When to defend your spouse?

[AnneT1985]

Hi y'all!

 

 

I have a question that I hope makes sense.

 

 

If an inlaw (family member of one spouse) blatantly disrespects the other spouse (beyond just disliking), is it the responsibility of the other spouse to say something or defend their spouse, or best to leave them to their own devices to deal with it and say nothing at all and continue a positive relationship with your family member as if nothing happened?

 

 

I'll give an example:

 

 

Husband's cousin Sarah dislikes his wife Sue for whatever reason. Sue is always respectful to Sarah. Sue says hi to Sarah at an event and in front of several people, including Sue's husband, Sarah turns her back to Sue and refuses to acknowledge her. When Sue says hi again, Sarah says "please don't speak to me". While this is clearly Sarah's problem, should Sue's husband John, who is Sarah's cousin, say something? Is this a time to defend your spouse? Or just let it go and let Sue deal with it?

 

 

I do hope this makes sense. Thanks so much y'all! xx

Edited August 2, 2014 by AnneT1985

[d0nnivain]

I would expect that if somebody on DH's side said something bad, DH would defend me. I know I would jump to his defense if somebody on my side said something.

[Keenly]

I can only speak to what I would do.

 

I would never let any family member, I don't care who they think they are, disrespect any significant other I had. If they want to disrespect them and say something out loud, they are disrespecting me, and they WILL deal with me.

 

 

If they have a problem, they need to get it through their minds that they are 100% optional in my life, and if my family wants to be a part of my life, they need to accept me. This acceptance must extend to my SO, or I'm out.

 

 

A relationship, more so when you get further into it, is a team. I will always have my team mates back, and I would expect no less from her.

[bubbaganoosh]

IMO, I would ask the disrespectful person what their problem was and let them know that if you disrespect my wife, your disrespecting me and it wont happen again. I would say it in a way that wasn't insulting or mean but in a way that they would understand that this was the first, last and only time the subject would be brought up and that it wouldn't be in her best interest to continue with their bad manners.

[Tiger Lily]

I'm all for defending your spouse.

 

But in the situation above, I would have just asked my spouse to walk away.

Sarah wasn't on the attack, and asked to be left alone. It seems like Sue was antagonizing Sarah (who was obviously being rude, but seemed to just want to disengage).

[AnneT1985]

thanks so much y'all! xx

[AnneT1985]

I'm all for defending your spouse.

 

But in the situation above, I would have just asked my spouse to walk away.

Sarah wasn't on the attack, and asked to be left alone. It seems like Sue was antagonizing Sarah (who was obviously being rude, but seemed to just want to disengage).

 

I personally do not believe it is ever antagonistic for an adult to acknowledge another adult regardless of mutual like or dislike:)

[rewl]

I personally do not believe it is ever antagonistic for an adult to acknowledge another adult regardless of mutual like or dislike:)

Yet you somehow believe that it is an attack to ignore somebody? An attack which needs some sort of defence?

[AnneT1985]

Yet you somehow believe that it is an attack to ignore somebody? An attack which needs some sort of defence?

 

Can you please point out specifically where I said simply ignoring someone is an attack in and of itself? I believe what I said was in front of a crowd of people turning your back to someone and publicly announcing you refuse to speak to them.

[rewl]

Can you please point out specifically where I said simply ignoring someone is an attack in and of itself? I believe what I said was in front of a crowd of people turning your back to someone and publicly announcing you refuse to speak to them.

If they ignore you and turn their back to you, yet you still insist on getting a greeting from them, they have every right to publically state their intentions, especially if you couldn't get the hint the first time you can't force somebody to speak to you

[AnneT1985]

You're absolutely right. What a sad way to exist! And how utterly and publicly embarrassing for the person "sending the message". There was a thread on here at some point in which someone did something similar to another person and everyone on here told her how rude and childish she was. Perhaps she could use your support on her view:)

Edited August 2, 2014 by AnneT1985

[M30USA]

I think if ANYONE is disrespected, not just your spouse, you should defend them. This of course is assuming we are merely talking about slander and not a legitimate wrong committed by the person being disrespected.

 

In my former marriage, my wife expected me to defend her no matter what--even when she was clearly wrong and violated another person. I felt torn in these situations. If I dared express to her (even in private) that I thought she was wrong, she would rage and tell me I wasn't supporting her. This is a tough battle we men have to face. I don't think women have to deal with the same thing because men generally don't demand that our spouse side with us unconditionally even when we are wrong. Any men who've dealt with this know exactly what I'm talking about. You wind up looking like a fool and a bad person, yourself, for siding with your wife when she's done something clearly wrong. Ugh.

[AnneT1985]

Thanks for sharing M30!

[pink_sugar]

If someone in my husband's family acted like that, I would expect him to talk to the offending relative and I would do the same if the offender was someone in my family. IMO trying to deal with your spouse's family on your own might make it worse.

[bubbaganoosh]

I think if ANYONE is disrespected, not just your spouse, you should defend them. This of course is assuming we are merely talking about slander and not a legitimate wrong committed by the person being disrespected.

 

In my former marriage, my wife expected me to defend her no matter what--even when she was clearly wrong and violated another person. I felt torn in these situations. If I dared express to her (even in private) that I thought she was wrong, she would rage and tell me I wasn't supporting her. This is a tough battle we men have to face. I don't think women have to deal with the same thing because men generally don't demand that our spouse side with us unconditionally even when we are wrong. Any men who've dealt with this know exactly what I'm talking about. You wind up looking like a fool and a bad person, yourself, for siding with your wife when she's done something clearly wrong. Ugh.

 

My first wife had a ugly habit. If someone had a flaw, my wife picked up on it and they went in the dislike column.

 

We had neighbors across the street that we hung out with from time to time and the woman had her little quirk that she was superstitious and always said "bread and butter" if she was in the way of someone. Bingo. Dislike column, and when we had a Christmas party she didn't want them to come but was going to invite the other neighbors. I told her that this is wrong and for something as stupid as her reason. The wife told me that if I invite them she will not talk to them or sit near them.

 

So, to make my point, I told my wife, that there would be no party. End of conversation. When she asked why, I told her that her ignorance has gotten out of hand and enough is enough and let her know that she didn't walk on water either.

 

That worked for a while but then she got uglier by the day and after 10 years I found freedom.

[M30USA]

My first wife had a ugly habit. If someone had a flaw, my wife picked up on it and they went in the dislike column.

 

We had neighbors across the street that we hung out with from time to time and the woman had her little quirk that she was superstitious and always said "bread and butter" if she was in the way of someone. Bingo. Dislike column, and when we had a Christmas party she didn't want them to come but was going to invite the other neighbors. I told her that this is wrong and for something as stupid as her reason. The wife told me that if I invite them she will not talk to them or sit near them.

 

So, to make my point, I told my wife, that there would be no party. End of conversation. When she asked why, I told her that her ignorance has gotten out of hand and enough is enough and let her know that she didn't walk on water either.

 

That worked for a while but then she got uglier by the day and after 10 years I found freedom.

 

People like your ex quickly find themselves alone with no friends.

[mrs rubble]

I have had issue with my partners adult children being disrespectful and rude to me. I found it hard to come to terms with the fact my children would call them out on their poor behaviour and my partner said nothing.

 

I had a bit of a lightbulb moment, a month or so back. We'd been visiting with his sister and her family. The first thing my partner said to his sister was "Man you've packed on the weight":eek: I wanted to verbally reprimand him, until I watched her expressions, body language and heard her answer. "Yeah, I know." She wasn't in the least phased by his blatent rudeness...which made me realize that this is normal, acceptable banter in their family!

My family is VERY different, so my partner is learning from our examples our families levels of "acceptable behaviour".

[Tiger Lily]

I personally do not believe it is ever antagonistic for an adult to acknowledge another adult regardless of mutual like or dislike:)

 

Of course not (in most normal circumstances). But we're not talking about Sarah's reaction, and how impolite it was. You mentioned another thread where posters seemed to tell the "Sarah" in the situation that she was being rude, and I'm sure if Sarah were here right now, we'd tell her the same.

 

But we're talking about Sue and her husband; and whether one spouse should defend the other. The situation you mentioned did not warrant any amount of "defense" in my opinion.

 

Honestly, if I were Sarah (trying to not engage with someone, possibly in hopes of avoiding an argument), and Sue's husband came up to me to force me to say Hi! to Sue...I would probably start laughing.

 

I mean, come on! This isn't kindergarten.

 

If the situation were different, I'm sure I would have a different opinion. But that was the example you posted.

[dreamingoftigers]

Honestly,

 

In my situation, our families on both sides are pretty much a mixed bag of nuts.

 

So: it depends on the relative.

 

My Dad disrespects my husband: it's on. I won't tolerate it. And the only way my Dad ever shuts up is if he gets whooped verbally or just finds someone else to go abuse.

He doesn't try it often anymore, but I also haven't spoken with either one of my parents in over a month in the current state. Strictly because he got three strikes about shrieking at me in front of the neighbours (for especially ridiculous reasons that largely had nothing to do with me). Unfortunately, they were pretty close to my daughter, but I won't tolerate them disrespecting myself or my husband publicly in front of her. And she shouldn't see their ever-recurring conflict at their home either. Mostly, in moments of disrespect, we try to clarify, and if that fails, we up and leave. Can't get talked to like trash if you aren't there to listen.

 

Sadly there have been times where both my father and my mother-in-law have gone over the deep end in trying to control or manipulate either one of us. One time my father came over pounding repeatedly on the door, refusing to leave until he saw our daughter (who was already in bed sleeping). He got really ignorant about it and started screaming over how he was "going to call the police right now" if he didn't get to see her. It's not like there was an emergency or threat or anything. She was going to go over, then she felt tired and didn't want to go and went to bed. But that wasn't good enough. So he called the police. Meanwhile, as he was still hammering on the door, my husband got pissed not realizing my father called the police and called them on my father. Good times.

 

My in-laws disrespect me: my husband will and would say something, but his mother, well, she just isn't really all there anymore. I certainly don't expect him to "lay down the law" with her. And often we just have agreed to ignore most of it. It's really toxic stuff but she's in her 70s and really isn't going to change. We keep our distance and they live across the country anyhow.

 

Honestly, she disrespects her own son more than me. And I have gone to bat for him there too. I don't tolerate her talking about my life-mate like he is some kind of low-life. He has a lot of issues (A LOT) but he hasn't really done anything TO HER and she's abused the crap out of him for over 30 years in various ways. I am disgusted with how she treats him. And he always treats her with dignity. When things look like they are going well, he's the "favorite." The second there's a bump in the road, he's dog sh*t. She's a Fair-Weather Mother. At least with my father, you know you are dogsh*t year-round!

 

Any of my inlaws disrespect my husband: gone. Gone if it looks to be a recurrent issue where they can't STFU and act nice.

Same deal for him. He wouldn't tolerate it twice if they disrespected me.

 

For all of our dysfunction and dysfunctional history, we did get that part right in regards to letting them control or disrespect us.

 

Our last marital counselor said very clearly: "It's amazing that for all of the boundaries you both didn't learn that you manage to not allow your in-laws to meddle in your marriage. The only effect they seem to have on it is increased stress just from their negative behaviours. Often in circumstances like this, one or both parties is being dictated to or completely reactive to at least one of their parents, causing an increased chance of marital breakdown."

 

I don't think you can let stuff like that just go. (Unless your spouse is really like "Cousin Al has some mental problems etc etc etc so we just know when he starts getting edgy that it isn't personal and needs to take another dose.") You see, even though my mother-in-law has really pretty much liked me, (she still goes off of the deep end every now and then) I know that she's tried to be respectful to me overall, to the point that she's aware of. But the BIGGEST form of disrespect TO ME is how she treats MY HUSBAND. So, even if a relative is being a jerkface to him, it means they are being a jerkface to me too, and vice-versa. Him and I come as a unit. Unless we divorce, then even still the backbiting isn't a happening thing between families for the sake of our daughter. I really wonder about people who don't get that.

[dreamingoftigers]

In the case of Sarah and Sue though,

 

I would more just be supportive to my spouse. Just be like "what the Hell was that, eh?"

 

But if it was a public thing and I was close with Sarah, you bet we'd talk.

 

It wouldn't be public like Sarah did though. Sarah must've been raised by wolves.

[AnneT1985]

Of course not (in most normal circumstances). But we're not talking about Sarah's reaction, and how impolite it was. You mentioned another thread where posters seemed to tell the "Sarah" in the situation that she was being rude, and I'm sure if Sarah were here right now, we'd tell her the same.

 

But we're talking about Sue and her husband; and whether one spouse should defend the other. The situation you mentioned did not warrant any amount of "defense" in my opinion.

 

Honestly, if I were Sarah (trying to not engage with someone, possibly in hopes of avoiding an argument), and Sue's husband came up to me to force me to say Hi! to Sue...I would probably start laughing.

 

I mean, come on! This isn't kindergarten.

 

If the situation were different, I'm sure I would have a different opinion. But that was the example you posted.

 

Turning your back to someone publicly and announcing publicly you refuse to speak with them is absolutely engaging them in my opinion, and looking for a fight. To me, not engaging someone to avoid an argument is walking away to do something else, with tact and grace, such as attempting to say to hello to someone, being unsure if they heard you because you've never seen an adult turn their back in the face of another adult before so you repeat yourself, and then walking away when they publicly embarrass themselves. That's my cup of coffee.

Edited August 3, 2014 by AnneT1985

[Tbisb74]

Yes. I have done, and always would. Even if I think my spouse has some amount of fault (which would be part of a separate and private discussion, between us), in public, I would never hesitate to defend him. And I know he feels exactly the same way, in the event of any reversal of the situation. No question or clarification of circumstance required. There is no situation that either of us would tolerate or allow.

[beatcuff]

Husband's cousin Sarah dislikes his wife Sue for whatever reason.

 

i love how you ignore the obvious to get the response you want. we are missing something.

 

either sue did SOMETHING (therefore sarah is in the right) or sarah is mentally unstable (in which case why confront).

 

in other words why are you stirring up trouble in this family?

[SoleMate]

...either sue did SOMETHING (therefore sarah is in the right) or sarah is mentally unstable (in which case why confront)....

Or, 3rd and most likely IMO: Sarah is choosing to be **** rude to make a point. And probably a childish and unfair one. If she had a legitimate gripe, and couldn't stand Sue because of it, she could still quietly acknowledge her greeting and then turn away, all to avoid blatant rudenedoss. But she chose blatant rudeness instead. Sue gets no pass from me.

 

If Sarah wants to be in the human community, she is going to have to acknowledge the existence and the humanity of those around her. Like we all do.

 

If Sue is an arch criminal, unrepentant torture murderer, child pornographer, or otherwise completely unacceptable by even the lowest standards, then she should be denounced to the authorities and also the family member arranging the get-togethers should be advised so Sue will not be invited.

[AnneT1985]

i love how you ignore the obvious to get the response you want. we are missing something.

 

either sue did SOMETHING (therefore sarah is in the right) or sarah is mentally unstable (in which case why confront).

 

in other words why are you stirring up trouble in this family?

 

Can you please clarify where I said I am starting trouble in someone's family? I asked if this example would be appropriate to defend your spouse over.