Calcmag Posted August 1, 2014 Posted August 1, 2014 I’m asking for your take on a situation with my 23 year old niece who has been living with me since she was 18. I’m sorry this may get long. She’s been involved in an on/off relationship for about three years. My impression is that they both care about each other a lot but their biggest problem is poor communication and they never resolved the problem from when they broke up about 18 months ago. They broke up then because my niece said she was scared of her feelings and not ready for something serious. In the meantime they’ve both been dating others but seem unable to stay away from each other for long, although they never officially got back together. Anyway, fast forward to 8 months ago, she moved abroad for a work project. At the time it seemed like a permanent move, however she found out recently that she’ll be coming back here at the end of summer. She hasn’t been in touch with the guy in question since she went overseas, but last week I emailed her to let her know that I’m planning to sell the house and asked her if she’d help me out this week when she’s home by decluttering in her room etc. She realised that she has some personal stuff belonging to her exBF and emailed him to let him know to come pick it up. She was coming home for a few days this week on Wednesday, so when she emailed him she told him she would be out on Friday and Saturday night if he wanted to come by when she wasn’t here, and that she’d have his stuff ready for me to hand over. Well, he turned up LAST night, Thursday, clearly expecting her to be home. She wasn’t. He was disappointed when I told him that she was out, but stayed for a chat over coffee, and then as I saw him to the front door he said ‘I really wanted to see S.’ He then went on to tell me that he’s involved with another girl and it’s getting quite serious and that he’s considering moving in with her. I don’t know whether to tell my niece this or not. She’s going to be devastated. I don’t think he’s the kind of guy that would purposely want to hurt her so maybe he thinks that telling her he’s getting serious with someone new is a way to give her closure, but surely he could have just emailed her to tell her. Or why did he even have to tell her this anyway?
Author Calcmag Posted August 2, 2014 Author Posted August 2, 2014 Apologies for bump, but my niece has been away visiting her friend and is due back here later today. I'm feeling that I don't want to be the one to tell her news about this guy. He clearly wanted to see her and part of me is wondering if he was hoping for a different outcome here. Any thoughts or advice appreciated. If you were my niece, would you want to talk to him yourself or hear it from me? I'm tempted to tell her to call him so they can talk about this together. I can't believe how blindsided I feel by this situation but I really do NOT know how to handle it.
Tbisb74 Posted August 2, 2014 Posted August 2, 2014 (edited) It's not your business. They're broken up, he can do whatever he wants, and frankly, his wanting to see her was inappropriate. Just tell her he managed to come by today to pick up his stuff, and he says hello. Don't elaborate, don't hint, don't look cagey, don't even let her believe there was anything more to say than that. I repeat: This is over, and it's not your business. If he wants to tell her that's up to him, but she really doesn't need to know, neither is she entitled to know. This is between them. If you become embroiled in this, I swear, you will regret it. Don't act as messenger, that's not on you. Keep back, keep out of it, and let them both move on. Their involvement ended when they broke up. He now has his things. Let it go, don't prolong the agony. It will all end in tears. Edited August 2, 2014 by Tbisb74 1
TAV Posted August 2, 2014 Posted August 2, 2014 I think that is exactly what you should do, tell her he needs to talk to her and let her contact him. I'm sure she knows you would not say this for no reason. Why are you getting so worked up about this? Are they temperamental? 1
Tbisb74 Posted August 2, 2014 Posted August 2, 2014 TAV, I'm sorry to disagree with you, but if they're broken up, why would he want her to know he has a new love interest? It's just going to rip the bandages off, and tear the wound apart. Her niece suggested he stop by and deliberately gave him days to come when she knew she would not be there. He's being a bit of a Drama merchant turning up on a different day (obviously to therefore use the visit as an excuse to see her!) and stir up old emotions - which are obviously still raw. This is a No Contact situation. And we're always telling people to never break it. He deliberately tried to engineer a meeting - to tell her something that would apparently devastate her? No, I'm sorry, but I don't think them being in touch will help anything....
Author Calcmag Posted August 2, 2014 Author Posted August 2, 2014 I think that is exactly what you should do, tell her he needs to talk to her and let her contact him. I'm sure she knows you would not say this for no reason. Why are you getting so worked up about this? Are they temperamental? I'm not sure why this is bothering me so much. I wish he hadn't told me. I think he wants her to know and because she wasn't home he thinks I should be the messenger. And I'm really not prepared to be. I know that she still loves him and still had hope that they would reconcile at some point. I think something about the situation isn't sitting right with me. Something feels off....
TAV Posted August 2, 2014 Posted August 2, 2014 Tbisb74, there is nothing wrong with respectfully disagreeing; I expect nothing else here at LS. If what you say is true then I agree with you but we do not know that. I get the impression from the OP that she somehow thinks they are made for each other and that this could be their final chance. If the niece has really moved on she won't break NC but that is up to her and not the OP. Now the OP has a bit of information that is obviously weighing heavily on her conscience.
Tbisb74 Posted August 2, 2014 Posted August 2, 2014 If that's the case, then as the OP, I personally would tell my niece her ex had been round, collected his stuff, and had wanted to talk to her. I would add that he said he has met someone else and is considering moving in with her. And that is all I would offer. The decision on what to do should remain with the niece. I would not try to persuade her either way, but would support her in her decision. I would relay the information, then try to remain detached and impartial. And really, in my opinion, that's ALL that the OP should do, if that. 1
preraph Posted August 2, 2014 Posted August 2, 2014 I think you should not convey anything he said because for all you know, he may be just trying to yank her chain and make her jealous. Anyway, if she's trying not to see him, well, he came over early hoping to force her to see him, so he may turn into a problem and anything you do as far as communicating with him now his crap is out of there (or until it is) would be a betrayal and providing him a way to get at her.
Author Calcmag Posted August 3, 2014 Author Posted August 3, 2014 Just for clarification, I do not want to interfere. I didn't want to be involved at all, especially to be the messenger with bad news! About their relationship, they weren't NC. They were still seeing each other on and off when my niece went to work abroad. And I feel like he was testing the waters to see if there was any chance of getting back together with her...this is why I felt weird about the situation.
smackie9 Posted August 3, 2014 Posted August 3, 2014 (edited) I wouldn't say jack sh it about it. Minding your own business would be in everyones best interest. I'm sure the ex BF will tell her himself, it it is true. She will find out eventually. I don't think she wants him back since she wanted him to come by at a time she wasn't going to be there right? She's a big girl, she can handle the news. I'm getting the impression she wants nothing from him so your worry was for naught. Edited August 3, 2014 by smackie9
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