nyfan1992 Posted August 3, 2014 Posted August 3, 2014 I met my girlfriend in college and we had dated for about a year and a half. While our relationship was better than others I had before, there were still many issues. She suffered from depression and had many insecurities that negatively affected our relationship. In addition, she was still hung up on a past relationship and I couldn't help but feel like I was a rebound. She would often make comments about wanting other guys to flirt with her or comments that suggested I wasn't good enough for her. She also made slutty comments which made me very uncomfortable. She claimed these comments stemmed from her own insecurities and fears that she wasn't good enough for me since I am very outgoing and a fair amount of girls do flirt with me, but I wasn't buying it. In my opinion, if you love someone and you're satisfied with someone you won't ever think, let alone tell your partner, about other people. She also often struggled showing me any form of affection or intimacy, which were big red flags for me. Besides those issues, my friends and family didn't really like her. She was so shy to the point where she'd sit in the corner of the room and make no effort to talk my friends. Some friends thought she was ok, as they didn't have any problems with her but didn't think she was anything special. Other friends thought she came across rude and acted like a ***** because she didn't make any effort to talk to them. They saw her as the one who "cared less" in the relationship and thought I was just settling with her and could do better. My family used to think she was nice, but shared my friends' feelings that I could do better. My family's feelings about her took a drastic turn for the worst when my girlfriend drunkenly told my sister that she has sex with me. Now my family is VERY religious so my sister was very upset when she heard that. Eventually my parents found out and they wanted nothing to do with her anymore. Besides the moral aspect of the issue, they thought it was very disrespectful that she told my sister that and I actually do agree with that. So I found myself in a situation where both my friends and family didn't like her, and I was holding on to the pipe dream that they were wrong and things could get better. I started dealing with a lot of drama from my friends and family and her, and my life got very stressful as a result. I asked my girlfriend for a break so we could give each other space to work everything out. During the break we went through ups and downs. Some days we'd be very positive and affectionate. Others, I would realize that my friends and family were right and would get furious about the things she said or did to me. Today, we were talking about issues with my family's feelings about her, and my girlfriend called my sister a bitch for telling my family that we have sex. I value my family above everything and I will not tolerate anyone saying something hurtful like that about them. I immediately broke up with her and blocked her on every social media site. Calling my sister reinforced everything I suspected about her: she doesn't care about me or the people I care about. I actually feel a huge wave of relief about my decision. I always knew it would never work out because my friends and family didn't like her. She's the type of girl who bounced from relationship to relationship before me, and I'm sure she'll have another boyfriend soon after me. Also, her calling my sister a bitch finally gave a real, concrete reason to let go of any hope and end the relationship. I'm not saying I'm perfect, and I certainly made some mistakes throughout our relationship, but I really loved her and I tried to treat her the best I could. I feel pretty sad and discouraged that I didn't get that same love and effort back from her. While I know I made the right decision to end it with her, I have a personality flaw of caring TOO much and I know I will still be dwelling on her and missing her sometimes. It makes me sadder knowing how quickly she will probably move on from me, and how hard it will be for me to feel ready to move on. I guess I'm trying to figure out how I can move on from her soon and get on with my life. I just graduated college in May and have a job I love, so i don't want this dragging me down during an exciting time in my life. Also, I want to figure out what I'm doing wrong and why I can never find the right girl. Every relationship I've had I've always been the one who invested more and ended up with people my friends and family didn't approve of. I worry that I'll keep making the same mistakes and never meet the right girl for me. I'm 22 and I know I'm still young, but I just want to find someone who's just as crazy about me as I am about her and someone who my friends and family love me being with.
d0nnivain Posted August 3, 2014 Posted August 3, 2014 There are a lot of changes in your life & this relationship change is just one more in what feels like an unstable, ever shifting world. However, since you mentioned that all of your friends & family didn't like her, there must have been a fundamental flaw that you were too blinded by love / lust to see. Therefore I think this break up is probably in your long term best interests.
Author nyfan1992 Posted August 6, 2014 Author Posted August 6, 2014 I broke up with my girlfriend of 1.5 years a few days ago. I was the only one who wanted it, and in fact she begged me to stay. I primarily broke up with her because of her immaturity, her difficulty in expressing affection and intimacy, insensitive comments she made about her sexual past and wanting guys to flirt with her WHILE dating me, and the fact that both my friends and family thought she wasn't good to me and I could do better. Despite these issues, she wasn't as bad as it may seem. I was generally happy with her and no matter how mad I got at her at times, I kept feeling this pull to stay with her. Even now, I still feel that pull to go back to her and get so tempted to call her and tell her I can't live without her. I don't understand why even when I know in my heart that I could do better and everyone else is telling me the same, I still can't move on. She had written me a letter a few weeks ago when I first brought up the possibility of breaking up, and in it she told me how much I mean to her and how she's going to therapy and trying so hard to fix her problems because she wants to be better for me. I feel incredibly guilty that she was trying so hard to stay with me and basically begging me to and I still turned her down. The guilt kills me more than anything. I also feel so empty now. I feel like a big piece of myself is missing and that I'm lost. Could it be that this pull is because I'm meant to be with her, or is just that being with her is the comfortable thing to do so I won't be lonely? I could really use some advice.
melodicintention Posted August 6, 2014 Posted August 6, 2014 Despite these issues, she wasn't as bad as it may seem. I was generally happy with her and no matter how mad I got at her at times, I kept feeling this pull to stay with her. Even now, I still feel that pull to go back to her and get so tempted to call her and tell her I can't live without her. Sound like you are caving into fear of being alone and settling for someone who isn't 100% of what you want. Most people seem to do this. All I can say is move on and find the woman that does do it for you 100%. Don't be desperate and living in that "I don't want to be alone" zone. Could it be that this pull is because I'm meant to be with her, or is just that being with her is the comfortable thing to do so I won't be lonely? Who "means" it to be? You? "God?" I'm an existentialist (agnostic) so IMO if you put meaning onto it, you have meaning. Otherwise you are questioning if there is some divine reason you should be with this person, and if there was, then you'd be with them.
SummerLuvR Posted August 6, 2014 Posted August 6, 2014 You should let her go find someone who KNOWS they want to be with her. Don't string her along because you feel guilty, lonely, unsure. If you really truly loved her you wouldn't let her be the only one trying to make this work. Be strong and find what you need and let her find the same.
Author nyfan1992 Posted August 6, 2014 Author Posted August 6, 2014 I appreciate your thoughts melodicintention. Now that I have reflected on it more, I spent much of the relationship wishing and trying to change her into someone who does it 100% for me. You're probably right that I'm living in that "I don't want to be alone" zone. Thank you.
Author nyfan1992 Posted August 6, 2014 Author Posted August 6, 2014 SummerLuvR, I didn't say this in my original post for the purposes of being short and to the point, but up until now, for almost our entire relationship I was the only one trying to make this work. She would talk a lot about her ex-boyfriend to the point that it was pretty obvious she had feelings for him. I treated her the best I could, but she still wanted other guys to flirt with her to boost her self-esteem. And she admittedly was more affectionate with me in the beginning so I would want to be with her, but got lazy and didn't see the need to try as much once we were in a relationship. I had to go to therapy to try to get over the hurtful things she said to me. I tried so hard to justify the things she said and forget about them. It's only now that I want to break up with her that I've seen her legitimately trying to fix her problems as she should have a year ago! For so long, I WANTED to be with her and it was her who seemed she was undecided. Please make no mistake, I did try my best to make this work.
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