venusinlibra Posted August 3, 2014 Posted August 3, 2014 I've known this guy for about a month, and I can honestly say I fell hard for him. I've never met someone who meets all of my criteria AND thinks it's hot that I am a strong, independent woman. He had to "process things" after we had a great date and he blurted out that I was "it" for him. I let him come to me, and was astounded with what happened. He reached out to me in a frenzy, and said that he was demoted from his job (which he loves) and had to take a huge pay cut to keep it. He said he was humiliated and felt like a failure and was questioning everything, even wanting to pack up and move back home because he missed his family. He went really deep, and I empathized and helpd him problem-solve. A fee days a later, I asked him if he wanted to go to the game to take his mind off of things. He said it was thoughtful of me, but he wanted to be alone while he figured things out. I told him i was here if he needed me. A week went by and I didn't hear from him, but had a sinking feeling that something happened, and even had this dream where he told me that his grandma died. I checked in on him and it turns out that his grandma did pass away, just four days after his work issue. I empathized and told him I would keep his family in my thoughts and to let me know if he needed anything, and he was grateful. Ironically, my maternal grandmother had also passed away two years to the day earlier, and I nearly cried when we were talking about our families. I don't want to be a bother to him and I know we aren't official yet, but I don't know what to do. Never before in my nearly three and a half decades of life did I think I found the one, until I met him. I try to date, but keep thinking about him. I retreat off to be alone when I'm sad too, and I'm sure he must be embarrased from pouring his heart out to someonr he just met. I'm hopeful that he will reach out; however, how do you comfort someone who isn't even officially your boyfriend yet? Any advice? Thank you for reading this.
LostOnes05 Posted August 3, 2014 Posted August 3, 2014 I would say keep being there for him. Even pester him about how he is doing. You may think you are bothering him, but he will appreciate your thoughtfulness. I wish that a significant other would have been there for me when I had 4 back to back deaths in my family. Just don't think of his expression of emotions as weakness. Keep in contact with him despite his desire for alone time. This is really no time for him to be/feel alone. 1
smackie9 Posted August 3, 2014 Posted August 3, 2014 This could push you into the friends zone. Being there for him, will make you a reminder of all these horrible events that are happening in his life. Plus he may just be infactuated in you because he needs an escape from all this pain he is experiencing. This is not a proper time to be in his life if you are expecting a relationship. TBH he is not emotionally ready to handle it. It's bad timing. I suggest you give him space, and encourage him to turn to his family for support, and maybe him going back home to get himself together might be the best for him at this time. 3
Author venusinlibra Posted August 3, 2014 Author Posted August 3, 2014 Thanks for the two answers; I've been going back and forth between these two in the past week. I've made it clear (I think) that I'm there if he needs me and I care. We talked before any of this happened about how we handle stressors and trauma, and he said he just has to be alone and think, and he eventually figures it out. I'm concerned that if I keep giving space, he'll think that I don't care about him. On the other hand, texting/calling during this time might be intrusive. The bottom line is that I want to hear from and see him again. What should I do to ensure this? Just meeting makes it a little more tricky.
smackie9 Posted August 3, 2014 Posted August 3, 2014 When you have your head in a toilet puking your guts out, you want to be left alone right? Well this is what he is going through mentally. You don't have to worry about it, he will never feel you don't care. He just needs time to heal and work through the grief. This will be temporary, and he knows where to find you. You are going to have to put your wants for him aside until this blows over. Just tell him when he is ready to go out again, to call you and that you will pop in every now and then to see how he is doing. 1
MuffMan6969 Posted August 3, 2014 Posted August 3, 2014 You have known this guy for a month? And you feel this strongly for him? Imagine the drama after 2 months-6 months-1 yr. Tell him to call you in a year and in the meantime move on.
torturedartist Posted August 3, 2014 Posted August 3, 2014 I've known this guy for about a month, and I can honestly say I fell hard for him. I've never met someone who meets all of my criteria AND thinks it's hot that I am a strong, independent woman. He had to "process things" after we had a great date and he blurted out that I was "it" for him. I let him come to me, and was astounded with what happened. He reached out to me in a frenzy, and said that he was demoted from his job (which he loves) and had to take a huge pay cut to keep it. He said he was humiliated and felt like a failure and was questioning everything, even wanting to pack up and move back home because he missed his family. He went really deep, and I empathized and helpd him problem-solve. A fee days a later, I asked him if he wanted to go to the game to take his mind off of things. He said it was thoughtful of me, but he wanted to be alone while he figured things out. I told him i was here if he needed me. A week went by and I didn't hear from him, but had a sinking feeling that something happened, and even had this dream where he told me that his grandma died. I checked in on him and it turns out that his grandma did pass away, just four days after his work issue. I empathized and told him I would keep his family in my thoughts and to let me know if he needed anything, and he was grateful. Ironically, my maternal grandmother had also passed away two years to the day earlier, and I nearly cried when we were talking about our families. I don't want to be a bother to him and I know we aren't official yet, but I don't know what to do. Never before in my nearly three and a half decades of life did I think I found the one, until I met him. I try to date, but keep thinking about him. I retreat off to be alone when I'm sad too, and I'm sure he must be embarrased from pouring his heart out to someonr he just met. I'm hopeful that he will reach out; however, how do you comfort someone who isn't even officially your boyfriend yet? Any advice? Thank you for reading this. The situation you describe is a tough one, where you have a connection to someone defying rationality and logic. You couldn't accept the best advice anyone could offer you. And you can't think your way out of this conundrum. Your feelings for this guy are primal. They originate from a place inside your brain far deeper than the layer you use for solving everyday problems, like how you're going to make the mortgage payment or how many more times you can feed your goldfish before having to go to Petco to get the kind of food he likes. You can't change the fact that you're in love with this guy. Nor can you change his current, fairly odd behavior. So what do you do when you're in a troubling situation you have no control over, as you are? You accept it. Call a spade a spade. Admit to yourself that you're in love with a guy who's acting really strange, and there's nothing you can do about it. Realize you're a mere passenger on a train, or a car that was set in motion some time before you were born. Tilt your seat back and observe the passing scenery. Stop judging/analyzing your feelings, and simply feel them. Have faith that time will work this out, because time always works things out. Stop believing you need to figure out what to do next, because none of the figuring you're doing can possibly help. If you're able to utilize this advice, your reward will be a small amount of peace in a time of torment. I'm not saying I have the magic answer, because there is no magic answer. But my advice would make all of what you're experiencing more bearable for you. What you're experiencing now will pass, like everything else in your life has before. It's really just a matter of getting through this, isn't it? In case you're not sure, the answer to my above question is: yes. I want to conclude by telling you that if I were you in your situation and somebody gave me the advice I gave you, I'd probably be pissed. But that's the beauty of autonomy, isn't it? All the best. You will get through this. And if he's not really the one, like you thought he was, the one is still out there. At least, that's what people tell me. 1
Gaeta Posted August 3, 2014 Posted August 3, 2014 Being demoted, especially for a man, is a huge blow to his pride and self-worth, nothing you can do to make him feel better about it. He needs to grow through this on his own, it's a battle between him and himself. As for you, you may have been a good thing, but you were at the wrong place at the wrong time. Like above poster said do not work yourself in the friendzone by mothering him. You go on with your life and let him come to you. If he connected as much as you it's just a matter of time before he comes out of his cave. 2
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