She was engaged!! Do I tell?

[Allumere]

For you. Other people deal with it. Have a look at the Infidelity sections on this board. The amount of people who stay together even after finding out about their SO cheating is immense!

 

I had to read that twice. Are you #@!^ing me?

 

That people make the decision to work things out and in the long run may stay together is true....BUT if you think that the general population "just deals" with infidelity you are very sadly mistaken. Are they exceptions? Certainly I can think of a few scenarios where the wife (or husband) would just tolerate it but trust me it isn't coming strictly from a "i love you no matter what" or "it's OK" perspective. And you can't include swingers as they as a couple have made the decision to live that lifestyle..but they DO IT TOGETHER. No lying or secrets. I would also say if you spoke to most of those people on the Infidelity board...the ones far enough along would tell you just how hard it is. Of course I am making the assumption that you have not been cheated on or were someone that cheated.

[man_in_the_box]

Rofl you guys really have no compassion whatsoever. This is the emotional equivalent of consciously letting a blind man unknowingly walk into a minefield and it's all fine with you because he's a stranger. Who cares what happens to him - it's not your life right? It baffles me how some of you can still sleep at night....

[martaldn]

I think not even half of the people that are advising me to this kiss and tell would do it if they were in his shoes.

Its easy to congratulate for his decision but are you really sure you would do the same if you were in his position?

Because at the end of the day we give advices based on what we would do if we were experiencing the same right?

He shouldn’t say anything to this guy because there is not guilt to admit as he wasn’t aware she was engaged.

it is not his responsibility to SAVE him and to open his eyes.

For as good as this thing could look from the outside that is not up to him to do it!

It was one stand and he should just close that door and never open again!

I know I will be unpopular but speaking up will only open a can of worms

 

Good luck OP and please keep us posted.

[iiiii]

OP, I believe that messages on facebook can disappear if the poster "unfriends" you, or deletes their account. So I'd screenshot the message now, if I were you, if you want to keep it as evidence.

 

For what it's worth, I think letting the fiance know is right. In this situation, I think we'd all want to know what type of person we were about to marry.

[A.Moscote]

...I am standing strong in my beliefs. If I lose friends because I stand for what I believe in then it says more about them than me.

You'll probably lose some, but you'll also probably gain some. Some of us has been in the dark, and we hate the dark.

 

Do it if you want to, it is your right, just be polite and proper. Read this post:

Telling probably IS the right thing if you do it right...

[man_in_the_box]

I think not even half of the people that are advising me to this kiss and tell would do it if they were in his shoes.

Its easy to congratulate for his decision but are you really sure you would do the same if you were in his position?

Because at the end of the day we give advices based on what we would do if we were experiencing the same right?

He shouldn’t say anything to this guy because there is not guilt to admit as he wasn’t aware she was engaged.

it is not his responsibility to SAVE him and to open

 

I get what you are saying and it's probably true that most of us are probably not at all as confrontational as we'd like to pretend behind our anonymous LS accounts. I have no problem admitting that I'd probably consider it quite daunting to inform a virtual stranger of something like this.

 

But let's it forget that OP claims that he does have the balls to do this - not because he has to but because he doesn't want another guy unknowingly make a mistake with huge repercussions. Its considered a good characteristic to care about our fellow human beings, even if we might have nothing to do with them in the first place. I don't understand why we should encourage someone to passively let another down if they have the motivation to do something instead. Obviously this guy getting married isn't getting a fair perspective from the ones close to him so who else will do it? Isn't it great that there is someone that is willing to take some risk and action to stand up for someone he doesn't even know?

 

I know at least I would be incredibly grateful if some stranger went out of his way to inform me I'm making a terrible mistake. It's my responsibility to do something (or not) with that information.

[dichotomy]

She contacted me today on facebook apologizing for using me and again asking for secrecy. I told her I wasn't prepared to offer her that and that the only reason I had not told yet was because I had no way of contacting her fiance.

 

Now this woman is a piece of work, her reply was to beg for me to stay quiet and if I did we could have some more time together!! Does she have any idea why I kicked her out? Ahh, who cares what she thinks anyway.

 

I am absolutely certain I am going to tell now. She talks extensively about her fiance on her facebook but he is not on her friends list?!?

 

I really didn't want to get friends involved as it can get too messy, especially if he decides to forgive her but everyone already knows. She has mentioned on facebook that there is a rehearsal tomorrow where they are getting married. I was thinking of turning up and leaving a note on his window with a full story as well as a screen capture of her facebook message to me.

That's about the best I can do other than approaching him in person.

 

Another thing that has been bugging me is what her friends at this party were doing? Why didn't one of them step in when we were flirting and at least say 'you know she's engaged mate'. Why did they let me give her a lift home? Why didn't one of them take her home? Surely they aren't in on this little tryst and approved of her actions?

 

Do it - get him the information. Not just on his window but make sure he gets the information. Save a bro.

[Allumere]

I think not even half of the people that are advising me to this kiss and tell would do it if they were in his shoes.

Its easy to congratulate for his decision but are you really sure you would do the same if you were in his position?

 

when I was younger, maybe not because I gave a crap what other people thought and I believed that was what mattered...now absolutely because from my value system and experience it is the right thing to do.

[gaius]

Rofl you guys really have no compassion whatsoever. This is the emotional equivalent of consciously letting a blind man unknowingly walk into a minefield and it's all fine with you because he's a stranger. Who cares what happens to him - it's not your life right? It baffles me how some of you can still sleep at night....

It's more about experience than compassion. I've done stuff like this a few times before and it never worked out well. There was another thread just like this a month or two ago where the person ended up wishing they never ratted in the end it caused so much backlash for her. I haven't seen one post by someone who was told their fiance or s/o was cheating and they loved it. Its all people who have no experience with the situation theorizing about what they would do and how they would feel. And mostly getting it wrong. =/

[gaius]

Here's the other thread I'm talking about. I think some of the same people in this one advising to tell were part of the group leading her to disaster in the last. But this guy seems set in doing it no matter what anyone says. Still an interesting read.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/472170-do-i-tell-let

[marcjb]

So you actually think no one should tell the guy, and he should go ahead and marry this cheater? Great advice!

[man_in_the_box]

It's more about experience than compassion. I've done stuff like this a few times before and it never worked out well. There was another thread just like this a month or two ago where the person ended up wishing they never ratted in the end it caused so much backlash for her. I haven't seen one post by someone who was told their fiance or s/o was cheating and they loved it. Its all people who have no experience with the situation theorizing about what they would do and how they would feel. And mostly getting it wrong. =/

 

Yeah I remember that story. It's completely different from this situation. Not only was the cheater in that story sleeping with both her sisters husband's and was she OP's best friend: she was also dead. I'm not sure how that one is even remotely relevant to any tell/don't tell situation because it's so alien.

 

In this case I have no idea how he could possibly be faced with huge regret for sharing the truth. He barely knows the cheater let alone her betrayed fiance. What does it matter to him if they decide to blame OP instead of the girl that didn't disclose her engaged status? Write an angry FB message?

[martaldn]

So you actually think no one should tell the guy, and he should go ahead and marry this cheater? Great advice!

 

yes because the guy is not a friend is not a relative but a completely stranger.

Moreover he only had sex with her because he wasnt aware she was engaged.

to me he has not moral obligations or guilt to confess.

[O'Malley]

If the OP wants to notify the fiance, that's his prerogative, but the best advice is to do it from a safe distance. Something short and impersonal which lays out the facts; if you send the screenshot of the exchange, make sure that your identity is concealed, but keep in mind that the girlfriend can easily mention who you are, along with a convincing story that will make you out to be the bad guy. You aren't acquainted with this man at all, you don't know what he's capable of doing or how he will react to such a disclosure, so proceed with caution and set your boundaries accordingly. There's no need to have multiple contacts with him about what happened either.

 

The worst case scenario isn't that the guy believes his girlfriend over you, it's that he or one of his buddies takes it upon themselves to attempt to use you as a punching bag.

[martaldn]

yes because the guy is not a friend is not a relative but a completely stranger.

Moreover he only had sex with her because he wasnt aware she was engaged.

to me he has not moral obligations or guilt to confess.

 

what I mean is that he is not up to him to tell to the guy. she should tell him.

[marcjb]

yes because the guy is not a friend is not a relative but a completely stranger.

Moreover he only had sex with her because he wasnt aware she was engaged.

to me he has not moral obligations or guilt to confess.

 

Wow! It has nothing to do with having "guilt" or confessing. Of course there is no guilt or anything to confess for the OP. He didn't do anything wrong. This is all about doing the right thing, being selfless and helping someone avoid marrying a cheater.

 

I'm just amazed that some people don't get this concept of doing a good deed for the sake of another human being. If anything could be gained from it, it might be a new friend if the fiancé realizes the OP is honest and is actually looking out for him.

Edited August 5, 2014 by marcjb

[martaldn]

Wow! It has nothing to do with having "guilt" or confessing. Of course there is no guilt or anything to confess for the OP. He didn't do anything wrong. This is all about doing the right thing, being selfless and helping someone avoid marrying a cheater.

 

I'm just amazed that some people don't get this concept of doing a good deed for the sake of another human being. If anything could be gained from it, it might be a new friend if the fiancé realizes the OP is honest and is actually looking out for him.

 

I am amazed of how hypocrite people could be. advising someone to do something knowing they would never do it if they were in the same position.

Its clear we have a different point of view.

Op has already made his mind by the way and I wish him all the best with the outcome

[man_in_the_box]

The worst case scenario isn't that the guy believes his girlfriend over you' date=' it's that he or one of his buddies takes it upon themselves to attempt to use you as a punching bag.[/quote']

 

Well yeah - that's pretty much a criminal offense. Are you insinuating that she throws a false tape accusation and the response willl be vigilante justice?

[marcjb]

I am amazed of how hypocrite people could be. advising someone to do something knowing they would never do it if they were in the same position.

Its clear we have a different point of view.

Op has already made his mind by the way and I wish him all the best with the outcome

 

What are you talking about? I said that I WOULD do it (tell the fiancé) if I was in the OP's situation. There is no hypocrisy here.

 

I'm really surprised by some of the comments telling him to do otherwise and turn the other way though. It really speaks a whole lot about a person's character. I have to commend the OP. I would certainly do the same. I feel bad for the guy that got cheated on and hope he can see past his lying / cheating "partner".

Edited August 5, 2014 by marcjb

[O'Malley]

Well yeah - that's pretty much a criminal offense. Are you insinuating that she throws a false tape accusation and the response willl be vigilante justice?

 

 

So you've never heard of a man or woman and his/her friends threatening or actually attempting to cause injury to another individual that was suspected of cheating with or hitting on someone's spouse or SO? I'm certainly not endorsing that kind of behavior, but the reality is that those actions do have the potential to occur, and occur all too often. The fact that the behavior could be prosecuted as a criminal offense after the fact would offer little comfort if the spouse/SO or his friends decide to harass or physically assault the OP in the meantime.

 

It's a risk that the OP should be cognizant of before he discloses, because it sounds like his identity could be determined fairly easily (all of the people who saw them leave together, his being friends with someone who is acquainted with the couple). The OP wasn't merely an observer, he was the individual she was sleeping with; it would be rather naive to expect a wholly positive, appreciative reaction from the boyfriend in that situation, and he should prepare for a response that could vary wildly on the spectrum. You might be grateful that someone told you the truth, but unfortunately your reaction is not the reaction that is going to be typical or that all men would automatically default to.

Edited August 5, 2014 by O'Malley

[marcjb]

Except he had no idea she was in a relationship, never mind engaged. It was all on her. She cheated on her fiancé. If she was single this wouldn't even be an issue. She is the deceptive one and has affected the lives of two innocent people.

[GorillaTheater]

Except he had no idea she was in a relationship, never mind engaged. It was all on her. She cheated on her fiancé. If she was single this wouldn't even be an issue. She is the deceptive one and has affected the lives of two innocent people.

 

Of course, and if I was the OP, I'd tell her fiance, too.

 

But a decent point has been raised, that the fiance may well not respond entirely rationally. He may accuse the OP of lying, yell, threaten and yes, may try to kick his ass. All the OP can do is share the truth, and he's not responsible for how the fiance reacts or to what degree he accepts the information. But he does need to go into this with both eyes wide open.

[Mrs Carter]

But he does need to go into this with both eyes wide open.

I think I would squint with one, just to be on the safe side.

[gaius]

I'm just amazed that some people don't get this concept of doing a good deed for the sake of another human being. If anything could be gained from it, it might be a new friend if the fiancé realizes the OP is honest and is actually looking out for him.

You're out of your mind dude. =/ Haven't you heard about Orlando Bloom throwing punches at Justin Bieber? You think having sex with a guy's girlfriend forms the basis for a great friendship?

[marcjb]

You're out of your mind dude. =/ Haven't you heard about Orlando Bloom throwing punches at Justin Bieber? You think having sex with a guy's girlfriend forms the basis for a great friendship?

 

If it wasn't intentional because the guy did not know due to the girl's deceitfulness, and when he found out, let the person's partner know what kind of person he was really with, then yes.