Lostdreams Posted July 30, 2014 Posted July 30, 2014 Hi Guys Been browsing here and saw a fantastic community spirit so I wanted to share my breakup experience and get your feedback. Will try and be brief to give you the background Me: 47 divorced with 2 sons age 22 and 13 (can no longer have kids) Him: 45 career man, never married and before me never more than 2.5 years with a partner The Relationship Kind of a Long Distance relationship but saw each other every weekend and spoke via phone almost every day. Best friends since 10 years Romantically involved since 7 years At the outset he was aware I couldn't have kids and it was not an issue "Soul Mates" - "Perfect fit" his words. Great communication, active and enjoyable sex life - only good times living separately no routine, no hum drum quality time and all expenses shared for city breaks vacations etc. His married friends envied him and the freedom he had for boys time and our relationship which fulfilled him sexually and left a lot of space for himself We shared trust even long distance - We met each others friends and family We were happy I had time for my kids outside of him and we had time for each other. I saw a future with him and most importantly I was 100% myself in that relationship - no role play - no hypocrisy - he was the same The Break-up Happened one month ago - In December last year his mother had a serious stroke and was in a coma for several weeks. In April she was declared unfit to go back home and the family doctor told his father she needed a nursing home for life with no possible recovery from a bed ridden condition - life expectancy 1 to 10 years impossible to say. Obviously he was really down but we still functioned until the end of May and I supported him and his family as much as possible Then in June sex stopped at the end of June I asked him what was wrong thinking he was depressed. He then opened up that he wanted kids - he didn't want to grow old alone and that he had to move on. The discussion was hurried we both cried and within an hour I had to drive him to the airport I was in shock and we hard spoke beyond this. My reaction Shock loss numb and heartbreak but his reasoning gave me no room to fight back. Went into NC for 2 weeks I arranged a call to try and understand and have a deeper discussion. His words: Basically he does not want to get old and die alone My kids are not his kids and won't take care of him later He sees how he can take care of his Mum and support his father and for this reason he wants a child (to do the same for him later) He would not consider adoption it must be a blood child. Living alone he could have a heart attack and nobody would know it He said it might not work out - this may be the most stupid decision of his life but he has to at least give it a try. His friends are were shocked - he misses me, respects me and thinks that after time we can be friends again. We both cried again on the phone. Where am I now ? I have sick images of him now chasing a "walking womb" and giving up on us for a promise of potentially nothing. I'm firmly in NC mode but feeling so broken. Dived into break-up self help books which have been useful to center on myself. Been out with family and friends - I have a good support network. Signed up to on line dating!!! (first time ever) but feeling so empty. Felt that what we had was so perfect and now afraid that nothing else will live up to it. My secret dream would be that he will see sense and that his reasons for wanting a child are pretty self-centered .. and hoping deep down we will get back together some day. What next ? I will remain in NC - we have house keys and stuff to recover from each others places This is loosely arranged for an exchange sometime in October. He will drive to me as it coincides with his business trip in the area. I would be interested in your opinions and if anybody had been though a similar experience Thanks and take care
Smilecharmer Posted July 30, 2014 Posted July 30, 2014 First of all, I'm so sorry he changed his mind to the detriment of your relationship. Honestly, if he can let you go so easily over mortality confusion, he just didn't want a relationship with you bad enough. There are many things that can be worked out, but a need for a biological child for whatever reason, isn't one of them. Time to accept that he wants something different for his life and pick up the pieces and move forward. Don't wait for him to change his mind because you cannot predict how another will react to emotional vulnerability and changing needs due to that. I know this hurts. I'm so sorry.
BigGirlPantiesOn Posted July 30, 2014 Posted July 30, 2014 Self-centered fear. Feeling his mortality and reacting using no coping skills nor respect for you. (did not discuss it and dumped it on you on his way to the airport). He is severely insecure. 7 years and no commitment with and to you? This is a blessing in disguise to you, friend. Even if he were to come back to you it doesn't change his ability to handle difficult situations and fear. I am sorry you feel so hurt, but as an outside observer, I can see what you may not. Imagine how his future "servant" will feel to know one day they were conceived to be a care taker. 1
Author Lostdreams Posted July 30, 2014 Author Posted July 30, 2014 Thanks Smilecharmer and BGPO, I appreciate this feedback and you are both right I guess there just wasn't enough in the relationship to keep him in it - thanks for your outside eyes it gives more perspective. I think I knew most of this already but it's so hard to accept your own reality sometimes..... Yes the future "servant" - What a burden to come into the world for I really hope this could be a blessing in disguise but it's too sore at the moment ..... healing will take some time 1
Eau Claire Posted July 30, 2014 Posted July 30, 2014 Sex stopped? A man doesn't stop having a sex because he wants to have a child. A healthy male wants sex because....drum roll...he is a man. My take...he was ready to move on or has another woman he is interested in The 'have a child' thing is his excuse for dumping you. You can't come back with some response such as 'me too'. He has found a way to end it without being honest. The women reading you opening post are not as convinced that he was such the perfect guy. 1
irresolute Posted July 31, 2014 Posted July 31, 2014 I'm really sorry. You must be hurting a lot. He seems rather immature but it his right to choose whether he wants a life without his own kids or with a younger fertile woman. I'm really sorry this had happened to you. You deserve man that loves you and he seems to not love you enough.
Author Lostdreams Posted July 31, 2014 Author Posted July 31, 2014 My take...he was ready to move on or has another woman he is interested in The 'have a child' thing is his excuse for dumping you. You can't come back with some response such as 'me too'. He has found a way to end it without being honest. Thanks Eau Claire Yes I see where you're coming from and the "excuse" he gave - but he cried all through our 2 break up conversations (not a regular occurrence for him) and I think he was pretty torn up inside as well. I believe he was being honest..... maybe it makes it easier for me and it's more convenient but it felt genuine
Author Lostdreams Posted July 31, 2014 Author Posted July 31, 2014 He seems rather immature but it his right to choose whether he wants a life without his own kids or with a younger fertile woman. . Yes Irresolute it is 100% his right - nobody can him refuse this
Author Lostdreams Posted September 1, 2014 Author Posted September 1, 2014 Well he emailed me this morning requesting arrangements to exchange our stuff. As he had mentioned earlier he will drive to me in October. We live quite long distance and have double items at both places so there's quite some heavy stuff to be returned (skis, mountain bike etc) so it's not as if you can just send it all via post. 9 weeks post break up - 7 weeks NC and now this - to be honest it hit me like a sledgehammer - it really highlights that it's truely the end and any hope I could have that he would want me back is dying it's death Yes I know I have to not want him back .............for the time being I really do - I miss him and I miss us together. He asked if I was OK, said that his Mum was back in hospital and other than this he is "fine" ....Responded with a back and forward email just about the handover date and to my last proposal he didn't answer - typical @rsehole probably didn't suit him - but his date was on my son's birthday. After 7 years together you would think he could at least remember that ..... why am I not surprised? Happily this afternoon I had to travel abroad for work this is keeping me busy I know this is just a temporary set-back in reaching recovery but it honestly feels like a nightmare today. I can 100% confirm that no contact (including FB stalking etc) protects you and allows you to breathe much easier, sleep better and take care of yourself. After a couple of emails I now feel completely disarmed and emotional .....so I will let myself feel sad. ...........and then I will pick myself up again and face the climb of that damn mountain up to total indifference. I feel like I'm not even 10% started but I know I deserve much better which is a great motivation So guys please, please stay NC and resist any temptation - the LS crowd are right and giving us all good advise.
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