ascendotum Posted August 3, 2014 Posted August 3, 2014 Yes, it is his responsibility. Will he actually own up to it? Who knows. I still think it's the right thing to do to let his gf know considering the circumstances. They aren't married and she might want to walk away while she still can. I do think it is the responsibility of her ex to tell his new gf. If he doesn't want to then that's on him. I don't think the OP should tell her. though because it might split them up she might. I still don't see how her baby can be kept secret from the ex's gf though over time, unless there is irregular visits from the ex to see the child and there is no support payments. At some point either of those will trigger the gf to find out. For the gf to find out right now or after the baby is born I don't know if that will make a lot of difference unless she would have terminated. Studies have show that stress on the mother does impact on the development of the baby, so I do appreciate her stance on this. I think the primary family should be the ex + his current gf. The OP should consider an abortion or if she wants to have the baby then go off and fully raise the love child on her own. Well that's opinion anyway. The gf should know about the affair but let the ex bf tell her, which he likely wont unless he wants to get back with the OP. 1
Author KASmythe Posted August 4, 2014 Author Posted August 4, 2014 Ok, I have slept on this decision and have listened to what people are saying and I have decided that it is best to be honest and tell her what has happened. I am scared about the outcome but I made this bed so I will just have to suck it up. Funnily enough my ex is supportive of me telling and still maintains she will be ok with it. Maybe they do have an open relationship after all, I just thought he was spouting rubbish. What is the best way to do this? I would really like to do this face to face but a friend thinks to is too confrontational. I think a letter is too impersonal. I would just get my ex to tell but I'm not sure the story will get told without him painting himself in a better light than he should be. 1
stillafool Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 Ok, I have slept on this decision and have listened to what people are saying and I have decided that it is best to be honest and tell her what has happened. I am scared about the outcome but I made this bed so I will just have to suck it up. Funnily enough my ex is supportive of me telling and still maintains she will be ok with it. Maybe they do have an open relationship after all, I just thought he was spouting rubbish. What is the best way to do this? I would really like to do this face to face but a friend thinks to is too confrontational. I think a letter is too impersonal. I would just get my ex to tell but I'm not sure the story will get told without him painting himself in a better light than he should be. I'm glad you have decided that she should know the truth but I think this news should be told to her by her bf, not you. To me, it doesn't matter how he paints himself as long as she knows he's been cheating behind her back and has now gotten someone pregnant. That the baby she is carrying has a sibling on the way. It is up to them how they want to handle the fallout.
ascendotum Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 Strange that he says 'she will be okay with it'. I would have thought if that was the case he would tell her. It really is on him to do that, not for the OW to his dirty work and be the bearer of bad news on the gf. I also find it a little strange that you would care how he paints himself in a slightly better light in any confession. He can only pretty up a this shambles so much that he doesn't come out stinking much for the gf. What does it matter as long as he comes clean, since you have zero interaction with his new gf normally. I suspect you rather he come out of this looking like a dirty dog, so the better the chance his gf might not forgive him. You might be scared of the outcome, but you are making the conscious choice to still have his affair baby, but its likely going to devastate his gf much more I'd say since she is the only innocent & unenlightened one. I know this is not advice, but I felt I needed to post it, even though you are now going ahead with what many here will think is the right thing to do.
No Limit Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 Strange that he says 'she will be okay with it'. It isn't strange. Let's face it; OP and her ex never moved on from each other and continued to do the only thing that went good even back when they were in a relationship. Her ex finally got a rebound but with OP returning the GF is actually the one who was made the other woman to be honest. Didn't matter to the guy, even now his actions indicate that he wants to have OP under his roof and play cozy little family and sacrifice a girl and child with it, selfishness beyond your wildest dreams. Who knows, maybe she wasn't that invested either. I have no doubt OP will get back together with her ex, and about the GF, chances are she'll abort and even if she doesn't she'll move on with life sooner or later. With some scars, obviously. 1
stillafool Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 I don't know about that. It seems the man is having his cake and eating it too. The fact that he hasn't told his gf by now is very telling. If he does get back with his ex wife he will probably cheat with the gf if she will have him. He's had 8 months to tell his gf goodbye and return to his ex wife and he hasn't done it. I don't think he wants to leave his young gf but wants to continue having sex with his wife as well. If he is that great in bed his gf probably enjoys sex with him too and he's enjoying having sex with them both. I just feel very sorry for the kids at this point and the young gf. 1
serial muse Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 (edited) Ok, I have slept on this decision and have listened to what people are saying and I have decided that it is best to be honest and tell her what has happened. I am scared about the outcome but I made this bed so I will just have to suck it up. Funnily enough my ex is supportive of me telling and still maintains she will be ok with it. Maybe they do have an open relationship after all, I just thought he was spouting rubbish. What is the best way to do this? I would really like to do this face to face but a friend thinks to is too confrontational. I think a letter is too impersonal. I would just get my ex to tell but I'm not sure the story will get told without him painting himself in a better light than he should be. Normally I'm not a big fan of "it's not your place to tell", because worrying about whose "place" it is to hurt the girlfriend/SO is just a little beside the point after an affair! That said - telling her yourself is not in your best interests here IMO. I agree with those upthread who said that as your original relationship was based largely on sex, there's little to be gained by giving that another go. So yes, you're the single mom...and right now you need to think about protecting the kid. Time for practicality to take precedence. I'd get your ducks in a row - paternity test ready, financial accounting done, visitation (if you and he desire) plan in place. Then someone breaks the news to her. I suggest him, not for moral (again, seems silly and hair-splitting in this context) but for practical reasons. I understand the impulse to control the narrative, but with a kid involved, this is a marathon, not a sprint. Who tells on day one is hardly going to be the end of it. And anyway, in the end, your reputation is simply less important than the well-being of your baby. Him claiming ownership by telling her himself is powerful. So in the long run, I'd say it's better if he does it. And if he won't (because honestly his story that she won't care and his preference to stand aside and let you do it just sounds fishy to me, and evasive - I'm not so sure he's really going to step up to the plate here, or that he doesn't already have a plan in place to make you the bad guy/deny the whole thing), well, that's why you've got your legal and financial ducks already in a row. Edited August 4, 2014 by serial muse
pink_sugar Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 Out of curiosity, what is the age difference between your ex and the OW?
Tbisb74 Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 I suggest you tell her - but insist he is present when you do. 1
No Limit Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 I don't know about that. It seems the man is having his cake and eating it too. The fact that he hasn't told his gf by now is very telling. If he does get back with his ex wife he will probably cheat with the gf if she will have him. He's had 8 months to tell his gf goodbye and return to his ex wife and he hasn't done it. I don't think he wants to leave his young gf but wants to continue having sex with his wife as well. If he is that great in bed his gf probably enjoys sex with him too and he's enjoying having sex with them both. I just feel very sorry for the kids at this point and the young gf. I doubt he'll go back to that GF in particular (unless she is the type that takes back cheaters hoping for real love). Guess he'll find another girl as soon as things run out of excitement again. And the kids... well, who needs protection during sex anyway. And at least they might take care of you when you're old if you treat them nicely.
FitChick Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 This whole story is very white trash. Are the Kardashians involved? 1
Author KASmythe Posted August 5, 2014 Author Posted August 5, 2014 Out of curiosity, what is the age difference between your ex and the OW? He and I are both early 40's, she is 26. I am going around to their house tonight and as reluctant as I am I will spill the beans. 1
pink_sugar Posted August 5, 2014 Posted August 5, 2014 He and I are both early 40's, she is 26. I am going around to their house tonight and as reluctant as I am I will spill the beans. Good. There really is no point to hiding this. It will only be uglier later on when she finds out her bf and ex wife were sleeping together during their relationship. You're doing the right thing.
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