silver_tongued Posted February 24, 2005 Posted February 24, 2005 I don't understand why if you are a friendly guy, you are labled a "flirt". I like to go out and have a social time. Yes, I make the rounds and try to talk to as many people as I can but still go with the flow of the evening or social event. I have met some new people along the way and have added them to my messenger. Just people I seemed to get along with easily. My current girlfriend thinks I added these people to my "online blackbook", which is how she decribes my messenger. This is causing a great rift between us becuase I see it as a way to chat with people from time to time and not worry if you talk to them for 3 months, like running into them in a coffee shop or the like. she says chat groups were initially developed for dating purposes. She decribes it as picking up the phone to talk to these people which I completely disagree with. I don't think of it that personally at all. So this has led to her raiding my laptop whenever I am not around looking for dirt. So to combine these two, friendly guy, messenger, she thinks I just sit on messenger all day and flirt with people I have picked up!!! Some of these people I have never even seen in person again. I don't know what to do, she wants me to delete all the women I added before we even started dating. People who I have built a relationship with. A lot of these people I have met fairly recently, 1-2 yrs, but I have moved around a lot and do not have the social base that she does. So I tend to make friends quickly, and sometimes lose them quickly if I do not keep in touch... But nonetheless, is it fair that she needs me to start from scratch socially because she thinks I am carrying on relationships behind her back? What is the consensus on messenger? Is it a very personal list of people, or is it a general list of people that you have an opportunity to talk with on occassion. I still see it as a coffee shop, one that you frequent because you like the clientel.
blind_otter Posted February 24, 2005 Posted February 24, 2005 Originally posted by silver_tongued What is the consensus on messenger? Is it a very personal list of people, or is it a general list of people that you have an opportunity to talk with on occassion. I still see it as a coffee shop, one that you frequent because you like the clientel. For me? A general list of people. Hell I leave mine on all the time and rarely ever actually chat. My friends leave weird messages and make me laugh. I usually for the most part message people who aren't on line with random words..."tomato" for example, it's a code word my friends used when I was still drinking and I was being a drunken a**h***. It's how I talk to people who I don't talk to on the phone, ha ha.
Pocky Posted February 24, 2005 Posted February 24, 2005 I'm confused - you have an issue with your current girlfriend because she was married before and the thought of her saying those vows to someone before you causes you distress, yet you see no problem with getting phone numbers from random women you've just met at a party?
Author silver_tongued Posted February 24, 2005 Author Posted February 24, 2005 no no no, I have not added anyone to my "messenger" list since we started dating. The people I have added I have added for contact reasons such as volleyball. They are not added for any other reason. I get along with these people and have a common interest. These are not people at one time I have commited my life to, thanks
tokyo Posted February 24, 2005 Posted February 24, 2005 I guess, most of these people are women otherwise your girlfriend wouldn´t feel so irritated. I don´t think she would feel threatened if you had only added your volleyball buddies on your list....
Author silver_tongued Posted February 24, 2005 Author Posted February 24, 2005 yes, the majority are women. I have always found it easier to meet women than men. As far as I know most are involved. She believes that they are just waiting for a chance to be single again, and to be honest if this issue does not get resolved it won't be that long.
d'Arthez Posted February 24, 2005 Posted February 24, 2005 Did it occur to you as a possibility to be non-flirting and friendly if you are using IM? You can make people feel good without have to resort to flirting. Is the issue flirting, or that the majortity of your contacts is female?
tokyo Posted February 24, 2005 Posted February 24, 2005 One of my friends, a guy, flirts with everybody, no matter how old or if he´s attracted to her or no. It´s just an ego thing. He is a nice person, without doubt, he wants to be liked, no doubt. But I would hate dating him. Some people can accept a flirt as a partner, other people won´t. I´m one of the jealous people and I would not want my boyfriend to go around and collecting phone numbers for his ego, but I understand that other people are different, maybe they have more self-confidence and less problems to deal with a partner who occasionally needs an ego boost, but your girlfriend might be like me and not want to accept this. You can either convince her that you just need the phone numbers in order to reassure yourself that you are still hot and wanted or you ask yourself if it´s really necessary to stress your girlfriend with this. I don´t think your social skills are that great if you only end up making friends with women. It´s always easier to get in touch with someone of the other gender, it requires more skills to make friends of the same gender. I wouldn´t be surprised if the women you talk to are not even attractive in your eyes, if they were you´d probably be too nervous to ask them for their phone number. Man, it´s really not a big deal to "pick up" someone you are not attracted, too. Maybe you should tell her this, she might not have been aware of your true motivation.
Author silver_tongued Posted February 24, 2005 Author Posted February 24, 2005 I AM NOT COLLECTING PHONE NUMBERS!!!!! I am well aware of my ability to "pick up". That has never been an issue. I honestly never saw myself as a flirt. Friendly, a good guy, fun yes but not flirty. I have been given this label and must accept it, no matter how much I disagree. I think everyone enjoys being accepted or talked to. I enjoy talking with people male or female, and I believe people can sense that I am just a good person and enjoy the positive atmosphere that I feel I project. I believe women think men are just out to score with the next floosey that waltzes by. Well when you know you can go out and have sex whenever you want, that feeling is enough and you don't need the ego boost of doing it.
tokyo Posted February 24, 2005 Posted February 24, 2005 Look, I never said that you go out and want to sleep with all the women that you meet there. I said, you like flirting, because it gives you a good feeling and because it makes people like you and it´s an easy way of meeting people. I know that my friend is actually shy and feels a bit insecure when a lot of people are around that he doesn´t know well. He starts flirting, because it distracts him and because women appear to be more attractive to him than guys. In general, he´s a pretty friendly person and trying to help people, it´s just, he´s a bit insecure. Why don´t you try to also put guys on your messenger, to make things a bit more equal? If you are not a flirt, then how come that you mostly meet women? Good question, isn´t it? As you obviously have a tendency to prefer the other gender, don´t be surprised if your girlfriend gets suspicious.
Lil Honey Posted February 24, 2005 Posted February 24, 2005 IMHO, I believe that IMing someone can be a very personal exchange. I think that things can start out innocently enough and lead to something quite different. I think it's a slippery slope when you are involved with a "real" person in your "real" life. Since you said that you really don't keep in contact with these people on a regular basis, I wonder WHY you keep them on your list. It seems that if you don't keep in contact, then there isn't a need to have them on your messenger. If these people aren't important enough to keep in contact with, then why get your girlfriend agitated over the whole issue? Is it worth it? OTOH, I don't think she should have to check up on you by looking at your computer. A relationship should be more than that. If she can't trust you, then what does she have? I still see it as a coffee shop, one that you frequent because you like the clientel. I could say the same thing about the tool department at Sears.
d'Arthez Posted February 24, 2005 Posted February 24, 2005 If you are truly an inspiring and fun person to be around, you don't even need to flirt. It's only logical your gf has problems with your flirting behavior. Or do you find it acceptable, she writes messages starting : "Hey hunk!", to any random guy in her contact list?
tokyo Posted February 24, 2005 Posted February 24, 2005 Originally posted by Lil Honey I could say the same thing about the tool department at Sears. Yeah, go to the tool department if you need some male buddies. Ok, I will not assume that you flirt with the women with intention. I do understand that there´s always a natural attraction between men and women and it´s always seems easier for you to strike up a conversation with a woman, but you really shouldn´t be surprised when your girlfriend gets jealous. You can either decide to improve your social skills at make more male friends or you explain to your girlfriend the real situation. She might understand it and accept your little insecurity after a big fat love declaration to her. Whatever, I don´t think that you will get that much support here for your little preference in order to convince your girlfriend that she is wrong and have to change her attitude.
Author silver_tongued Posted February 24, 2005 Author Posted February 24, 2005 I would like if somebody could please define "flirtatious" behavior, because I think I need some parameters for this discussion
tokyo Posted February 24, 2005 Posted February 24, 2005 It doesn´t matter if you flirt or not, you may truly not have any bad intentions, but if you end up with more female than male buddies on your messenger then your girlfriend has the right to ask what´s going on.
d'Arthez Posted February 24, 2005 Posted February 24, 2005 Sadly for you, the person who is the judge of that is your girlfriend. Basically flirtatious behavior is whenever you refer to the sex of the person you are talking with, or gender-oppostion (male-female) nature of the conversation.
Author silver_tongued Posted February 24, 2005 Author Posted February 24, 2005 well, I gave in. I have deleted the contacts of issue. we shall see how things turn out. Thanks for all of the input.
krbshappy71 Posted February 24, 2005 Posted February 24, 2005 Sorry to hear of your messenger ordeal. I went through a jealousy issue with my man's messenger list, myself. He has a list longer than I could imagine....and his AIM list is even longer, has two different profile names on it, etc. I once looked up some of the profiles, I can't believe I did that as it just fueled my jealous insecurities, and yes, then I confronted him with some of the messenger names, ohhhhh mannnnn I am so embarrassed to even admit that but hey, stuff happens when we let our mind run away with us. So in the end, we talked about it, I threw an insecurity tantrum, and finally realized that messenger is not going to make him cheat or stop him from cheating. If he was truly interested in the people on there he'd be spending time with them, not me. He's very devoted to our family. The jealousy monster reared its head again when he bought one of those phones that is online messenger all the time, oh man I couldn't deal with that. Finally we talked it out again and I've been fine since. I have a long-time chat friend (male) that I met before him, we did not make a romantic connection but we still chat, he has helped me through some tough fights with my current man, (yes including the messenger-jealousy) and I'd hate for my man to make me give up this friendship connection I have through messenger. I now have more people added to my friend list (guys from a chat room him and I chat in) and he is fine with it. I'd say just keep trying to talk about it, see if you can get to the root of her insecurities and help her with them. If she can't grow through it with you, it will only get worse, possibly. Take care and thanks for bringing up the topic, I'm sure we are not the only ones faced with this dilemma!
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