juststarry6443 Posted August 2, 2014 Posted August 2, 2014 It's not as if we have absolutely nothing in common or do not try to do things we both like... We just do more of hanging out separately than we do together. It's either he doesn't have the money to do what I wanna do or I'm not old enough to do what he does (ie. go to the bar) or it's like guys night. I'm always doing things with my family and friends, my very little amount of friends and he's always doing something with his family and his great amount of friends. At the end of this month he's going on a trip to Catalina Island with his friends. A weekend getaway was not in my budget neither is it in his but he pretty much asked his dad. You know what I'm actually realizing something as I type this... Why is he so willing to try so hard to do something with his friends that he asks his dad & when I plan something for us to do he always has no money but doesnt even bother to try to ask his dad...maybe asking his dad everyone weekend for money to hang out with me probably would take away some sort of pride from him, but asking him once for this one trip with friends is doable. Idk how do we make this work? FYI he does work. He works for his dad...but it's just enough for him to pay all his expenses (ie. phone, gas, insurance & his credit card tht he went overboard with)
Lernaean_Hydra Posted August 2, 2014 Posted August 2, 2014 Well, you have some very real concerns but I have a couple questions, what kind of man is his dad, what's his relationship with him like? Is it possible that his man is the kind of guy who would be reluctant to shell out money so his son can "waste" it on a girl? What kind of work do they do? Is it possible he kinda just doesn't have enough cash to spare on multiple outings several times a month?
Ninjainpajamas Posted August 2, 2014 Posted August 2, 2014 Because he'd rather hang out with his friends than with you. You are not the priority of his life, you are just his every day...kind of like a job. It's not a way to unwind or have fun or recharge, with you and his job there are expectations and things that he needs to do and things that drain him, with his friends he can hang out, just let loose, make jokes, flirt with and look at women and pretend he's basically a single guy for a few days or whatever. With you, it's the same thing over and over...no matter where you go, and what you do, it's just you and him, there is no variety, it's always the same...eventually that gets old, and you're young and he's young, which makes you likely want to revolve your entire life around him and he wants to go out and be free, doing whatever he wants to do when he wants to do...with or without you. Now if you're like most young women, eventually over a long period of time, you will fiiiinally get the courage to ask him out directly what the situation is and how you feel in which he will deny, lie or become defensive about...which will leave you feeling sad and like he isn't going to change, because he also can say he will change it but never do it, depends on the kind of guy he is...but judging by his behavior he seems unreliable and flaky, not someone I'd trust personally. So the bottom line is, there's nothing to "fix" here...you don't "fix" men, you are either happy in the situation or you are not, I know that's going to be a really hard thing for you to accept as a woman, but contrary to what women want to believe, you cannot truly change the way a man feels or thinks or even hope things will change because they won't. You can at best force him into a situation where he has to change out of obligation and guilt but he'll never truly be on-board that way, he'll never be doing it for the reasons you want him to. I'm trying to teach you this now, so that by the time you're 40 you might have learned something by seeing things in a different way. Instead of spending the rest of your life trying to change and manipulate men...what many women like to call "fighting for a relationship" because they don't want to "give up". The only thing for you to keep in mind about this situation is that right now at your ages, this is how it looks, but as you get older the dynamic changes when men substitute time with their friends with other things, and make other excuses to things that make you scratch your head and you realize don't make sense or add up.
Author juststarry6443 Posted August 2, 2014 Author Posted August 2, 2014 Well, you have some very real concerns but I have a couple questions, what kind of man is his dad, what's his relationship with him like? Is it possible that his man is the kind of guy who would be reluctant to shell out money so his son can "waste" it on a girl? What kind of work do they do? Is it possible he kinda just doesn't have enough cash to spare on multiple outings several times a month? His dad is a very generous man. They are pretty close. Well my boyfriend tries to be but its like he's always trying to be something he's not for his dad. &no his dad isn't like tht. His dad gave me money for new shoes even if I didn't ask. &one time when my boyfriend decided to stay home and just cook something for me, his dad would be like why don't you guys go out to eat I'll give you guys money. Perhaps he can't afford multiple outings a month but it seems like his friends are beating me to it every time I plan something. Now wht do I do about tht?
Lernaean_Hydra Posted August 2, 2014 Posted August 2, 2014 His dad is a very generous man. They are pretty close. Well my boyfriend tries to be but its like he's always trying to be something he's not for his dad. &no his dad isn't like tht. His dad gave me money for new shoes even if I didn't ask. &one time when my boyfriend decided to stay home and just cook something for me, his dad would be like why don't you guys go out to eat I'll give you guys money. Perhaps he can't afford multiple outings a month but it seems like his friends are beating me to it every time I plan something. Now wht do I do about tht? Honestly, if this is the case then I think maybe Ninja is right. You're not a priority to him. Frankly it doesn't really sound like your boyfriend is in a position - financially or mentally - to be in a relationship right now. It's obvious he'd much rather spend time with his friends doing single guy things and make time for you when and if it's convenient. That's not cool. You're 19 years old, from the picture you had up last night you're obviously attractive so you need to ask yourself why should you, a pretty, 19 year old girl in the prime of her life be settling for a guy who can hardly be bothered with you half the time and doesn't really make an effort? Trust me, there are guys who would KILL to spend time with you, guys who would fall all over themselves to take you out on nice dinners and do other fun things. To take a page out of LS member Leigh's book, a guy who is smitten with you will not constantly place his friends above you. While it's perfectly natural, and in fact healthy for a guy to still maintain his friendships even though he has a girlfriend, what is not natural is for him to treat his girlfriend like a burden or a chore whom he has to "try" to fit into his oh-so busy schedule . He's not treating you right so I think it's time to really stop going based on your past history together and look at his current actions. I think you should end it.
Author juststarry6443 Posted August 4, 2014 Author Posted August 4, 2014 Although the both of you guys have come to this conclusion --that he puts his friends above me. I know thts not the case. He still sees me every weekend. The weekdays its work & spend time with friends. Honestly, I know I spend a lot of money. I want to go to festivals, fairs, watch movies, go out for dinner, etc. Since he can't afford it. I just end up spending time with my sister/cousins because they're the ones tht can join me. & when his friends invite him to do something these activities involve only his presence, not any money. Idk how to not feel so left out of this relationship. We don't do anything anymore. Like I can't be like you need to start asking your dad for some extra money so we can actually go out sometimes. I know he genuinely feels sorry tht he can't join me...I just need to know how I can feel more together with him. I feel like I'm just living my life without him.
AnneT1985 Posted August 4, 2014 Posted August 4, 2014 I'm really sorry you are experiencing this. I don't really have an answer for you, but you deserve to be high on someone's priority list.
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