Slept together 5 days after breakup

[zaneoligray]

On Monday my exboyfriend broke up with me over some stupid fight.

I know our problem has always been the same, I don't feel like I'm as important to him as his (and our) friends. Even though I know he cares about me much more, but I just still fought with him here and there about this.

So finally, we broke up. And we decided to still be best friends since we were.

We rely on each other a lot, and have already had so many plans for the upcoming weeks.

Yesterday we went to a friend's party together, no one knew that we broke up. So we still act like we are together. And we did have great time. Nothing awkward between us.

And he came back to my place after the party. We were laying down and chatting, and I felt that he wanted to kiss me. I let him, but didn't respond in a very passionate way since I didn't want to have sex with him. (Not that I wasn't attracted to him anymore, but I know we shouldn't. Otherwise it'll be friends with benefit all over again...yes, we did that before we got together.)

 

So no, we didn't have sex last night.

BUT, this morning, he tried again...and we finally did it... Not that I want it to happen, but I didn't say no either.

 

Then we agreed not to do this again, because we want to keep our friendship.

I figure it's better that we can be friends now and try to be together later again. I really want him back. But not by using sex, I want him to want me back.

 

And this had sex thing just made me really self-loathing.

I want to take it slow and remind him how happy we are just hanging out and be simple. And if it works out, we will eventually be together. But since we had sex, I just felt so bad and not fair.

 

We are still going to do lots things together as we planned before breaking up. He still acts normal and texted me if I had fun. But I just don't know what to do anymore. Not sure if I'll ever get him back.

 

self-loathing x 100000000

[newmoon]

sex won't keep a guy who isn't interested in you. it'll only keep him coming around because he knows you will keep putting out or eventually break down. you can't be friends for a really long time after a break-up. so make up your mind and stick to it. are you with him or not? there won't be a friendship. that is a guise for keeping someone in your life, as you are both doing.

[mammasita]

On Monday my exboyfriend broke up with me over some stupid fight.

I know our problem has always been the same, I don't feel like I'm as important to him as his (and our) friends. Even though I know he cares about me much more, but I just still fought with him here and there about this.

So finally, we broke up. And we decided to still be best friends since we were.

We rely on each other a lot, and have already had so many plans for the upcoming weeks.

Yesterday we went to a friend's party together, no one knew that we broke up. So we still act like we are together. And we did have great time. Nothing awkward between us.

And he came back to my place after the party. We were laying down and chatting, and I felt that he wanted to kiss me. I let him, but didn't respond in a very passionate way since I didn't want to have sex with him. (Not that I wasn't attracted to him anymore, but I know we shouldn't. Otherwise it'll be friends with benefit all over again...yes, we did that before we got together.)

 

So no, we didn't have sex last night.

BUT, this morning, he tried again...and we finally did it... Not that I want it to happen, but I didn't say no either.

 

Then we agreed not to do this again, because we want to keep our friendship.

I figure it's better that we can be friends now and try to be together later again. I really want him back. But not by using sex, I want him to want me back.

 

And this had sex thing just made me really self-loathing.

I want to take it slow and remind him how happy we are just hanging out and be simple. And if it works out, we will eventually be together. But since we had sex, I just felt so bad and not fair.

 

We are still going to do lots things together as we planned before breaking up. He still acts normal and texted me if I had fun. But I just don't know what to do anymore. Not sure if I'll ever get him back.

 

self-loathing x 100000000

You won't get him back by sleeping with him or "just being friends". You're giving him the benefits of YOU and a relationship without the responsibilities of one.

[zaneoligray]

I want to get him back. And I don't want to sleep with him to get him back.

I want him to want me back...

Is the NC the only way......?

[hoping2heal]

On Monday my exboyfriend broke up with me over some stupid fight.

I know our problem has always been the same, I don't feel like I'm as important to him as his (and our) friends. Even though I know he cares about me much more, but I just still fought with him here and there about this.

So finally, we broke up. And we decided to still be best friends since we were.

We rely on each other a lot, and have already had so many plans for the upcoming weeks.

Yesterday we went to a friend's party together, no one knew that we broke up. So we still act like we are together. And we did have great time. Nothing awkward between us.

And he came back to my place after the party. We were laying down and chatting, and I felt that he wanted to kiss me. I let him, but didn't respond in a very passionate way since I didn't want to have sex with him. (Not that I wasn't attracted to him anymore, but I know we shouldn't. Otherwise it'll be friends with benefit all over again...yes, we did that before we got together.)

 

So no, we didn't have sex last night.

BUT, this morning, he tried again...and we finally did it... Not that I want it to happen, but I didn't say no either.

 

Then we agreed not to do this again, because we want to keep our friendship.

I figure it's better that we can be friends now and try to be together later again. I really want him back. But not by using sex, I want him to want me back.

 

And this had sex thing just made me really self-loathing.

I want to take it slow and remind him how happy we are just hanging out and be simple. And if it works out, we will eventually be together. But since we had sex, I just felt so bad and not fair.

 

We are still going to do lots things together as we planned before breaking up. He still acts normal and texted me if I had fun. But I just don't know what to do anymore. Not sure if I'll ever get him back.

 

self-loathing x 100000000

 

Oy.

 

So, the reason he broke up with you is because of your insecure behavior? Is that right?

 

This plan of action sounds downright awful. I can already see this is going to turn into a FWB situation - even if there is no more future sex. What I mean by that is - you will be giving him the companionship and validation of a relationship without him having to commit to you. So, meanwhile you'll be continually roped in and keep your heart open for this guy while it isn't being returned.

[hoping2heal]

I want to get him back. And I don't want to sleep with him to get him back.

I want him to want me back...

Is the NC the only way......?

 

Oh Lord

 

NC does not bring an ex back. IF an ex comes back after NC, it's not the NC that did it. Either the person has time to think and legitimately realizes they see things differently and want to get back together or, (and more often) the dumper has a moment of weakness or insecurity and pulls the panic cord, reaching out only to dump or disengage within weeks or a few months.

 

Usually people mull over dumping for awhile before they actually exit. A dumper knows that dumping you means you being out of their life, so NC (Actually staying out of their life) is not about getting a dumper back. Dumpers make the decision to have you out of their life, that's why they are dumping you in the first place!

 

Yes, some still want your friendship; it makes them feel less guilty and in some cases, also offers them validation.

 

Wise ones don't want your friendship, they actually care enough about your feelings to want you to heal and move on.

[zaneoligray]

thank you all for replying.

 

The thing is we were on different places of the relationship. He'd never had one before me. We were great friends and we always had feelings for each other. But he had some self-esteem problems and he wasn't ready for a relationship. It was until I was about to give up on him and date someone else last year, he realized that he was going to lose me, and decided to give this "relationship" thing a try. But since I was the person pursuing him the whole time, I was so happy that we were finally officially and properly together. And I guess I look forward to spend the rest of my life with him while he's still on the "trying" stage. Not that I gave him a lot of pressure, but we've discuss it that I would like to just simply count me in when he's planning things. And mostly we fought for stupid things. And we got better afterwards. But he said he really was tired of fighting and better and fighting... He said he didn't think he was ready to dealing with all these in a relationship.

 

I talked to him today that I realized I didn't start from 0 with him front he beginning, and I expected more from him. So if next time I'm going to be in a relationship, no matter how close I and that person are, I still want to start from 0 and build it up together. It's important to stay on the same page.

 

I don't know under this kind of situation, how I can make him want to be in a relationship again, with me, and not to worry about the fighting. I want to be happy with him, do things together. And maybe later he'll want to be with me in a refreshing way. And knowing we'll be fine.

 

But I feel like letting him have sex with me this morning, was a mistake. He started it, but I could've stopped it...I didn't.

[hoping2heal]

So he's never had a relationship but he has had sex partners?

 

You were going to date someone else and he didn't want that, I get it. That's not the same as NC, nor is it what NC is for.

He gave the relationship a "try" and he doesn't want it anymore.

 

The sex was a mistake, but it cannot be taken back now.

 

He does still want to have sex with you, apparently doesn't think about your feelings. It's not his fault you chose to have sex with him, at the same time someone who looked out for your best interest wouldn't be putting you in that situation either. Not a very good friend.

 

If you go NC on him might he want you back as his sex partner? Possibly but what's the point. You know he's nowhere near ready for long-term, and neither are you even if that's what you want.

Edited August 3, 2014 by hoping2heal