Author TylerC Posted February 25, 2005 Author Posted February 25, 2005 I asked her to tell me how she thought I was being clingy, and here's the response I got: "Like when I'm gone (meaning show choir competitions, she is out of town and with several guys who consider her to be quite attractive, but she is also with her friends from choir) you always need to know where I am and what I'm doing and you want me to call you at times when you really don't understand that I can't." That's what her note said, and she does have some valid points, however: -I don't need to know where she is, I know where she is, she's at the school or the hotel. -She volunteered to TELL me what she did all day, I never once asked her. -I just want her to call me and talk for like 5-10 minutes. Out of a 48 hour trip, that's less than 2% of her time, is that so much to ask? Now that you have her side of the story, some more advice please?
Pocky Posted February 25, 2005 Posted February 25, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale very good logic POCKY. and using your same logic: 'anyone who has to be taught to read and write in order to educate themselves and learn is not really smart or literate or educated.' Actually you're not using my logic at all. In your statement above you have supplied a complete equation: reading + writing = educated Your equation for your aloof theory, as youv'e claimed is: independence + confidence = aloof However, what you've done is only provided the answer by instructing people to be aloof. You haven't supplied the complete equation: A + B = Aloof The point I'm making is that you can tell someone to be aloof but all you get is someone aloof. You don't get someone that is independent and confident. You simply get aloofness. First you have to teach them how to be independent and confident, which in your opinion, would automatically equate aloofness. And my point again is that teaching someone how to be aloof doesn't teach them how to be independent and confident and is therefore an act and not consistent with their true nature.
Pocky Posted February 25, 2005 Posted February 25, 2005 Originally posted by TylerC -I just want her to call me and talk for like 5-10 minutes. Out of a 48 hour trip, that's less than 2% of her time, is that so much to ask? Now that you have her side of the story, some more advice please? Next time she goes on a trip don't ask her to call you and when she asks why don't you want to talk to her when she's been gone for 48 hours, tell her that you didn't want to be clingy. Maybe she'll rethink her opinion.
alphamale Posted February 25, 2005 Posted February 25, 2005 Originally posted by Pocky And my point again is that teaching someone how to be aloof doesn't teach them how to be independent and confident and is therefore an act and not consistent with their true nature. Ok, i see what you say. Now....someone who is already independent and confident will tend to be more aloof by nature. Someone who is more clingy and less independent can be taught to be more indifferent and aloof over time and thru experience which will make them be PERCEIVED as being more independent and confident.
Pocky Posted February 25, 2005 Posted February 25, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale Someone who is more clingy and less independent can be taught to be more indifferent and aloof over time and thru experience which will make them be PERCEIVED as being more independent and confident. Or a wuss with an attitude..
sweetpea01 Posted February 25, 2005 Posted February 25, 2005 I think the "clingy" this is BS. When a girl is in love, she'll happily have her bf over ALL the time...see him all the time..and take his phone calls any time of the day. She'll make time. Clingy is what happens when making that time starts to be a drag, and when she'd rather spend that time elsewehere. SP
iceisles Posted February 25, 2005 Posted February 25, 2005 Originally posted by sweetpea01 I think the "clingy" this is BS. When a girl is in love, she'll happily have her bf over ALL the time...see him all the time..and take his phone calls any time of the day. She'll make time. Clingy is what happens when making that time starts to be a drag, and when she'd rather spend that time elsewehere. Right on. Put this on a post-it on your desk.
alphamale Posted February 25, 2005 Posted February 25, 2005 Originally posted by sweetpea01 I think the "clingy" this is BS. When a girl is in love, she'll happily have her bf over ALL the time...see him all the time..and take his phone calls any time of the day. She'll make time. yeah SWEETPEA01, if she is 19 yrs old maybe this will happen. When you get older and have many other commitments such as job, kids, pets, nasty ex's, financial obligations, family obligations, health issues to deal with then then there may not be as much time available. Ergo, the man who wants to spend every waking minute with some woman who's got a thousand obligations is gonna be left in the dust.
Merin Posted February 26, 2005 Posted February 26, 2005 Originally posted by krbshappy71 Dunno if it helped him, but it sure as heck helped me, LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH!! Very clever write up, I enjoyed it...very true. Clingy is a state of mind in my opinion, its the desperate feeling you can't be without that person. I've been it, I've experienced it being done to me, it does suck and is very undesirable. Work on being yourself and enjoying life without having someone in it.
Kate Posted February 26, 2005 Posted February 26, 2005 this topic is interesting. for me, my relationships have usually started this way: guy is interested in me. i wait and let him make the move first (male installation of need to pursue/chase). i continue to respect his alone time, etc....then that is usually when things change.... SO, what has ended up happening is that i start to respond to their "clinginess" (or fear that i will abandon) and 1) either the tables totally turn (this is a sign of a manipulation) or 2) I start to feel clingy! i guess my point is that you have 2, maybe 3 options. right now in my current relationship, i'm working on #3. #1) maintain your distance and classify them as clingy, letting them know it is weak behavior. it will be hard to ever feel like their equal, though. #2) try to MATCH their needs and ACT the part you think they want you to. what has ended up happening for me with this (i have a weak heart and feel bad easily but am working on that bad behavior) the tables turn, i trick myself into thinking i NEED them, and i end up being severely weakened as well as totally disappointed in myself. but THAT is a personal project to work on, which leads me to where i am today, #3... #3 is trying your damndest to maintain BALANCE. it is looking at someone else's "neediness" or clinginess and saying, "ok...have I been there MYSELF? what does it mean? is this something i can quietly let them know is not right and move forward? or are they just naturally draining?". my current SO chased me like hell in the beginning. and because I became on the clingy end in my last relationship which ended terribly in cheating and lies on his end, i have maintained a real distance from day 1. BUT i have NOT played a game. the trick with clinginess is just to be true to yourself. everyone falls prey from time to time, so give your SO the benefit of the doubt or if you really care DO something to SHOW them you care. if this doesn't get rid of some of the clinginess, you may need to back off. right now i'm at a crossroad myself. i feel my feelings are genuine for my SO but i think he battles some real control issues and worries about needing me too much. i haven't really SEEN this in him but i suspect it due to conversations we have had together. but, you know what? this guy treats me so so well. he is HONEST about his fears, etc., and that is more than i can ask for. sometimes when you get what you want you don't want it anymore...until you are left dating some a**h*** again. that is when you will REALLY regret taking the "clingy" person for granted. so, again, in my current sitaution, this guy is night and day from my last SO who was an aloof (all a big effort people, a big PHONY PHONY effort to be aloof, i promise -- the guy can't even hold his head up now that i'm not with him. he was an energy sucking heart stomping bastard who played the aloof role because he knew i thought it was genuine -- it wasn't!). ANYWAY my point is that SOMETIMES people who are clingy are just more honest. my SO is SUCH a guy's guy, a man. and what makes him more of a man is his brutal honesty. it's beautiful. but where i'm at right now is growing as an individual who doesnt want/need to talk to someone 3x a day or even EVERY day...he is different. i think the most important thing to do is to be healthy yourself. then you can draw sane, non-hysterial boundaries when someone is too "clingy" and let them know that if they try to manipulate you it simply won't work. even people with big hearts manipulate out of weakness. my current SO tried it a few weeks ago....pretended he had his phone off when i texted and called and then he went away for the weekend. well, i caught onto his game -- he felt out of control and was tyring to control ME. so, i did the opposite of what i have done in the past. i mentally seperated myself and considered the relationship dead for those 3 days he decided to not exist. when he came back from his long weekend, he suddenly wanted to talk. i paid him the respect to talk and he had the nerve to tell me that he thinks i am "on and off". i know this is not the case because i don't play games to try to win his attention and affection. i told him "i am too old for this. you are simply DOING to me what you fear i will DO to you. maybe you need some time alone". he then teared up, told me he was falling hard, and just really scared. he opened up a LOT. my point is, instead of playing some cat and mouse game (which is what would have happened had i played his game)_ neither of us would have really understood waht was going on -- he needed more control because he is "clingier". since then, he hasn't pulled that crap....as much. whatever this was too long!
krbshappy71 Posted February 26, 2005 Posted February 26, 2005 Your post is not too long at all, I enjoyed reading it and I'm sure others will too. I agree, clinginess can sometimes be controlled by boundaries...but not necessarily in all cases. Sometimes people just have a real problem and should get help..their insecurities and/or control urges get the best of them. Thanks for sharing!
Author TylerC Posted February 27, 2005 Author Posted February 27, 2005 Alright this weekend was a dance marathon, a 24-hour dance thing as a fundraiser for the athletic boosters, and Lauren (girlfriend) was my partner. I practiced not being so clingy, and by that I mean if she went off somewhere (which happened A LOT over the 24 hours) I only asked where she was going a few (by few I mean less than 5) times. Also, I tried "making myself scarce." We played a lot of games with partners or solo games and if I got out before her I would sit down then when she got out she would sit somewhere else and normally when I would go over and sit by her I just stayed where I was. This worked, because eventually she looked for me and waved me over. One last thing, Lauren was going to be partners with someone else for the game and I would have to sit out, and I said I'm not trying to be so clingy and have to do everything with you so go ahead, but we ended up doing something else and not playing the game. Thanks for the advice guys.
krbshappy71 Posted February 27, 2005 Posted February 27, 2005 This worked, because eventually she looked for me and waved me over. Yayyyyy!!! See, you made a difference with just that particular situation! I know it's kind of hard to retrain the brain, and honestly there are STILL situations that I am working on myself, as I do have clingy-tendancies. Don't beat yourself up if you slip, just keep trying to stay focused on not being clingy and I'm sure she will be more interested in you as a result. Its not playing a game, its learning the skill of being separate from the other person when we would really prefer to be all over them 24/7. I'm proud of you, that took concentration and an honest effort to change.
Author TylerC Posted February 27, 2005 Author Posted February 27, 2005 Thanks, it was hard though, believe me! =D
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 27, 2005 Posted February 27, 2005 clingy adj - a word that tends to disappear from a girl's vocabulary the minute you begin paying attention to other females.
Author TylerC Posted February 27, 2005 Author Posted February 27, 2005 Talk to other girls, check. I know, don't flirt, but talk to them. I won't talk to my ex either, Lauren is a jealous person like I am.
Kate Posted February 28, 2005 Posted February 28, 2005 ugh read my latest post under dating where i question co-dependency and manipulation. it is a follow up to what i said this past Sat. about my SO. i am getting the worst stomach pains and feel like i am suddenly in an unhealthy and unbalanced relationship. i think my SO needs some help. i am sensitive because i have been through a fair share of emotional issues, but i feel like i have worked on MINE sooooo much. anyway, clingy is the following to me!!: 1) calls several times a day 2) texts several times a day in conjunction with calls 3) wants/needs to see you every day 4) makes plans too far in the future to the point where it is not relevant to the comfort level in your relationship at that particular time 5) comes across in the beginning as the ultimate partner -- at your beck and call, "respecting you" in a very extreme manner. 6) offers to do rediculous favors for you as insurance that you won't/don't leave. 7) makes you feel guilty because you don't make them feel as secure in the relationship 8) fails to acknowledge their REAL role here -- switched things around 9) gets a glazed look in their eyes when they fear they are losing you...like a wierd look 10) will say anything at the moment to get out of what they have done wrong. good talkers. 11) gets mad when you make plans that don't include them. they want you to want only them. 12) they try to make so many plans that they monopolize your time completely. that way there is no chance you can/will be with anyone else.
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