Danimal89 Posted August 3, 2014 Posted August 3, 2014 Hey Guys, So basically I was hoping to get some peoples perspective into my current situation and thoughts about what could be done and how I could look at this. I am posting on here as my circle of friend's aren't really very open emotionally and I don't feel like I can talk to them about this type of thing. Me and my girlfriend aren't actually broken up officially at this point but the breakup is imminent I feel, as she has already cleared out her draw of belonging that she left at my place. We have known each other for about a year just only been official for 1.5 months and seeing each other for about 3 months now. We met while working together in hospitality and worked together for almost a year. I had been applying for work elsewhere and when I got a job where I was able to use my university degree and actually earn some money I handed in my notice of resignation, to when she then decided to leave that place as well - which I suspect was due to my leaving. We had always flirted with one another at work but I never knew she was actually interested in me until the end, I had liked her pretty much the whole time since she first started working there. We then went on to see each other for about a month, spending time together on our days off and getting to know each other outside of work. Then one night over dinner she announced that she was sick of waiting and that she thinks we could work being together, so she asked me to be her boyfriend. To which I of course agreed and was VERY happy, I actually thought I may have gone into a coma as this was just unbelievable. She is a drop dead gorgeous model/performer on the side while I am a reasonably hansom but shorter than average guy with a good body. She does have a lot of baggage however which includes; Severe Depression, Social Anxiety, Chronic Back and Stomach pains, Very low self esteem, Fibromyalgia (convert emotional pain into physical pain), Very Introverted nature. The list goes on really, her upbringing wasn't very nice with her parents casting her out, this is what caused most of these problems. Despite all of these things, I really like her as she is very intelligent and hard working and just great to hang out with. However, her mental state did affect our relationship quite badly as I am quite good at picking up on body language and little things people say and do, I actually over analyze most situations which is not a good thing. But this kind of upset me quite often when I wasn't around her as I couldn't figure her out and since she isn't really a girl that communicates much (she barely texts or messages anyone) it was quite hard for me during my weekdays as I was always worried whether it was going to work out for us or not. I think that her body language due to her bad days effected the way I acted when around her as it worried me if she wasn't being affectionate, she in turn noticed this and worried about me, so neither of us could relax. However when we were together she did seem happy most of the time, she was affectionate with hugging me, kissing me randomly and touching me as I walked past. Things like that make me wonder why only two weeks later things have changed for us. Due to her state she is very selective over who she will be with sexually as it is a very big and emotional step for her for reasons I will not delve into. Last week was the first time we had penetrative sex and we were both quite nervous.I think the nerves and it being the first time made it hard for either of us to get overly passionate. I do also have a feeling that she is not completely over her ex boyfriend from a year ago (they broke up not long after I met her) he really hurt her badly by cheating on her several times and a long dragged out break up (they were together for 2 years or so). He has since moved on and has another girl and doesn't really reply to my girlfriend. She mentions him more often than I would like and still has a couple of pictures of them together on her Facebook which annoys me but I told her I don't mind as I don't want to be a controlling guy like that. She explains that the pictures along with all her other pictures (over 1,000) are all part of her history and who she is. This weekend we planned to hang out and on the day we were supposed to hang out she told me that she was having one of her mental days where the she didn't feel confident and happy with herself (due to her parents first ever watching her perform on stage the previous night and then having nothing nice to say about it). But I explained that I had no other plans and then she quickly agreed to hang out. I could tell that she wasn't being herself this weekend and when I asked her what was wrong she explained that she was feeling depressed, but when I pressed a little further she explained to me that she wasn't sure if we were compatible long term as she feels that I need a girl who can give me regular attention whereas she know that with her mental state that she sometimes cant really handle hanging out with anyone and just wants to be alone. She also mentioned that the spark isn't there anymore (I assume she was referring to the weekend before when we went the whole way). This kind of reinforced my thoughts on her feelings for her ex boyfriend. Or was it just not there due to nerves and it being our first time? But basically I am just trying to find a good way to think about this that will make me happier... Do we just need a break until she sorts herself out or gets over him? Should I stay friends with her? I am hoping that if we breakup we get a chance to sit down and talk about what went wrong, I am already trying to think of what to say that wont make me look pathetic. I think I will just thank her for the good times, explain that I think we are compatible, and hope that we can stay in touch for a while. Your thoughts?
Missy0724 Posted August 3, 2014 Posted August 3, 2014 I just went thru something similar... I think the two main points you need to think about are: 1. Her mental state. Is that going to be something you can accept and deal with moving forward? Is she doing anything to manage her issues? Therapy, medication, exercise/yoga, etc? 2. You do need an answer regarding her feelings for ex. If she is choosing to be in an exclusive, intimate relationship with you - is that fair to you if her mind not 100% on your relationship? Are you ok with that? Do you think that's healthy? 3. What are your values and boundaries? Personally, bc my 9 month relationship ended bc my ex not over his ex... I know the pain you are going to experience if you continue with her, get closer with her, develop deeper feelings, and she is NOT over her ex, still has ties to him. If she wants to be with you, she should cut ties with her ex. Only fair to her, him, and you, your relationship. So you guys can maybe grow, move forward in healthy way. You will have trust issues, jealousy, etc. if she still pining for another. Believe me, it sucks. Don't tolerate that! Have some self respect! We all should be with someone only thinking of US. Kind of works best that way... Good luck!
bubbaganoosh Posted August 3, 2014 Posted August 3, 2014 . She does have a lot of baggage however which includes; Severe Depression, Social Anxiety, Chronic Back and Stomach pains, Very low self esteem, Fibromyalgia (convert emotional pain into physical pain), Very Introverted nature. The list goes on really, her upbringing wasn't very nice with her parents casting her out, this is what caused most of these problems. I could tell that she wasn't being herself this weekend and when I asked her what was wrong she explained that she was feeling depressed, but when I pressed a little further she explained to me that she wasn't sure if we were compatible long term as she feels that I need a girl who can give me regular attention whereas she know that with her mental state that she sometimes cant really handle hanging out with anyone and just wants to be alone. All the above should tell you that your in for the ride of your life. I'm in no way making fun out of her medical problems and I feel bad for her but nine times out of ten, the problems get worse and then they become yours. She at least was up front with you when she said that you need a girl who could give you the regular attention. IMO, take her advice and move on and if she still has the hots for her old bf, she still has given you your out. Take it.
Author Danimal89 Posted August 3, 2014 Author Posted August 3, 2014 Missy: 1. I feel like if I knew she was happy with me, I could happily not worry about her mood swings and other problems and let her deal with them herself and leave her to it. It's just while the relationship is so new that I was worried. I also didn't really know how to deal with it and how she deals with it (something that would have come with time I guess). 2. Yes you are right, I don't deserve to be the fall back option even if it is somewhat appealing, I just hoped that being with me would erase any thoughts of him. 3. I am not going to lie, I haven't had many girls, my last relationship was 3 years long and then 2 years with nothing and now her. I guess I am just scared that due to my height 5'7" I am doomed to be alone... I am just sort of hoping that time will help her realize that he isn't worth it and that I was a much better option.
Missy0724 Posted August 3, 2014 Posted August 3, 2014 First, it's up to HER to decide to be with you. You can't "make" her get over this other guy, or on your timeline. I just went thru this and learned the hard way! You should NEVER be an option! She wants her cake and eat it, too. And bc of her mental state, sorry, but she will most likely be "needy" and you will be in a caregiver role, friend, feeling sorry for her, trying to help her. Of course healthy to care and be supportive, but you need to be careful and think about YOU. Don't put too much into something, when you will get less in return... Honey, you've had more relationships than a lot of people! That shows you can love, and are lovable! And FYI, my last two BF's were 5'8" and 5'7". A mature woman who likes you for you, will not care about height. :-) Write down your values. Make a list of your boundaries, what is acceptable to you, and what is not. I believe you will get advice from everyone, that choosing to be with someone who not over their ex - run, don't walk. If she truly wants to be with you, maybe she'll look you up once she's processed all that and truly put it behind her. No sloppy seconds! Hold your head up high, and learn to say, NO. 2
Author Danimal89 Posted August 3, 2014 Author Posted August 3, 2014 Also, she has only has a handful of boyfriends in the past as she is very selective about who she dates, all of which have gone on and cheated on her as the reason to why things ended. I don't really understand why any guy could cheat on someone as amazing as her. Do you guys think it's most likely due to her mental state and the guys realizing that she isn't marriage material?
Author Danimal89 Posted August 3, 2014 Author Posted August 3, 2014 Missy: Thank you that was really constructive, I have read your post and thought about it quite a bit over the course of today. You are right, I shouldn't be a fall back option. I am quite open to who I will date as I am no perfect guy either. But I am not going to settle for someone that doesn't make me feel loved and who I can love in return. The problem is I really like this girl and I know she does have feelings for me as she did show quite a bit of affection, I just wish I had more time to show her the real me and show her that we are compatible... Any more thought on this subject are much appreciated 1
Missy0724 Posted August 3, 2014 Posted August 3, 2014 I think the key is if you both really like each other and have agreed to be in an exclusive relationship, you need to have a "talk". I know it's hard, bc you don't want to have some serious talk, because that might mean "pressure" or something... I get it. But if there is another person in the picture, you need to talk about it. She needs to know your feelings, concerns, as you hers. You need to talk about each other's expectations for a healthy relationship, boundaries, etc. What will work for you, and what won't. If she isn't receptive or doesn't want to talk with you, share, discuss these issues, then you will have your answer. Why stay with someone who can't open up and talk about difficult stuff? This is part of being in a relationship, friendship or otherwise. Ask her, if you had someone else in the back of your mind, not sure if you wanted to reconcile with them, still kind of attracted to them, how would SHE feel? Would she be OK with that? Communication, questions, telling her how you feel. That is hurts you, confuses you that she thinking of another. If she gets mad, turns it around on you, then you have your answer as well. And hit the road and find someone with whom you feel comfortable communicating with, opening up with, talking about difficult issues. We all have baggage. It's how we deal with it, that makes the difference. And do you want a relationship that is a "project", you are her therapist? Always hearing about her negative stuff? That's hard on you. Yes, great to be a friend and give support. But a healthy relationship should be fun, easy, relaxed, it just flows...some work, yes. But you move thru that stuff, ride the wave and everything turns out OK. You should be happy more than you are confused, asking questions, or sad. That is not healthy relationship. I've been in a few! I know! As do many others on here... Point is: No one should enter into a relationship before clearing out the old baggage first; we should be 100% emotionally available for someone new.
Missy0724 Posted August 3, 2014 Posted August 3, 2014 And Google, Rebound relationships. Perhaps this is what this is. See if that is kind of relationship you want. You should get what YOU want. That should be your main concern, not what SHE wants, or you trying to make her happy. That's not your job. Your job is to make YOU happy and be treated as you deserve. Best of Luck!
Author Danimal89 Posted August 3, 2014 Author Posted August 3, 2014 Thanks missy, yeah it can be hard to get information out of her about a lot of things actually, I think its due to her nature and her mental state. Its definitely a big problem in the relationship as it makes it hard for me to know what shes feeling and thinking which then makes me worry the whole time. But for the most part we got along very well and she was very affectionate. I don't believe this was a rebound as she had a rebound a while back. She liked me for a better part of a year before we started dating. Thats why im finding it hard to figure out what happened for her mood to change so fast. I really feel like she just isnt coping well with her depression at the moment. still not sure what im going to do. I really like this girl a lot and feel like it's a great opportunity that could be going to waste. I think I may just tell her she isnt ready to love again and that I cant be with her like this. As much as I would love to be with her. The best way for myself to cope with a breakup is for hope that we reconcile later on. I dont know why but that train of thought makes it a lot easier for me in the short and long term for some reason. Anymore thoughts on this from anyone?
todreaminblue Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 some people need time alone to process, i have mental issues i am actually tired of saying what they are ....i have them they are mine and i deal with them, i am in a funk right now because i have been quite unwell physically, feel like my body has had enough of me and i dont want to be in it anymore.....my heart is on vacation......so i feel a bit dead.... no one can help me with this other than prayer and god.....i am in a dark place.....dont know how i got here it just happened....maybe continuing injuries.....flashbacks who knows..maybe because my oldest girl is moving out and i am starting to realize my family is all going to leave me...that all i have doen is coming to an end a good end....my daughter is going to marry her partner which makes me feel good she wont end up like my heart has...............i have two more daughters to see move out into happy homes.....i pray for this......but know that is my family gone..... tired of seeing therapists tired of talking about it.....just want to sleep i had the worst heart burn two nights ago that i couldnt sleep at all.....i thought it was something i ate or maybe a heart attack ....it forced em to sit up most fo the night..........it wasnt ...it was my heart breaking again....I dont really feel any empathy reading posts on loveshack.....my heart isnt responding when i read..... depression sucks......even more so when you are a multiple being dragged along for the ride..... what i know is you cant help her , she has to do it and it isnt easy.......a lot of the hard yards are done internally not externally what you can do is be there for her when she comes back out of it, a person who suffers depression realizes who loves her and who truly care from the hands that are there at the end of the tunnel the ones who send messages of ill be there if you need me the ones who do kind things for no reason other than to just say hey thinking about ya, people who leave their lights on when its dark, so a person with depression can follow them home........those lights can just be a squeeze and a hug or a smile even when feeling down......a complete knowledge of those around her who care.......adn trust me ......she would know.......dragging someone down is not ever my intention so ill often retreat until i can have a sunny side out persona........ i dont like being down around others.....you can see it in my eyes and i dont like that.......maybe she is the same, so give her space and time and let her know you are there.......as far as a relationship goes ...its hard work......with someone with mental issues...but relationships are not always sugar...hard yards are inevitable its the world and its pressures to conform to ideals andtake the easy way out everytime...if it is too confusing for you maybe she isnt right for you.......i wish you well....deb
Missy0724 Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 I understand the whole being in a funk thing, and her having some depression. That is so hard! and I feel for her, and for you. Maybe take a step back, and yes, let her know that maybe it's not a great idea for you guys to be in a romantic relationship right now. That it might add more stress or pressure to her. And you care about her, and don't want to put anything else on her... Do you think you could just be a friend to her right now? While she is going thru this health issue? Offer to help her in any way? I don't know. Some people can do that, some cannot. Again, it's great to be a caring friend, but you have to think about yourself, too, and your wants and needs... Or maybe yes, take a break, let her figure out her stuff, try to get healthy. If you guys have feelings, care about each other - then time won't make a difference. You will find your way back to each other. She will look you up, when she is ready. If she does, great. If not, then you have your answer. And if you part ways, enjoy being single! While you can! Embrace it!
Author Danimal89 Posted August 5, 2014 Author Posted August 5, 2014 Yeah it is hard because she hasn't really talked to me about how to deal with her in those states. But I think we will be breaking up, im just not sure what I can say to her to think of me later on so we can try again once she has sorted herself out. We worked really well as friends and at the start of our relationship, its just the lack of communication that made me uneasy and she could tell. I honestly think we are very compatible. I just never really got to show her.
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