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anyone here go complete NC with an ex while on BAD TERMS with them

Ordinaryday

By Ordinaryday
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Ordinaryday Established Member

Ordinaryday

Posted
Posted

and never ever resolve the bad blood?

 

reading through these boards, I have often come across a common theme: the dumper or dumpee breaks NC to apologise and to clear the air because the last time they spoke with the ex some really REALLY nasty things were said, they had a HORRIBLE fight, and they believe in karma or whatever and they dont want their last contact with the ex to be this horrible fight

 

so they contact their ex basically to say sorry for how I behaved, hope you are doing well, please accept my apology, etc.

 

this is a common theme, and I have seen posts from both the dumper and dumpee asking if it is okay to break nc to do this....

 

I understand why people want to, they dont like having bad blood, they want to ease their conscience, make amends, etc...

 

but has anyone here gone the other way? had the huge fight or argument with the ex, broke up, gone NC and never EVER cleared the air between you?

 

I have with several exes.... one girl who dumped me breadcrumbed me two years later and I very very very rudely told her off, had a go at her and told her to never contact me again. this was in January this year and I dont regret it, and I certainly havent contacted her to apologise for it, and never will. she was nasty to me, I have no desire to ever communicate with her again let alone be 'friends' with her or anything, and if she expects an apology from me (she doesnt, she doesnt even care, but anyway) she is going to be waiting a long time!

 

so has anyone here had anything similar? your last contact with the ex was an argument or fight and the 'bad blood' has never been cleared up? how do you feel about this? do you ever want to break NC just to 'clear the air' and apologise? or are you fine to let your last ever contact with that person be under bad circumstances?

 

tell me! :)

HeartbrokenNewbie Established Member

HeartbrokenNewbie

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Halfish... I apologised he neither acknowledged it nor apologised back x

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Ordinaryday Established Member

Ordinaryday

Posted
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Halfish... I apologised he neither acknowledged it nor apologised back x

 

I can understand not accepting and ignoring an apology, I would under the following circumstances:

 

1) it was from the dumper and they made no indication of wanting me back. if they dont want me back then I dont want their apology.

2) it came across as though it was written more to ease their guilt than out of any genuine concern that they hurt me.

Tbisb74 Established Member

Tbisb74

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Haven't spoken to my ex-h in 10 years. Marriage ended legally in 2006. And we had kids together.

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hoping2heal Established Member

hoping2heal

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We had a "thing" but I wouldn't call it a relationship. I liked him, he liked me (for a time) and then his true colors begin to surface in about 3 months time. I'm not sure this guy was for sure a true NPD, but I'll tell you he has to be about the closest I have ever come to the "genuine article".

 

Out of nowhere it was like he wanted nothing to do with me, no explanation. OK. That hurt but what do you do...comes back and does the push/pull 2 months down the line. Mind games I'd never seen before. Well, one night I chewed his ass out big time, and I do mean frikkin big time. Do I think he deserved it? Yes, every word and more. But, did I regret it? Yes I did. Not because it might have hurt his feelings (probably doesn't have any to hurt lmao) but I didn't feel good about stooping to that moron's level.

 

Yes, some people are dickheads, they do us dirty, they hurt us, what have you. We don't need to stoop to their level though. That doesn't mean we need to make things all "nicey nicey" either. I've straight up ignored people before with no explanation (and I do mean exes, while going NC).

 

But being bitter really only holds you back and keeps you from moving on and like I said, not necessary to stoop to their level.

HeartbrokenNewbie Established Member

HeartbrokenNewbie

Posted
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I can understand not accepting and ignoring an apology, I would under the following circumstances:

 

1) it was from the dumper and they made no indication of wanting me back. if they dont want me back then I dont want their apology.

2) it came across as though it was written more to ease their guilt than out of any genuine concern that they hurt me.

 

I apologised for my mistakes during the RS, no cheating etc tho.. he walked out on us without any warning and never even said goodbye to myself or my child if anyone should apologise then it should have been him... make of that what you will x

OK_computer Established Member

OK_computer

Posted
Posted
and never ever resolve the bad blood?

 

reading through these boards, I have often come across a common theme: the dumper or dumpee breaks NC to apologise and to clear the air because the last time they spoke with the ex some really REALLY nasty things were said, they had a HORRIBLE fight, and they believe in karma or whatever and they dont want their last contact with the ex to be this horrible fight

 

so they contact their ex basically to say sorry for how I behaved, hope you are doing well, please accept my apology, etc.

 

this is a common theme, and I have seen posts from both the dumper and dumpee asking if it is okay to break nc to do this....

 

I understand why people want to, they dont like having bad blood, they want to ease their conscience, make amends, etc...

 

but has anyone here gone the other way? had the huge fight or argument with the ex, broke up, gone NC and never EVER cleared the air between you?

 

I have with several exes.... one girl who dumped me breadcrumbed me two years later and I very very very rudely told her off, had a go at her and told her to never contact me again. this was in January this year and I dont regret it, and I certainly havent contacted her to apologise for it, and never will. she was nasty to me, I have no desire to ever communicate with her again let alone be 'friends' with her or anything, and if she expects an apology from me (she doesnt, she doesnt even care, but anyway) she is going to be waiting a long time!

 

so has anyone here had anything similar? your last contact with the ex was an argument or fight and the 'bad blood' has never been cleared up? how do you feel about this? do you ever want to break NC just to 'clear the air' and apologise? or are you fine to let your last ever contact with that person be under bad circumstances?

 

tell me! :)

 

Yea, I've gotten in a really nasty fight a few months ago, ended things with my ex which was mutual actually at the time, and I have no intention to of making up with her. I see her everyday, and i've had and will continue to have many chances to make up, but I refuse to. I'd rather us hate each other's guts than make up this time. nope. After more than 10 fights, I'm worn out. To me, it's fake plastic trees.

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Ordinaryday Established Member

Ordinaryday

Posted
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Yea, I've gotten in a really nasty fight a few months ago, ended things with my ex which was mutual actually at the time, and I have no intention to of making up with her. I see her everyday, and i've had and will continue to have many chances to make up, but I refuse to. I'd rather us hate each other's guts than make up this time. nope. After more than 10 fights, I'm worn out. To me, it's fake plastic trees.

 

I never have, still dont, and never will understand why some people desire to 'make peace' with their ex.

 

I actually PREFER to be on bad terms with a woman who dumped me.

 

people ask me why, But I think the answer is obvious:

 

when you are on bad terms with the ex and you hate them and or they hate you it is EASIER to get over them, out of sight out of mind and all that. there is also MUCH LESS chance of a dumper sending a breadcrumb when they think you hate them and they are not sure if you will be mean to them in reply. when they hate you and or you hate them it is MUCH easier to move on from the relationship, than with someone you still love and who was nice to you.

 

one ex kept breadcrumbing me and she wasnt taking a hint so I was really nasty to her in response to one, scared her off and she will never contact me again. maybe I was mean but I didnt see how else to make her get the hint that I just want her to leave me alone and never breadcrumb me~

  • Like 1
Amelie1980 Established Member

Amelie1980

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Dumper broke NC last summer 2013. He wasnt clever enough and I through talking to me let slip when he started seeing his new woman. ....about 3 months before he broke up with me.

 

He had blamed me for the break up for a silly argument but I realised that he used it as an excuse to blame me and he was cheating.

 

I went ape on him...called him a fraud a liar, I never knew him, and he was horrible back. He was just annoyed I caught him out and no apology nothing from him after he cheated, lied and blamed me for everything.

 

I told him good riddance. I am glad that was the last thing I ever said to him and that he knows I know what a low life he is.

hoping2heal Established Member

hoping2heal

Posted
Posted
I never have, still dont, and never will understand why some people desire to 'make peace' with their ex.

 

I actually PREFER to be on bad terms with a woman who dumped me.

people ask me why, But I think the answer is obvious:

 

when you are on bad terms with the ex and you hate them and or they hate you it is EASIER to get over them, out of sight out of mind and all that. there is also MUCH LESS chance of a dumper sending a breadcrumb when they think you hate them and they are not sure if you will be mean to them in reply. when they hate you and or you hate them it is MUCH easier to move on from the relationship, than with someone you still love and who was nice to you.

 

one ex kept breadcrumbing me and she wasnt taking a hint so I was really nasty to her in response to one, scared her off and she will never contact me again. maybe I was mean but I didnt see how else to make her get the hint that I just want her to leave me alone and never breadcrumb me~

 

Disagree

 

You don't have to hate someone to move on. You can accept the loss. I've been bread crumbed plenty after bad terms - someone will try whether there is bad blood or not, if they are determined enough.

 

I don't hate any of my exes and I'm perfectly fine with not having them in my life. I've accepted the loss and moved on.

 

I don't think you hate your ex. You are still pretty consumed by her. Just because your thoughts turn to the negative doesn't mean you are any more over your ex than if you were all pie in the sky and blue moons over Montana.

 

I think you're really hurt and seem to think being angry is going to make the hurt better. It just makes the hurt uglier and stick around longer.

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Ordinaryday Established Member

Ordinaryday

Posted
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Disagree

 

You don't have to hate someone to move on. You can accept the loss. I've been bread crumbed plenty after bad terms - someone will try whether there is bad blood or not, if they are determined enough.

 

I don't hate any of my exes and I'm perfectly fine with not having them in my life. I've accepted the loss and moved on.

 

I don't think you hate your ex. You are still pretty consumed by her. Just because your thoughts turn to the negative doesn't mean you are any more over your ex than if you were all pie in the sky and blue moons over Montana.

 

I think you're really hurt and seem to think being angry is going to make the hurt better. It just makes the hurt uglier and stick around longer.

 

oh you do get over the hate and when you get over the hate it doesnt mean you like them again, it just means you want absolutely nothing to do with them ever again.

 

there was a guy who used to torment me in high school, stole my lunch money, bullied me, humiliated me and so on.

 

I have long gotten over it and I dont cry every night over it, nor did he traumatise me. but I still remember what he did, and I will never forget it.

 

and if that bully were to reach out to me on facebook or whatever to apologise he would be deleted without responding. just because I dont cry myself to sleep over him every night does not mean I would ever ever let someone like that back in my life, ever!

 

I think of dumpers in the same way!

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Priv Established Member

Priv

Posted
Posted
I never have, still dont, and never will understand why some people desire to 'make peace' with their ex.

 

I actually PREFER to be on bad terms with a woman who dumped me.

 

 

I disagree too. While I never had a mutual breakup always having been the dumpee, the breakups were amicable to the extent that is actually possible in a breakup. I bear no ill feelings to those women, and have gotten something out of the RS.

 

 

Last breakup (and RS too tbh) was nasty beyond belief, all from her side. I am not one to hurt someone by words of actions. Never will and never have. But the feeling that a nasty breakup brings is one of wasting a huge amount of time and effort and love. I will never be able to look back at that RS and be able to say, yea we had a good time or I have learned something from it or whatever. It just left a black hole in my life's history.

 

 

So yea, I definitely favor non-nasty breakups. Healthier for the soul.

cavalier99 Established Member

cavalier99

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Hmmm my ex of 8 years cheated and dumped me for another guy so it ended with me quite upset. In fact was certain I'd either go crazy or die the 1st month after the BU :)

 

Now we are friendly and talk every so often. She is still with the guy she dumped me for. I couldnt care less. any emotional bond or attraction between us was severed with hard core NC. I can barley remember what I was so upset about!! LOL

 

She did me a favor breaking up with me and I'll always be grateful. My new girl is great and is heading towards marriage.

 

It gets better guys. You don't see it now but it is almost impossible not to recover. And you won't ever want back with your ex even if they beg. PURE NC will burn that out of you and you'll eventually be happy you went thru it.

 

Rock on! Cav

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carl777 Member

carl777

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Hmmm my ex of 8 years cheated and dumped me for another guy so it ended with me quite upset. In fact was certain I'd either go crazy or die the 1st month after the BU :)

 

Now we are friendly and talk every so often. She is still with the guy she dumped me for. I couldnt care less. any emotional bond or attraction between us was severed with hard core NC. I can barley remember what I was so upset about!! LOL

 

She did me a favor breaking up with me and I'll always be grateful. My new girl is great and is heading towards marriage.

 

It gets better guys. You don't see it now but it is almost impossible not to recover. And you won't ever want back with your ex even if they beg. PURE NC will burn that out of you and you'll eventually be happy you went thru it.

 

Rock on! Cav

 

My ex cheated and dumped me for another guy as well but there's NO WAY I'll ever be "friendly" with her. I'm just happy she's out of my life.

  • Like 3
cavalier99 Established Member

cavalier99

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My ex cheated and dumped me for another guy as well but there's NO WAY I'll ever be "friendly" with her. I'm just happy she's out of my life.

 

Haha i can understand how you feeI.

 

I wanted my ex to get fat get dumped then explode and die!!!

 

Now I just don't care any more. We were friends for years before going out and a lot of the rs was fine. I just let it all.go...no more resentments or anger. Much healthier for me lol

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Eternal Sunshine Established Member

Eternal Sunshine

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*raises hand*

 

Ton of bad blood with my ex that never got resolved and we are not on speaking terms. As far as I am concerned I have nothing to apologize for. I wouldn't accept his apology either.

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Dork Vader Established Member

Dork Vader

Posted
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There are two ex'es I am on bad terms with.

 

1. I gave everything too. She stood me up on my birthday and ran around saying she was using me. When I finally said step it up or I'm gone I got a I'm not that type of girl. The very next day she went to eat with some other dude.. She went to my best friends work too. Not cool.. My final text to her was on my birthday. You're the most selfish person I know. Please do me a favor delete my number. ?

 

2. The short story.. Caught her sexting her best friends husband, she gave me an STD, she then sexted an ex of hers. I dumped her over the sexting. We then tried to work it out. I suddenly got a "i don't feel the same anymore. I don't think you're going to change blah blah blah." At this point I had enough and went off. My response was basically telling her I thought she was selfish immature and that she ruined our relationship not me. If she had not been promiscuous none of it would have happened. Despite all of the BS you put me through I'm still here for YOU hoping you'll see the light. I don't need or want friends as selfish as you. I then deleted her from facebook and asked her to delete me from her life.

 

Say sorry? No.. She could come beg at my door and I'd tell her to get lost.

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OK_computer Established Member

OK_computer

Posted
Posted
There are two ex'es I am on bad terms with.

 

1. I gave everything too. She stood me up on my birthday and ran around saying she was using me. When I finally said step it up or I'm gone I got a I'm not that type of girl. The very next day she went to eat with some other dude.. She went to my best friends work too. Not cool.. My final text to her was on my birthday. You're the most selfish person I know. Please do me a favor delete my number.

 

2. The short story.. Caught her sexting her best friends husband, she gave me an STD, she then sexted an ex of hers. I dumped her over the sexting. We then tried to work it out. I suddenly got a "i don't feel the same anymore. I don't think you're going to change blah blah blah." At this point I had enough and went off. My response was basically telling her I thought she was selfish immature and that she ruined our relationship not me. If she had not been promiscuous none of it would have happened. Despite all of the BS you put me through I'm still here for YOU hoping you'll see the light. I don't need or want friends as selfish as you. I then deleted her from facebook and asked her to delete me from her life.

 

Say sorry? No.. She could come beg at my door and I'd tell her to get lost.

 

 

Dude..! Same song with me with both my exes as well. I got used too for everything from expensive dinners, trips, gas, loans, the works. I've had to stop everything I was going at the drop of a hat just so she can get dropped at the airport on time, to have dinner with her parents, to fkng feed her dog, babysit her dam brother. Not to mention the BS i had to deal with before we got together.

 

You know what she said when we had our breakup argument? "YOU TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME" Are you serious? I put my life on the line for her ungrateful sorry ass and she says I take advantage of her? 2 days later shes flirting up my best friend at his work that night she had sex with him. She still owes me $5000 dollars. Also, I cosigned a loan for her car, since her credit sucks cuz shes a stupid hippie that listens to phish and the grateful dead all day. She volunteers, she doesn't have job. Wants to live only a damn shopping cart to her name, meanwhile i have to pay for her everywhere we go.

 

And now i see her in the fking halls and you know what she does? NOTHING. She stares at me, and I give her the meanest stare back, that's not breaking NC. Frankly I want to break NC to call her every name I can find on urban dictionary, but nope, I walk by.

 

So to all those people say "dude too much time has passed" "I'm on good terms with my ex" "stop holding grudges" please spare me. She's not getting a 'hi' SORRY TO BURST YOUR BUBBLE. rant off

  • Like 3
newmoon Established Member

newmoon

Posted
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yep, it ended on bad terms and i went straight to NC (he did too) and we never broke it. he was the cheater and never apologized and i wouldn't have listened anyway - i don't forgive a cheater. he *just* texted me last week after 1 year and 2 months of NC. i deleted it and will never speak to this person ever again. there is no need to be "friends." people who think friendship with an ex is possible are crazy deluded imo. it's a crutch of some sort for someone who doesn't have the strength to let go of the past.

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No Limit Established Member

No Limit

Posted
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Doesn't matter to me if it gets "resolved" or not - and let's be honest here, you'll never get to hear what you'd like to hear in this life - I'd go NC immediately. Look forward to the future, you can't do anything to change the past anyway.

  • Like 3
mtnbiker3000 Established Member

mtnbiker3000

Posted
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Haha i can understand how you feeI.

 

I wanted my ex to get fat get dumped then explode and die!!!

 

Now I just don't care any more. We were friends for years before going out and a lot of the rs was fine. I just let it all.go...no more resentments or anger. Much healthier for me lol

 

Cav - Are ya back cause your new girl didn't work out, or just popping in for a bit??

Missy0724 Established Member

Missy0724

Posted
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My last BF was divorced; his wife divorced him bc he cheated on her. He still pissed off two years later, because SHE wasn't a "friend" to her, when he needed her, she should have stayed and worked it out, taken him back. He pissed she "abandoned" him with divorce. Hello.

 

So now he's still very angry at her, can't be in the same room as her, calls her a bi*ch, hasn't accepted, is bothered that she is dating.

 

This the WHOLE time he was with me, for 9 months.

 

How do you like them apples?

 

I believe if you still angry, you are feeling SOMETHING, so you are not over that person. It's when you feel apathy, could give a crap what they doing with their personal life, that you are over them. Whatever happened in the past, is in the past. And it's over. What does being angry at them do, or get you?

 

It gets you being still attached to them in some way, still getting some kind of positive reinforcement, that's what. And when you are not over someone, that is better than NOTHING.

 

My ex couldn't tell me to my face that he NOT in love with her.

 

Hence our relationship fell apart and we are no longer together. Thank goodness. No sloppy seconds, thank you. And no BF's with anger issues.

Dork Vader Established Member

Dork Vader

Posted
Posted
My last BF was divorced; his wife divorced him bc he cheated on her. He still pissed off two years later, because SHE wasn't a "friend" to her, when he needed her, she should have stayed and worked it out, taken him back. He pissed she "abandoned" him with divorce. Hello.

 

So now he's still very angry at her, can't be in the same room as her, calls her a bi*ch, hasn't accepted, is bothered that she is dating.

 

This the WHOLE time he was with me, for 9 months.

 

How do you like them apples?

 

I believe if you still angry, you are feeling SOMETHING, so you are not over that person. It's when you feel apathy, could give a crap what they doing with their personal life, that you are over them. Whatever happened in the past, is in the past. And it's over. What does being angry at them do, or get you?

 

It gets you being still attached to them in some way, still getting some kind of positive reinforcement, that's what. And when you are not over someone, that is better than NOTHING.

 

My ex couldn't tell me to my face that he NOT in love with her.

 

Hence our relationship fell apart and we are no longer together. Thank goodness. No sloppy seconds, thank you. And no BF's with anger issues.

 

I agree to some extent. My break up was recent (a week ago Monday). My anger, hurt, disappointment and so on are simmering out.

 

 

But I would not be open to a friendship with her. Even after my negative feelings towards her settle out. We are not friends she is my ex. I don't need or want people like her in my life. I gave her multiple chances to change. I gave her multiple chances to treat me right. What could I possibly gain from friendship with her? nothing..

 

 

She in general made me feel like crap. If she asks for forgiveness.. Perhaps i'll say I forgive you but I can't maintain a friendship with you.

  • Like 2
Harradin Established Member

Harradin

Posted
Posted (edited)

Me too.

 

The ex cheated on me with my friend and ran off with him a couple of years ago.

 

The ex then kept contacting me and telling mutual friends that she wasn't sure she made the right decision etc. Stupidly, I contacted her to tell her to choose between him or me. She chose him, I told her this is the last time she'd ever speak to me and she got angry and stormed off telling me how it was "my loss."

 

I went NC and haven't heard from or seen her since. The last thing I heard was she cheated on the friend she left me for, for one of his friends, so justice was served.

 

I have a feeling that she might try and worm herself back in and try apologize, and quite frankly I'd distance myself as far as I possibly can. She's nothing to me and she'd only apologize to settle her own guilt.

 

I moved on and saw for myself how much better I can do :)

Edited by Harradin
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hestheone66 Established Member

hestheone66

Posted
Posted

Very toxic 12 year relationship. I finally escaped after the last verbal fight. Continued in same house for 2 months without acknowledging his presence while I plotted my way out. After I left I didn't respond to his attempts to contact for a few more months. As we had a child I would pick him up from his dads a few times a week and just be civil. I'm not vindictive but he had been a narcissist charmer and felt I needed very strong boundaries. After about a year of civility he saw me on a dating site and publicly called me names etc even to my son. I told him that day to never ever speak or contact me again. My son was old enough to maintain a relationship on his own terms (but chose not to) I haven't heard from him since oct 2010. His two friends abandoned him during our break up. He is jobless and living in a shelter as I had been the one he used for essentials and financial support for all those years when I felt I owed him my loyalty even though I knew he couldn't really love.

In short nc helped me reclaim my family from a snakey manipulator

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