the weekends for a month, she also had matches, meaning that she would take the car with the other kid and be gone from 10 in the morning to midnight so we wouldn't be able to travel or explore like we used to and I would be stuck at home. In hindsight, this was all very selfish and a me-first way of thinking of the situation. Soon, we would be fighting about me asking her to ask her boss to leave early some nights, or me arguing about who's internship was being paid or led to a full time job offer. I would get angry that I was paying for her everything and yet she wouldn't leave early or take a day off on the weekend which was all very wrong in hindsight. My mom said after I talked to her that not only did I know that ahead of time, but she relocated to Texas for the summer because of me, and that was the least I should have done. Basically, because of my me-first attitude, I wasn't very supportive of my girlfriend during this time in hindsight, instead of cheering her on, I was only focused on the bottom line, leaving and getting home ASAP which was the wrong approach. I had found out about 2 weeks before it happened that she was thinking about flying home early as soon as her internship ended (her internship ended the last week of July). I told her that I would treat her nicer and that we would enjoy the last 3 weeks of summer (her original flight home was mid-August). We had a nice 2 weeks after that, and the other kid who was staying with us flew out the last Monday of July. That Thursday, she was 30 minutes late in picking me up from work with no warning and I got too angry over that, and then Friday morning we had planned on going on another road trip(it was the first free weekend she had in a month). I had gotten a little angry at her on the drive to work that morning, over facebook out of all things (she had removed all of our pictures on facebook for a while and I had wanted them back on). I know, it is so ridiculous and immature in hindsight. She dropped me off at work, we kissed, and at 2 that day, I get a call from the secretary that my car keys had been dropped off. In the car, there was a note that she went home because of the fighting, along with her car key, house key, and debit card of the joint account we had opened. She left the dog we had gotten together along with a suitcase worth of her clothes. It has been a little over a week now. I am in a dark dark place. I believe that it was my immaturity, inability to look past the small things, and selfishness that led to almost all of this. I would say I am 80-90% at fault here. I really cared about and loved this girl so much and now because of me she is gone. Obviously I have done everything one is not supposed to do. She has me blocked on facebook, my cell phone #, everything else social media. She also blocked all of my friends that she had known. The only way of contacting her has been through email and wechat. Long story short she is cutting off contact, no matter what I say I can't change the past or what she decides to do, she told me she gave me chance after chance and I didn't listen, now she has to do whats best for her happiness even if that means seeing other people. I know I was wrong, I am seeking help, I realize now that money isn't king and my eyes have been opened to how bad of a boyfriend I was in hindsight. I had never lived with a serious girlfriend before let alone support someone. I want to take time to better myself and be a better person from this in the present. Honestly what all I want is to get back together with my girlfriend with time, however long it may be. What do I do from here/what are the next steps? I know I just have to focus on me and self-improvement now but it is hard. Thank you Edited August 4, 2014 by yankees4ever2007
samg313 Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 Time heals all wounds to a degree. I think it's unfair to yourself and the situation that you blame yourself for 90% of the bad things that turned your RS sour. We all make mistakes and are all works in progress for the most part. You now can learn from these mistakes and apply the knowledge to future relationships. She was doing things that bothered you and she didn't want to ease those worries either. So it's not like she was perfect either. It was also not perfect to not break up with you in a less cowardly manner. I think moving in together showed commitment that maybe your RS was not ready for and it burnt you out. Do NC and work on yourself
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