Lying vs. Withholding Information and Privacy

[McGuffin]

A mistake? A mistake is an accident. Knowingly lying to someone is not a mistake. It's a selfish act and it's manipulative.

 

Writergal, you've got some decent points, but it makes it difficult to take them seriously when you argue incorrectly about the definition of the word. OP is correct that mistake and accident don't mean the same thing. A mistake is defined as an error "caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc" OP made an error due to poor reasoning. That's a mistake.

 

OP, if you want to stay in the relationship, you both need to work on your communication. If you want to be able to hang out with or help your friend, you need to be able to explain it in a way that eases her insecurities. In failing to do so, the answer should not have been to keep secrets and lies. As you now know, that makes things worse. Next time you feel like you need to hide something from your gf, take that as a sign that you either shouldn't do it or need to communicate your desire to do it more effectively. And if there are too many things you can't come to an agreement on, you two aren't right for each other.

[writergal]

My glass house has insurance.

 

If you didn't come here to defend yourself for intentionally lying to your girlfriend that has caused havoc on your relationship, then why did you post? To defend your need for having a friendship with your ex-wife's ex-husband?

 

To defend your need to debate the finer points of lying, or what the definition of "truth" is, or to complain about how your girlfriend has over-reacted?

 

Thank you for posting the definitions of mistakes and accidents. Still doesn't change my opinion that intentionally lying is about as bad an idea as extreme couponing.

 

I think what you did was wrong and un-necessary and it doesn't matter that you agree with me.

 

Maybe you need to ask yourself WHY you feel like you have to intentionally lie to a woman you claim to know so well. If you respect her so much then why did you lie to her?

 

I did read your posts here. I see you blaming your girlfriend for being jealous and insecure etc., but I don't see you actually make any statements about what you plan to do to re-establish trust with her. That's what you need to focus on doing. If you want to be in a relationship with her, and you've known how she is and how she responds to things, that still doesn't excuse what you did. And that's what your posts reek of -- making excuses in between mea culpas for your actions, rather than do something to fix the situation. And guess what that is: STOP LYING.

 

mistake

[mi-steyk]

noun

An error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc.

 

accident

[ak-si-duh nt]

noun

An undesirable or unfortunate happening that occurs unintentionally and usually results in harm, injury, damage, or loss; casualty; mishap.

 

==============

 

Writergal, while you're entitled to your opinion - perhaps you should consult Webster? I think someone with the moniker "writergal" should wield a better command of the English language. "Mistake" != "Accident" You'll have to forgive me for not taking your immediate and full disqualification of my character as a human being too seriously, given that you can't even compare two simple words accurately.

 

How is the title of my post "misleading"? Did I ever state that withholding information was not the same as lying? Have I ever tried to defend the fact that I lied as some justified action?

 

Good lord.

 

Did you even read my posts, or do you just jump at any opportunity to be a complete shrew?

 

I'm glad some of us lead absolutely perfect lives in our little glass houses.

[writergal]

Writergal, you've got some decent points, but it makes it difficult to take them seriously when you argue incorrectly about the definition of the word. OP is correct that mistake and accident don't mean the same thing. A mistake is defined as an error "caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc" OP made an error due to poor reasoning. That's a mistake.

 

OP, if you want to stay in the relationship, you both need to work on your communication. If you want to be able to hang out with or help your friend, you need to be able to explain it in a way that eases her insecurities. In failing to do so, the answer should not have been to keep secrets and lies. As you now know, that makes things worse. Next time you feel like you need to hide something from your gf, take that as a sign that you either shouldn't do it or need to communicate your desire to do it more effectively. And if there are too many things you can't come to an agreement on, you two aren't right for each other.

 

No, it wasn't a mistake. Poor reasoning my ass! The OP admits that he consciously CHOSE to lie to his girlfriend intentionally. So in my book, that denotes intention. And intention cancels out "poor reasoning." The road to hell is paved with good intentions. A mistake is making a wrong turn, or adding up numbers incorrectly. Intentionally lying to someone is not a mistake.

 

The OP didn't make a mistake. He KNEW what he was doing when he lied to his girlfriend. Now he just wants to make excuses and blame his girlfriend's personality, instead of actually do the right thing which is to stop lying to her and start treating her with respect and stop whining.

Edited July 30, 2014 by writergal

[murphomatic]

Wow. Thank you for such clear and concise advice. Don't know how I ever missed that.

 

:facepalm:

 

I came here for very specific reasons. Since you've clearly read my posts but have actually heard none of them, let me outline this for you:

 

1. Did my girlfriend overreact?

2. Do other people withhold information from their SOs to 'keep the peace"?

3. What are some suggested ways to recover from this situation?

 

And your timeless and sage advice is to tell me that I'm a bad person and to "stop lying"? Are you f'king kidding me? I'm sorry - but I was looking for something that I didn't know already.

 

Hope that insurance policy is paid up -

[murphomatic]

No, it wasn't a mistake. Poor reasoning my ass! The OP admits that he consciously CHOSE to lie to his girlfriend intentionally. So in my book, that denotes intention. And intention cancels out "poor reasoning." The road to hell is paved with good intentions. A mistake is making a wrong turn, or adding up numbers incorrectly. Intentionally lying to someone is not a mistake.

 

The OP didn't make a mistake. He KNEW what he was doing when he lied to his girlfriend. Now he just wants to make excuses and blame his girlfriend's personality, instead of actually do the right thing which is to stop lying to her and start treating her with respect and stop whining.

At what point did I say that I would continually lie to my personality-defective girlfriend? Seriously - you're way off base. What I did was wrong. I did it because my reasoning behind it was poor and wrong.

 

I'm asking for advice.

 

You're rendering judgement.

 

Piss off.

[McGuffin]

No, it wasn't a mistake. Poor reasoning my ass! The OP admits that he consciously CHOSE to lie to his girlfriend intentionally.

 

Please invest in a dictionary. You seem to be coming to conclusions based on attributing incorrect meanings to several words.

[Keenly]

So let me get this straight...

 

 

 

 

You want to be with a girl that gets mad at you for stopping at another males house on the way home from work...

 

 

 

Details are irrelevant, especially because you did nothing wrong. Since when is it okay to demand that your SO disclose there whereabouts and destinations?

 

She on the other hand, went though your phone, and is now trying to tell you where you can and can't go, who you can and can't see, and what topics can and can't be discussed.

 

What do you think?

[murphomatic]

Writergal, you've got some decent points, but it makes it difficult to take them seriously when you argue incorrectly about the definition of the word. OP is correct that mistake and accident don't mean the same thing. A mistake is defined as an error "caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc" OP made an error due to poor reasoning. That's a mistake.

 

OP, if you want to stay in the relationship, you both need to work on your communication. If you want to be able to hang out with or help your friend, you need to be able to explain it in a way that eases her insecurities. In failing to do so, the answer should not have been to keep secrets and lies. As you now know, that makes things worse. Next time you feel like you need to hide something from your gf, take that as a sign that you either shouldn't do it or need to communicate your desire to do it more effectively. And if there are too many things you can't come to an agreement on, you two aren't right for each other.

This is excellent advice. Thank you VERY much. I greatly appreciate this and you taking the time to relate something that is digestible and understandable, and leaving the character judgements out of it. Truly.

[McGuffin]

"Gf will be upset if I do XYZ" + "if I don't tell her, she won't be hurt" = poor reasoning.

 

Choices are made based on reasoning. When that reasoning is poor, that is a mistake.

 

Writergal, basically you're freaking out on this guy and judging him for saying he made a mistake because you want him to use the definition of mistake instead of the word itself.

[McGuffin]

This is excellent advice. Thank you VERY much. I greatly appreciate this and you taking the time to relate something that is digestible and understandable, and leaving the character judgements out of it. Truly.

 

You're welcome. Another thing I just thought of. I'm gathering from the info you gave that she doesn't have an issue with you hanging out with other male friends or needing to know everywhere you go right? It's just this guy because she sees him as a way that you're holding onto your ex.

 

That's not true, but there's something that makes her feel that way. I don't know what it is. Could be something you've said or done. Could be something in her past that has nothing to do with you. To get her to see your side, it will help if you try to understand why she sees you wanting to be friends with this guy the way she does instead of the way most of us see it. Understanding her side will help you explain yours.

 

A caution though. One of the things I've found very difficult in effectively communicating is to ask someone their reasons for thinking or feeling what they do without them feeling like you're criticizing them for it. Make sure you're calm and not having an argument when you do.

 

You can also try an analogy. Such as, "When we talk about her it's like when people sit around with coworkers and complain about their terrible boss. It's not because they like or want anything to do with their boss. It's a cathartic release by people with a shared experience." Or "I help him for the same reasons victims of a disaster help each other. They're not nostalgic for the disaster. They want to support people who went through the same horrible experience."

[murphomatic]

So let me get this straight...

You want to be with a girl that gets mad at you for stopping at another males house on the way home from work...

 

Details are irrelevant, especially because you did nothing wrong. Since when is it okay to demand that your SO disclose there whereabouts and destinations?

 

She on the other hand, went though your phone, and is now trying to tell you where you can and can't go, who you can and can't see, and what topics can and can't be discussed.

 

What do you think?

I understand what you're saying, but to be fair to my girlfriend - she wouldn't have been mad if it were some random guy friend of mine. Bill and I were married to the same woman - he several years before me. My girlfriend is worried that I still pine for that old life - which I don't - but that doesn't change her feelings. She was angry because in her mind, my contact with him is some symptom of me trying to maintain a link to that old life.

 

I think it's important that you keep your SO filled in on what's going on - whereabouts, etc. Not in a "I need to check-in with the master" way, but just out of common courtesy. We've just been down this road and have had this discussion several times (e.g. that I don't miss or pine for my old life with my ex-wife, that I believe she's an evil and horrible person, etc.). I just don't want to have to continually defend that position over and over and over and over tirelessly because my girlfriend is insecure about it. It was just easier to not tell her that I dropped by Bill's house. I was wrong and I was (pay attention here, writergal) MISTAKEN in my judgement and my decision to do that. It was wrong to purposefully withhold the info from her and I should have just shouldered the burden of having to explain to my girlfriend (again) that I only wanted to help Bill out, and that I have no intention of maintaining a connection to my ex, and that there's space in my life and my heart for my current girlfriend (her concern is that if I'm missing my ex-wife and kids, and not yet "over" that life - there's no room for her in my life now).

 

The fact that she went through my phone ... well - I guess that's my just desserts. I earned that one. I don't really have a right to feel indignant about it. I don't have anything to hide anyway, and I haven't lied to her about anything else ever before. I guess I'm just weary of having to defend my position on my ex-wife every time something comes up that remotely relates to her. I purposefully avoid situations where my ex might come up so as to not upset my girlfriend, and this frequently has me ignoring old friends or avoiding group activities with people that I used to mutually know with my ex.

 

I will be up front with her about all interactions with anyone concerning my ex from here on out. If she gets upset, then we'll talk about it. If I think she's overreacting, I'll tell her I think she's overreacting. If she wants to spit in my face and walk away, I guess that's her choice.

Edited July 30, 2014 by murphomatic

[Raena]

1. Did your gf overreact?

 

No, not really. She suspected you lied to her and she found out that you did in fact lie. It probably makes her wonder what else you lied to her about. Now, is she overreacting to your relationship to your ex's ex? Yeah, a little bit. I suspect that is due to many reasons... in particular, you started dating her very soon after your divorce. That makes me wonder what your relationship with her was like before your divorce. Why is she so jealous and insecure about your relationship with your ex or anyone associated with her? There has to be a reason for why she's so up in arms about anything about her. Maybe you could expand a little more on that part of the topic.

 

2. Do other people withhold information from a SO in order to "keep the peace?"

 

I can't say that I ever have really... I've pondered this topic a few times though.

 

One reason I ponder it is because my ex used to do the exact same thing to me. He would lie to me about things that didn't need to be lied about just because he THOUGHT I'd react a certain way and didn't want to deal with it. It's an awful way to be because it creates an environment of distrust. I think you already know that you shouldn't have out right lied to her about being there. You should have told her yes and then dealt with her outburst as to why she was so upset about it. She shouldn't have any reason to be upset about it but if you told her the truth from the get go and she overreacted, then you could sit her down and ask her WHY she's so upset about this situation.

 

The other reason I ponder it is that there are things in my past history that I wonder if I will have to tell any new partners I have. The details aren't important here, but if I lie by omission about them as a way to avoid conflict or so as not to tarnish my next bf's perception of me and who I was then, then does that make me a liar? I don't know.

 

In your case, you blatantly lied to her about something that happened that day. It's not quite the same thing as not telling every little detail of your past to her. I bet she's going to start wondering what else you haven't told her though.

 

3. How to recover from this...

 

The only way you'll be able to recover from this is to apologize and then don't ever let it happen again... EVER. Be honest with her, even if you think it's going to cause an argument.

 

You also might want to figure out how to make her feel more secure in her relationship with you. It sounds like she is very insecure and it could be because of something you have said or done or it could be because of her past history. You need to figure out what that is and talk to her about it directly, openly and honestly.

[Els]

I think this is pretty much settled - you realize you made a mistake, so you two can move forward henceforth. I do agree that her reaction was quite over the top - does she think that she made a mistake by overreacting as well?

[McGuffin]

(her concern is that if I'm missing my ex-wife and kids, and not yet "over" that life - there's no room for her in my life now).

 

This gives me a theory about why she's insecure. Though it's reading her words through your interpretation. But what I'm reading is that she's insecure about the idea that you're holding on to your old life. That is your feelings for ex-wife and kids are seen as a package deal.

 

You may need to discuss more that your feelings for your ex and your feelings for your kids are completely independent of each other. If you've discussed it with your gf as you mentioned here, that could create doubt. It's hard to believe that someone wouldn't want to be with their children. So a denial of not missing your old life, which involved your kids, would ring untrue.

 

Make an effort to always distinguish between your feelings for your kids and your feelings for your ex-wife. Never talk about them as if they're a package life.

 

If she says something like, "I think you miss your old life", don't just say "No, I don't. That woman is an evil shrew". Be clear that you miss your children but that has nothing to do with their mother. You don't miss her and are glad to be away from the evil shrew.

[rewl]

When she asked whether or not you went to Bill's house you should have said "it's none of your goddamn business". If she says she has proof that you did and shows you how she snooped on your phone, you should have said you reviewing the relationship with her on account of her obsessive behaviour over trivial matters + invasion of privacy. I still think you should review the relationship, she sounds like a bitch.

[murphomatic]

Fair points, Raena. Thank you.

 

Elswyth - she doesn't believe she overreacted. She feels justified in her desire to censor me from any conversation or interaction with anyone that has anything to do concerning my ex. She feels that if I have the need to discuss this topic with other people, I'm therefore not "over" my ex, and not suitable to date.

 

It is very infrequent that I engage in any conversation with anyone regarding my ex. Mostly because I don't care about my ex any longer, and partly because I hate having to defend myself to my current girlfriend and reassure her that I'm not trying to secretly rekindle my old marriage. This is a conversation I've had with her ad nauseum, and I'm really tired of having it. My position has never changed. I do not wish to have any role in my ex-wife's life, nor for her to have a role in mine .. but if someone comes up to me and says "He - did ya hear? Your ex-wife had a plane crash on her house .." um - yeah, I'd like to hear about it. I think few people would deny that, and those who do are likely lying.

 

My current girlfriend knew me in my married life and knew my ex-wife. She saw what happened and transpired between my ex-wife and me. She saw the ugliness and the heartbreak. I still don't understand why my current girlfriend is so jealous of my ex-wife to-date. Her position is that me even spending a moment entertaining a glimmer of a thought about my ex-wife or any facets of my old life is "wasted effort" on my part and a show of me ranking my old life above my new one. I don't understand that at all.

[writergal]

Wow. Thank you for such clear and concise advice. Don't know how I ever missed that.

 

:facepalm:

 

I came here for very specific reasons. Since you've clearly read my posts but have actually heard none of them, let me outline this for you:

 

1. Did my girlfriend overreact?

2. Do other people withhold information from their SOs to 'keep the peace"?

3. What are some suggested ways to recover from this situation?

 

And your timeless and sage advice is to tell me that I'm a bad person and to "stop lying"? Are you f'king kidding me? I'm sorry - but I was looking for something that I didn't know already.

 

Hope that insurance policy is paid up -

 

Your post is defensive with me because you can't tell a lie to cover up another lie and not expect to be held accountable for it. You intentionally lie but don't seem all that concerned about it, even though you acknowledge that you were a jerk to your girlfriend, it's clear that being a jerk to your girlfriend is fine with you, otherwise you wouldn't lie to her in the first place.

 

1. Based on your actions, no your girlfriend reacted normally.

2. Now you're just trying to justify the fact that you intentionally lied to your girlfriend. Lying to keep the peace in a relationship is a piss-poor way to handle conflict. It's passive aggressive and bad for the relationship b/c it doesn't do anything to build or to maintain trust between both people.

3. Suggested ways to recover from the situation:

 

Tell her the truth (!).

 

Stop pushing her buttons since you know what happens when you push them.

 

Stop with-holding information b/c that just makes you look like the bad guy.

 

If you have to do something that you know will upset her, be honest with her upfront, explain why you need to do the thing, and ask her to understand and support you. Let her have her feelings about it too. If she's an over-reactor, then that gives you even more reason to tell the truth. If you lie and she finds out, you just reinforce her need to distrust you and question your every move.

 

Lying to with hold information, or as you call it "to keep the peace" with your romantic partner is just wrong, because it's not accidental, it's not done as a mistake...it's done intentionally with a purpose, which in your case, was to cover up the fact that you did something you knew would upset your girlfriend. And that is why it's wrong, because it's selfishly motivated.

Edited July 30, 2014 by writergal

[Raena]

Fair points, Raena. Thank you.

 

Elswyth - she doesn't believe she overreacted. She feels justified in her desire to censor me from any conversation or interaction with anyone that has anything to do concerning my ex. She feels that if I have the need to discuss this topic with other people, I'm therefore not "over" my ex, and not suitable to date.

 

It is very infrequent that I engage in any conversation with anyone regarding my ex. Mostly because I don't care about my ex any longer, and partly because I hate having to defend myself to my current girlfriend and reassure her that I'm not trying to secretly rekindle my old marriage. This is a conversation I've had with her ad nauseum, and I'm really tired of having it. My position has never changed. I do not wish to have any role in my ex-wife's life, nor for her to have a role in mine .. but if someone comes up to me and says "He - did ya hear? Your ex-wife had a plane crash on her house .." um - yeah, I'd like to hear about it. I think few people would deny that, and those who do are likely lying.

 

My current girlfriend knew me in my married life and knew my ex-wife. She saw what happened and transpired between my ex-wife and me. She saw the ugliness and the heartbreak. I still don't understand why my current girlfriend is so jealous of my ex-wife to-date. Her position is that me even spending a moment entertaining a glimmer of a thought about my ex-wife or any facets of my old life is "wasted effort" on my part and a show of me ranking my old life above my new one. I don't understand that at all.

 

I had a feeling she knew about your relationship with your ex in more detail than she should. It explains a lot actually.

 

I don't think I'd want to know all that about my current SO's past relationship. I'd want to know whatever it is he wanted to tell me but that's it. She knows things that she shouldn't know and it's eating at her for some reason. Too much knowledge isn't a good thing in this case.

 

It sounds like you've addressed it. The best you can do now is just live your life, be honest with her about what you are doing and how you are feeling and prove to her that she's important to you by your actions.

[BlueIris]

Fair points, Raena. Thank you.

 

Elswyth - she doesn't believe she overreacted. She feels justified in her desire to censor me from any conversation or interaction with anyone that has anything to do concerning my ex. She feels that if I have the need to discuss this topic with other people, I'm therefore not "over" my ex, and not suitable to date.

 

It is very infrequent that I engage in any conversation with anyone regarding my ex. Mostly because I don't care about my ex any longer, and partly because I hate having to defend myself to my current girlfriend and reassure her that I'm not trying to secretly rekindle my old marriage. This is a conversation I've had with her ad nauseum, and I'm really tired of having it. My position has never changed. I do not wish to have any role in my ex-wife's life, nor for her to have a role in mine .. but if someone comes up to me and says "He - did ya hear? Your ex-wife had a plane crash on her house .." um - yeah, I'd like to hear about it. I think few people would deny that, and those who do are likely lying.

 

My current girlfriend knew me in my married life and knew my ex-wife. She saw what happened and transpired between my ex-wife and me. She saw the ugliness and the heartbreak. I still don't understand why my current girlfriend is so jealous of my ex-wife to-date. Her position is that me even spending a moment entertaining a glimmer of a thought about my ex-wife or any facets of my old life is "wasted effort" on my part and a show of me ranking my old life above my new one. I don't understand that at all.

 

I agree with her. You’re secretly planning to get involved in another fight with your ex. My 2nd husband couldn’t, or wouldn’t, let go of his bitterness and fight with his ex too. No matter how much he claimed to want nothing to do with her, he just kept the battle raging and probably never got over her, or his need to fight her. My mom put it this way: “he’d better get her out of your bed.” She even said to him, “when are you actually going to get divorced?” Predictably, 2nd husband and I had a very short marriage. But his battle and emotional enmeshment with his ex lived on. His choice.

 

You’re not friends with this guy. You’re allies in fighting your ex. And you know that, which is why you lied to your GF.

 

I wasn't jealous of his ex. I was sick of the hateful poison they were addicted to and how it polluted our lives, and therefore my life. Even his son, my step-son, saw it, and he asked me why I didn't hate my 1st husband and why we were nice to each other.

Edited July 30, 2014 by BlueIris

[Missy0724]

This is a tough one, and a double edged sword.

 

I just went thru something similar with my BF, now my ex BF because of too much baggage with ex, withholding info, his anger towards her, a year and a half post divorce for him.

 

He wanted to open up to me and share with me about her...which was difficult for him, I'm sure. But also difficult for me to hear, as it's not "memories" or speaking well of her. Yes, we all want to bitch about our exes from time to time, or share with our new partner when something specific happens between us and and our exes... But to hear about it ALL the time and most of the time it's negative, complaining, knowing this person is on their mind a lot...makes it very hard for the new GF.

 

I have learned that it's a circle that is hard to escape from, if you and your ex are not amicable. Sometimes that can happen, sometimes it cannot. Or at least have some peace, so the ex is not such a part of your life.

 

If we are choosing to move on, with new people, I believe it's only respectful to the new person, if we truly care about them, and if love them, they are a priority in our lives - we need to leave the past behind and stop bitching about our exes. It's OVER. That's why they are our exes!

 

The more negativity and drama you choose to bring into your life, regarding your ex, it's only natural it's going to trickle into your new relationship. And that really isn't fair to the new person in your life, is it?

 

You are choosing to be with someone new. You are choosing to care about her. So you should SHOW that to her. Yes, OK to be friends with this guy, and maybe she over reacted. But I understand how she may feel. If you are focusing so much on the ex...that can hurt her feelings. We all have feelings. And they are coming from a good place, because she cares about you, you might be a priority to her, and she might see a future with you. So she just wants the same in return. That mutual respect and consideration of her feelings. It's OK and normal to have some jealousy! It's hard to process all this baggage that comes from exes, kids with another person. It takes time to deal with all that.

 

Yes, that's where the clear and open communication and trust comes into place. And to me, withholding is same as lying. It's done intentionally, there is a thought process involved. It's not a "mistake". Just as physical or emotional cheating is not a "mistake." People need to be a bit more unselfish and think about the other person...What about how she feels? Maybe then relationships would work a little better. If you are not thinking about her feelings or how she might react to something that might hurt her, then you honestly don't care about her. That is not love.

 

But yes, we aren't perfect. If you did something wrong, and feel badly about it, the only answer is to tell her you want to talk, explain it clearly to her. Tell her you understand where SHE is coming from, that venting about your ex, still thinking about your ex, etc. might be confusing to her. It makes sense! Make it about HER for once. And tell her you will try to put your ex behind you for good, so you can move forward with her. That means not bitching and complaining, focusing any energy on the ex. You might see a change...

 

This other ex is a big boy. I'm sure he can figure out how to deal with his exwife in his way. Sometimes we have to make hard decisions of where our loyalties lie. And that goes both ways. If you want your new GF to be a best friend to you, you need to be that to her. And show her your loyalties lie with her, not anything to do with your ex wife. She is your ex for a reason.

 

And if she remains in your life in any way, talking about her, thinking about her, etc. that is going to be an elephant in the room with any one new. Just natural and common sense.

 

OK, to bitch sometimes about exes, but when it's starts affecting new relationship - big red flag. For both people. Means there is some unhealthy stuff going on, people have not moved on, let crap go. Who cares if ex is a witch? That's her problem. You going to change her or the past? No. We should focus on the people who are there for us NOW, the new people in our lives. They deserve that! If we can't give that to them, or we have trust issues, lying, etc. we need to let them go so they can be with someone they deserve who won't do those things.