Is it too late to bring up the subject?

[thefilmguy24]

I have a predicament that I’m trying to figure out since it’s been over a year. I’m 32 and my GF is 35 and we have a 2 ½ year old daughter together. In my earlier posts that I have about my GF maybe having an EA or PA with another guy, I’m wondering what is the best way to bring up the subject casually if she ever did anything with OM? And is it too late since it's been a year? Basically all I have to go on is some Facebook messages that I found through a gut instinct that something was off with our relationship. My GF is Filipina so a majority of the messages were in Tagalog with another Filipino guy that she knows, but I have never met because he lives in Dubai. I found these messages last summer and had most of the messages translated by a friend of mine that speaks Tagalog. The messages included him calling her “babe” and “his soulmate 24/7.” He even said he missed her and loved her, but she never really reciprocated his feelings towards her to him. She tell him that she missed him, but never called him “babe” or any other pet name and never told him that she loved him.

 

She was going to go to the Philippines with her mom and my daughter to visit some family on vacation( I couldn’t go because I just started a new job). After I found the messages I saved most of them because she ended up deleting the messages when she came back when she found out I got into her Facebook account, which she also changed her password(kind of shady right? If nothing to hide, why delete the messages and change the password?). She was the one who actually confronted me that day about me looking in her account. I then proceeded to ask who this guy was. She gave me the “he’s just an old friend” speech. I then asked her if they met up and she said “No.” I then asked her why he was calling her “babe” and his “soulmate” and telling her he loved her. Her response was that’s the way they talk with each other. I know that was lie because I don’t tell my friends that are females “babe” and tell them “I love you.”

 

I know I should have pressed the issue more, but I dropped it(and my balls apparently too). But I later found out that she lied to me because I got the whole messages translate and was told that they did meet in the PI. Now I may have missed my chance to confront her and all I have is Facebook messages that they were in the same city to meet up, but is there still a chance to bring it up, possibly casually? Or has the chance gone by since it’s been over a year? Plus we have been better before all the sh*t hit the fan and there has been NC with him since then as well. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you in advance.

[dichotomy]

Look you found messages - what more do you need? Soul mate? babe I love you?.

 

You did not install monitoring software on her PC, check her phone, or other spying?

 

I suppose you could hire a Private investigator there where she is going to follow her.

 

General rule is do not talk about an alleged affair or possible OM/OW - try get them to confess or be honest - with skimpy evidence or suspicions or feelings - unless you got rock solid evidence.

Edited July 31, 2014 by dichotomy

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed and your wife found these messages that you found do you honestly think she would be as timid as you about bringing it up?

[Mr. Lucky]

General rule is do not talk about an alleged affair or possible OM/OW - try get them to confess or be honest - with skimpy evidence or suspicions or feelings - unless you got rock solid evidence.

And that's because you risk driving them further underground once they know you're suspicious.

 

Look thefilmguy24, I know from your other thread you're conflicted. You want to trust but you want to know. You want to believe but your gut tells you otherwise.

 

In this case, you'll have to pick one of those two choices. And were it me and I wanted to sleep soundly at night, would be an easy decision...

 

Mr. Lucky

[GorillaTheater]

It would have been best to have blown this up on the spot, but is it too late? Nope. Unless you want it to keep gnawing at you. Because it can, for decades.

 

The most important question is not whether it's too late, but whether you can expect to get the truth. How can you be assured you'll get it, and do you know enough to separate the truth from more lies?

 

One way may be some current monitoring of her phone and emails.

[thefilmguy24]

Look you found messages - what more do you need? Soul mate? babe I love you?.

 

You did not install monitoring software on her PC, check her phone, or other spying?

 

I suppose you could hire a Private investigator there where she is going to follow her.

 

General rule is do not talk about an alleged affair or possible OM/OW - try get them to confess or be honest - with skimpy evidence or suspicions or feelings - unless you got rock solid evidence.

 

I did not use any software to find the messages. She left her Facebook account open. To clarify, I couldn't hire a PI to follow her since she was going to the Philippines plus I didn't have the money to afford one either.

One way may be some current monitoring of her phone and emails.

 

I have sporadically been monitoring her phone and Facebook account and so far I have found nothing suspicious.

 

Look thefilmguy24, I know from your other thread you're conflicted. You want to trust but you want to know. You want to believe but your gut tells you otherwise.

 

You are right that I may be conflicted because I do love her and want to believe her and trust her. So far she has been working on earning her trust back by leaving her phone unlocked and lying out in the open. She even knows that I know her password to her phone so there is no concern on her part of me looking through her phone. And she hasn't changed her password. I guess I have to figure out if I can live it not knowing and letting it go since I have already let it go for this long.

[dichotomy]

I did not use any software to find the messages. She left her Facebook account open. To clarify, I couldn't hire a PI to follow her since she was going to the Philippines plus I didn't have the money to afford one either.

 

 

I have sporadically been monitoring her phone and Facebook account and so far I have found nothing suspicious.

 

 

.

 

If she was going to the PI then maybe this was an old BF or lover, and she wished to see him and relive old feelings (even if not sexually) and was not going to tell you he was an old lover - Still cheating but just shy of full blown.

 

If there have been no message or calls since then - they either went underground, or they were just connecting before her trip. No way for her to see him now since he lives there.

 

I am not sure on any other trips - is she planning another trip there again with out you? If she does - hire a Private Investigator and borow the money from anyone you can.

 

www.philippinepi dot com.

 

In the mean time - you must install a key logger on the PC at home. There are other tricks and devices you can use as well.

 

How has the sex life, respect, affection and emotions been from her before and since that trip?

 

Don't act wimpy insecure, like she did cheat that will only make things worse - whether she cheated or not. Confident, secure, cocky is your act right now.

Edited August 1, 2014 by dichotomy

[JS84]

Did you at least save the messages?? It shouldn't be hard to find a third party to translate if you did.

[thefilmguy24]

How has the sex life, respect, affection and emotions been from her before and since that trip?

 

Don't act wimpy insecure, like she did cheat that will only make things worse - whether she cheated or not. Confident, secure, cocky is your act right now.

 

Our sex life has gotten better in my sense because when all of this was happening last year, we weren't intimate for 22 months. It started happening a little bit after our daughter was born. But it has been better since February of this year. We have made it a plan to have a weekend getaway every month just the two of us and just enjoy each other's company. On those weekends we do have our intimate moments. To some that may seem like that's not enough, but it's very hard for us to have sex at home due to living at her parents' house and with a house full of people. We are trying to save a get a place of our own.

I have been acting pretty secure around her, but I think I need to be a little more assertive when it comes to the sex part. I think I'm going to have to try your advice on this part.

 

If t have been no message or calls since then - they either went underground, or they were just connecting before her trip. No way for her to see him now since he lives there.here

 

They haven't gone underground and he lives in Dubai actually. And she has not planned any other vacations without me because she knows how I feel about that.

 

Did you at least save the messages?? It shouldn't be hard to find a third party to translate if you did.

 

Yes I did save them and had them translated by a friend of mine. It's stated in the post.

[bubbaganoosh]

If you feel that there is more to it, then ask. If she gives you the run around, then set up a polygraph test and tell her that if nothing happened then it will show up on the test.

 

If she tells you that she wont take it then maybe there is more to the story that you don't know about and let her know that the only way it will be cleared up is by taking the polygraph.

 

If she wants the marriage to work, she'll take it but if she passes the test, no doubt she will be pissed for you not believing her but it's a chance you have to take.

[Chi townD]

Our sex life has gotten better in my sense because when all of this was happening last year, we weren't intimate for 22 months. It started happening a little bit after our daughter was born. But it has been better since February of this year. We have made it a plan to have a weekend getaway every month just the two of us and just enjoy each other's company. On those weekends we do have our intimate moments. To some that may seem like that's not enough, but it's very hard for us to have sex at home due to living at her parents' house and with a house full of people. We are trying to save a get a place of our own.

I have been acting pretty secure around her, but I think I need to be a little more assertive when it comes to the sex part. I think I'm going to have to try your advice on this part.

 

 

 

 

 

Okay, sex life started to improve after February, Let me guess. This was AFTER her trip back from PI? If this is the case then it could be a case of one sided hysterical bonding. Hysterical bonding is a primal and animalistic response to "reclaim" what you believe belongs to you.

 

 

If I remember your story correctly, she came back from PI and was weepy. She claim she made a mistake but never told you what that mistake was. NOW, you discovered that she met up with this guy and probably slept with this dude over there and when she came back, your sex life improved. She wanted you to "reclaim" her as yours.

[harrybrown]

Go ahead and bring it up with her.

 

She needs to show total remorse. Hopefully she was tested for stds.

 

This is still bothering you. You have to go thru this and not around it.

 

Rugsweeping will never get you any peace and you will be hurt even more the next time.

 

Try to fix it before there is a next time.

[thefilmguy24]

Ok. I got a little advice from my brother and he has gotten back into church and has told me that maybe I need to just forgive and forget and come back to church where everything else will fall into place. From what he’s told me that it seems to him that everything has been looking better for us and he has noticed that she is happier around me and my family. He told me that it doesn’t seem like she’s putting up a front but actually being genuine. I have been thinking of going back to church and getting God back into my life as there is something missing and maybe that is what it is. As of late, I haven’t even been thinking about what happened even though this guy did send a message on Facebook to wish her a Happy Birthday but that was all that was said. I don’t think I have anything to worry about since all she said was ‘Thank you” and nothing else. This happened last week. My brother told me I should leave it alone, stop snooping and just give her the benefit of the doubt and let God take the driver’s seat

[CarrieT]

Wow.

 

With all due respect, I think your brother is whacko.

 

Words cannot express my incredulity that someone who found evidence of cheating would willingly sweep it under the rug because of "the church."

 

My mind is blown.

[Timmos]

... this guy did send a message on Facebook to wish her a Happy Birthday but that was all that was said. I don’t think I have anything to worry about since all she said was ‘Thank you” and nothing else.

 

Uh oh.

 

I go to church too, but no way would that be happening.