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I've had an intense crush on a total stranger for 2 years.

fieldofdaisies

By fieldofdaisies
in General Relationship Discussion

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fieldofdaisies New Member

fieldofdaisies

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I have tried to get over this for such a long time now. I am a married woman in my early 40's, and I've been with my husband for 20 years now, 17 years married.

 

My secret crush is a man who I just happened to randomly see a photo of online, 2 years ago. I found his Facebook page and got a general idea of the kind of person he was, and fell into obsession with him because of it. Not only do I find him unbearably cute and attractive, but from his activities and interests he seems like my 'dream man." I know in my mind this is crazy and irrational, but I can't stop my feelings. I've banned myself from searching him for over a year, but yesterday I searched again, and found a picture of him. I immediately closed my browser and wanted to cry.

 

He's a married man, living hundreds of miles away. It makes me feel horrible! Here's this nice decent guy, living his ordinary life with his wife and child, with no idea that some married woman hundreds of miles away thinks about him every day and is obsessed with him! I have no intention of leaving my husband or having an affair AT ALL. I love my husband. He's a great guy.

 

I have been on an antidepressant for the last year, and it's helped me get involved in other things in my life to distract me from this online obsession. I still find myself daydreaming about meeting him in some crazy way. I just want to erase this man from my mind and enjoy my own life again!

GorillaTheater Established Member

GorillaTheater

Posted
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I've always believed that ADs are only half the battle when it comes to fighting depression, and that the other half is counseling. Do you have a counselor? A good one will help you sort through why you have this obsession.

 

For my part, an obsession for a total stranger that's lasted this long is obviously not normal, particularly if your marriage is as good as you say. I don't have any good guesses as to the causes, but I have what I think is a pretty good suggestion for ending it:

 

Tell your husband all about it. It will be awkward at best and a bit devastating at worst, but in his shoes I'd feel like I had a right to know about this aspect of my marriage. If he's as good as you say, he'll do what he can to understand while you get your mind right (again, addressing it in counseling for starters). And I strongly suspect that in the process the air be let out of this fantasy.

 

Scary thought, eh? But think hard about why it's scary.

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Rick_B Member

Rick_B

Posted
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In a way this doesn't seem any more dangerous than a crush on a movie or rock star. In both cases the object is beyond your reach, and whether you admit it or not - his perfection is probably mostly in your head.....we humans have a wonderful way of filling in all the blanks in the way we want to...

 

To have these crushes is natural - I guess a way to reconnect with that giddy, in-love, feelings again..... often women go through this once their youngest child is out of diapers....and it is nearly impossible for the object of this fantasy to be the father of your children - suddenly turning a co-parent into the igniter of your internal lust is hard for most people to do (yes yes I know there are exceptions)

 

Hopefully it will pass and you will be able to find a balance with what you have - or maybe you won't reconnect with your husband - but my advice is to give it a bit of time - and if it affects your marriage BE HONEST - there is nothing NOTHING worse than having your partner say one thing but feeling the opposite in your heart.....

 

We humans can experience awful emotional trauma and deal with it....but what is very hard to handle is NOT KNOWING WHATS GOING ON .... there did I make that clear :-)

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
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Do you realize the fantasy of him and who you've built him up to be is not real? The mind is very powerful and you are totally feeding this crush/obsession by continuing to think and stalk his facebook page. What you see online is NOT who he is.

 

What you're doing is taking away energy, love and life from your husband and your family. Stealing time and effort from you life.

 

Continue with counseling and be strong/tough on yourself and make yourself stop thinking/fantasizing about him.

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fieldofdaisies New Member

fieldofdaisies

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GorillaTheater, I just can't tell him. I think this kind of thing would hurt him more than help. He's been completely faithful for all these 20 years, and what's more is that he's very practical, and would find it hard to believe that I could feel something so strongly about a person I've never met in the flesh. When he and I are together and getting along (we do bicker about little things a lot! We've always been that way) we feel a "warm" love and attraction, but the passion and butterflies left a long time ago.

 

I guess I will have to add that I've had weird obsessions for my entire life, the typical celebrities and fictional characters. It's interesting what you said, Rick B., about women having longings for 'giddy' romance when the youngest is out of diapers. I've noticed that my 'weird obsessions' started again the time my youngest was 3 years old.

 

I also feel like my husband doesn't have time for romance and dates. He's very busy with his own business, probably a work-aholic. When we have a rare moment together, he usually just talks about his work. We used to do fun things together, just us, but raising 4 kids and trying to make ends meet and run a business leaves us so little time.

 

It could be that my fantasizing about another man is a result of feeling neglected and bored. No, I haven't gone to see a counselor yet. I really should get someone to help me work this out if it's lasted this long. I hate having this secret inner life that does nothing to help my real one.

Edited by fieldofdaisies
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
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This OL guy is an illusion. It's like falling for a famous actor you see on TV or in the movies (or even falling for the character played by the actor). Enjoy the fantasy but for heaven's sake get a grip. This isn't real.

 

Now go make love to your husband & think about all of the good things you do have in your life.

  • Like 1
Owl Established Member

Owl

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You're crushing hard on a fantasy.

 

No insult intended...but have you ever had therapy? If not, I'd heartily recommend that you seek it out.

 

This is not healthy, normal behavior.

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fieldofdaisies New Member

fieldofdaisies

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This OL guy is an illusion. It's like falling for a famous actor you see on TV or in the movies (or even falling for the character played by the actor). Enjoy the fantasy but for heaven's sake get a grip. This isn't real.

 

Now go make love to your husband & think about all of the good things you do have in your life.

 

I am well aware that it isn't real. Of course I will have no good reason to go to the state he lives in, much less try to have some kind of online affair with the guy. Some people have done that, and it usually results in all kinds of crazy.

 

I do make love to my husband regularly and appreciate our decent, simple small town life. Externally, we seem to have it all together as a couple and a family. It's in my head, and I have read up on what it could possibly be that is causing this. I would like to get some kind of diagnosis from a therapist. From what I've read, it's called 'limerence' which can be related to OCD. My crush has to be a symptom of something bigger.

 

I'm afraid of going to tell my husband that I want to go to a counselor, because it would be expensive and also he would blame himself for not 'making me happy.' Is there a way of telling him I have a problem in my head, without making it seem like he's to blame?

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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Don't tell him exactly why you want to go. Blame it on approaching middle age or something. This does have some hallmarks of a mid-life crisis so it's not a total lie.

 

Therapy should make you feel better

 

I have crushes all the time on celebrities. It's not that big of a deal. My husband jokes that at any given time there are a 1/2 dozen TV shows I could watch & be just as happy with the sound off because all I want is to watch tall dark & handsome. He's not wrong.

GorillaTheater Established Member

GorillaTheater

Posted
Posted
I'm afraid of going to tell my husband that I want to go to a counselor, because it would be expensive and also he would blame himself for not 'making me happy.' Is there a way of telling him I have a problem in my head, without making it seem like he's to blame?

 

He already knows that you suffer from depression, hence the AD medication, right? Tell him you've come to understand that the best way to deal with depression is to use ADs in conjunction with counseling. It's a true statement.

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Rick_B Member

Rick_B

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Good advice being given here.

 

My experience is having once been your 'husband' and finding out in a not good way about my wife's intense crush on a work colleague.

Only a couple of years after our divorce (other things contributed) did we go for a long walk and I finally heard the full truth that she thought she was in love with him.

In a way it was the perfect time to find out because she could also see in hindsight that she really wasn't. It was the idea of him - someone who literally jumped out of his seat when she came into the room - with hindsight I could understand.

At the time however it was pure torture - the trickle of truth as one person put it. Never trusting what she said when I confronted her because she was half lying to herself about it "it's just a stupid fantasy" she told me "I've always lived in a fantasy world" then anger at me for not allowing her to have her private world.

Only later did I find out that it wasn't just fantasy but a serious and very mutual open flirtation that could've become something more if they had dared.

 

My point is this. If your husband ever finds out a little - tell him everything and I mean everything. Treat him with respect that he should get to decide for himself if this is the marriage he wants. If on the other hand you can sort it out in secret then that might be the right choice.

But do sort it out and set a deadline. It's not fair to yourself to live in this stress.

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