Timmos Posted July 31, 2014 Posted July 31, 2014 So, things are going well. My fWW and I are both still in IC and her counselor is pleased with the progress she has been making. After months of IC for me, I finally broke down and cried for the first time in last month's session. What we discussed was quite a break through and has helped me quite a bit over the last couple weeks. Home life has improved a great deal. We're cleaning out the house, trying to get rid of excess stuff/clutter. Partly in order to keep ourselves busy, partly to prepare for a move if we ever get the chance to do so. Both of us want to relocate far away from here, to start anew somewhere where we might be happier, but finances is a monster that has haunted us for many years and we never seem to have the money to seriously consider getting out of the area. Overall, we're doing well though. We spend a lot more time together, we do things for each other, we have weekly date nights every Friday, and our communication is better now than it probably ever was. But then I see a Facebook post from a couple college friends who are celebrating their fourth wedding anniversary and I am wrecked. They're both great people and seem so happy and in love - and I am terribly envious of that. But after all this past year's mess (1st DDay Anniversary is coming up at the end of September), I can't help but wonder which one will cheat on the other first. I love her, and I don't want to leave or for her to leave, but there are some days I just feel so hollow inside. I really miss the way I used to feel about her, so head over heels. I keep waiting for the day it'll come back, but from what I've read, most agree that it simply doesn't. Does anyone here disagree? Is it ever possible to feel the way you did pre-affair? I'll stop now, as I feel like I'm just rambling and I really don't know where I'm going with this. Heh.
atreides Posted July 31, 2014 Posted July 31, 2014 Does anyone here disagree? Is it ever possible to feel the way you did pre-affair? Yes, within my own family and a few very close friends... it is possible and one couple says they are even better. It takes time, but make sure it is what you want for all the right and not wrong reasons. best to you 1
DKT3 Posted July 31, 2014 Posted July 31, 2014 No, it will never be what it was. That doesn't mean it can't be better, its just different. These event can grow your relationship just as they can kill it. It depends on the people involved. I once viewed my ex wife as near perfect, I had expectations of her, that if I'm being honest were unreal. I had trust in her that exposed me, and blinded me to things that I shuld have seen. I do miss the days when I could look at her and think "man I'm lucky to have found the PERFECT woman" now I realize she isn't perfect, she is human and flawed just like all humans. That doesn't mean she still isn't perfect for ME. Its gone, and will never be the same. Remember this, same is what lead to the affair. Make it better, learn from the mistake and grow as people which will grow the relationship. 4
jm2013 Posted July 31, 2014 Posted July 31, 2014 Glad to see things are going well! Ironically, our Ddays happened in the same month and year. I felt the same way but try to look at it from a different perspective now. I don't want to feel the way I did pre-affair. I'm looking for a more connected experience with my wife NOW than we ever had before. My wife and I are connecting on so many new levels it is crazy. There were elements in place before that were suppressing this. But those don't exists anymore and things are going extremely well. I don't know about you, but I'm planning on liquidating the rings when I'm ready to get new ones. I'll be ready to write a new chapter in our lives. New everything. I don't even want to be in the house we are in anymore. My wife and I have also introduced God into our lives and have both become more spiritual and active in our Church. There's a term in Christianity called "born again". While I believe we can all be born again through Christ, I also believe my marriage can too. When we renew our vows it will be in front of a God we both now believe in and will have much more meaning to both of us. I know there's a lot of non religious people on here who will probably cringe by what I have said but our new faith has helped us in ways never imagined. Good luck to you and your wife.
atreides Posted July 31, 2014 Posted July 31, 2014 Yea i think DKT is to the point but I interpret the OP to mean can the relationship be as strong as before. I agree it will be different, perhaps better, as strong or stronger.... but yes not the same.
Author Timmos Posted July 31, 2014 Author Posted July 31, 2014 I'm a lot like DKT, I had her up on such a pillar. I think he described it pretty well.
Davey L Posted July 31, 2014 Posted July 31, 2014 Like DKT3 I have to say it can never be the same again. Something has changed forever. I have found this still to be true after 18 years. That doesn't mean it can't be good again after some time, just that it will never be the same, you will never feel the same way about your wife that you did before.
jm2013 Posted July 31, 2014 Posted July 31, 2014 I have to ask you guys a question. When we all first got married things were good..The honeymoon stage (well I'd at least hope right?) - I think this is the phase you all are talking about. What about the stale part of your marriage? Was that good? I'll say stale, boring, not meshing or whatever you want to call it. There was most likely a period of time whether it be months, years or whatever where your marriage hit a point where things may have become meh but you still loved each other. This is where the point affairs start happening whether it comes from neglect, no sex or whatever resentment toward the other person. No, they shouldn't happen at but they do. And no, there's no excuse for an affair. These are just things that lead to the temptations of one. Now for those of you who are in a R now how do you see this new person in front of you? Are they different? Did that person change? Are things "better" than what they were before you uncovered their infidelity? More communication, sex, fun and things you either haven't experience in a long time or haven't experience at all? I am a firm believer people change. We are all human and we do make mistakes. Also, for those in reconciliation are you and your spouse "happy" right now? Is the rear view mirror the only thing stopping progress right now? I am working on this too. But each day that goes by it does feel like it's getting better. 1
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