Complicated relationship, I really want to keep it from falling apart :s

[Leeloulove]

So basically I have been with this guy for 9 months now, we went out officially for 6 months and we are still seeing each other now. Our relationship was great, even though I was always the one making most of the efforts (3 times out of 4, I was the one planning our dates/ initiating the text messages). But we were happy, we fell in love, and he was really romantic.

 

But after 5 months of bliss, I realized there was a problem, I realized I wanted more out of this relationship, I wanted him to plan things too and to be the first to send messages more often. Later on I learned that my over planning and super long romantic messages were a bit too much for him, and that that was one of the reasons he had let me 'take over' the relationship, without ever telling me he wanted things to be more spontaneous and less 'mushy-mushy' because he loved me and didn't want to change me.

 

Anyways so aI told him how I had started feeling like I was making most of the efforts and it made him very sad because he thought we were perfectly happy, and I did too before that 5 month mark. I know it was my fault too, because at first it was him planning and sending the messages, and I know I started taking over the relationship and controlling things and he let me. So when I told him he said he felt like he didn't deserve me if he wasn't giving me what a good boyfriend should, he said he didn't want to break up because he loved me but would understand if I didn't want to be with him, and he changed all of a sudden and became distant, he kept saying I wasn't happy with him and that he didn't deserve me. And we grew more and more distant at that time, and that is when he cheated on me and kissed another girl.

 

I found out about it and we broke up. But I missed him too much and wrote to him, at first he was hesitant to start seeing each other again because he felt too bad about what he had done, he felt like **** and like I shouldn't be giving him a second chance. But I did, and he admitted to me that he didn't love me anymore and that if he would be getting in a new relationship with me, he didn't want to start having feelings again because the only way he could not feel guilty for having cheated on me was if he shut down all his feelings of caring for me.

 

So at first I didn't want to start a relationship based on the physical aspect, but then I decided to try it out because I loved him too much to not have him in my life. But the problem is that his feelings came back quickly, everything started coming back: he started making love to me again the way he used to when we were going out and he loved me, he started being sweet in our text message convos again, we began spending a lot of time just being together, talking, laughing, watching movies, just chilling together at my place...

 

And then I left for a month for summer vacation, and during that time he missed me so incredibly much, and realized just how much he had started caring for me again. He kept saying he could not wait to see me again, to be with me, how he was always thinking about me and was crazy about me again. But then I came home and we saw each other and things were not as amazing as we had hoped they would be, because the thing is that ever since he has realized he's maybe falling in love with me again, he doesn't want just the physical side anymore, he wants to be happy and feel the sparks we used to feel when we were together!

 

But I think that the fact that we are not going out on dates makes it a little dull: we make love, and then talk for hours and maybe watch a movie. So no wonder it's getting old, no wonder that now that his feelings are back and that he expects so much more out of this relationship he thinks the time we spend together is not as thrilling or as great as before since we don't do much now...

 

What should I do? I wish I could tell him we should start going on dates again, but the thing is that he still doesn't want to be in an official relationship, so that's not option… Should I still try asking him? Or should I try spicing things up when we are together, maybe plan games or things to do to keep it from getting boring? Please help, I don't want to lose him, especially now that he is starting to have feelings again… :s

[Tbisb74]

Never go back because you can't put an onion back into its skin, once it's all chopped to pieces. It's not complicated at all. You just think it is, because you can't see the wood for the trees. You love each other enough to have sex, but not enough to commit. This is an intense FWB, almost. Cut the ties, give yourselves 6 months complete no Contact and see how you feel then. I suspect you're in love with the idea of being in love; you both want that feeling. But not with each other. And I think you both need to move on. Hurting each other is the last thing you want to do, that's obvious. But you need time apart, and I think you could be good friends, but not now; not yet. You need to go your separate ways.

Edited July 31, 2014 by Tbisb74

[Leeloulove]

I agree, but I feel like leaving the relationship because it's not perfect is a cowardly and stupid thing to do... Everything in life takes work and personal investment to grow into something strong and beautiful, and yes we broke up and started from scratch, but look: he got into this 'intense FWB' wanting to have only the physical and desire aspect of the relationship, and now his feelings are creeping up again and he is starting to want more, to want the relationship to have a spark and be intense again... So progress is being made little by little, so shouldn't I wait and try again? Try to work at it, not give up on love, on him? I know he is capable of loving me, of being truly happy with me, so maybe we can get to that place again?