Need to break up but heartbroken about it

[jb82]

I know that I need to break up with my live in bf. There are many reasons but the primary is that we are very different - have different goals, values, etc. For a while I thought I could just deal with it as we get along quite well, but I don't think that "just dealing with it" is the right way to live life. We haven't been intimate in over a year and frankly I don't ever want to again (nor does he to my knowledge). We have a sort of companionship arrangement going on. I really want to have a chance to have kids and am getting to the end of child bearing years. It's not going to work out with him in that way.

 

I am heartbroken of course. He is the closest person in my life - it will be like losing my best friend. He will be angry and offended and will likely be difficult to get to leave. I had broken it off once before for the same reason and he didn't move out so we fell back into the pattern. I don't know how to handle the living together thing, I don't know how to handle losing the closest friend I have, I don't know how to deal with him when he's irate. He is a very jealous and spiteful person in these situations which complicates things - I don't think he really loves me in a romantic way but it's like my suggestion to break up makes him defensive so that he thinks he does for some reason.

 

But it's not fair to go on. If anyone has any advice to work this out I would appreciate it. There are no other people in the wings on my end. I want to do this the right way. I feel very defeated and exhausted at this point.

[nelnel37]

Well you are wasting your child bearing years. I wasted mine too. I wasted 16 years thinking my guy was awesome but now i see the real him. The real him is not what u hope for him to be or become. It is him. I feel sorry seeing women wasting time waiting for the guy to change. I don't want anyone to go through what i am now. And how on earth do i post a question?? I really need help :-( mine got worse not better over the years. He has tried to kill me. And i cant sleep at night with him anymore cause im scared i will wake up dead :-( just get courage i know its hard but you will be sorry you stayed. Now last night mine put his finger wrapped in a blanket under my nose as he thought i was asleep. I was facing away from him. He said he was checking to see if i was breathing. See that is dumb I'm still here. Unless their is a way to check to see if someone is breathing using a blanket wrapped around your hand. :-( 16 years down the drain my soul mate wants me dead. I have no idea how to leave either :-(

[Poppyolive]

That escalated quickly.

 

I'm sorry you are both ^^^^ in this position. I'll answer ops question. Well its good that you already know what needs to be done. Its not going to be easy. There's going to be heaps of emotions flying about for the next bit. I suggest you have somewhere else to go/stay. Until you can divide up your joined life.

 

I think you'll need to be very firm, with no open doors, just to ease the breakup and his feelings. Reading through here, dumpees post a lot (I was one) it hurts. It hurts a lot. So after its done you need to leave him be. Sadly you'll loose him as a friend too. You both will be OK...in time.

 

Remember be clear & firm. Let him move on.

[Tbisb74]

Ladies. First work out what your payoff is. Then see whether it really is worth sticking around for it. When people remain in a negative, unfruitful and seemingly hopeless situation, there is always, but always a payoff. The door is there, the bags are there and you have two legs, two arms and a will to live. Ask yourselves what the hell you're doing, what you are gaining from it that keeps you there - and challenge it. And don't tell me it's 'fear of the unknown', because it's an empty, ephemeral imaginary fear. And if fear keeps you rooted to the spot, what are you fearful of? What could possibly be worse than having the freedom you crave. You know what you want. You know your heart's and mind's desire. But this unseen fear keeps you rooted to the spot. Gracious me, what a way to slowly die.....And nelnel37 - you really should have begun your own thread, and not hijacked this one. Your post is important enough to stand on its own.

[jb82]

My payoff is definitely the social interaction and having someone to do things with. I think that if we were 70 this would be a great relationship based on companionship but I guess I want more than that. I was never dishonest about this but he was. It makes me sad to see families with kids and now at our age they are off to school and he is still trying to figure out what he wants.

 

I want to avoid moving out as it is my house and, as mentioned, he is spiteful when he feels wronged. I could see him doing something like ruining something or even theoretically taking things of mine thinking that he is justified. I don't want him alone in the house with time to think. He is a nice guy 99% of the time but I have seen him turn into mr Hyde more than once. He is also an opportunist - he will wait until I am weak and then manipulate me into taking him back by saying all of those things he knows I want, but it doesn't happen. Nothing ever changes. We are just not right together.

[Tbisb74]

You need an arbiter. Someone who can be with you as an impartial support, while you ask him, please to leave the house and convey to him that you consider this to be over. It really doesn't matter a jot that you have someone with you; the social ethics of it don't figure. If you need 'Dutch courage' by having a person to see that things are played fairly, then have someone there. If he accuses you of cowardice, or hiding behind someone's apron, or anything else of that ilk - agree with him, but point out that his very attitude is proof positive that it's a good idea. And give him 24 hours, because tell him that at some point, you intend to change the locks. His stuff will always be available to him, you will never keep anything or deprive him of his property. But access to the house will be denied. Once the locks are changed, collection will be by prior agreement and arrangement only. And always have someone with you, in that case. A time limit should also be set, but make it reasonable.

[SoThatHappened]

jb82,

 

I can genuinely relate to what you're going through. I was with my high school sweetheart for 17 years. On and off through high school (too young), on and off through college and moving away, then together for 6 years before finally putting an end to it. She moved in to my house for the last 3 years we were together.

 

I totally get what mean about having different goals, values, drive, etc. Her and I also were almost opposites in those areas.

 

After the last straw (in my mind), I tried breaking up with her. She wouldn't leave. Sounds very similar to your SO.

 

I tried half a dozen times for over a year to have the "talk" in many different tones (angry, crying, begging, business-like), but she wouldn't accept it. She would not leave.

 

It sounds crazy to people on the outside looking in.

 

She truly did love me, and I her, but I would have likely been unhappy the rest of my life if we stayed together. You don't want to be unhappy and without a family for the rest of your life, do you?

 

You have to get out. It's gonna suck during the transition and for a while afterwards. But you deserve to have what you've wanted your whole life.

 

He treats you like a companion, but hasn't been intimate with you in a year nor do you feel that he ever wants to? Sheesh, even if you didn't want kids that is more than enough reason to bail right there!

 

You need to let him know how you feel, don't get into blaming, but let him know you want out. If he doesn't accept that, well, hopefully someone else will have more advice. I basically had to kick my ex out while I was gone. It got to that point and I hate that it did.

 

Wishing you all the luck!

[loversquarrel]

Better check with your states laws, even if you own the house if he has a record of paying any of the bills/utilities you may have to go through an eviction process. Just something to think about if he has a stuuborn nature.