DeluxeYou Posted July 29, 2014 Posted July 29, 2014 (edited) I’m shivering as I’m typing this. I belong to a very overbearing religion. In our culture family and religion mean a whole lot. Recently, I was getting fed up with the whole thing, so these days I’m trying to distance myself temporarily, for the sake of my own sanity. I just wanted a few moments away from them to break my routine and breathe some air or freedom a little bit. So there’s this couple in my church that I HATE with a passion. Let’s call them Mr and Mrs Z: Overbearing and hypocrites. When they noticed my absence from church, they tried every .single. possible. means to reach me. They call, send text messages and regularly come to my house unannounced (to catch me by surprise I guess). The trick is that I’m currently on vacations and during vacs, I usually travel out of the country to see my family so EVERYONE assumes that they’ve not been seeing me because I’m gone. So when they come and knock and can’t hear about me, they assume that I’m GONE. Meanwhile I spend all the time locked up in my apartment. I “emerge” only to get groceries. The whole time, I watch T.V. and do all sorts of things I can do to kill time. So one afternoon, I was peacefully lying down and watching T.V., with the volume quite high…and I hear Mrs Z CALLING ME OUT through the window!!! She didn’t knock at the door. She actually went round and got close to the window to make sure I was in! I jumped out of surprise, put the T.V. off and pretended I was not there. Stupid, you might think...but this was a split second decision! Anyway, it was too late cos she had heard the T.V. on already. Never mind, I thought. I kept quiet. She stood there for about 10 minutes screaming my name and I refused to come out, pretending I wasn’t there. Fact is, if I let her in, there was no way I could explain my not going to church! And believe me, it’s a biiiiig deal! Later on that day, I heard from my neighbors that when she came, she first enquired from them if I was there, and they said I was. Also, when I later on went to stand by the window, at the exact spot she was standing, I had a quite clear overview on where I was sitting, meaning she certainly saw me trying to hide. This is ridiculous, I know, but believe it…it’s the reality of my life. After getting all this info I understood why she stayed for so long calling me with so much conviction! So after that I have been thinking of a possible explanation to give these people when I resume church but up to now I haven’t found anything believable yet. I knew they had told other church members about the “issue” because , when, a week after, I went to my family house, my mum told me people from my church had called her trying to confirm if indeed I was there with family, and she told them no, I hadn’t come back yet. At the end of the day I was quite uncomfortable with the whole situation, but hey I’m falling in love with a lovely guy and therefore within myself I was feeling so above all those” petty things with those petty people.” I was pretty sure I would come up with some explanation and make myself insensitive if they doubted me. But then... to add pain to misery….the guy I’m digging (the post about the medical student) had mentioned Mr and Mrs Z’s name before. I didn’t worry cos we all share the same religion and people generally know each other. Today, I was missing him so much that I called him. In the conversation, this couple's name came up again and I asked him how he knew them. He said… “Actually Mrs Z is my aunt, my mum’s younger sister . So that’s why I know Mr Z, he’s my uncle.” WHAT? WHAT, WHAT, WHAT !!!????NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I couldn’t feel my limbs anymore. Knot in the stomach…WHAT? Family and religion count a lot in our culture and with the way I’ve treated Mrs Z I doubt she’s going to keep it for herself especially if she learns there’s something cooking between her nephew and me. I don’t know if he’s told them about me already but I had the impression he knew a lot about me than what I told him (He asked me how the people from my church were faring!) So I think the 3 of them MIGHT have been discussing me. I feel so surprised and shameful now! AND YET I SWEAR I’M A GOOD GIRL!!! Lol All I wanted was to break my routine and feel a bit independent. What’s the next step I should take? Things are not clearly defined between this guy and me yet. OWW LAWWWD!!!! I just WANT TO DISAPPEAR! I want the ground to open up and swallow me! Edited July 29, 2014 by DeluxeYou
smackie9 Posted July 29, 2014 Posted July 29, 2014 Simple, find a new church with members that are not so radical. You are an adult, it's your life and you can live it the way YOU see fit. Don't give me excuses about what they will say or think. People move on from their beliefs everyday.
Author DeluxeYou Posted July 29, 2014 Author Posted July 29, 2014 Oh Smack! I wish it were that simple. You have NO idea. Not an excuse, you have not idea what it is!
LuckyLady13 Posted July 29, 2014 Posted July 29, 2014 I'm sorry but I'm laughing here. His aunt and uncle? Well, you could just really get yourself used to the idea that they don't like you, get over that aspect of this situation and move forward with this guy. I know what you're saying and religion is a big (apparently extremely INTRUSIVE) part of your culture and your life so this is going to be a big deal if his aunt and uncle aren't your biggest fans. However, is it possible they are so intrusive and checking on you because they already know their nephew is close to you? You said he's a medical student? I'd worry more that a medical student has such an overbearing family, personally. Is he going to be capable of making his own decisions? For your own sake though, I know you're not going to just dump your religion today so I'll say in the least, grow a backbone with these people and stop being afraid to answer your door. Unless they're going to kill you, stand up to them.
Author DeluxeYou Posted July 29, 2014 Author Posted July 29, 2014 I'm sorry but I'm laughing here. However, is it possible they are so intrusive and checking on you because they already know their nephew is close to you? Hi Lucky! I'm beginning to wonder if that's not the real reason? Actually Mr Z knows my family quite well and he has been trying to force himself on me as a kind of "godfather" or "mentor" or something in between, you get the picture? So all that while, I thought that was the reason why they were harassing me! And...Please laugh...I myself am torn between laughing and crying
Author DeluxeYou Posted July 29, 2014 Author Posted July 29, 2014 Please help me with ideas! pls pls pls
smackie9 Posted July 29, 2014 Posted July 29, 2014 Grow some ballzzzzzzzzzzz and stop being such a damn push over. People will respect you if you show yourself as a person not to fooled with. This why you are just twirling around in one spot, getting all dizzy going nowhere in life. If you don't stand up for yourself and speak up, things will only get worse for you. 2
Author DeluxeYou Posted July 29, 2014 Author Posted July 29, 2014 Easy! No need to get nervous here. I want practical ideas about a SPECIFIC problem, so if you can't give me any, pls go your way. You must know that the whole world does NOT function the same way things work in YOUR culture. Nor is YOUR opinion the NORM in the part of the world that I live in. I didn't explain this problem to get your judgement on my WHOLE LIFE. Chill out smackie! You know VERY little about me 1
deathandtaxes Posted July 29, 2014 Posted July 29, 2014 Sorry you're not liking the advice to grow a pair, OP, but that's some of the best advice you can get. Without more specific information on your culture or your church, you're not going to get any better help. Help us to help you!
Fondue Posted July 29, 2014 Posted July 29, 2014 Religion is scary. You just helped assert that fact. These people don't sound like church goers, they sound like intruders. I'm pretty sure the stuff they're doing is pretty illegal in most places. It doesn't sound like just friendly knock on the door, this feels like harassment, trespassing, and invasion of privacy. PLus who knows what else. Eeek. You wouldn't like my solution, so I'm not even gonna mention it. I just wanted to say your situation really gooned me out. Religion is scary.
Author DeluxeYou Posted July 29, 2014 Author Posted July 29, 2014 LOL y'all! I see where you're coming from...and I understand.
Author DeluxeYou Posted July 29, 2014 Author Posted July 29, 2014 Religion is scary. You just helped assert that fact. These people don't sound like church goers, they sound like intruders. I'm pretty sure the stuff they're doing is pretty illegal in most places. It doesn't sound like just friendly knock on the door, this feels like harassment, trespassing, and invasion of privacy. PLus who knows what else. Eeek. You wouldn't like my solution, so I'm not even gonna mention it. I just wanted to say your situation really gooned me out. Religion is scary. It is for some of us who belong to cultures in which you are born in a religion so you belong to it by default. You get raised with it and there's no way out, aside death. I'm laughing about this but it is a serious matter. These people, in their head are helping me out to stay on the right path...that's how THEY see it. You're right...it's scary! But bailing out is no option.
writergal Posted July 29, 2014 Posted July 29, 2014 (edited) Become an Atheist. Life is much easier when you don't believe in God. If you won't leave your church to join another one, which is a reasonable and sensible suggestion, then your alternative is to leave religion, move out of your city and move back to your home country (wherever that is), or do nothing and ignore Mr and Mrs Z hounding you. Edit to add: You may want to hit your local bookstore or library to check out and read books on how to leave the religion that you were born into (serious recommendation, by the way). People in your situation, who feel trapped, can and do successfully leave their religion safely in a matter of steps. But the consequences are something you need to be prepared for: alienation from family and friends, threats to your life (hey just look at how Scientology for an example). What you need is a good exit strategy and some allies who already left your church or religion who could help you "escape it." Edited July 29, 2014 by writergal 1
Fondue Posted July 29, 2014 Posted July 29, 2014 It is for some of us who belong to cultures in which you are born in a religion so you belong to it by default. You get raised with it and there's no way out, aside death. I'm laughing about this but it is a serious matter. These people, in their head are helping me out to stay on the right path...that's how THEY see it. You're right...it's scary! But bailing out is no option. You see those bolded things? Read them again. I'm serious. This is an issue. This sounds like a bad gang. Once you're in, your only way out is death? That's not an organization many people would like to choose to be a part of. The poster above me is right. Find a way to ESCAPE it. 1
smackie9 Posted July 29, 2014 Posted July 29, 2014 Easy! No need to get nervous here. I want practical ideas about a SPECIFIC problem, so if you can't give me any, pls go your way. You must know that the whole world does NOT function the same way things work in YOUR culture. Nor is YOUR opinion the NORM in the part of the world that I live in. I didn't explain this problem to get your judgement on my WHOLE LIFE. Chill out smackie! You know VERY little about me I'm just pointing out why you got to this point and how to get out of it. Now it hurts to hear it. I'm trying to open your eyes that hiding from your fears, and problems doesn't solve anything, more bad things keep happening when you cower in the corner. It's has nothing to do with culture but being a self respecting human being.
Tbisb74 Posted July 29, 2014 Posted July 29, 2014 It is for some of us who belong to cultures in which you are born in a religion so you belong to it by default. You get raised with it and there's no way out, aside death. I'm laughing about this but it is a serious matter. These people, in their head are helping me out to stay on the right path...that's how THEY see it. You're right...it's scary! But bailing out is no option. There are several things which are impossible: Setting fire to ice, is pretty damn difficult. Flying, under your own steam, I hear is tricky. And walking through a revolving door with an extendable ladder on your shoulders is a hard one. But cutting your hair, dyeing it, packing some essential stuff and making plans to move away, are actually quite doable. They take some planning, of course. But you know, we can all give you hints, ideas, plans, strategies and exit routes. All of them utterly redundant and useless, if you don't think about them and realise them for yourself. You don't need us to tell you what to do, or how. I think you know. What you want, is for someone to give you the courage to do it. Well darling, you're just going to have to haul yourself up by your bootstraps and get to it, for yourself. But two things: One: plan it meticulously, right down to the last second. Two: TELL ABSOLUTELY NOBODY ABOUT IT.
Treasa Posted July 29, 2014 Posted July 29, 2014 Tell them you were incredibly sick and lost your voice, and didn't want to pass your virus onto them. And then cover your windows so that they can't see you if they ever look in a window again, or tell them that you almost called the cops last week because you thought someone was trying to break in. That is, if you really dig this guy. Otherwise, tell them to mind their own effin' business because you're an adult. 1
hoping2heal Posted July 29, 2014 Posted July 29, 2014 Oh my gawd, what the hell. A grown woman...comes to your apartment complex...inquires with the neighbors about your whereabouts as if she were a detective...calls you outside from the window. My gawd. I can't even....just wow. I would be livid. That is one UNHEALTHY sense of control that Mrs. Z has and religion is no excuse for it whatsoever. My cheeks went burning hot FOR YOU just reading because I was so shocked and angered all in one. And then the wicked wench is related to the man you like? Oh my, life has a cruel sense of humor sometimes.
KatZee Posted July 29, 2014 Posted July 29, 2014 See, I can't even wrap my head around stories like this. This is how it would go down in my book: Mrs Z: KATZEE YOU IN THERE. I SEE YOU. YOU'RE IN THERE. GET TO CHURCH! WHY AREN'T YOU IN CHURCH! KatZee: Mrs Z. please go **** yourself! Have a nice day! And then I would find a way to remove myself from such an unhealthy, toxic, and extreme way of life. Are you happy being a part of this church? Would you leave? Is this something you want for the rest of your life? YOU are the only master of your life. Not these people or this religion. Would you really be murdered if you escaped?
smackie9 Posted August 3, 2014 Posted August 3, 2014 I think the OP is starting to challenge this strong hold of a religion. Hiding away in her apartment has given her a taste of freedom and she likes it. It's understandable, stepping away from what you have known all your life can be frightening, and well, isn't that what those religions are based on? fear and guilt in order to keep people in order? It's a tough one, BUT there are groups out there that do help those escape the clutches of such religions, deprogramming individuals and prepare them for a life on the outside.
Eivuwan Posted August 3, 2014 Posted August 3, 2014 OP, can you tell us a little more about where you come from and what type of religion this is? Wouldn't it be much easier to move to a more liberal place than to put up with this stuff? It would be scary, but worth it. There is a much bigger world out there. As for the guy, there are other men out there as well. Obviously if you eventually marry him, you will be stuck in this culture and religion forever. It sounds like hell to me.
Priv Posted August 3, 2014 Posted August 3, 2014 What religion and culture are we talking about? I am imagining Heaven's Gate right now, so don't tell me evangelism or so...
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted August 3, 2014 Posted August 3, 2014 "I havent felt up to coming to church I have been dealing with a few personal things" - done.
Tbisb74 Posted August 3, 2014 Posted August 3, 2014 "I havent felt up to coming to church I have been dealing with a few personal things" - done. (until the next time....!) She can't keep doing this. I have the impression the OP wants out - in the sense almost of leaving the county and going cross-country - but simply cannot engineer a method in her mind....
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