Dallas Eyes Posted August 3, 2014 Posted August 3, 2014 My ex fiancé is a Muslim. I was born a Catholic, but was not actively religious in any way after the age of 12. We were together from 2008 to 2011; we ran off together in 2009 when both of our parents found out we were seeing each other. I was 22 at the time and really naïve, and was scared for her. I knew that she was not allowed to be with a non-Muslim guy. I voiced my fears of honor-killings, and things in a similar light. I didn’t know her parents very well, and I don’t think we would have ran off together if I had known that they would have never hurt their daughter in any way. It was silly, and cringe-worthy looking back at it. We lived in the downtown area, and had a great life. I managed to get a job in the Insurance industry. I was paid salary, and was able to send her to school to become a Certified Nurses Assistant in hopes that she would eventually become a nurse, with some work and time spent in the field. Everything was going well, we started out with nothing, no car, no jobs etc to having 2 cars, a nice rented house in the city. Soon we began talking of marriage, and I eventually proposed. I loved her so much then. I often realized I loved her more than my own mother ( as emo as that sounds). I even converted to Islam to sate her family. To me, religion just wasn’t an issue. I was willing to become Muslim to be with the girl I loved. I would have sacrificed even more if I had to. We had an immense barrier when she tested positive on a pregnancy test. I didn’t think I would be able to support a child, but I didn’t say anything. For a week and a half, the plan was that we would have the child. When we went to the doctor for an affirmation, she decided on her own, that we would have an abortion. Secretly, I was relieved. It is certainly the biggest regret of my life. The summer of 2011, her family wanted her to go to Jordan with them. I was stalwartedly against the idea. Thinking still, that they would stone her, or brainwash her into leaving me. I was correct about the latter. She called me on the phone that summer and broke my heart, shattered my world into a billion insignificant pieces. I spent the remainder of the summer drowning in drugs and alcohol, having meaningless philanderings with easy women. I quit my job, sold one of the cars and moved back home. I needed to be with supportive people. I was 24, when my father said he would pay for me to finish my Undergraduate degree. He then helped me reach the decision to attend medical school. When she got back to the states, she immediately came to see me. We cried and hugged, drank heavily and slept together. These instances continued sporadically until January of 2012, when she finally said to me that “it didn’t feel right”. I was gutted. After this last incident she became quite cruel to me. Recounting the number of guys she was with in gory detail. I listened in horror on each occasion, and the pain deepened. It came to a head one night when I was dog-sitting for some friends, and she called me “pathetic” and that she could “have me at the drop of a hat”. After she left me sobbing like the pathetic man that I was, I walked into my friends’ bedroom, picked up a gun, walked in to the bathroom, placed the barrel to my temple, and at this potentially last moment on earth for me, my phone rang. My best friend called me! I told him what had happened and he came over immediately. I have never contemplated suicide before or since. I cut ties with her by phone the next day. I dated some great girls I met at school, bars, shows (I was in a decent local band in Dallas, and we put out an album in 2012. Needless to say, I met lots of girls, and had a healthy dating life). I even dated a very famous player of the Dallas Cowboys daughter! I won’t say who though, that’s not cool. Of course, I couldn’t stop thinking of her. Every time I thought I had found someone new I saw her face, wondered where she was, who she was with. What I had done so terribly wrong to lose her. I believed we were tragically bound because of that little baby we should have had together. I just couldn’t shake her out of my mind. I still loved her. A year passed since I had seen her. I couldn’t hold back one day, thinking about what could have been, and I ended up calling her old number. It was still hers and we re-connected over beers. This time we were not physical. After a month, when I realized how I felt about her, I got a diamond ring and asked her to marry me again. She cried and said no. This was no surprise. It hurt a bit, but I was expecting it. My point was, that if I didn’t ask her once more, the fault would definitely be on her end, not mine. I would have done everything I could to be with her. I felt now it would be easier to move on. After some time, we were being friendly. I thought friendship was an acceptable alternative to marrying her. Soon she revealed that her parents wanted her married, and to a Muslim man. Of course, she was not allowed to be seeing men outside of the religion. Then she began talking to me about a guy at her work. She had been sleeping with him for months, even though she admitted he was a bit strange, and incredibly, he was not a Muslim! I was so hurt that she was pursuing non-Muslim men again after all the pain I had experienced. It was like she had learned nothing. I cut ties with her again. Months passed. Upon reflecting about what fatherhood would have been like (I think about this a lot), and remaining decidedly unhappy with the women I’d been dating in the last 4 months or so, I couldn’t restrain myself. I picked up the phone again and called her. We had drinks and saw each other 3 nights a week. We Karaoked together, she would sit on my lap in front of her friends, whisper that she loved me, call me cute, grab my rear-end. We even cuddled up a couple of nights. There was no sex, we just held each other. Yesterday was her birthday. She had been acting strange all week, and said she just wanted to spend the day with me at my pool, drink and talk. Then, she came over, was very curt and rude in some ways. Then she picked up her purse and said she had to go get her cousin, who recently moved from Jordan, knows very little English and needs constant looking after. I said OK. She left in a hurry, but sent me a text inviting me to her birthday party in uptown. I acquiesced, thinking it might be weird seeing people who had known us together from the days when we lived together in 2008-2011. She said, don’t worry it’s just gonna be the girls. She sent multiple messages telling me to come out, and called me twice before I finally said I would go. We had a nice meal before going to uptown and her cousin was very cute with her foreign mannerisms, and broken English. I teased my ex about her age a bit, and then started playing pool with her cousin, and air hockey. My ex started looking jealous and then dived into furious texting and casting dark looks at us from the corners of her eyes. Rest assured, I had no interest in her cousin, I just wanted to have a little fun playing bar games. I peeked at my ex’s phone to see who had texted her numerous times in the last few moments. It was a guy named Ehad on snapchat. I did not see the messages themselves, just the name of the sender. I was not concerned. She had said this guy was no more than a friend. I was taken slightly aback when Ehad showed up at her birthday party, which was supposed to be an all girls affair. He was a tall, good looking Muslim dude. At this point, I wasn’t too worried about the situation. He was after all just her friend, and hell, I wasn’t kidding myself into thinking that my ex and I were going to be alone together. Ehad didn’t take his eyes off of her the entire night. She didn’t seem to pay him any mind, but that may have just increased his interest. It was obvious what his goal was for the night. My ex sat to my left and he was to my right. They were speaking in Arabic over me, and I began feeling a bit left out. I called a cab and bid everyone goodnight. I sat at the front of the bar peering out into the night for the cab. Suddenly, I see my ex’s cousin come strolling by with a friend, and they say goodnight and that they were going back home. I was confused as I thought my ex was supposed to be looking after her cousin. Suddenly, it clicked. She had gotten rid of her cousin so she could hang out with whom she really wanted to. I was a bit drunk, so I went back out and asked her what was up. She was very surprised to see that I was still there, but I called her out on sending her cousin home with her friend. I said I knew what she was doing, and I left the bar before I could make a bigger ass of myself. I spent the rest of the night hanging out with my friend and just getting stupid drunk. I ended up sending my ex two messages: The first said I knew that she sent her cousin home so she could be alone with Ehad, but waited for me to go so I wouldn’t think there was anything between them. The second said I knew we would not end up together, but why did she even invite me to her b-day? I realize this is an unhealthy relationship. But I love her so much still. She’s just going to break my heart when she ends up marrying someone else. It’s so easy for women in that community. We had a deal, after the relationship ended in 2011, that if neither of us were married by the time I was 30, we were just going to elope. Since then, she has reneged on this, though honestly it was a stupid thing to agree upon anyway. She also has said she wishes we had never broken up, and that it was the biggest mistake of her life. I know I’m getting played hard, but I have never had feelings as strong for anyone before her or since. I don’t know what to do. I guess I am jealous, but was that what she was trying to do the whole time? Was she using me for emotional support? Why was she so secretive about this Ehad guy? Why do I even care!? I can’t help the way I feel about her. How should I proceed? I just don’t know what to do.
newmoon Posted August 3, 2014 Posted August 3, 2014 i think you might need some help and support from people outside the Internet and message boards, perhaps there is a counselor you could talk to, or something like that. it is not normal, under any circumstances, to put a gun to your head because of a breakup - that itself speaks of emotional issues that you need to sort through. although you, luckily, didn't do anything to yourself there is still the possibility of future issues as long as this girl remains in your life. 'normal' people do not want to shoot themselves when someone breaks their heart. you need some support and to talk things through with someone so that you can move forward in a positive and healthy way. the first step is to break all contact with this girl, the second step is to find someone to talk to. best of luck.
Author Dallas Eyes Posted August 3, 2014 Author Posted August 3, 2014 The next day, I realized how completely nuts that was. I would never do that again. It's actually been 2 years since that incident, and I have never contemplated that type of foolishness since. I have a lot going for me right now, and I would have missed out on that if I had acted upon that sentiment. Some of my friends, both guys and girls have really been there for me through the last couple of years. It has been wonderful to be able to talk about it with them. I have gone into great detail with them on everything including the "gun" incident.
Recommended Posts