Still in love with my first love.

[infinitelove14]

Hello, I guess I've joined this forum in the hope of some advice.

I'm in a sticky situation, and I need all the help I can get.

I'm a 21 year old female and still in love with my first love.

Here's my story in a nutshell -

We first met when I was 15 (my second to last year of high school)

I'd just moved to a new school after a nightmare at my last one.

I'd only just realised I liked girls, and she was the first girl to show

me the affections of what I'd been shown from guys before.

I was a little scared at first, played it cool, but she chased me.

I eventually began falling for her and started to feel something I'd

never felt for anyone I'd been with before. I knew I was falling in

love with her, and very quickly. Our relationship was a whirlwind.

Intense, passionate, we were inseperable for a long time.

Of course as all couples do, we had our ups and downs.

However the ups always made up for the downs.

After being together for two years she decided to call it a day.

I remember it so clearly. It was completely out of the blue.

It was the end of the Summer holidays, I'd been away for a few

weeks, and when I returned she sat me down and told me she

wanted to break up. I remember her telling me that it could work

out between us again one day, but not for a long time.

Three weeks after we broke up I found out she was with another girl.

However that didn't last. 5 months after that we hooked up.

Then we were in contact on and off for two years before we saw

one another again. Nothing has happened between us sexually

since Valentines Day 2010 but we still have a connection.

She blows hot and cold with me a lot. Sometimes when I see her

she'll be really happy and loving towards me, then other times

a lot colder and unsure. I'm going out of my mind trying to figure

out what she feels for me. I know she still cares because she could've

cut me out of her life completely a long time ago, but she hasn't.

She's currently studying out of the country but we're in contact at least

a few times a month, and I always see her when she returns home.

She's currently in a relationship and has been with numerous

people since me. (I have only been in two other relationships since her)

I know for a fact that I will ALWAYS love and want her.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

I feel like my life is stuck in standstill and I'm just here waiting in the

hope that she'll come back to me. She knows exactly how I feel.

She's told me a few times recently that she has no idea what will

happen in her life. I wish I could just let her go and forget about her,

but that's not an option. I know I would be making the biggest mistake

of my life if I let her go completely. I would be so unhappy throughout

the rest of my life by not having her a part of it in some form.

I have to be content with being just friends with her for now.

I just don't know if she'll ever come back to me, and I don't know

what to do. I will never not love her, so I don't know the answer.

If anyone has any advice please share!

It'd mean the world to me to hear your thoughts.

 

*Something I forgot to mention is that I've felt this way about her

since we split in September 2009. I don't go a day without thinking about her.

Edited July 29, 2014 by infinitelove14

[Philosoraptor]

Sadly it sounds like she is keeping you as an option, a safe place to land, while she is out exploring herself.

 

Right now you need to take care of yourself and doing what it takes to make yourself happy. Friends would be fine in the future, but it will just be suffering until you've let go of the romantic feelings.

[infinitelove14]

I just don't think I can be satisfied with 'just friends' for the

rest of my life with her I know we have chemistry, it's so hard.

[irresolute]

Just let go and find someone else. Maybe you need to experience more to realize she's not that special.