Opinions Posted August 3, 2014 Posted August 3, 2014 I've been a long time lurker on this website and finally I've had enough struggles with my getting beyond my ex that I've made an account to hopefully get some advice. I'll start off with the relationship story so you can get some feeling of what all went on. To start it off, I had never really been one to have much of a dating life or to fall head over heels in love with someone as it just isn't really me. I had dated but no one really sparked any interest in me. But all that changed a few years back when I first met my ex. She was in a marriage at the time that was really starting to fall apart. It ended and she jumped into an abusive relationship with some awful guy that ended pretty quickly. During this whole time I was never more than a friend as I was in a different relationship all together that kind of fizzled out (I've remained close friends with the girl from that one and she has been super helpful through all my problems with the relationship I'm writing about here). About 6 months after she left the abusive relationship, my feelings for her skyrocketed and I told her how I felt and asked her out. Everything went fantastic from there. It was a stellar relationship and had a long honeymoon phase that never seemed to end. Then suddenly it just ended. She abruptly called things off after months of the honeymoon phase, saying she would never be able to give me the same level of love as I gave her. Totally caught me off guard and crushed me. The next 2 months were awful. But one day in June 2013 she sent me a text hoping I was alright and we talked a little bit but I told her I just needed some time till I could talk with her again but only a few days later she contacted me again and we started talking nonstop and the relationship caught a sudden spark again and the love came pouring back into it. She started talking about marriage and kids (probably should have been a huge warning signal for me right then) and I was so happy to be back with her after the first heartbreak that I just went along with it. The love was great, our sex life was insanely great, everything seemed to be going perfect. Then in August we went through the same break up again. I always had a feeling it would happen again but it hit me even harder this time than the first. I was stupid for the next two weeks trying/begging to get an explanation out of her but she would only be cold and distant so I finally stopped. After that we really didn't have much contact and in December I finally and fully stopped talking to her to give myself the time and ability to heal. It was rough at first but the months passed and I spent time going out, meeting up with random women, going on a few dates here and there, wokring out hard in the gym getting to the best shape I've ever been in, and I was finally getting over my ex (followed my friends advice of not being able to get over one until you find yourself with another). She was nothing more than a memory and some sad feelings and then one day she contacted me with an email "Hey B, how are you doing? Just been thinking about you." and left it at that. All my suppressed emotions towards her came flooding back in and I replied. The very next email she told me she was in a new relationship and moving up to New York to live with him (he was a past relationship from highschool and she said he had always been there for her through her issues in highschool so she went with him). I told her I couldn't talk to her and to not contact me and I'll contact her when I'm ready to talk. She said "I hope you can forgive me one day." So I was basically back at square one but this time I really pushed hard to get over her. All went great after that, college was flying by, my grades were staying at all A's, my social life was great and I felt like I finally was over her. She wasn't contacting me, she left me alone to heal it seemed. Now this past Thursday was my birthday. I woke up to an email from her. "Happy birthday, B." That's all it said. No enthusiasm, nothing at all. But everything came flooding back in again. I replied "Hey J, wanted to say thanks for the birthday wished." and I left it at that. But now I keep thinking about her and it's driving me up the wall. I went out the past few nights to distract myself but it's just not working this time. Idk if I'm over-thinking the unenthusiastic birthday wish or what it is. It's been nearly a year and now everything I felt last august is back and I just don't get why I can't get over this girl.
leoc1973 Posted August 3, 2014 Posted August 3, 2014 Man your story sounds a lot like mine. Right down to the b-day wishes. Mine sent a little bit longer message but still you are right it was totally unemotional and that is what bothered me. Like not even an exclamation point. funny how we totally over analyze everything. We even had a few breakups and started out as friends like you did. Totally suddenly just like mine. I was thinking I was in the best most solid relationship with a girl that was madly in love with me and poof out of nowhere she dumped me. OK so here is my take on what you are dealing with and I hope it doesn't hurt you more than you are already hurting. I think that the other guy is her great love and she wants to be with him but she uses you while they are apart. Its the only explanation that makes sense. Now moving all the way through the country to be with him? I think maybe they have a lot more history than you know about. After college when you get out in the world you are going to be a huge catch. Once women hit their mid 20's is when they start looking to nest. You are getting straight A's and really in shape? Well you are exactly what women are looking for so be really picky and find an amazing girl. Instead letting the memory of this girl eat you up and thinking about what you lost.. think about the awesome life you have ahead of you. Think about all the awesome women that you are going to get to have sex with! You are at the peak of your life and have the world in the palm of your hands. I am older now and look back at my mid 20's and can't even remember half the women's names I have been with. I would not change that for the world. Unless you meet your wife tomorrow don't let anyone take this time of your life away by pining over them. I had a girlfriend when i was 20 that treated me like a yo yo but after I smartened up I had the time of my life. She begged and begged to have me back but there were just too many women. We are friends now and she says the biggest mistake she ever made was letting me get away. You are a catch and someday your ex will realize what she has done. Besides, you can never trust her again. She knows she can come and go as she pleases and you will always be waiting. Take that away from her. Good luck bro 2
music_and_poetry Posted August 3, 2014 Posted August 3, 2014 I agree with @leoc1973 I think this girl is happy in the relationship she's in but perhaps maybe a bit insecure? Worried things will change? She's made an awful lot of life-altering changes on his behalf and it would be detrimental to her if things didn't work... Maybe that's why she tugs the cord on you. Because she needs a back up plan/support system if things don't end well with this guy. That's really not cool and you need to cut the cord. Don't let her treat you like this. She might not even be aware that that's what she's doing. 1
Author Opinions Posted August 3, 2014 Author Posted August 3, 2014 (edited) Thank you for the reply! In a way it's nice to know I'm not alone with my experience of this crazy relationship even though I hate to hear about anyone having to experience it! Yeah I've always thought that about him. From what she told me when we were together I always got the feeling that he was still on her mind. It was weird though because when she told me about moving there she was all "If it works it works,if not, meh." Idk what that was about, if she was trying to keep my hopes up or not in case she ever needed a rebound but I'm trying not to look so deeply into this anymore as I do tend to over-think things. Your third paragraph... that right there really cheered me up. You are so right. That's what I've been trying to tell myself and having someone else say it just gives me that extra push to really move on. Plus I'm going into nursing so I'll be meeting plenty of great people that way! Thanks for the advice, leoc! It has helped! I agree with @leoc1973 I think this girl is happy in the relationship she's in but perhaps maybe a bit insecure? Worried things will change? She's made an awful lot of life-altering changes on his behalf and it would be detrimental to her if things didn't work... Maybe that's why she tugs the cord on you. Because she needs a back up plan/support system if things don't end well with this guy. That's really not cool and you need to cut the cord. Don't let her treat you like this. She might not even be aware that that's what she's doing. Yeah I am doing my best to cut this cord she has. That's why I'm always the one instigating the NC for months on end until she comes and finds her way back to the front of my mind. And as I wrote up above to Leoc she seems so strange about her new relationship saying if things work they work, if not, meh. And insecure definitely is a word that describes her. I'm just gonna keep doing my best to cut her fully out of my life and if I feel myself thinking to much about her, I'll come on here and read what you guys wrote. I appreciate the help! Edited August 3, 2014 by Opinions 1
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