moniker Posted August 2, 2014 Posted August 2, 2014 I have one other thread, which has a very brief background, never posted the full story, but it was an 8 year relationship. She broke up with me 3 times. It's been 4 months since the last/final breakup. I accept it's over, I'm trying my best to move on. Inside I'm a mess, I don't admit that to anyone. I live my life as normal as I can, I do most things alone (movies, dinner, events) as most of my friends have moved away, but I do go out. Today is my birthday. Today is very hard. She texted me happy birthday, I did not reply. Her texting didn't make it worse. The 4th of July was also very hard. I'm at a house on a lake with some friends for a few days. I should be enjoying myself, relaxing, care free. I can't seem to enjoy the moment. She is on my mind constantly, how she would be here if we were together. When I see a movie I think about how she'd be cuddled up next to me if we were together. Basically, anything I do that she'd normally or would have done with me I have trouble with. I'm not this kind of person. Nothing else in my life gets to me like relationship stress. Nothing. Money issues, deaths in the family, social issues, I just deal with ... quickly. I'm a very logical person, I can usually reason through things relatively fast, and move on. Even now I know and can list all the negative things my ex did. Hell, there were so many negatives relating to crossing lines with other guys I'll literally get a trigger from something and remember an event she crossed a line that I had forgot about. They don't seem to make a difference, I still can't see myself with anyone else, and I don't know why. I have the desire to move on, I don't get why I can't change my mindset, it's like it's being controlled by an independent part of my psyche. I accept it's over, I want to move on, I know we won't get back together. Even if she tried to come back I know I couldn't carry the emotional burden of being with her. I don't understand how I can be so logical in my thought process but still feel so stuck, still have such a desire and want for her. I'm partially venting, don't really expect much advice, I've read so much in forums, books, etc. I keep a journal but today writing wasn't enough to relieve the pressure I'm feeling inside. I guess I'm just disappointed in myself. I'm typing this on my phone, sorry if something doesn't make sense. Thanks for reading. 1
hockeydan Posted August 3, 2014 Posted August 3, 2014 I am also a very logical person. I take the steps need to get the results I want out of situation based off of research and experience. Unfortunately breakups are purely emotional. No matter the reason, they never seem to fully make sense and its hard to attach a logical formula to a broken heart. I come on here every day looking for any piece of wisdom, I have read countless books on breakups and coping and I just can not seem to shake these feelings. I know the route I need to take to getting over this, but its really hard and it takes time. I logic will put us on the right path to recovery, but it won't expedite the healing process.
BridgetGrey Posted August 3, 2014 Posted August 3, 2014 I can relate to you a lot. I accept that is over and I'm not even in touch with my ex as much as seem to be want in touch with me. I guess even though we have enough ration to know the relationship was not right or stopped being right and that person does not bring us joy anymore , yet we still think of them somehow. I think the best thing is cut them off especially when your going through your own time.
SycamoreCircle Posted August 3, 2014 Posted August 3, 2014 I'm sorry. I know what you are going through. I find myself, like a mentally disturbed person, in my free time rehashing an inane dialogue, sometimes aloud, of things we said or wrote to each other during the break up. We haven't contacted each other for 4 months. I know things can never be the same between us. She lied/cheated/used me. She became a different person: selfish, untrustworthy, manipulative. I miss what we had. I sometimes wonder if the lingering pain is proportional to our love.
hedyo Posted August 3, 2014 Posted August 3, 2014 Try not to be so hard on yourself. 8 years is a significant amount of time, and it's no surprise that you're feeling this way, even though you don't want her back. You need to go through the grieving process. Don't fight it, or think about how you "should" be feeling. Accept that you feel this way, and that it's okay, and that it will pass in time. Try to be honest with your friends and family. I'm sure they'd be happy to listen. Everyone has experienced heartbreak, after all. Opening up about how you feel is the first step to healing and moving on.
Bumpin in My Trunk Posted August 3, 2014 Posted August 3, 2014 Even now I know and can list all the negative things my ex did. Hell, there were so many negatives relating to crossing lines with other guys I'll literally get a trigger from something and remember an event she crossed a line that I had forgot about. They don't seem to make a difference, I still can't see myself with anyone else, and I don't know why. I have the desire to move on, I don't get why I can't change my mindset, it's like it's being controlled by an independent part of my psyche. I accept it's over, I want to move on, I know we won't get back together. Even if she tried to come back I know I couldn't carry the emotional burden of being with her. I don't understand how I can be so logical in my thought process but still feel so stuck, still have such a desire and want for her. I want to know this too. How do you move on when you KNOW and can LIST all the negative things the other person did such as lying, cheating, manipulation, dishonesty, etc. How?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Besides using NC, of course.
OwMyEyeball Posted August 3, 2014 Posted August 3, 2014 I want to know this too. How do you move on when you KNOW and can LIST all the negative things the other person did such as lying, cheating, manipulation, dishonesty, etc. How?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Besides using NC, of course. Give your left brain a break and allow the right side to do the heavy lifting on this one. Got a passion for any artistic expression you could dabble in? If not, here's an opportunity to try some out.
Bumpin in My Trunk Posted August 3, 2014 Posted August 3, 2014 I can sketch fairly good and play guitar. You seriously think that will help?
hedyo Posted August 3, 2014 Posted August 3, 2014 I want to know this too. How do you move on when you KNOW and can LIST all the negative things the other person did such as lying, cheating, manipulation, dishonesty, etc. How?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Besides using NC, of course. Take comfort in the fact that people who behave like this usually end up pretty miserable of their own accord. Stay NC, let go of the anger, let them ruin their own lives, and focus on making yours as happy as possible.
Itspointless Posted August 5, 2014 Posted August 5, 2014 I want to know this too. How do you move on when you KNOW and can LIST all the negative things the other person did such as lying, cheating, manipulation, dishonesty, etc. People comfuse love with understanding. Broken love has to do with a broken connection, that goes much further than cognitive proceses. People close to you litterally become part of your self: Neuroscientists Confirm That Our Loved Ones Become Ourselves | Psychology Today
Author moniker Posted August 6, 2014 Author Posted August 6, 2014 (edited) Take comfort in the fact that people who behave like this usually end up pretty miserable of their own accord. Stay NC, let go of the anger, let them ruin their own lives, and focus on making yours as happy as possible. I've haven't been active while I was away. The rest of my trip was okay, nice to be a few hours from home knowing I won't run in to her, but it was basically a couples weekend plus me, a little depressing in its own regard. Crazy enough I think we passed her on the drive home, I put my head down, didn't verify, shook me though. I know what you are saying but I'm trying not to have that mindset. I'm assuming she's just perfect and happy in her new relationship, which is probably not the case, although the honeymoon phase is probably pretty good. The quickness with which she moved on also surprised me but I'm assuming she knew who she was going to when she broke up with me. I just don't want to wish bad on her. I want her to be happy, I just wanted it to be with me. I hope she finds whatever it is she was looking for. I know I need to focus on myself, but there is already so much negative in my head, I would honestly hate for two people to be this unhappy as a result of our breakup. After everything she has done (and it wasn't all bad) I can't un-love her, I still want the best for her, and I guess I just hope one day I don't care. I'm keeping NC, we haven't spoken at all in months except 2 quick exchanges about medical related stuff (nothing emotional), and her happy birthday text. I guess I feel like she might have learned all her lessons on me and the next guy is going to get the girlfriend in her that I deserved. I know that's not true, and that many of her actions are a reflection of her morals/values/integrity that couldn't change overnight, but it still is a tough mindset to shake. Sorry, more stream of consciousness. Edited August 6, 2014 by moniker
No Limit Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 I'm afraid logic won't ever cover everything in a relationship. That's the risk you take when starting one, investing emotions and getting burned. It'll pass though.
learning_slowly Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 In my experience the way to get over one person is usually to meet another because it lets us know although we were rejected, we are still desired by others. So if you can, be open, meet somebody else in a club and get it out of your system. However 8 years of memories will not disappear overnight, that will take time. One of my longest relationships with an ex was 3 years and I never think about her: I'm having difficulty remembering her first name! So it shows you with time it is possible. To speed up the process, reduce things that remind you of her until you are ready to handle a reminder without it causing what ifs etc. As said before take on activities as boredom allows you to dwell. Try and improve your life and others. If you're successful or helping someone, you're less likely to care what your ex is getting upto. I hope it gets better ASAP
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