Am I being manipulative?

[Gaeta]

A couple of weeks ago I started exchanging emails with this man. He got smitten extremely fast. He would send me several emails a day, several text, started calling me princess and angel, sent me love songs, several thoughts of the day talking about love and future.

 

After 4 days of this I started looking for air to breathe. I did want to meet him, other than his cheesy side he comes across as a good serious man.

 

So I was forward with him and told him all this romance talk was too much too soon for me. He had to stop it all otherwise knowing myself I will run off. I asked for no more princess, no more thoughts of the day, no more talk of love and future.

 

He agreed and complied.

 

We met and had a decent meeting. I am not super excited about meeting him but there is room for me to grow into him if he'd just let me get curious about him and not be in my face all the time.

 

The day following our meeting he asked if he could be released from the censure I had imposed on him. He would like to express himself freely about how he feels. I said no and I explained to him why.

 

1. Words are powerful. If you use important words lightly it takes away their meaning and their importance. Being told I am the light of your day after 1 meeting has no value to me. I want to hear these words when you actually know me inside THEN these words will touch me.

 

2. It is my experience that when it starts like a firework it ends like a fireworks. I am not interested in repeating mistakes I have done in the past so now I am extremely cautious and suspect of men being all over me right away

 

3. I have been single 10 years. If you overwhelm me I will run off.

 

He said he did not agree 100% with all I said. I am being too rational but he doesn't want to lose me so he'll comply.

 

My daughter says 'mom you know the drill, you know this is not the man of your life'. Well, no, I am not super excited about him BUT each time I got excited about a man it turned into nothing so I have been proven many times I cannot trust my man picker. This one I pick with my head for a change. He's into me and I see the possibility to grow into him.

 

Your thoughts?

[Smilecharmer]

Why try to change who he is right off the bat? He is who he is and the fact that you have to give him step by step instructions on how to interact with you means he isn't the right one for you so stop leading him on. Honestly, every guy who acted like him ended up being a stalker later on. You aren't compatible.

[Moonborn]

It also seems to me that you are not compatible. If he has to force himself into acting differently from what is natural for him now, how is it going to work in the future?

[Gaeta]

I forgot to add that he said he was glad I was giving him guidelines and he was willing to learn. That the last woman he dated ran off also for these reasons but she just cut him off instead of warning him.

[Smilecharmer]

I forgot to add that he said he was glad I was giving him guidelines and he was willing to learn. That the last woman he dated ran off also for these reasons but she just cut him off instead of warning him.

 

Then he has issues with boundaries and acting appropriately. The problem with men who have no standards and fall in love with everybody is that you could be anybody. Instructing someone constantly will feel less like a relationship and more like babysitting.

[Gaeta]

Him and I aren't from the same culture. People told him if he wants to date a french woman he has to 'lock and load' otherwise she'll next him in a heart beat *rolling my eyes*.

[writergal]

Gaeta this guy is suffocating you already with too much attention too soon. It set off your warning bells for a reason: it's totally inappropriate behavior from him.

 

I agree that this guy has major issues with boundaries and acting appropriately as Smilecharmer said. It's very creepy behavior from him. Very creepy.

 

Why would you go out with him again? He won't change. He's shown you who he is already. Believe him.

[writergal]

I forgot to add that he said he was glad I was giving him guidelines and he was willing to learn. That the last woman he dated ran off also for these reasons but she just cut him off instead of warning him.

 

She was a smart woman.

[serial muse]

I'm hoping this isn't the same guy who negged you on your first date...?

[Gaeta]

I'm hoping this isn't the same guy who negged you on your first date...?

 

Not the same man

[Mrin]

Ok, setting aside cultural differences: you two either aren't compatible or you should consider if 10 years of singlehood/dating has made you too emotionally guarded. It is probably both right? You can't go through 10 years of dating and not be a romance veteran. And you're a very active dater from what I can tell. So you develop boundaries. You've been there and done that. You've been hurt. You've hurt others. So it is really hard when bombarded by effusive puppy love to do anything other than should "whoa tiger!".

 

The question is and one all of us vets should think about is - would be we prepared to shed all this armor, all these boundaries, all this thick skin if we met someone truly special? Open ourselves up unconditionally. Open ourselves up to soul crushing vulnerability? I dunno - it is a good question and one I'm experiencing right now. For me, it is the living in the moment - the assumption that this relationship might only last another minute, or hour, or day but I'm going to enjoy every second of it while it lasts. No expectations.

 

All that being said - doesn't sound like there is that sort of chemistry between you two. He might feel it - you don't. So while you're being honest by putting parameters on his conduct - it is clear that this will be a lopsided relationship and will only feel smothering to you.

 

Culture taken into the equation - you sure this just isn't his culture? If so, maybe you should avoid it or just chalk up his behavior to charming but confusing cultural traits.

[PegNosePete]

Oh man, serious creep/nutter alert. If someone was telling me all those things before even meeting, I would have bailed a long time ago. That is just desperate and quite obviously unrealistic. No you're not being manipulative but HE is! Using all those strong words in order to make you feel more connected/attached... then when you say it's wrong, he is willing to bend over backwards to please you. How can you believe a word he says when you know that what he has said so far can't possibly be true?

[Gaeta]

then when you say it's wrong, he is willing to bend over backwards to please you. How can you believe a word he says when you know that what he has said so far can't possibly be true?

Excellent point.

[Gaeta]

The question is and one all of us vets should think about is - would be we prepared to shed all this armor, all these boundaries, all this thick skin if we met someone truly special? Open ourselves up unconditionally. Open ourselves up to soul crushing vulnerability? I dunno - it is a good question and one I'm experiencing right now. For me, it is the living in the moment - the assumption that this relationship might only last another minute, or hour, or day but I'm going to enjoy every second of it while it lasts. No expectations.

 

That is part of his speech. My answer to that is without our past there are no lessons learn and no wisdom acquired.

 

I am all for opening myself to someone special but you cannot know if someone is special after 1 meeting, right.

 

I don't do living in the moment anymore. All it got me is just that 'moments' and nothing more.

[RonaldS]

You shouldn't have to tell a grown man how to act.

[carrie_o]

That is way too soon. It would sound nice if there was real emotion behind his words, but it is empty when said so early. Explain why you don't like his behavior and then move on.

[MissBee]

I probably wouldn't have met him to begin with.

 

Doing all that too soon and insisting you must is a huge red flag to me.

 

It has happened to me and it has NEVER turned out well.

 

I understand you're trying to fix your picker but you're not listening to your intuition. All these men you post about turn out exactly as you feared they would, yet you tried to give them a chance. Listen to yourself.

[The Way I Am]

Him and I aren't from the same culture. People told him if he wants to date a french woman he has to 'lock and load' otherwise she'll next him in a heart beat *rolling my eyes*.

 

I'm confused. Are you saying he's acting this way because people told him he should? But he's asking you for permission to act that way in order to express himself after you told him he shouldn't. And the last woman he dated was turned off by it. It sounds like that's who he is not how he's acting because people told him he needs to act.

 

Honestly, this isn't thinking with your head. Your head should be telling you that men who come on this strong have issues.

 

He doesn't even know you but has all these intense feelings for you that he can't keep to himself? You're just a stand-in for his fantasy of a woman. The biggest problem with this type of behavior is when you fall for it and get attached, but the man starts to realize that you're your own person not his object of fantasy. Lots of unhealthy ways that can turn out.

Edited August 1, 2014 by The Way I Am

[Ninjainpajamas]

You're thinking clearly and making the right call but you still seem intent on wasting your own time by giving this guy a chance...stop doubting your gut feeling, don't explain to him what he's doing wrong, he's not a genuine guy who takes what he says seriously that's why he says it.

 

Trust yourself instead of second guessing and leaving room to turn a wise assessment into another "I told myself so" by finding out the hard way.

[littleplanet]

Methinks the lady is too kind.

 

Manufactured mush is as nutritious as instant chalk gravy.

You're absolutely right of course, to tell him to bloody well back the hell off.

His whole mode of operation is out of whack.

He's Pepe la Pew.....(besotted by love at first notion.)

 

Which strikes me as mega-desperation. Wow.

The flattery makes meaningless any real point of reference.

Beneath all the dreck he might actually be a nice guy....

but I'm afraid this looks like you'll probably have to hand him the pink slip.

 

He's not real.

Between you and his vision are a million miles of fantasy make-believe.

If he knew how to be real, he wouldn't be doing what he's doing.

When you show up for a pleasant, meandering stroll, and the starter pistol has already gone off in his head, and the next thing you know it feels like an Olympic sprint to the finish line, well.....is that not just a little too adolescent for your taste?

 

Of course you want something more than 'moments'.

Like that long lovely trail wandered down when two people know how to take the time to actually get to know each other.

If he already "knows" you (in his head) then he's fine with you remaining a perfect stranger.

Which is just the fortune cookie without the meal.

[GemmaUK]

I'd be running for the hills and blocking the guy!

 

Nutter alert!

 

Too much all too soon.

Trust your instincts Gaeta.

[GemmaUK]

Interesting podcast.

 

There's a reason why I would never tell a man who was coming on too strong like this what it was that was turning me off though is that somewhere along the line they want to revert back to it. Whether that be by asking or by simply reverting back.

Or will find reasons to validate why it is perfectly OK and that the woman is 'being too rational' or is 'wrong' in her thinking etc..

 

The demands and pressure put on by a man like this can be huge.

Also, later down the line (and after controlling the initial stages) they will need to find other things to control.

 

Harry W, how do we distinguish between a man who is simply 'over keen' and one who is over keen but can then go on to become controlling and abusive?

[Gaeta]

Thank you Harry. I am seriously considering sending this to him. In my case it's too late, the damage he did cannot be repaired but that would give him an insight on what went wrong.

 

UPDATE:

 

Last night we made plans to do something tonight then I headed to my friend for a visit. Through the evening he kept asking by text if I were back home and to let him know when I would be back home.

 

I got home around midnight and he was still inquiring if I was home. When I came in I said 'I'm home`. Then he made a comment about getting worried because I had told him much earlier I was heading home and he was not hearing about me. I could have jumped all over this but I was too tired and decided to let it slide and go to bed, it was past midnight.

 

At 7h30 this morning he was texting me his `thought of the day`...and I lost it. I was not rude with him told him straight that he knew I had gone to bed past midnight why was he texting me at 7h30 AM on a Saturday morning !! Then I said he was acting like someone suffering from emotional dependency and I could not deal with this, maybe there is a woman out there that would appreciate his personality and him being so emotional but it was not me, I am too rational and I am not well with this dynamic. I did not wish to continue being in contact and wished him luck.

 

He replied I was right and he was ready to change, he went on about how 2 rational or 2 emotional people could not make it work in a relationship and we can balance each other if I only wanted to put in some efforts.

 

I ended it with efforts are for people in relationships. Him and I are strangers. I did not even process yet if I like him and he's already at making efforts to save a relationship.

[GemmaUK]

Hmmm..I see Harry has been removed..

 

The behaviour you have described there Gaeta is what I experienced with the last man I dated, though the behaviours you described here came out from my ex later down the line there were early random signs that I wished I had picked up on but I thought them ridiculous from a man in his forties so initially laughed wierd behaviour off.

 

I hope that he takes no for an answer.

Be prepared that he may not.