Taking down an online dating profile

[Tayken]

You got me! No, really.

If I wasn't committed to him, why would I be wasting my time opening a thread about this? Seriously, there is being online to shop around and there is being online to check on the person you are rightfully suspicious about. I didn't check out the other guys. I checked ON him. Period.

 

He can easily say the same thing, he was online to check on you...you get this much about what we are saying? I am sensing you are somebody that likes to have things their way i.e. the entitled type?

 

Drop the pretense, and just have the proper talk about this. It will seem communication is missing from your 2 month relationship thus far by the sound of things, hopefully your relationship is not hinging on looks only

 

No point getting defensive with me, I am simply am outsider looking at the facts

[Zippy2000]

By what you`re telling us, his actions and what he`s doing going back online.

 

It shows your ARE NOT the one, and the thing with this is the further and deeper you go with this relationship the harder you are going to get out and the harder it will be for you to move on anytime sooner.

 

You have to consider if he`s still online. Hes going to date other people. Maybe find another woman he likes and leaves YOU for her.

 

So that said its up to you if you want to continue this or end it yourself mind set and dignity.

[Gloria25]

I'm just curious here....

 

What does "exclusive" mean to you? Does it mean that you two aren't seeing and/or sleeping with other people? Did you REALLY have the "exclusive" talk? If so, then what does "exclusive" mean to him?

 

IMO, until he puts a ring on your finger, he is single...And still, four months - regardless of how much time you two are spending together is too soon for someone to know if they are really into you.

 

Maybe it's also time for the "why are you dating?" convo with him. Is he looking for companionship or marriage. Cuz, if it's one of these "let's just date and see where this goes", he's probably looking for companionship and as soon as he gets bored, uninterested or something better comes along - he'll be gone.

[DazedandConfused8]

Well, let's update.

 

Two days ago, some instinct told me to go on OKC again to see if he still had the profile up. He did. He was listed as single. He had been active on the site the day before.

 

When I'm with him he keeps telling me how happy I make him feel, and that he cares about me more than anything. He is very attentive, generous and kind. He always tries to make me as happy as possible. So why is he still on an online dating website?!

 

To the person above: yes I DO have trust issues, and I would better check on my boyfriend and find the awful truth than ignore it. What's worse really? Keeping an eye on someone that gives you good reasons to, or keeping an online dating profile active when you are in an exclusive relationship?

 

So we have now been dating for 4 months EXCLUSIVELY, and after a big fight about this OLD thing (when I posted about this originally), where he said he would put down his profile for good, and had some "commitment issues", he's doing it again.

 

I am wondering if I should break up with him for good. He says he has commitment issues that have nothing to do with me. He says he has been having problems committing since his last relationship with the woman he wanted to marry but who left him.

 

But what can I do, be suspicious all the time about him cheating/flirting? It is a real dilemma because I really care about him and think he is otherwise awesome. But finding that he had still a profile up made me incredibly sad.

 

Clearly, if after 4 months he's still calling himself single and continuing to search for women, no, he's not committed to you. You're his best-for-now until someone else comes along.

 

If you think he's worth it, I would sit down with him and put a stop to it.

[therealfrench]

I'm just curious here....

 

What does "exclusive" mean to you? Does it mean that you two aren't seeing and/or sleeping with other people? Did you REALLY have the "exclusive" talk? If so, then what does "exclusive" mean to him?

 

IMO, until he puts a ring on your finger, he is single...And still, four months - regardless of how much time you two are spending together is too soon for someone to know if they are really into you.

 

Maybe it's also time for the "why are you dating?" convo with him. Is he looking for companionship or marriage. Cuz, if it's one of these "let's just date and see where this goes", he's probably looking for companionship and as soon as he gets bored, uninterested or something better comes along - he'll be gone.

 

 

We did have the talk, we're not seeing anyone else. He wants a marriage and is literally obsessed about having kids soon.

 

When we first had a discussion about the subject, he started talking about how he was not getting any younger, and then talked about how his past relationships would only last two years, and that it was frustrating considering he wanted a marriage. He then added he had commitment issues since his last girlfriend dumped him. I know he was very much into her. That's what he used to explain going on OKC. The whole thing was confusing I have to say.

[BluEyeL]

She said 2 months not 4 months.

 

You shouldn't have asked him to take down his profile until later in the relationship, if still necessary. You have to let people move at their own pace, you just observe and see what works for you.

 

I dated men who took down their profiles after meeting me, but it still didn't work out. I don't worry too much about it. What's more important is how the relationship itself is advancing. Did he verbally confirm you are a committed, exclusive couple? Did he tell you you're special? Does he show you, through his behavior that you're special? How does the relationship flow? All that is more important than the profile and the profile being deleted just follows naturally.

 

The guy I'm dating now told me at the first few dates that he doesn't take his profile down/doesn't hide it, he just doesn't reply to messages. However, he hid his profile after about 1.5 months of dating me. I hid it at 2 months. He is now saying he'll delete it when it's time for renewal. But that's not the focus, the flow of things is more important. Now, if in 6 months he's not introducing you as his girlfriend and is still online, is time to cut bait. Until then, don't throw tantrums and don't let him see you sweat.

[DazedandConfused8]

She said 2 months not 4 months.

 

Uh, no... Look:

 

So we have now been dating for 4 months EXCLUSIVELY, and after a big fight about this OLD thing (when I posted about this originally), where he said he would put down his profile for good, and had some "commitment issues", he's doing it again.

[therealfrench]

She said 2 months not 4 months.

 

You shouldn't have asked him to take down his profile until later in the relationship, if still necessary. You have to let people move at their own pace, you just observe and see what works for you.

 

I dated men who took down their profiles after meeting me, but it still didn't work out. I don't worry too much about it. What's more important is how the relationship itself is advancing. Did he verbally confirm you are a committed, exclusive couple? Did he tell you you're special? Does he show you, through his behavior that you're special? How does the relationship flow? All that is more important than the profile and the profile being deleted just follows naturally.

 

The guy I'm dating now told me at the first few dates that he doesn't take his profile down/doesn't hide it, he just doesn't reply to messages. However, he hid his profile after about 1.5 months of dating me. I hid it at 2 months. He is now saying he'll delete it when it's time for renewal. But that's not the focus, the flow of things is more important. Now, if in 6 months he's not introducing you as his girlfriend and is still online, is time to cut bait. Until then, don't throw tantrums and don't let him see you sweat.

 

I have posted an update on page 2. We've been dating for 4 months now.

[Tayken]

Expecting exclusivity after two months...wow talk about being clingy and intense.

 

BluEyeL...May I ask which site is this that needs renewal?

[Gloria25]

We did have the talk, we're not seeing anyone else. He wants a marriage and is literally obsessed about having kids soon.

 

When we first had a discussion about the subject, he started talking about how he was not getting any younger, and then talked about how his past relationships would only last two years, and that it was frustrating considering he wanted a marriage. He then added he had commitment issues since his last girlfriend dumped him. I know he was very much into her. That's what he used to explain going on OKC. The whole thing was confusing I have to say.

 

Well, you gotta see if his actions match is words...I mean, you really gotta watch it with OLD, so many fakes and flakes. And so far, his actions are speaking louder than words - I mean, if he is looking for something serious - then why do all his RLs end after about 2 years? But then again, it takes about 2 years to figure out if you want to be long-term with someone. Did he say "why" those RLs ended?

 

But, you really didn't answer my question - which is: What does "exclusive" mean to you and him? Did he say that he is only seeing you and wants to only see you?

[DazedandConfused8]

Expecting exclusivity after two months...wow talk about being clingy and intense.

 

BluEyeL...May I ask which site is this that needs renewal?

 

As long as both parties agree to it, there's nothing wrong with being exclusive after the first date...

[therealfrench]

Well, you gotta see if his actions match is words...I mean, you really gotta watch it with OLD, so many fakes and flakes. And so far, his actions are speaking louder than words - I mean, if he is looking for something serious - then why do all his RLs end after about 2 years? But then again, it takes about 2 years to figure out if you want to be long-term with someone. Did he say "why" those RLs ended?

 

But, you really didn't answer my question - which is: What does "exclusive" mean to you and him? Did he say that he is only seeing you and wants to only see you?

 

He didn't say why the RLs ended after two years. I believe we have the same definition of exclusivity: dating only one person and being committed to this person. I've asked him if he was only seeing me and he confirmed.

[BluEyeL]

Expecting exclusivity after two months...wow talk about being clingy and intense.

 

BluEyeL...May I ask which site is this that needs renewal?

Match does automatic renewal. You got to cancel the subscription or they'll renew your credit card.

 

Sorry, didn't know it's been 4 months. Still the same advice. If at 6 months he's not introducing you as his girlfriend, time to cut bait. And the profile should also be down at that point.

[BluEyeL]

OK, read the update. There are some red flags there. Thread carefully. He says he has commitment issues and he's still on the site.... I'd already make plans to cut bait. Not immediately, I'd give him a bit more time, but after 6 months to 1 year still commitment problems....time to end it. 4 months is still a bit too early to call.

[Tayken]

As long as both parties agree to it, there's nothing wrong with being exclusive after the first date...

 

Stating the obvious..but the other party didn't say anything along those lines.

 

Tell us something else we don't know dazedandconfused...please do

[DazedandConfused8]

Stating the obvious..but the other party didn't say anything along those lines.

 

Tell us something else we don't know dazedandconfused...please do

 

You said being "exclusive" after 4 months of dating was too quick. That's garbage for most people, and not your call to make. Don't try to cover yourself now.

[OffRail]

He didn't say why the RLs ended after two years. I believe we have the same definition of exclusivity: dating only one person and being committed to this person. I've asked him if he was only seeing me and he confirmed.

 

 

A commitment phobe seeing someone with trust issues ? Sounds like a plan, to me ! If you guys are still together after a year, I fully see you obsessively stalking him on his phone, email, social media, blah blah blah. This is hardly the making of a great relationship and I think you need to work on yourself and fix your issues first, before going out looking for suitable partners.

 

And, even though you claim that you weren't looking for anyone else on OKC, how is he supposed to believe that ? And just like it is "flattering" for you to receive messages, he probably finds it just as flattering to get messages, too. You are not entitled to have an active profile and read flattering messages while demanding that he delete his profile right away. HYPOCRISY, MUCH ?

 

Sorry, but you come across as being paranoid, controlling and more than just a tad hypocritical. And, if you have to keep "checking up on him" to make sure that he is not playing you, then maybe... just maybe... he is NOT the one for you ?

 

Just saying.

[guest569]

Expecting exclusivity after 2 months is perfectly reasonable. Not being exclusive at the 4 month mark is bleak in my opinion.. talk to him, if he won't commit, end it

[Gloria25]

He didn't say why the RLs ended after two years. I believe we have the same definition of exclusivity: dating only one person and being committed to this person. I've asked him if he was only seeing me and he confirmed.

 

See ^^ that's the problem...you "believe" this or that. I think you need to find out for sure where you stand with him and stop assuming what you think is what he thinks.

 

And you "asking" him if he's only dating one person isn't an exclusivity talk. Exclusivity talk might go like: "I like you a lot and I am not seeing other people and hope that you and I both would decide to only see each other and be exclusive, what do you think/want?"

[BlueIris]

Why put yourself through this?

If he wanted you and only you, he’d be off that site and not futzing around.

 

Don’t make the mistake of making it about his choice, his words, his promises, etc. This is about your choice and staying clear-headed about what you are seeing in him. The first few months are about seeing who someone really truly is, how they act more than what they say. Frankly, any adult whose actions cause this much fuss, confusion, doubt or whatever it is, just isn’t husband material in my book. Imagine a lifetime of ambiguity and confusion- pfft to that. There are steady, reliable, clear men in the world.

 

If you hadn’t had the exclusivity talk and agreement, I’d say it’s okay. But you did and he agreed. Move on.

[MissBee]

It is flattering to receive messages on dating sites (which is why it can become an addiction to go online), but I never replied to them while I was dating him - never, not a single time. At the end of the day I was logging in to see if he was logging in. I wouldn't have opened a thread about this if messages from strangers mattered more than him. So no, I'm not exactly like him.

 

I don't get it.

 

If he saw you online for example, how would he know what you're doing on there? It's not like there is a status alert that would come up saying "Just checking for flattering messages but not looking", so if he saw you on there there is NO REASON he couldn't assume you were on messaging others.

 

I think you're also being a bit unfair where you want to be able to log on for flattery but he shouldn't log on. How do you know he's not on for the same reason? To check for flattering messages too?

 

Are you guys an exclusive couple? That talk should be had BEFORE profiles are taken down IMO. When my bf and I became exclusive I took down one of my profiles, and the other I just deactivated. He did the same. He did mention that he'd always just deactivate or not log on until married because if the relationship ends then he can always go back on. That was reasonable to me and I did the same. If we don't work out, then when I'm ready to date again I can simply log in or reactivate my profile, tweak things and go from there. If I get engaged it gets deleted permanently.

 

I have never checked to "make sure" his was deleted. I have no reason to think it's not. I had the app on my phone and early on before I deleted it, I just signed out so I'd not receive messages. But I logged in once to read him his first message to me and was bombarded with new messages, which I read to him, and we laughed about some of them and he was even saying what I should reply saying and I was like nope...not gonna. But after that I deleted it and have not logged in since. So for me it is bizarre you'd want to keep checking messages yet expect he should be okay with this....but you don't want him logged in.

 

I think you need to be fair here. If you want him to delete his page, delete yours too. Don't log in for ego boosts but be upset if he's logged in as when you log in as I said, there is NO WAY for someone to know you're logging in for that reason and if he was checking up on you, you'd look just as guilty as him.