ExposedBrick Posted August 1, 2014 Posted August 1, 2014 I've been seeing a woman for about two months. When we are together, I enjoy myself and feel comfortable around her. The conversations are comfortable. She is physically attractive enough. The sex is mediocre, but it's only been a few weeks so it could improve. She has impeccable character traits. We have similar values regarding finance and religion, which can be hard to come by. Despite all these great things, it just doesn't feel quite right. I'm not sure if it lacks what is often referred to as chemistry? I can't seem to figure it out. I like her a lot but in just not sure if I'll ever love her. There seems to be a spark at times, but other times there isn't. I've been hurt in the past and not sure if my mind I'd trying go to sabotage this or if it's legitimately not a good fit. Has anyone felt highly compatible with someone but it took longer for a consistent level of chemistry to develop? My mind says stay with her, but my gut seems to disagree.
d0nnivain Posted August 1, 2014 Posted August 1, 2014 Chemistry is instantaneous. It's either there or it's not. Love takes longer to develop over time. You may be holding back because you are scared of getting hurt. If you woke up married twenty years from now would you be happy about it or disappointed that there wasn't "more"? 3
Author ExposedBrick Posted August 1, 2014 Author Posted August 1, 2014 Chemistry is instantaneous. It's either there or it's not. Love takes longer to develop over time. You may be holding back because you are scared of getting hurt. If you woke up married twenty years from now would you be happy about it or disappointed that there wasn't "more"? The chemistry has sort of been up and then down/mediocre. It's tricky since it's obvious she is very into me. In the past, I had strong feelings immediately and maybe things moved too quickly. I've tried to make an effort to take things slowly and really get to know her before making that judgment. She isn't necessarily the type of person I had in mind, but we seem to get along well. This might be why I'm so critical of things initially. How long does love take to develop?
d0nnivain Posted August 1, 2014 Posted August 1, 2014 The amount of time it takes love to develop varies. It's not like a cookbook. . . heat at 350F for 1 hour. You can't say 2 dates per week for 3 months equals love. The fact that she's different might be good. If the people you dated in the past were similar but those relationships didn't work different may be just what you need. Take it one day at a time.
central Posted August 1, 2014 Posted August 1, 2014 Compatibility AND chemistry are both essential for a good relationship. Chemistry/passion can sometimes grow, but if you're not feeling it, then continuing is a bad idea. The words I see are "comfortable" and "mediocre." The words I'd want you to think of are extraordinary, exciting, passionate, incredible, etc.
Author ExposedBrick Posted August 1, 2014 Author Posted August 1, 2014 The amount of time it takes love to develop varies. It's not like a cookbook. . . heat at 350F for 1 hour. You can't say 2 dates per week for 3 months equals love. The fact that she's different might be good. If the people you dated in the past were similar but those relationships didn't work different may be just what you need. Take it one day at a time. Unfortunately, she actually has a lot of the same qualities of my first love, which really crushed me at the end of the relationship. I actually pictured myself with a different type of woman after that. I can't help but be concerned that some of the compatibility issues we had will crop up again. The new girl is definitely different in key ways(religious affiliation), but it's hard to overlook the similarities. Both women are very straight laced, by the book, don't stay out too late types. In the past, it was a problem that I like to socialize and stay out late. I dated one woman in the past year with similar social habits but she was a little off her rocker. I loved the fact she would initiate social outings though. Is it normal to be undecided about the long-term prospect of a person after two months of maybe two dates per week?
central Posted August 1, 2014 Posted August 1, 2014 Is it normal to be undecided about the long-term prospect of a person after two months of maybe two dates per week? It's not ABnormal, but it's certainly a very clear sign that she's NOT right for you.
Author ExposedBrick Posted August 1, 2014 Author Posted August 1, 2014 It's not ABnormal, but it's certainly a very clear sign that she's NOT right for you. I feel like she might not be getting a fair chance due the similarities with a prior gf, which is why I'm reluctant to let her go without further evaluation. I'm having trouble teasing out whether there is poor chemistry vs. me making pre-conceived judgments. If I am making judgments from previous experience, is that wrong?
Sunfire73 Posted August 1, 2014 Posted August 1, 2014 If you have doubts then it's not going to get better. It's hard to make a relationship work when you don't feel that excited about her. It could be a lot of different reasons, but sometimes timing plays a part. Maybe you need some time to work on yourself, or maybe she's not really the one. But I don't see this working out if you just feel blah, when the first few months of the relationship should be the honeymoon stage. You can give it more time, but know when it's clearly not going to improve.
Zippy2000 Posted August 1, 2014 Posted August 1, 2014 Your barriers are up from previous relationship. Try not to live in the past and giver her a chance.
Author ExposedBrick Posted August 1, 2014 Author Posted August 1, 2014 It's not ABnormal, but it's certainly a very clear sign that she's NOT right for you. If we truly lack chemistry, shouldn't we both notice that?
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted August 1, 2014 Posted August 1, 2014 Are you the male equivalent of me? I was in this exact situation for a long time. The man in question was totally stellar, and sometimes being with him felt absolutely right. But sometimes it just didn't feel right at all. Our physical chemistry was pretty decent. I was confused; why should I be unhappy? He was so handsome, he was everything I wanted on paper, and he was very interested in me, so what was my problem? I ignored a number of red flags: I constantly had to remind myself of all his great qualities, I blamed my dissatisfaction on myself, I never wanted to initiate sex even though he was quite handsome, I told myself that my feelings were "normal". If you have to convince yourself that you're in the right relationship then you are not in the right relationship. Spare yourself and, more importantly, spare her before she gets too deeply involved. 2
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