therealfrench Posted August 2, 2014 Posted August 2, 2014 Hello there, I have been dating a great man I met online. Everything was going very well, not to say perfectly well. Yet after more than 2 months of great dates and spending every weekend together and planning trips and making plans ahead of time, he had still not brought up the 'taking down the online profile' subject, which was bugging me a lot: why wouldn't he bring it up since it was going so well? I would only go online to check my messages and see if he was still going there, and I would always see him online, and it would make me angry/sad. Finally, I ended up telling him it was making me sad to see him still shopping around at this point, and he agreed to take the profile down, since 'the last thing he wanted to do was to hurt me'. So he did take down the profile. And when I restored my profile tonight just to check if his was still down (I must have good intuition), here he was, online. He took down the profile the next minute, after seeing I had logged in. I know that some websites are incredibly addictive, so I only see three explanations for him still going online: either he is addicted, or it's an ego thing (he swore he is only dating me and just me and I really think it's true, just because I see him too often for him to see others), or he's not entirely satisfied by our relationship. Now I'm wondering if I should keep seeing him. What do you think? Was it too soon for me to ask him to take down the profile?
HappyLove Posted August 2, 2014 Posted August 2, 2014 Very typical of OLDing. One of the many reasons why it sucks. He's still looking and feeding you a bunch of bull. 1
Art_Critic Posted August 2, 2014 Posted August 2, 2014 I might point out that you were also online on that dating site.. just saying... Time for the talk...expectations without a talk isn't very productive 3
Author therealfrench Posted August 2, 2014 Author Posted August 2, 2014 I might point out that you were also online on that dating site.. just saying... Time for the talk...expectations without a talk isn't very productive As I said, I restored my profile just to check if his was still down. I'm not looking anymore and he very much knows it.
Allumere Posted August 2, 2014 Posted August 2, 2014 Did he remove his profile or hide it? If he still has the account but is hidden (this is on Match) he can still get email. Don't know the dude so hard to say however as the OP eluded to the problem with OLD is the mindset that there is someone even better just around the corner.
Author therealfrench Posted August 2, 2014 Author Posted August 2, 2014 Did he remove his profile or hide it? If he still has the account but is hidden (this is on Match) he can still get email. Don't know the dude so hard to say however as the OP eluded to the problem with OLD is the mindset that there is someone even better just around the corner. It's OKCupid, where there are two options: deactivation with possibility to restore the account or permanent deletion. He deactivated his profile, and then reactivated it.
Art_Critic Posted August 2, 2014 Posted August 2, 2014 As I said, I restored my profile just to check if his was still down. I'm not looking anymore and he very much knows it. How do you know why he was online.. you BOTH were online
Dork Vader Posted August 2, 2014 Posted August 2, 2014 Okay so I have a different view of this. I've been using the net to date since I was 23. That said I had quite a few relationships that lasted 3-4 months then fizzled. I will no longer remove my profile. I do not log into it and pay no attention to it. But I simply do not want to habe start from scratch again.. Answering endless questions.. I came close to deleting it for my last ex. I was planning to for the 3 month marker. But things got hard between us.. I would not say a word to him about it. If you do he can block you and you'll be none the wiser.. If it's still going at 3-5 months bring it up. 1
torturedartist Posted August 2, 2014 Posted August 2, 2014 Hello there, I have been dating a great man I met online. Everything was going very well, not to say perfectly well. Yet after more than 2 months of great dates and spending every weekend together and planning trips and making plans ahead of time, he had still not brought up the 'taking down the online profile' subject, which was bugging me a lot: why wouldn't he bring it up since it was going so well? I would only go online to check my messages and see if he was still going there, and I would always see him online, and it would make me angry/sad. Finally, I ended up telling him it was making me sad to see him still shopping around at this point, and he agreed to take the profile down, since 'the last thing he wanted to do was to hurt me'. So he did take down the profile. And when I restored my profile tonight just to check if his was still down (I must have good intuition), here he was, online. He took down the profile the next minute, after seeing I had logged in. I know that some websites are incredibly addictive, so I only see three explanations for him still going online: either he is addicted, or it's an ego thing (he swore he is only dating me and just me and I really think it's true, just because I see him too often for him to see others), or he's not entirely satisfied by our relationship. Now I'm wondering if I should keep seeing him. What do you think? Was it too soon for me to ask him to take down the profile? I think the deeper issue here is the question of exclusivity. It seems to me you're wanting an exclusive relationship, and he's not. His online profile is merely the means for remaining non-exclusive with you. If he wasn't the type to rely on online dating (and there's nothing wrong with online dating, just saying hypothetically...) he might have 10 or 20 or more female contacts in his phone. The point is, he wants to keep his options open. I hate to be the one to tell you this, and you probably already know it... but that means you're not "the one". For a lot of guys, there's no possibility of finding a woman they might call "the one". Male culture and primal human genetic factors create an urge in them to sleep with as many women as possible. Ironically, women tend to find these types the most attractive and reward them for this behavior. Biology lesson aside, your post also mentions the issue of dishonesty. It would have been one thing if he flat out told he was going to keep his profile open. But he was pretty sneaky about it, wasn't he? One thing I've learned about sneaky people is that if they're capable of being sneaky once, they're capable of being that way again. I won't say it's not possible for people to change their ways. It's just extremely unlikely. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone sneaky, who you couldn't trust? If the answer is no, it's time to move on. Easier said than done, I know. 4
rocketman122 Posted August 2, 2014 Posted August 2, 2014 (edited) why are you checking messages? because something better might come along? youre blaming him but doing the same. if youre logging in youre in the wrong like him. exactly like him. Edited August 2, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author therealfrench Posted August 2, 2014 Author Posted August 2, 2014 why are you checking messages? because something better might come along? youre blaming him but doing the same. if youre logging in youre in the wrong like him. exactly like him. It is flattering to receive messages on dating sites (which is why it can become an addiction to go online), but I never replied to them while I was dating him - never, not a single time. At the end of the day I was logging in to see if he was logging in. I wouldn't have opened a thread about this if messages from strangers mattered more than him. So no, I'm not exactly like him.
isolatedgothic Posted August 2, 2014 Posted August 2, 2014 So he did take down the profile. And when I restored my profile tonight just to check if his was still down (I must have good intuition), here he was, online. He took down the profile the next minute, after seeing I had logged in. Your intentions are clearly posted here. You talked to him about taking down the online profile. He did it. Then when you go back to check, you see he is still online. You are not going back online to check out all the new profiles. You are going back online to check to see specifically if he is there. Why? Because you have the beautiful intuition that tells you that something is not quite right. It's the thing that nobody can really put their finger on, it's just a warning inside. All you need is to see that he truly is not online, then you will feel better. However, when you get there, there he is. What does he do next? Immediately take it back down again, and my guess is he is not sitting in his home obsessively thinking that maybe, just maybe, the girl he treasures so much is actually looking for another man. He is only worried that you have "found him out." We don't know that, he hasn't said that to you, but the lack of communication on his part is probably a really good indication that he's had his hand in the cookie jar and been caught, and he secretly hopes you didn't see. Here is what I think. If you are sacrificing your heart, your body, your time, weekends, making plans, packing up and spending nights with him, and otherwise showing him with your behavior that you are totally committed to him, then you have every right to want him to be just as committed to you. As an outsider looking in, I see a man who, for whatever personal reasons of his own, still wants to see what is out there, and I do not believe he is out there looking for your online profile, and I do not believe you are looking online for other men. All you want is to know you are in a committed relationship, and when you see him sneaking around online, it just causes more fear that you are the only one who is fully committed. He's still looking. We can blame it on the caveman instinct, or general randy-ness, but whatever a person wants to call it, he is still looking, and he isn't looking for you. Sad, yes? I think so. Perhaps consider letting go of the expectations, and putting your profile back up, and accepting dates again. He has demonstrated that he does not listen to your words or respect your fears. Words mean so little sometimes. Show him how you feel by your actions. If he is a true treasure, he will stop what he is doing and insist on exclusivity by both of you. If he tries to blame you, shame you, or make any kind of excuse, you know what you are dealing with. I have dealt with this in a couple of what I thought were serious, long term relationships. It is disheartening, to say the least. Be proactive. If he's going to be online to see what's out there, or whatever excuse he will create that is perfectly plausible in his own mind, you do the same. [i had a boyfriend of a year - a full year - tell me he had online profiles up so he could do 'police work.' He worked for a bank. Looking back, I laugh, but in the moment, it was very painful. Don't accept excuses. Trust yourself.] 2
rocketman122 Posted August 2, 2014 Posted August 2, 2014 It is flattering to receive messages on dating sites (which is why it can become an addiction to go online), but I never replied to them while I was dating him - never, not a single time. At the end of the day I was logging in to see if he was logging in. I wouldn't have opened a thread about this if messages from strangers mattered more than him. So no, I'm not exactly like him. you realize what youre saying? do you only see one side? who said he doesnt like getting messages as well? he probably thinks its flattering as well. you are exactly like him. dont kid yourself. dont go in spying on him and you also check your messages, probably check out other profiles and say "OMG, I can believe hes still with his profile online" are you blind? youre doing the exact thing. 1
guest569 Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 You're not in an exclusive relationship, so the only thing I can say he has done wrong is lie to you about deleting his profile. As much as a disagree with and hate multi dating. 1
Mrin Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 How do you know he wasn't lurking to see if your profile is active? Same thing you were doing.
Zeurich Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 You guys are dating for some months and planing for vacations but it does not say anything about a exclusive relationship. OKC is a place where you can take the tests, create your own tests and, answer the questions. Being online can be anything. And you think everything go good but how about his side? May be he feel dates with you is not perfect. And what about when you being online is not that the same thing he feel ? " this woman dating with me spend the week end also with me and still online on dating site" If he was meant to be cheated he could block you easy and be online. I am not believing that you restore your profile just to see he was online. That means you also hanging their but you see his online only. Let me tell you men and woman who are dating they date more than one that is how they choose one.
Zeurich Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 It's OKCupid, where there are two options: deactivation with possibility to restore the account or permanent deletion. He deactivated his profile, and then reactivated it. Why you cannot take it easy. If he dated you cannot he go online? I still don't understand you why you are so frustrated with out anything committed or with out even living together? Yes you have asked too soon for his profile take down. If I were you I wont ask him put the profile down. If he want to cheat you he can OKC is not the only dating site out there available. Just see how he treat you and see if he is going to make any plans for the future. don't be so silly as some one said before. you can talk to me I am there too :laugh: But I do write tests that is all I do. 1
mightycpa Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 he agreed to take the profile down, since 'the last thing he wanted to do was to hurt me' There's your answer. The correct answer would have been: he agreed to take the profile down, because he really likes me But that's not the answer you got. The answer you got was he doesn't want to stop seeing you YET. He just doesn't have the stones to tell you the unvarnished truth. 2
DazedandConfused8 Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 Hello there, I have been dating a great man I met online. Everything was going very well, not to say perfectly well. Yet after more than 2 months of great dates and spending every weekend together and planning trips and making plans ahead of time, he had still not brought up the 'taking down the online profile' subject, which was bugging me a lot: why wouldn't he bring it up since it was going so well? I would only go online to check my messages and see if he was still going there, and I would always see him online, and it would make me angry/sad. Finally, I ended up telling him it was making me sad to see him still shopping around at this point, and he agreed to take the profile down, since 'the last thing he wanted to do was to hurt me'. So he did take down the profile. And when I restored my profile tonight just to check if his was still down (I must have good intuition), here he was, online. He took down the profile the next minute, after seeing I had logged in. I know that some websites are incredibly addictive, so I only see three explanations for him still going online: either he is addicted, or it's an ego thing (he swore he is only dating me and just me and I really think it's true, just because I see him too often for him to see others), or he's not entirely satisfied by our relationship. Now I'm wondering if I should keep seeing him. What do you think? Was it too soon for me to ask him to take down the profile? Clearly you have trust issues if you're already logging in to check on his online activities. Even if he takes down the online dating profile, you'll find some other way to check on him 2
Author therealfrench Posted September 7, 2014 Author Posted September 7, 2014 Interesting thread but any updates? Well, let's update. Two days ago, some instinct told me to go on OKC again to see if he still had the profile up. He did. He was listed as single. He had been active on the site the day before. When I'm with him he keeps telling me how happy I make him feel, and that he cares about me more than anything. He is very attentive, generous and kind. He always tries to make me as happy as possible. So why is he still on an online dating website?! To the person above: yes I DO have trust issues, and I would better check on my boyfriend and find the awful truth than ignore it. What's worse really? Keeping an eye on someone that gives you good reasons to, or keeping an online dating profile active when you are in an exclusive relationship? So we have now been dating for 4 months EXCLUSIVELY, and after a big fight about this OLD thing (when I posted about this originally), where he said he would put down his profile for good, and had some "commitment issues", he's doing it again. I am wondering if I should break up with him for good. He says he has commitment issues that have nothing to do with me. He says he has been having problems committing since his last relationship with the woman he wanted to marry but who left him. But what can I do, be suspicious all the time about him cheating/flirting? It is a real dilemma because I really care about him and think he is otherwise awesome. But finding that he had still a profile up made me incredibly sad.
HappyLove Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 (edited) Don't be stupid! NO, he's not going to commit to you! And you're the only one EXCLUSIVE in this relationship. See what I told you on page one NOT surprised. It's really sad how many of you women buy this BS no matter how many times you catch these scumbags. You stupidly believe everything these losers tell you. Blame yourself not him from here on out. You are teaching him that your a fool and why the hell should he be honest with you? You'll believe anything he tells you! I would love to know what's the reason to even bother being smart enough to catch him on these dating sites but then not DO anything about it? Edited September 7, 2014 by HappyLove 1
BlueIris Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 (edited) He's lying to you. End it with him. Don't continue consenting to his lying to you or using you. Edited September 7, 2014 by BlueIris
Tayken Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 Ahahaha...funny the previous poster didn't see this and just made assumption that the guy is feeding her bull. I mean what was the OP doing online to have noticed this? OP.....If you want to become exclusive, then it's a two way street...sweetheart. Just sayin' and inline with that mutual respect deal breaker I might point out that you were also online on that dating site.. just saying... Time for the talk...expectations without a talk isn't very productive
Author therealfrench Posted September 7, 2014 Author Posted September 7, 2014 OP.....If you want to become exclusive, then it's a two way street...sweetheart. Just sayin' and inline with that mutual respect deal breaker You got me! No, really. If I wasn't committed to him, why would I be wasting my time opening a thread about this? Seriously, there is being online to shop around and there is being online to check on the person you are rightfully suspicious about. I didn't check out the other guys. I checked ON him. Period.
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