She was engaged!! Do I tell?

[No Limit]

I think not even half of the people that are advising me to this kiss and tell would do it if they were in his shoes.

Its easy to congratulate for his decision but are you really sure you would do the same if you were in his position?

 

Yes, I would. And did a couple of times already. Sure it didn't make me friends all the time, and I surely didn't get any form of acknowledgement (well, except for the person I warned), but I never expected any either. You do good things because they're good and important, especially in the times we currently live in.

[man_in_the_box]

So you've never heard of a man or woman and his/her friends threatening or actually attempting to cause injury to another individual that was suspected of cheating with or hitting on someone's spouse or SO? I'm certainly not endorsing that kind of behavior, but the reality is that those actions do have the potential to occur, and occur all too often. The fact that the behavior could be prosecuted as a criminal offense after the fact would offer little comfort if the spouse/SO or his friends decide to harass or physically assault the OP in the meantime.

 

It's a risk that the OP should be cognizant of before he discloses, because it sounds like his identity could be determined fairly easily (all of the people who saw them leave together, his being friends with someone who is acquainted with the couple). The OP wasn't merely an observer, he was the individual she was sleeping with; it would be rather naive to expect a wholly positive, appreciative reaction from the boyfriend in that situation, and he should prepare for a response that could vary wildly on the spectrum. You might be grateful that someone told you the truth, but unfortunately your reaction is not the reaction that is going to be typical or that all men would automatically default to.

 

Well I agree with that - if the OP deems disclosing information as a threat to his personal safety then by all means he should refrain from doing so.

 

Then again on a more general level I wouldn't encourage keeping silent as a default response. It actually rewards those that so result to threats and physical violence and is enabling them really what we want? I know its easy talking from my comfort zone but I also can't imagine a functional society where any sort of wrongdoing is always silently approved of because of repercussions.

 

I'd also argue that threats and physical violence is not a default response - likely not even the most common response. It's up to the OP to assess this for his specific situation but I'd guess that sort of response also typically inherit to a certain kind of personality.

 

And finally you bring up that It's the OP that was the OM therefore making him the #1 taarget for retaliation. If he would have been an observer and not the actual OM then is it ever ok to blab? After all you don't want to be the reason someone else became the victim of your decision to bring up infidelity right? Come to think about why would anyone bring up cheating ever if we're so afraid of the reaction? After all we can never completely exclude an irrational violent response.

[SteveSquiggle]

Well I have let him know and I must say it's a big weight off my shoulders.

 

I left a note on his window along with a screen capture of the facebook message she sent me. I then parked across the road in a park with a pair of binoculars because I wanted to see the outcome. I know that was probably wrong but I just wanted to be sure the he and not anyone else got the note.

 

It nearly went all wrong when she grabbed it first and quickly hid it in her handbag, he saw her though and after a bit of arguing and handwaving she coughed it up. There was a lot of finger pointing and yelling after that and they had to be kept separate by their friends. When they left they left in different cars.

 

She's obviously a lunatic because I got a facebook message later that night telling me that I lost. I could have had good times with her and no matter what she will win him back. What he decides is obviously his choice but this girl is nuts in my opinion.

 

I have got about a dozen messages on my phone telling me I did the right thing and 4 that said I should have kept my mouth shut. ALL of the messages that said to keep quiet came from her female friends. I just don't get that, is it some sort of female clique and they're all doing it?

 

Anyway despite the messages I feel in myself that I did the right thing and that's what matters most to me.

 

Whatever he decides at least he knows and at the same time I am not holding onto a secret that I never should have had to.

[changchewsoon]

I'm proud of you for doing the right thing, and I am sure most of us will too as well.

 

Live well, and I hope you will be able to find a really nice girl soon

[ascendotum]

To me what you did I would describe as cross between an altruistic act and somewhat an act of malice. I am not going to say what you did was wrong or right, but I just found how you said this was a big weight lifted from your shoulders to be a little strange. For me I didn't see what went down as being a burden on you personally.

Thanks for coming back and letting us know.

 

As for the msgs from her friends, its not a specifically a female clique things, just friends looking out for their friend. Hard to know if they knew of her nature or are just trying to avoid the wedding & her reputation imploding. Lots of guys would try to cover for one of their mates.

[man_in_the_box]

I have got about a dozen messages on my phone telling me I did the right thing and 4 that said I should have kept my mouth shut. ALL of the messages that said to keep quiet came from her female friends. I just don't get that, is it some sort of female clique and they're all doing it?

 

Yes I'm sure her fiance also appreciates that they've so helpfully collaborated in allowing his to play him like a fool. I'm not sure what these people think is right and wrong but I do know that paying any sort attention to it is futile - something about swines and pearls but you catch the drift.

 

Hopefully this all ends well (for you) and I think and hope you did the guy a favor. If it weren't you then she would've cheated with some other guy and the fiance would've probably blissfully married her knowing nothing. Personally I think you did something awesome and I hope, sometime in the far future, the guy youve had to tell will also realize this.

[iiiii]

Good job, OP. I hope it works out for you.

 

At least if he marries her now, he's going into it with his eyes wide open.

[Mrs Carter]

ALL of the messages that said to keep quiet came from her female friends. I just don't get that, is it some sort of female clique and they're all doing it?

Just for the record, no it's not about a female clique. It's the old 'birds of a feather flock together'. Not a female thing, please don't think that.

[gaius]

I remember when my first girlfriend cheated on me. I could tell before she even did it something fishy was up. Because I was paying attention and wanted to know something like that. And even after that I continued for a while trying to fix it before I figured out it was broken for good. I'm glad I didn't have a guy pervy enough to watch me through a set of binoculars while he brought it up in front of all my friends though. The guy involved was nice enough to shut up until I confronted him about it.

[martaldn]

why did you spy them with a binocular?!

If your aim was only to lift "this weight" off your shoulder you should have left the note and leave!

to me It sounds very much like you were enjoying your little revenge.

[gaius]

why did you spy them with a binocular?!

If your aim was only to lift "this weight" off your shoulder you should have left the note and leave!

to me It sounds very much like you were enjoying your little revenge.

It seems like if everyone was texting knowing it was him then he must have blabbed to a bunch of people what happened. I doubt she was talking about it. So at the end of the day he treated the guy like a total bumpkin, humiliated him thoroughly in both public and private, then walked away actually thinking he did the guy a favor.

[Ninjainpajamas]

why did you spy them with a binocular?!

If your aim was only to lift "this weight" off your shoulder you should have left the note and leave!

to me It sounds very much like you were enjoying your little revenge.

 

I really don't understand how people can even see this guy as some pious, mr morality, it's such a front.

 

It's ridiculous how naive people are and how easily they take something at face value just because the guy essential says so, even when you can clearly tell that the motivation and behavior is coming from somewhere very personal and spiteful...the guy isn't even wavering one bit, not because of reason or morality but because that's how strong his attitude and resentment is toward this situation, he doesn't feel any sense of empathy and remorse whatsoever, in spite of whether he was doing the "right" or "wrong" thing, a conscience person does not simply react before thinking... therefore it's obvious that this is an entirely personal justification, regardless of morality or merit that is really just an added bonus to coral easy support and encouragement..but it's written all over the guys face/text practically that the agenda is not that simple...but I guess if you yourself are so black and white it really doesn't matter, therefore it's easy to jump on the bandwagon.

 

At any rate OP, thanks for coming back and updating the post, hopefully you will reveal more about yourself so people can realize and recognize the twisted reality within yourself, rather than simply paint it with one brush.

 

This behavior really had nothing to do with "morality" or what was right. You are full of it, but hey it was still semi-interesting to hear about.

[gaius]

I really don't understand how people can even see this guy as some pious, mr morality, it's such a front.

 

It's ridiculous how naive people are and how easily they take something at face value just because the guy essential says so, even when you can clearly tell that the motivation and behavior is coming from somewhere very personal and spiteful...the guy isn't even wavering one bit, not because of reason or morality but because that's how strong his attitude and resentment is toward this situation, he doesn't feel any sense of empathy and remorse whatsoever, in spite of whether he was doing the "right" or "wrong" thing, a conscience person does not simply react before thinking... therefore it's obvious that this is an entirely personal justification, regardless of morality or merit that is really just an added bonus to coral easy support and encouragement..but it's written all over the guys face/text practically that the agenda is not that simple...but I guess if you yourself are so black and white it really doesn't matter, therefore it's easy to jump on the bandwagon.

 

At any rate OP, thanks for coming back and updating the post, hopefully you will reveal more about yourself so people can realize and recognize the twisted reality within yourself, rather than simply paint it with one brush.

 

This behavior really had nothing to do with "morality" or what was right. You are full of it, but hey it was still semi-interesting to hear about.

Hey, that was short enough that I actually read it and it was a good post!

[William]

Folks, unfortunately we found 30 duplicate accounts for this thread starter so, until that gets sorted out, I'm going to close this up. Thanks for working the topic.