Lexa Posted August 1, 2014 Posted August 1, 2014 correction: *help me not break NC. Hello all, Having a rough time after Sunday breakup. I need to move on, but I'm digging up things about him and getting angry and upset, tempted to break NC but that would be a bad move. He is older than me, and throughout the relationship the sinking feeling emerged that he is creepily interested in younger women. I believe he began lying to me about his past, the ages of his ex's, his sexual interest, etc. I did some investigating on one of his ex's and the story does not add up, I think he was over 30 and she was still in undergrad when they dated, and even worse, she may have been cheating on her now-husband. It does not matter now. But there's part of me that's so angry, and wants to call him and ask why he feels the need to lie about such things and basically accuse him further of being some creepy old guy. Another part of me retains hope that we will reconcile, that I'm simply paranoid and drawing conclusions where there are none. I feel like he lied because, why miss the opportunity to continue dating young girls? I hate looking back on the intimacy we shared with this disgusted, objectified feeling.
Moonborn Posted August 1, 2014 Posted August 1, 2014 But there's part of me that's so angry, and wants to call him and ask why he feels the need to lie about such things and basically accuse him further of being some creepy old guy. I would suggest writing these feelings down on a piece of paper. And then burning it. Nothing good can come from contacting him now, stay strong.
Author Lexa Posted August 1, 2014 Author Posted August 1, 2014 Hi Moonborn, Thank you for the support. On a piece of paper last night, I wrote all the reasons why what he's said about himself and the relationship with this woman make no sense, however I did NOT write my feelings down. I just wrote down a bunch of questions marks next to things, the word "bull****," and "DOES NOT ADD UP." On my way to work I looked at the woman's facebook profile and got myself riled up finding more "evidence" that he's a creeper, that she may have been engaged when they dated, etc. I know, unhealthy. I felt rage and sorrow building up and was almost in tears by the time I got to work... I just need to make it through the day. Because I wrote down logistics instead of feelings, should I write down feelings now while I am at work?
Toddbt12y1 Posted August 1, 2014 Posted August 1, 2014 Well you shouldn't. You expected him of messing with taken girls, long ago, and having interest in young women. You feel disgusted with him, what more reason do you need not to contact him, since you feel so disgusted. You know he would never tell you the truth from his lies. They never do. Stay strong. Know that you are the good one in this case, and he is wrong. Be hopeful, stay strong, and eventually move on
BC1980 Posted August 1, 2014 Posted August 1, 2014 You know he would never tell you the truth from his lies. They never do. Stay strong. Know that you are the good one in this case, and he is wrong. Be hopeful, stay strong, and eventually move on I agree with this. You are searching for answers, which is normal. However, who's to say if he will be truthful when confronted? The chances are that he won't tell the truth, especially if it would damage the way he sees himself. He probably didn't tell you the truth during the relationship, and he has even less of a reason to do it now. I know you want answers, which is part of the process of going through a breakup. But to be honest, would it even matter if you had all the answers? What would it change? We think that if we have all the answers, we can come to some kind of closure. The problem is that there are always more questions. If you did get a straight answer, then you would want to know WHY he cheated or likes younger women? It would be an endless cycle, so it's best to simply accept it for what it is and move on. 1
OwMyEyeball Posted August 1, 2014 Posted August 1, 2014 Best to let the temptation settle down a bit. You feel he may have been dishonest about his pursuits but lack any solid evidence. A lot of missing pieces. You also feel he's been lying and disingenuous. Perhaps he has been. Not much info to go on, but you trust your feelings. So let's say you approach him. Perhaps you were wrong and misread the scenario. You lash out and hurt him. He either lashes back or retreats. Things get complicated again. Or, your suspicions have some truth to them. So he admits to it, gives reasonable explanations and apologizes. Then what? You won't want him back anyhow. Plus, you don't really trust him to begin with. Maybe he is telling the truth, but it's almost irrelevant since he's broken your trust. Things get complicated again. Or, your suspicions have truth to them and he just starts lying. He presses your buttons. Passions erupt. Things get complicated again. No matter how many times you play it out in your head, it will never, ever go the way you expect. Or want.
Author Lexa Posted August 1, 2014 Author Posted August 1, 2014 The relationship had other problems and ended in a horrible way, so this is actually the least of my concerns; I think it's just a way of trying to hold on. This is pretty difficult. The thing is, the last time I had a breakup we literally never spoke to each other again, and I think that was damaging because I never got any closure. I just felt this emptiness, and my life took a bad turn after that. I don't want that to happen again, maybe I should contact him after 2 weeks? That's what he requested when we broke up anyways, but I was hoping for more like several months, since it ended so badly. I could try to contact him today, or we could never see each other again, right now those both seem like plausible possibilities. \:
Zahara Posted August 1, 2014 Posted August 1, 2014 The thing is, the last time I had a breakup we literally never spoke to each other again, and I think that was damaging because I never got any closure. I just felt this emptiness, and my life took a bad turn after that. Your closure is accepting that the relationship was riddled with issues and that he isn't the partner that you expected him to be. What's damaging is going back for closure because there is no such thing, especially when you're expecting it from someone that you could not trust. I don't want that to happen again, maybe I should contact him after 2 weeks? That's what he requested when we broke up anyways, but I was hoping for more like several months, since it ended so badly. Stop finding excuses to make contact. The priority is to shut it down, move forward and heal. I could try to contact him today, or we could never see each other again, right now those both seem like plausible possibilities. \: Stay NC. 2
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