Do you question unusual behavior or keep it to yourself?

[irc333]

This could be a 2 part topic, but most often times when I hear women talk about their relationship history, they talk about how they've been living / dating someone for X amount of years, then all of a sudden they found out they were a drug dealer or had some other dirt under their nails going on with them and vice versa.

 

This could bring up another topic "Is it a good idea to live with someone before you marry them?" as a means to find the dirt on these people before you tie the night, but somehow it all ties together.

 

I mostly think it was ignored or the person was in denial until it came to a head at a defining moment where some straw broke the camel's back. Of course, some may respond, "Well, it was a good idea that they lived together before they tied the knot." But I'm actually wondering if that would really make any difference.

 

Of course said couple HAD been living together for 2 years and she never knew about it...and if you're just dating (not living together) I suppose its easier hide it?

 

Then I noticed when I talking with these women, they weren't the type to question anything about someone that they were dating. Like if they do something strange or unusual, they don't question it.

 

For instance, now this is just an example, on the radio show today, a woman emailed in about an issue about a guy she was dating....

 

This woman was talking about a man she's been dating and was staying over at his house. When she went to use the bathroom, there was no soap in the place she could use...no pump hand soap, bar soap..nothing, couldn't find anything to wash her hands with. Not even dish washing soap at the sink.

 

Instead of asking the horses mouth, she writes into a radio station about it...even the talk show host was wondering, "Why she don't just ask him?"

 

That being said are you the type to question unusual behavior or just just keep it to yourself?

[Smilecharmer]

I wonder at the exact same thing. I've been married for a long time and have no idea how people can't know about some of this stuff. I think much of it is denial and fear and the other half is that people get tied up in their own stuff and lose track of their spouse. Their living situations become like roommates instead of spouse or SO.

There are times even here when I wonder why people don't just ask their spouses or SO stuff.

[MissBee]

Even if I don't immediately ask, I tend to notice everything and file it away and keep watching.

 

I have been guilty of ignoring certain red flags but it wasn't that I didn't notice, I just downplayed it...but in the end I ended up kicking myself.

 

However, I've never been surprised with anything as huge as someone is a drug dealer etc. Those kinds of things are things I would immediately question. The stuff I notice but may let slide are more to do with personality traits or stuff like but I would never be suspicious about things like criminal activity or abusive tendencies and let those kinds of things slide.

 

I'm a grad student and majority of what I do is research, think critically and ask questions, this is also my natural personality which is also what attracted me to wanting to do research for a living (I wanted to be a lawyer previously). So for me asking questions, being critical, not taking things at face value etc. is second nature so it's hard for me to just be oblivious and not ask anything...but for sure I know people who are like that where they are completely oblivious or asking questions is not part of how they live their lives so everything for them is "Omg how did that happen? It just happened. I had nooo idea..." or some people may be the type to ask questions in their regular lives or careers but in relationships go in blind and too trusting.

 

Like the show "Who the Bleep Did I Marry", most often it's women married to some kind of murderer, huge con artist, one guy lied about being a spy and they married and lived with these men but apparently didn't notice or didn't think much of their strange behavior...I always watch that show and roll my eyes and scoff at most of them as most of the behavior seems so obviously awry I can't fathom how they didn't pay attention.

Edited July 29, 2014 by MissBee

[Miss Awesome]

Ok, the soap thing is weird. When it comes to the big stuff, however, I have two ideas - especially as I was in a relationship where I never questioned my partner. I think some people believe that trusting someone means you never question that person, that if you trust him, you just blindly believe everything he tells you and believe that he wouldn't omit important things. I was really young when I was in the relationship I mentioned before, and I definitely didn't understand that trust didn't mean those things. Boy do I now!

 

The other part of it is that I think the type of men you're talking about (i.e. those who make their livings illegally or do other shady things) can be very manipulative, and I think those men often create an environment where questioning them comes to mean that you don't trust them or that you don't love them. Or on the other hand, they *always* have a way to explain away your suspicions/concerns, which essentially makes you feel like your concerns aren't valid, like your concerns are always wrong. Then it becomes easier to keep those concerns to yourself than to put them out there only to have them invalidated. Either way, the result is that you feel bad/guilty for even having any questions.

 

I don't really expect you to understand it because even as I'm typing it now, I wonder why anyone would stay in a situation like that - but I did. For a long time. Love - or what one thinks is love - can make a person do crazy things and put up with things they don't deserve. Couple that with intense manipulation and effort on the man's part to keep the woman in her place, so to speak, and these situations happen. I'm not saying this is an explanation for all situations or even most, but from my experience, this is one of the things that can happen. I didn't live with him, but I imagine it's easier than you think for that kind of thing to occur.

 

As of now, I question things when they seem off. There's no other way to do it in my book.

[irc333]

I actually have a male friend of mine (now divorced) that NEVER knew his wife was five years older than the age she told him before they were married? He only had to find out when he looked at her driver's licence.

 

Now WHAT kind of person can actually be married to someone without EVER finding out how old they are??

 

Why? Because people are too afraid to ask questions.